DOWNTOWN.
chapter thirty-seven | newcomers.

I leaned on the railing of the stands, watching as Mark and Taeyong leaned against the barriers. Seunghan, who drove a neon blue Mustang, chased after his older Japanese friend, who drove a red Challenger. Shotaro was far better than I had ever believed he could be–he had already done five laps around Taeyong's giant track in only seven minutes. Although it wasn't filled with twists and turns, Shotaro had smooth swerving going over a hundred. The only time I've seen such distinct driving is when my boyfriend did it.

Just on cue, Donghyuck joined me on my right, arms hung on the railing. "Where did you meet these fools?" Fools? I thought they were pretty competent. I huffed, not saying anything. I felt his hand lay against the back of my head, patting it gently. "Have you really given up?"

"Their appearance is temporary–unless everyone likes them enough to keep them around," I smiled. Donghyuck continued to stare, hand still on my head. "What do you think, hm? Do they race well?"

"Hm," He quietly evaluated, arm moving back to the railing. "Well, I think whatever decision my girlfriend makes is the best decision–but I don't know what Taeyong hyung thinks. He's the one you should ask."

I looked down at them again–Mark was slowly nodding while Taeyong stood there, unmoving. "I think Taeyong approves," I commented, laughing to myself. "When he hates something, he's in disbelief. When he likes something, he admires it until he's forced not to. He's always into things as if it's his centerpiece–like it means everything to him."

When silence ensued, I faced him, seeing him biting his cheek. "Hm, what? Did I say something?"

"Talking about Taeyong hyung in such a light... I'm jealous that you see him that way," He muttered just enough for me to hear, staring at Taeyong from behind. I can't help but laugh, scooting closer. "Makes me ill just thinking about what you guys could've been if I didn't make a move. God, I should've beat him more."

"You're so cute."

Donghyuck widened his eyes. "I'm not!" He defended, but I pinched his cheek gently. Then, he smiled slowly, falling deeper for me. "It sucks to know you're right, though. Perhaps your new acquaintances can bring us closer."

"I sure hope so. This whole rivalry's in shambles."

I heard a door slam shut as my name left someone's mouth. "Jiayi! Liu Jiayi!" With my head lowering, I saw Shotaro waving at us, Seunghan doing the same once he saw his friend doing it. I waved back, laughing slightly. "We passed the test!"

Taeyong followed his voice, eyes meeting mine–and still acquainted with awkwardness, his gaze slipped away, pretending to stretch his neck around in a circle. Then, he met my gaze again, hand lifting as he beckoned for me to come down. "I've been called," I mentioned to Donghyuck, who hummed. "I'll see you, down there, loverboy."

In the corner of my eye, his head snapped, baffled. "How many pet names do you have for me?" He uttered as I walked away, close enough to keep it audible. I smiled in silence, going down to the barrier and being met halfway by Shotaro and Seunghan. "Hi boys, I'm proud of you!"

"Yeah, we're officially Neos–that's what it is, right?" Seunghan cheesed, smiling big. I barely knew them, but Seunghan seemed like such a shy sunshine. Shotaro, in contrast, was braver, wearing a smug grin that displayed his confidence. "I didn't know the Neos had such a place–it's a lot better than racing on the streets."

"It's a lot more organized," Shotaro agreed, nodding. "But, by the way you approached us on Wednesday night, we won't be racing here. Right?"

"Correct. You'll be doing what you do best, racing on the streets," I nodded, watching as they smiled at each other. "Anyway, I have to go talk to Taeyong. Where are you both headed off to?"

"He told us to take a break and head to the kitchen for a drink. Apparently, his sister is making us some tea," Shotaro nodded. "Well, we'll see you in a bit, Jiayi. Thanks again for pitching this idea."

"Really," Seunghan added, nodding eagerly. "I'm excited."

Until you see someone die. I cleared my throat, nodding. "I'll see you guys in a bit!"

