DOWNTOWN.
chapter twenty-one | suicidal stress.

A week had passed. Donghyuck and Taeyong had pushed most of us to the edge, and it was beginning to take a major toll on a lot of the Neos. Yuta began to get antsy, recklessly driving around the circuit and earning a scolding from a tired Mark. Chaewon was screaming and yelling about how they keep wrecking cars, and hasn't gotten proper sleep in about two days.

Taeyong would just murmur to himself like a psycho, making Jaemin restless about how this whole thing would eventually cause our downfall. He assumed we were going to be killed, and even almost went to the Luminaries (or just Karina) to beg for an ounce of forgiveness. Donghyuck and I, well...

"How's training going?" We slowly walked toward the apartment building, the depth of night swallowing me whole. I nodded slowly, hoping that would be enough. "Is it too hard?"

"A bit," I answered honestly, pursing my lips. "But I have a feeling you're going easy on me."

He chuckled, turning his head. "Am I? I don't really notice it–"

"Do you think I made the wrong decision?" I worried endlessly seeing everyone in such bad shape. It made me a wreck. Deep down, I wondered if I ruined even more lives. "It's like if we push anyone even a centimeter closer to the cliff, they'd be willing to jump off the edge. I don't want to be the reason something goes wrong."

"It won't be your fault, so please, don't blame yourself. The training is just a bit more rigorous considering that we're going against people who have done street racing their whole life," Donghyuck was a bit concerned, eyebrows furrowing at me. "They'll be fine after one last evaluation. I'll give them a break since it's beginning to worry you."

"You don't have to do that just because of me."

"I want to," Donghyuck shrugged, suppressing an unneeded smile. "But promise me something."

"No," I declined, shaking my head. "Your promises are unusually condescending when it comes to racing. It makes me feel like I am undeserving of being a Neo."

"You're just saying that," He defended himself, crossing his arms as we continued walking. "Fine, no promises, but I want you to not join races you know you'll lose. The last thing I want is for you to get hurt."

"Isn't that what happens to you guys all the time?" He frowned, trying to not accept my words. "Donghyuck, please, I'll be okay!"

"I know that you will, Jiayi, but I don't want something bad to happen."

I began to get angry. "What happened to being a lucky charm? What happened to being a Neo? Donghyuck, you have to trust me for this to work out!"

"I understand where you're coming from. I know you want to race and that you think you're fit for it, but this is an extremely dangerous sport. We're used to it–coming in and out of the hospital, a few bruises from whiplash, unconsciousness–but you're not. I don't know what I'd do if you were–"

"You've watched me race, Donghyuck!" I interrupted him, stopping in my tracks. "C'mon. Why can't you trust me?"

"I–" He paused, looking at his feet. "Please, Jiayi. You have to hear me out."

"I am, right now," I winced, evidently hurt. "But I don't know how much more I can hear."

"Jiayi, it's not like I'm forbidding you to race, it's–" Suddenly, we heard someone clear their throat, cutting off our soon-to-be argument. It was Taeyong and Chaewon, with Taeyong being the one to clear his throat and Chaewon awkwardly staring at us. "Nevermind. We should talk about this another time. What do you guys want?"

"We were just wondering where you guys were," Taeyong looked between us, frowning. "We're going to have our last evaluation soon, and we're going to need you, Haechan. You should bookmark this conversation for later."

Donghyuck turned my way, but I kept my eyes directed to the road. I heard his sigh, to which he followed with a murmured "Alright."

When the boys left, Chaewon linked arms with me, tilting her head. "What happened, my dear?" I shrugged her off, but she relinked. "Don't be so mean, Jiayi. I'm here for you."

"He's just saying I can't race as much as I'd like to, that's all," I sighed. "What do you think? Why can't I race as much as I please?"

"You're clueless, you know?" Chaewon said, irking me. "Donghyuck's overprotective of you. Hear him out, okay?"

"I have the whole time," I snapped, unlinking from her again. She pouted, confused by my reaction. "But why are you taking his side, Chaewon?! He's practically forbidding me from what I want to do! Don't you find it wrong!?"

"I'm not taking sides, I'm just asking you to let him finish," Chaewon calmly replied. "Don't blow up at me, either. Of course, it would be great if you were racing, but think about it: unless you're practicing as often as them, what are you bringing to the table?"

My face contorted into pain, making Chaewon widen her eyes in realization. "Wait, I didn't mean it like that. Jiayi–"

"No, I get it. I used to think that I was okay with you prying into my life, saying things and being invasive, but I thought about it. You're just naturally a busybody."

