DOWNTOWN.
chapter thirty-six | down with the flag.

"Ji, let me in," I exhaled into the hot blanket, eyes weakening at every soft knock.

The burning flames. A car turned over in pouring gasoline and the sounds of tires popping from exhaustion. His body had disappeared into the night–unseen by anyone ever again.

"Ji," I heard him knock again, groaning silently. "Please, can you open the door? You haven't had any proper food in days! It's been four fucking days, and–" He paused, one hard knock ending his demands. "God, sorry. I shouldn't be cursing at you. I'm sorry, Ji, just... Please, open the door."

He's been at it for four days.

But my head simply can't wrap around what happened, and what I did. What we did. We didn't need a diagnosis, didn't need an ambulance to come save him. By the time we had gone back to the isolated road where everyone was waiting, nobody could magically bring him back. I knew he had left our lives, just like the ones before.

And I knew everyone was hurting. Bad.

I can't be selfish.

So, I slumbered to the door, unlocking it. It wasn't long until Donghyuck noticed, gently letting himself in. He left the plate of food on my desk, grabbing my face. "Look at you. You look so pale."

I gently removed his hands from my face, taking a seat on my bed. "If you're going to pick over me not eating, get out," I haven't heard my voice this weak before. He furrowed his eyebrows together, clearly concerned. "I really can't do it anymore, Donghyuck. Really."

"What do you mean?"

"We murdered somebody, Donghyuck!" I exclaimed, hands flailing. He was appalled at my words, taking a step back. "Jisung's dead. Until when will it end?"

"We– gosh, Ji, we didn't kill him! None of it was our fault!" I shook my head violently, sniffling at every exhale coming from his mouth. "Ji, we could've gotten ourselves killed if we got any closer to the explosion. Aren't you glad we saved Yeosang? Chaeyoung?!"

"But we could've if we just tried," Then, he began to shake me, hands on my shoulders as I felt my body go back and forth.

"We. Would've. Died."

"We could've tried," I pried my hands off of him, tears beginning to brim the bottom of my eyes. "Do you know what lives we ruined by not doing anything? Why did you have to stop us?"

"I'm not going to lose you in a pit of fire, Ji! Think!" His voice rose, frustrated. "God, think about it for a second. Do you think none of us know the risk we take when racing? Do you think we don't prepare our funerals in advance? Ji, we aren't stupid. People like the Luminaries, especially, know what it's like. Jisung would, too."

"If only we were safer, he'd be alive," I exhaled, slumped in my spot. It felt like I was carrying another burden. I looked at my hands, fearing that there'd be blood stains. "If only we weren't going so fast if only that road wasn't chosen, he'd, he'd..."

"Ji!" He screamed my name, making me silent. He knelt down just enough, encasing me in his arms. "Please, it's not your fault. It's no one's fault. Chaeyoung braked. The car couldn't stop in time. We weren't close enough to be at fault."

"It's not fair," I sniffled. "He should've lived. If only things were different–"

"If only things were different," Donghyuck continued, swallowing. "Then you still wouldn't be at fault, Ji, please. Cut yourself some slack. Cut us some slack–do you think we wanted him to die? That's Felix's good friend, that's our good friend. We knew them for so long, and to have that be his ending? None of us wanted that."

"I don't think I can race anymore," He widened his eyes, lifting my head. I pushed him off me, leaving my room. "I don't think I can fucking do that anymore!"

"Ji, you can't say that!" I entered our small kitchen quickly, pouring water into the cup. Before I could take a sip, Donghyuck caught me, slamming it down in the process. "Don't back out all of a sudden. Don't you know how much the Neos need you? Why did you sacrifice everything you've worked for if you were just going to leave?"

"I had no plan on leaving, Donghyuck, not until–" I choked, beckoning to the memory. "Not until that."

"God, I–" Donghyuck exhaled, holding his head. "You can't do that. I know you love racing. You love it as much as I do. Maybe you just need a break."

"I'm not getting back on that fucking road, Donghyuck!"

"You are!" He yelled, arms out. His anger had exploded, veins popping as he tried to convey the feeling he was holding onto. But, I couldn't tell. I was too hurt. Tears were running down my cheeks as my throat began to swell. I was shattering, slowly, like stained glass. Over time, I knew I was bound to finally break. I dropped my head, looking at my feet. "Shit."