I walked forward, facing the back of Taeyong. Mark and he were mumbling things to each other until Mark spotted me, taking a step back. Taeyong noticed his actions, finally spotting me. "I'll talk to you guys later," Mark said, excusing himself before he caught himself in our tension. Taeyong cleared his throat and raked back his auburn hair, tattoos on display. "Mind telling me why you decided to invite more racing airheads to my private circuit?"

"Contrast to your demise, Lee, they're filing in for me," The motorcyclist raised his eyebrows. "Exactly what you're thinking–I'm off racing for a while."

"Did Jisung's death mess you up that bad?"

"It did," I sighed. "I'm recovering, slowly. I just don't think I'm in the right headspace," Pausing, I pressed my lips together in annoyance. "And I've been threatened not to quit."

"Well, good they threatened you," Taeyong commented, eyebrows now furrowed together in confusion. "But, Jiayi, what makes you think your two picks have any kind of talent compared to what you bring to the table?"

"That's not correct–you should be asking me what I am compared to them," I snickered. I saw his surprised expression; the stubborn, egotistical racer he had known so well had finally lowered herself to someone else. "They know most of the streets better than we do. You saw Shotaro–the blondie–he can drift and still maintain speed while having someone on his tail. Seunghan can pick a good fight in a car despite having someone who's going faster than him. It's a little cheesy to say, Taeyong, but when I saw them, something clicked that they were perfect."

News flash, it really didn't. But, I'm glad I wasn't proven wrong. Maybe the alcohol gave me some luck.

"Whatever you say, Jiayi," His head fell, looking at his crossed arms. "But, whenever you want to get put back on that road, all you have to do is tell me. They're second to you."

"Hm, why?" I teased him, leaning forward. "Is it because you've known me longer? Or... do your feelings still linger?"

He didn't make much of an expression, which scared me. Touchy subject still? Ouch.

I cleared my throat, the corners of my lips turning down in awkwardness. Taeyong did the same, hand to his mouth. "Anyway," He continued, looking behind me for a moment. "You should go talk with your friends. Your boyfriend's waiting, too."

The address of calling Donghyuck my boyfriend was definitely his attitude kicking in. I had never seen him so uncomfortable with me as he was right now. I stared at him, wanting him to say something else, but he stood there in complete silence, waiting for me to leave. Not seeing me leave, his eyes met mine, head slightly tilting. "Jiayi–"

"Taeyong," I interrupted, crossing my arms as if to mock his stance. "You know, sometimes, you really upset me."

He scoffed, tilting his head further. "How so?"

"Why can't we just go back to what we were before!?" I bursted out, arms flailing. Taeyong widened his eyes, eyes searching me. "Why do you have to pretend like shit has changed? I still think of you as someone I admire, Taeyong. You're still one of my teammates! Do you have to act as if I'm different from everyone else?"

"That's the thing!" Taeyong gave me the same energy back, finger pointed directly into my face. "You are different from everyone else. Things have changed, Jiayi. I still love you. I can't not act like I don't because I do! You can't tell me that you admire me, Jiayi, when my heart still hurts at the sight of you. I simply... can't be changed that easily."

I stood there, inhaling sharply. When he took a breath, I lunged for him, grabbing his collar. I heard the distant call of my name by Donghyuck, but I couldn't care less at that moment. Although he was far stronger than me, Taeyong let me shake him dry, eyes staring at every piece of me–watching me as if I had committed a crime of every sin, but he'd still find a way to find forgiveness.

"You fucker," I cursed almost inaudibly, just enough for him and me to hear. "Do you think I'm deliberately trying to break us apart? Do you think with time, shit'll just go away?"

"I don't think any of that, Jiayi," He muttered between us. "I don't want you to be affected by what I'm thinking. I don't need you to care about me."

"But I do, Taeyong."

