DOWNTOWN.
chapter thirty-eight | beneath stone.

Now that I haven't had my hands on a steering wheel, I feel rusty. It's not proven, but it's instinct that my limbs have lost their touch. Everyone's been out doing things–Chaewon's been tuning cars, Seunghan has been practicing with Mark, Donghyuck has been talking to Jaemin and Yuta about some new racing tactics, Winter's been preparing for the absolute hell coming to us now that the Luminaries have lost someone–I forgot that the world will still spin no matter the shit you experience.

I don't know how Taeyong's been doing; After he spoke to me on Saturday night, I decided to leave him be. Currently with Shotaro, the window rolled down, the night breeze blew me back, the back of my head resting on the headrest. Shotaro stopped at a red light, turning toward me. I didn't spare him a glance. "Jiayi?" I hummed, staring at the crosswalk sign. "Doing okay?"

"Yeah," I exhaled. "Just thinking about stuff."

His head wrapped around the area, and when the light turned green, he pulled over to a small spot right in front of a river. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Maybe," That felt like a definite yes, but Shotaro still waited in silence. I hesitated, looking at the deep blue, hands beginning to sweat. "Have you ever wanted to go home, Shotaro?"

"Home? As in Kanagawa?" I nodded, the breeze getting light. "Of course I do. Kanagawa brought me happiness as much as it did hell. But if we always wanted to go home, would we ever get to experience leaving?"

I swallowed my words. "I want to go home. Back to Busan. Only sometimes," I replied curtly, licking my lips. "I left everything behind there. I visited once very recently and ruined the lives of the people who ruined mine, Shotaro. I've deemed it unsafe to ever return, but I want to go back sometimes, so bad. After seeing death firsthand, more than once, it almost feels like a curse."

"A curse?"

"Every time I get too attached, something drastically goes wrong," I scoffed at myself. "I lost a friend back in high school. I lost someone again the moment I decided to race for the Neos. Now, I had decided to race after I went to Busan, and the opposing team's driver died."

"Is that why you... recruited Seunghan and I?" I hesitantly nodded. Shotaro didn't say anything for a moment, exhaling slowly. Maybe he was shocked, I couldn't tell. I wouldn't look his way. "Jiayi, life is all about losing. Some lose more people than others, but that doesn't make us any less vulnerable–the more we let it affect us, the more we're going to hurt."

Then, he added, "And from the looks of you, you hate being hurt."

Finally, I turned. He patted my shoulder, giving me a sad smile. "We might have similar lives, and may have similar desires–but I'll never experience what you've gone through. That doesn't mean that you don't deserve to be loved any less," Shotaro said. "You do belong here, Jiayi, no matter how much your heart defies it. This can be your new home."

New home, huh? I never thought about it like that. I thought home was only one spot, but the way Shotaro put it... maybe there's a sense of comfort awaiting me.

"Worried, huh?" Shotaro inquired. "Isn't Haechan your boyfriend?"

"He is," I nodded. "But I'm just... worried overall."

"Well, if there's one person you'd be confiding in–it's him. Haechan probably knows you like the back of his hand," That statement made my face heat up. Even that thought... mesmerized me. Donghyuck couldn't be that caring, could he? "Say, how long have you guys been dating?"

"Not long, but he does know me well," I smiled. "We've been through a lot of triviality together. He knows my past and grants me peace about it. He never interrupts me when I speak, and I've only ever seen his eyes on me. It kind of feels like a hallucination, you know? A hallucination... that I'd want to keep envisioning forever. That's how he makes me feel."

"Ugh," Shotaro hurled. "Lovebirds. And you still don't find a home in him?"

"Home should be permanent," I explained. "How do I know that if I'm afraid he's temporary?"

"In his head, Jiayi, you're permanent," Shotaro said. "That's why you let time take you down the path–you will never know now. Have faith in him, okay? He looks cold, but the moment you're in his sight, his smile turns rather bright. I've never seen a man, ever, smile as big as he did."

God, he's flattering me. "I hope you feel sincere in your actions now. Don't try to run away," Shotaro warned. "Or, I'll–"

My phone interrupted our conversation, a ring echoing through the air. "Seems important," Shotaro raised an eyebrow, obviously teasing me. I glared at him, pulling it out of my pocket. Though I could imagine the variety of people who'd call me this time of night, it was someone I didn't expect at all.

I swallowed, pressing the phone to my ear. "...Taeyong?"

"Jiayi~" He slurred, loud enough without the speaker. Shotaro noticed the alcohol laced in his voice, getting ready to drive to his aid. "Jiayi, I miss you. How can I do... anything... without you?"

The music was almost louder than his voice, worrying me. "Taeyong? Taeyong, are you drunk?"

Thanks for stating the obvious, dipshit. Why couldn't you just ask him where he was instead of trying to pry something out of him? "Mm, no! I don't... think so," His voice lingered, trailing off quietly. "Mm, Jiayi?"

"Taeyong," I stated firmly, looking at Shotaro who was already beginning to drive, waiting for a place to leave my lips. "Where are you?"

"You sound so~ cruel, Jiayi," He whined quietly, something shifting near him. "I'm just drinking! Only a little bit, though! At the club... by our building..."

He was slowly getting distant, and finally, the call ended. I put the address on the GPS, placing my phone in my pocket. "He's here. Let's head there quickly before Taeyong hurts himself."