I felt him embrace me again, caressing my hair. "I don't mean to yell at you, Ji. I don't ever want to. I'm sorry, shit... I'm sorry," Donghyuck whispered, kissing the side of my head. I didn't say anything, merely because I didn't care that he was yelling. Actually–it stunned me that he was being so careful. "Don't quit, though. Can't you at least just... take some time off?"

That suggestion made me chuckle a bit. "Racing isn't working a nine-to-five, Donghyuck. I can't."

"It's a break," He explained. "I'll try and convince the Luminaries to give us more time. I'm sure they'll understand since they'll be coping with his death, too. So, focus on getting your mindset back on racing, and I'll be with you every step of the way–as long as you don't quit racing for good."

"I'll... think about it," I separated from him, finally taking a sip of water. "We'll have to see. Maybe you're right–all I need is time."

"Yeah, everyone does, Ji," Donghyuck attempted to smile. "I hope you know that you aren't alone. We'll help you–and help each other. That's what the Neos do."

And I wish I could've agreed. My mind was hazy from the beginning to the end of our conversation, and if it wasn't, I probably would've argued a little harder.

But that was a total of three. Three people who came and went–one of whom I never met.

And I'm still playing in place of two.

Sitting in a bar, I drowned myself in a single drink. Donghyuck had gone to practice and spoken to the others about the next course of action regarding the feud. He told me not to stray far from the apartment, but my sulking brought me here. And, I didn't have plans of coming alone. "Jiayi," I heard, causing me to look up. Soobin smiled, joining me on the seat to the right. "You must be having a hard time, hm? I thought I'd be okay since I wasn't too close to Han–but it's tormenting me."

"I don't know how it's so easy, Soobin," After the night he took care of me, something in me clicked–Soobin was someone quite dependable. Sakura always told us how gentle he was, to the point that it was too gentle for his good, but I didn't believe it. Now, I did. "People told me you'd have to go to such lengths to kill yourself–that you'd have to really be pushed to your limit. Han probably had so much to live for."

"He did," The bartender seemed to know him, passing him a shot of tequila. Soobin drank it, bottomed up, and then slammed it back down. "But I mean, Jisung lived for racing. He always told Felix that he'd do anything to be on the road. Minho often overlooked his skills because he was meant to be a stand-in, but finally putting him on the road in Gangnam, I think he was elated."

Soobin continued, clearing his throat. "You know what he told me?" I didn't say anything. "That he was glad to even be in it–that placing wasn't the good part. He said that if he were to die on the road tonight, to see him in glory, because that is what Felix always wanted–for Jisung to be in the spotlight."

Fuck. If Soobin continued, I think I was going to cry. "And then he got it," Soobin swallowed. "Real quick. I was surprised that wishes and desires worked as fast as that. I almost thought I'd be next for how many fucking times I said I wanted to die."

I looked at my cup, watching the ice water it down. "How's everyone else doing?"

"Chaeyoung's out somewhere. None of the Luminaries really know," Soobin shook his head. "After the paramedics took him to the hospital and he was pronounced dead, Chaeyoung dipped. Wooyoung followed after her. Felix is locked up in his room, but I don't think it's a good thing–Felix, when he goes through emotions, feels them hard. I fear that he's going to make this all worse."

I nodded slowly. "Even when it should end."

"Right," Soobin agreed. "The rest of us are doing fine–we've all lost countless before him, closer friends–not to say he wasn't one. But, we know how to handle it without the ideal five stages of grief."

"I didn't even know him well, and I fell to the depths of my stomach in guilt."

"I hope you know you're not at fault–no one is," That's what Donghuyuck said, but I still can't believe it. "It was just a mishap, a sharp turn only a few of us accounted for. Even Wooyoung told me that it'd be a blessing if any of you came out of that turn unscathed."

Wooyoung.

"Soobin," He hummed, waiting for me to say something. "Remember our conversation when you took care of me that night?"

"Not necessarily, no."

"Dumbass," I cleared my throat. "About who the real killer is. Who killed Jeno."

His face became expressionless, eyes staring into mine. "Why do you suddenly bring this up? Why are you having these revelations merely out of nowhere–"

"It's Jung Wooyoung, isn't it?" Silence. I knew it.

