Dinah

*new tweet*

single and not looking for love.

I hated relationships. They never worked out for me or either they weren't for me. Every relationship I've had, turned out to be shit. Either I wasn't good enough, they never felt the same, or I got cheated on. It's like I have a curse or something.

Relationships suck. I hate them with a passion now. It's never meant to be for me. Why do I even get involved in relationships if they don't work out? From now on, I'll just stay lowkey about things. I don't even care anymore.

My roommate hadn't gotten home yet, so I'm sitting alone, in this apartment, laying down and staring my ceiling. I had just broken up with my boyfriend, well got dumped over the phone. It was another argument we had and he suggested that we'd just break up. Of course I'm hurt, but now I just don't care anymore. For me to not care about a relationship is huge. Usually when I stop caring, it means something bad really happened and I'm hurting from it, and that's exactly what I'm doing.

I hate being alone during situations like this. It feels like I have no one anymore. No one to love, no one to hold, and no one to talk to. I have no idea when my roommate will get here, but it probably won't be for another couple of hours. So I'll have to suck it up and deal with it.

My roommate, Lauren, was really good with relationship advice. Her motto "fuck em in bed or fuck em in the bad way" was what she always told me. I found it funny at first but it's very true. You either fuck with them, fuck them in bed, or stop fucking with them and leave. Currently, I'm doing the last one.

Leaving would be the best thing for me. I'm actually glad this relationship is over. It was quite toxic and it wasn't good for me. Everyone hated my boyfriend and suggested I leave him, but I couldn't. I was too in love with him. I was afraid if I left him, he wouldn't do good without me, but it seems like he's okay from the last time I talked to him.

My boyfriend, well ex now, he was the bad boy type. He stole, he fought, and he's been in and out of jail. We were like Bonnie and Clyde. We fought a lot, but no matter what I always had his back. I cared for him. Nobody saw the guy I saw. What I saw was deep inside of him. The true him. That was the guy I was in love with. Turns out, he wasn't feeling the same way I felt about him.

We started fighting because I didn't know where he was. I had went to his place to go apologize since we had a fight the other night as well. He wasn't there when I got there, neither were his friends. I decided to call him to wonder where he was and I figured out he was on his way to Vegas. He wouldn't tell me why and things escalated out of hand. He told me that I was always on his case and he wished I wasn't so in his business and said he will gladly be happy if we broke up. Then it happened. We broke up.

Of course I'm hurt by it, tremendously. I honestly give up on relationships, because what's the point if I'm never loved back? What's the point of going all out for someone, if all you're ever going to be treated like is shit? None of it is worth it.

Lauren came home a hours earlier than usual and I was surprised. The dark hair and green eyed girl stood in the doorway of my room and swung around a black bag.

I sat up a bit and furrowed my eyes. "What's in the bag?"

A smirk appeared on her lips and dug in the bag. She waved around the green drug, biting down on her bottom lip.

I jumped up, and walked over to her to grab it. "I thought you couldn't get it?" I asked her, looking at her confusedly.

"Mike happened to come back early." She informed me.

Mike was someone that was her close friend but he always carried weed on him. He was one of those sweet people, but he loved to smoke.

We went outside to the patio and sat down and smoked together. We watched the view of the cars as they drove by and heard the cheers of baseball fans down at the stadium not too far from us. Every game night, we come outside at around the time the game is over just to watch the fireworks.

"Aren't you supposed to be at a house party?" I asked Lauren after a moment of silence.

"Yeah," she responded after blowing out the smoke, "but I saw Mike on the way there and I decided to comeback home."

"Ditch your friend just to come home and smoke?" I chuckled arching my brow at her.

"I'm not sharing this with anybody, besides you." She stated, pulling the blunt up to her lips. "Why are you smoking?" She asked me, looking over at me. I wasn't the type to really smoke, it wasn't really something I did, but if I did do it, it was only because I was upset about something.

"Vince and I broke up." I rolled my eyes, taking a hit to the thought of the break up.

"Really? He was an asshole anyways." She said annoyedly, rolling her eyes.

Lauren never liked Vince and Vince never liked Lauren. They were like enemies almost. Every time they'd see each other, they'd be at each other's throats. There was never a moment when they were nice to each other. It was impossible.

"I'm done with relationships Laur, things never work out for me. I'm always the one hurt and I'm tired of it. Just might as well be single." I expressed to her, my eyes following the fireworks as the went off.

"Shut up, don't say that. Everyone has the perfect match, it just takes sometime." She mentioned to me, watching the fireworks as well.

"Only you can say everyone has a perfect match. You've been with your girlfriend ever since sophomore year."

"We fight," she responded. I narrowed my eyes at her, watching the smoke escape between her lips. "What?" She asked.