"Suddenly worried?" Shotaro said, making me clear my throat. "Don't say anything he'll misunderstand, Jiayi. I think in this state... you know what he might do."

I do. And that's what I'm worried about the most.

I drove through the crowd, Shotaro waiting for me in the car. He said that this is a problem I handle alone–because Taeyong's drunken state was only my business. So, as I tackled familiar neon lights and a bar to my side, I saw him sitting on a couch alone. I went up to him and took a seat, seeing the five empty glasses that he seemed to drown himself in.

"Go away," He threatened, putting down his sixth glass. "If you're not someone I know, then I don't want to see you."

I grabbed his shoulder, freezing him in place. "Taeyong."

His head spun at the mere sound of my voice. His smile rose, but then, it slightly fell. "Jiayi!" He must've realized why I came and continued to frown deeper seeing my displeasure. He grabbed my hand that sat on his shoulder, both hands holding one in his lap. He fiddled with my fingers, staring at them, eventually intertwining one of our hands together. "Jiayi, can I... ask you something?"

"Yes," I agreed. "Whatever stops you from drinking, Taeyong."

"Did you ever..." He trailed off, mouth dry. "Consider us, together?"

I hated seeing him this way–wasted, heartbroken, vulnerable. It was so different from the confident and brave Taeyong he was, and I felt guilty that I caused it. I hated this more than anything–the fact I would still deny and hurt him. Although he pleaded for me to let him move on, here he was, holding my hand.

Taeyong slowly pushed my hand near his lips, and that's when I pulled away. "No," I denied, a little bit scared. "I never thought of you that way, Taeyong. I always regarded you as someone I could find comfort in–platonically."

Taeyong stared at me for a moment, eyes bloodshot as if he hadn't gotten any sleep. He leaned his head back facing the ceiling. "What does he have, Jiayi, that I don't?"

"That's not the point, Taeyong!" I exclaimed with an aim of defense. "I was always going to choose him. We were just closer. He knows me better than anyone else in this world."

"So, you're saying," He picked up his glass, but I yanked it out of his hand before he could press it to his lips. "If we were just a little closer if I knew you a little better... Maybe it could've been a competition?"

"Taeyong, can't you forget me? Don't you want to move on?" He doesn't reply, staring into oblivion. "If you wanted to move on, you wouldn't have called me. You can't linger when you know I'm dating Donghyuck. If your purpose was to try and change my mind tonight, you're wrong. I'm going home–"

"You claim that he's closer to you, more than anyone, Jiayi," Taeyong interrupted, face suddenly stoic. Then, his eyes met mine, shock running through my veins. "But do you know him that well?"

"What?" I remarked. "What do you mean?"

"Haechan hasn't always been the angel you make him to be," I knew he wasn't perfect. No, that's what I loved about him. But, the way Taeyong was making him out to be... something wasn't right. "You know about his ex, don't you?"

"I met his ex-girlfriend first. Son Jiah. She came to get her sports car fixed by Chaewon and we got to talking. She said that her boyfriend was a really good driver, and we met."

"Then, how did you guys become so close?"

"Jiah and he broke up. She cheated on him."

I exhaled. "Yeah, I do."

"Well, whatever he told you about cheating on him, forget that," Huh? Did he lie? "Although she did cheat, he cheated on her too. He dated multiple women at a time and broke up with them as he pleased. He used to smoke, he used to drink more than anyone in the group. He used to hurt and abuse and harass in cold blood, he used to be everything you are afraid of. Don't be too hasty in thinking that any of that will change because of you."

Nobody told me all of this. It was like a sinner's secret that if it were to be repeated, doom would reign. Why was Taeyong, out of anyone who could tell me, letting it leave his lips so easily? My heart had reached its lowest point, pounding heavily in my chest. "You aren't in the place to tell me this."

"I'm not. I'm the only one who knows," Taeyong grumbled. "But you deserved to know too–in case Haechan became a letdown."

"He wouldn't."

"But you don't know that," Taeyong hastily snapped, the alcohol bringing out the most sober thoughts. "You don't know him."

I exhaled shakily, getting up. I threw the glass down, the alcohol spilling on my fingers. "You're drunk, Taeyong. You're wasted and a bastard," I pushed him slightly, his hand grabbing my wrist. With my hand on his chest, I grabbed his chin and made him face me, glaring. I repeated myself. "You're a bastard. You've lost all sense of reality, causing chaos because a mere woman didn't choose you. If not me... do you think in this state, anyone would love you?"

That shut him up. His grip around my wrist went limp, allowing me to push myself off him. "Get home safely, Lee," I said, loud enough for him to hear. "And I hope... that you go back to your former self."

I left without sparing him time, my throat clogged by his unnecessary words. It filled me with doubt, almost to the point I threw up right at the door. It wasn't until I was out of the club fully that I took a fall, held onto the wall, and vomited it all back up.

A cheater. A smoker. A liar.

"God, Jiayi!" Shotaro patted my back as I threw up my fears, hitting my chest. "What fucking happened in there!? What did you do!?"

And the doubts consumed me. I was eaten alive by the worry that I was just temporary–permanency blocked by his past. That so-called home began to fade, deeper and deeper, into oblivion. In my head, I chased him, but he kept running, and suddenly,

Donghyuck disappeared.