"Excuse me?" Chaewon said, offended. "A busybody? Jiayi–"

"I need everyone to stop calling my name, to stop saying it as if I'll oblige," I gritted my teeth, stopping her from speaking. "I don't want to talk to you."

"Neither do I if you're going to continue acting like this," Chaewon scoffed. "We want to keep you safe, and racing can kill you if you don't play your cards right. Stop being immature because you're looking for a momentary thrill–that's not how it works. You're not even acting like a Neo, either, so what jurisdiction do you have to make these kinds of decisions!?"

I was silent, partially because I was angered and partially because she was right. I just didn't have the guts to admit it.

"You can't just think that everyone who somewhat offends you is out to get you, Jiayi. I don't know what life you lived before this, but we care," Chaewon hissed. "When no one else does, we do. And we continue to care, even if you don't. But right now, fuck you, and find someone else to pick a fight with."

And she glared a little longer before turning around and walking back to the circuit.

"Yeah... you were acting like a bitch," Chaeyoung swung her beer cup upwards, downing the rest of it. Slamming it on the table, she winced at the effect.

"I–"

"You don't get to say anything yet. See? You hated being stepped on and confronted that you fight back too easily. Chaewon's right, you think everyone's offending you," Chaeyoung put her hand in front of me to keep me from speaking. "I don't know what your past is, but you can't treat everyone like trash because you were done the same way and you want redemption. You just don't want people to step all over you, so you attempt to step on them back. That's not healthy, Jiayi."

"Why are you lecturing me!?" I defended myself, pointing at Chaeyoung and looking over at her passenger prince who was drinking his coffee. "Wooyoung, save me, here!"

His eyes lifted, a confused stare becoming a curious one between us. Chaeyoung shook her head, grabbing her mug of warm milk and taking a sip. "I mean, what can I do?" He announced, shrugging. "Chaeyoung is right, though. You shouldn't act so irrationally."

"Guys, hear me out–"

"That's what you should've been doing with your friends," Wooyoung added, pointing at me with his mug and blinking. "Come on, Jiayi. Do you really think they'd be doing it without a purpose?"

"Yes! I have the skills to do good, so why won't anyone believe me?" I scoffed, leaning back.

"Well, I think you're missing the point, Jiayi," Wooyoung slithered his way into taking over the conversation, leaning forward and stretching his neck. Wooyoung was a bit taller than his companion, slightly long black hair that hung just over his ears, but was slicked back in this moment. He had what I figured were cat eyes, and when I looked over, he was always off in his world, like a real cat. "We're proper street racers. We've faced battles on the road with guns and made it out. We've been in physical conflict, been on our deathbeds, and still resurfaced. Your friends have too. But, what about you? What background do you come from?"

I bit my cheek. "A suicidal one."

"That's not what I mean, but alright," Wooyoung laughed. "I'm saying that you have no experience, you can't even deny that. Do you know how to handle a gun, or just hold it? Do you know how to race, or do you know how to drive a car with all those men backing you up? Jiayi, you're a four-leaf clover to them, and the last thing they want is for their little redhead to be all tousled up."

"Not all of them think that way."

"That's what you think," Wooyoung teased. "But you'll never admit the truth, right?"

I was built stubborn, a character that was shaped by the pain she faced. I could admit I was right, but never wrong, more or less the truth of which could destroy me. "You made her shy again, Wooyoung. Stop being so loud," Chaeyoung said, making Wooyoung get defensive.

"I was just acting like you!"

"Only one of us can act like me!" Chaeyoung said. She nudged him, turning back to me. "Anyway, as much as I'd say that you have free will, because you do, just try and listen to them. They know us, know the racing perspective the best, and want you to be safe. Whether you race or not, I know you're often hoping you're never bringing your team down, and I want you to think about it even more this time. The rules are different, there are bets to play, and risks are high. Don't get yourself in trouble."

"Fine," I crossed my arms. "Does your offer still stand?"

"Which one? Getting to drive my car?" I nodded. "Of course. But remember, you're a Neo, whether or not a borderline Luminary. Talk to your friends first before coming to us."

"Okay," I sighed. The two Luminaries who were considered to be middle ground, like me, were pretty good at calming me down. "Did I act too irrationally, you think?"

"Do we think?" They synchronized, looking at each other. Then, the three of us laughed. "Dear god, Jiayi. You're going to be the most annoying racer on the road."

"I hope I win because of that."

We continued talking until the night ended, and then, I returned home, knowing that my feelings must find a resolution.