"And I care for you, Jiayi," Taeyong didn't waste any time saying what he felt. I was scared for what he became. "But if I'm going to move on, if I'm going to not try to let my impulse get the best of me, and if I have to continue holding you to a strict standard... I have to keep pretending like your presence pisses me off."

I gritted my teeth, slowly letting go of his collar. My arms fell back to my sides and I scoffed at his words. "You're a coward, Lee," I said. "A real coward."

"I am," Taeyong agreed. "And I'd rather be a coward than be a traitor over my feelings for you, Jiayi. I'm not going to let something personal drive everyone else apart."

And I let him pass me, driving himself toward the office of the circuit. Donghyuck ended up right beside me, clearing his throat. "Awk-ward..."

"Shut it," I snapped, frowning. "I really don't get that bastard sometimes, seriously..."

"Taeyong hyung can be like that. He stands his ground and only ever follows his opinion–have you ever seen him allow someone else to break him?"

"If I don't prove myself constantly, I will begin to think I lack more than I do. That just stems from always feeling like I'm never enough."

"But you are," Taeyong added, making my heart stop for a moment. "To a lot of us, you are."

Donghyuck noticed my expression fall, exhaling lowly. "Somehow, I forget you're the first."

"Where are you from, Jiayi?" I looked up from my drink, seeing Shotaro watching me intently. He hadn't spoken since we got here, probably because he noticed I had nothing to say. Finally sparking conversation, I hummed.

"I was born in Busan, and lived there until this year–but my parents met and were from Fujian," I responded, nodding slowly. "How about you?"

"Kanagawa," He answered simply, ruffling his blonde hair. "I recently moved here as well–some personal things arose and I practically forced myself to move. Seunghan and I have been friends prior to this–well, we were online friends–and so, he let me take refuge in his apartment for the time being. That's why we've been out racing for our lives- so we can survive."

Very recently, huh? I guess Shotaro's a quick learner. "I've always wanted to visit Japan. Did you have a good time there?"

"I've lived a pretty cruel life," Shotaro shrugged. "I'm a victim of a lot of shit, Jiayi. I don't even know how I've lived this long, but I'm proud to be here. Being with Seunghan made me realize how much I liked living."

Cute. They're each other's ride or die. "I'm still trying to find my way, I think."

He furrowed his eyebrows, tilting his head gently. "Haven't they filled that void for you? Or are you still hurting?" Then, he widened his eyes. "Sorry, I don't mean to intrude about that stuff–you just seem to be suffering... I could tell from the moment we met."

I laughed, nodding. "I have been through a lot, Shotaro, you're not wrong," I said, hands fiddling with the warm cup of hot chocolate. "I think that... no matter how much I've moved on, things keep bringing me back to that moment where it all started–where I began suffering. I'm reminded, every day, that things happened to my dismay, to my faults, and because of all my flaws."

Shotaro shook his head, denying it. "But how could it be your fault?"

I frowned. "Why couldn't it be?"

"I don't know, Jiayi–you don't seem like the type to intentionally cause that kind of thing–whatever flaw you're talking about," He crossed his arms. "You're too nice, maybe because you've been through exactly that. But, it's never going to be your fault. Sometimes fate brings us obstacles so that we find our calling."

I laughed, finding that sentence kind of stupid. "And what exactly is your calling, Shotaro?"

"To persevere, Jiayi," I blinked a few times, dumbfounded. "That's the path I'm choosing to take, and I hope your calling will be the same as mine."

Taking a sip of his yogurt, Shotaro leaned his head back. "Wow. The stars are really nice."

I looked up, seeing the small sparkles in the dark night. "Yeah," I exhaled. I hope you're watching over us–all of you. "It really is."

"Watching the stars remind me of all the people that everyone in the world has lost," Shotaro added, my head falling to face him. I continued to stare. "Myself included."

Then, he suddenly waved, grinning big. "Hey, Sungchan! I hope you're doing good up there!"

And my heart fell to my stomach.