I nodded slowly. "It didn't make sense–not until I realized how much Wooyoung knew about me, and how threatening he had been. He told me he was a murderer, and of course, I figured–but then it came down to Jeno, and... from what you told me and how many times Wooyoung and I met, it clicked. How long have you known?"

"I was the first one he told," Soobin answered softly. "I overheard him mumbling and comforted him. Figuring from the state he was in that he was hiding something, I told him I wouldn't judge him, and he just... burst it out. It was all by mistake, though. He had accidentally crossed by him as a shortcut, and thinking it was someone else, shot him."

"And he didn't tell anyone else?"

"He'd get booted from the Luminaries if it were to spill at the time," Soobin straightened his posture, rolling his shoulders. "Now, it might not mean anything–well, maybe just to pin the blame. I know it was wrong to keep something like that, but I care about Wooyoung–about everyone."

"No, you're not at fault. You were just being kind, as per usual," Soobin chuckled. "It's murder, though. I've already made the assumption, and knowing I'm right, I don't feel so bad letting it slip."

"Well, Wooyoung has no plans to hurt anybody, even if the secret gets out," Soobin sighed. "And I hope you won't do anything irrational either."

"Already have. I'm thinking about quitting racing."

"That's not fair," Soobin frowned. "Not fair to any of us. If you stop racing, who will be the only Neo who currently likes us? The Neos will be down a racer!"

"It's not like the rest of them are incompetent!"

"Jiayi," He deadpanned, staring at me with a deathly glare. It sent shivers down my spine. "You want to win. I know that. I know it deep within me that you do. Why would you give that up over a death that wasn't your fault?"

"Soobin," I copied him, taking my last sip of alcohol. "Imagine that someone you loved, died. Wouldn't you hate the person that could've saved them, but chose to watch them instead?"

"But if they were saving themselves–if there was obvious danger, Jiayi–I'd rather have one person die than two," Soobin looked at me with a knowing expression, putting me in my place. I looked away fully, over to the door. "Exactly. You can't fight it, Jiayi. I know you're upset and coping–everyone is. But we can't just say 'down with the flag' while it's still there–while we let it fly. You have to serve until the very end."

Then, he added, "That's what you promised them."

"God, be quiet!" I whined, destroying the tense atmosphere. Soobin widened his eyes, utterly baffled. "God, I get it, okay!? I get it! Can we go now? You make drinking a whole lot bothersome. I should've invited that murderer instead–maybe he would've kept his mouth shut."

"Rude, much?" I glared. "Fine, fine, both of us should head home. It's getting late, anyway."

We both paid for our drinks and got up, but just as I grabbed my jacket, I slammed into someone. I felt a hand instantly slide back, an almost inaudible curse leaving a mouth. "Shit, sorry," Two boys who seemed pretty young–one with stormy black hair and one dyed a fresh, golden blonde. I looked at the Mustang keys hanging on one's belt loop, furrowing my eyebrows. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I am, thanks," I cleared my throat, putting my jacket on. "Do you guys perhaps... race?"

Soobin grabbed my shoulder. "Ji–"

"Yeah, we do," The black-haired up-do said, looking at his friend curiously. "Why?"

"Liu Jiayi," I stuck my hand out, smiling. "Looking for a team to settle on?"

"Don't really do teams," The blonde one scrunched his nose, unsure. Then, he noticed my hand. "Osaki Shotaro. My younger friend here's Hong Seunghan."

Then, I shook Seunghan's hand. "We're down a couple of racers for a while, looking for a replacement," I paused, smirking. "My replacement."

"Jiayi, don't be too hasty. You haven't even spoken to the rest of the Neos!"

"They'll like these two, trust me," I crossed my arms, staring between them. "You'll be evaluated on skills and whatnot, but I think you'll like us–even if you aren't people who like teaming up. Aren't you in it for the thrill?"

Shotaro looked at Seunghan once more, beginning to smile. "We see where you're coming from," Nodding slowly, he crossed his arms as well. "We could consider."

"No room for considering," I shook my head, still ignoring Soobin's pleas. "Make your decision, here and now. Could you both fill my spot while I'm out? If you do well, you'll be able to race as you please with us–with the honor of being among some of the best racers in Seoul."

And Shotaro's smile rose, almost as big as the crescent moon shape of the bar table. In agreement, Seunghan and he nodded, sealing the deal.

Time to get them on the road.