"Barely."

"No, really we fight," she repeated, glancing over at me. "We just resolve things. She's someone that's understanding. Unlike Vince. He only cares about himself."

"He cared about me."

"Totally." She said sarcastically, bringing the blunt to her lips. "Dinah, honestly, you gotta find someone who will appreciate you as much as you appreciate them. Everyone will have their time, your time just hasn't came yet." She said after she blew out her smoke.

"Then when will it?"

"I don't know. It could happen anytime. Tomorrow, next month, or even next year. You never know. You don't come for love, love comes to you."

I smiled at her words and looked at the girl. "Are you high already?" I chuckled, knowing usually when her voice gets super raspy, and she becomes a deep person, she's high.

"You know, I probably am, but I don't mind. I like it." She looked over at me and smiled and then busted out laughing.

She was definitely high.

We stayed outside for a little longer until we had decided to go back inside since it got a little chillier. I jumped right in bed, and pulled the covers over my head. The weed had helped me a lot since I knew I would probably be in tears right now, but I felt relaxed and eased.

Tomorrow, I don't know how I'll be.

~

Before class me and Lauren took a smoke. I wasn't feeling good and I had to get a smoke in, in order for me not to breakdown in the middle of class. College was already stressful enough, rather deal with Literature assignments rather than thinking about my breakup.

Today in class was surprisingly interesting. We were writing down our feelings at the moment and by the end of class we had to turn in whatever it is we wrote. What ever we had written down was going to be put into one big story by the end of the week. This was the only thing I was excited for.

You take away my pain as well as my heart
You take away my soul as well as my love
I hate you but at the same time I want you back
I want you back for the memories and the times we've shared
I don't want you back for the bad memories and the bad times we've shared
You have me all wrapped up
But at the same time I'm slowing breaking free
I don't want to break free
But I do
All I want is you
All I want is to be free from you

When the bell rang for us to be dismissed, I handed my professor my paper and greeted Lauren outside the classroom.

"I went the fuck off in class," She said right away, running her hands through her hair. "The topic was politics and this idiot had no clue what he was saying and I went off. He looked like he was going to piss his pants. I'm glad I'm high." She laughed, looking over at me.

I rolled my eyes at the dark haired girl and shook my head. "I went off, well on paper."

"Are you that high?" She questioned in all seriousness.

"Bitch, I'm not dumb," I replied furrowing my brows. "I'm talking about with my writing. The whole time I just wrote. Wrote down my feelings and shit." I stated, as we walked to the vending machine to get some snacks.

Lauren had been talking but I wasn't really listening since I was focused on getting my dollar in the machine. After a few frustrating tries, it finally took my dollar and got both me and Lauren chips. With just my luck, my chips happened to get stuck.

As I was banging on the vending machine, Lauren had been tapping me. I turned and looked at her annoyedly after picking up the chips and my eyes feel on the familiar girl.

It was like high school all over again, just she looked older. I had the same feeling I had every time I saw her. Like my heart was going to explode. My knees grew weak and my palms began to sweat.

"I was trying to fucking tell you that I see Normani, looks like you got the memo." Lauren said, watching the darker girl with me.

"Why is she here? Isn't she supposed to be in Texas? Out of all the damn places in the world, she is in New York at the same college as me." I said, looking at her as she sat down on the bench to read her book.

"You seem mad?" Lauren said confusedly, looking over at me confused.

"I am!" I whispered loudly.

Normani's gaze came up to mine and I immediately turned away. "Let's go, now." I told Lauren sternly and yanking her by her arm.

I dragged Lauren into the elevator as we went upstairs to go to our next classes.

"You know, it would've been the perfect time to talk to her and ask her why she is here and not in Texas." Lauren stated.

"The hell? I'm not talking to her. I can't. You know that." I responded.

Normani had always been someone I couldn't talk to. She was so intimidating and always hung out with people that were intimidating. In high school, I always wanted to talk to her, but I couldn't do it. I felt like I wasn't cool enough for her. I drove a damn 1990's Chevy car that had a crappy ass engine. I definitely wasn't cool for her.

I had the biggest crush on her and planned on asking her to prom, but chickened out. Plus, it would've been weird. A girl you've never spoken to in your life, asking you to prom, who would even say yes? Also, I think she's straight, she dated like three guys in high school. Not seen her once with a girl. So I just gave up on her.

When I gave up on her, I didn't have feeling for her and that's when I met Vince. Now, I see her, all these feelings are coming back that I don't want to have. Maybe this is just a one time thing. I'll see her once, I'll feel like this, after that I'll be back to normal. She won't be someone I'll have a crush on. It'll all be good.

Lauren walked me to my physics class and I happened to be pretty early. It was awkward since my professor was a talker and I'm in class high, thinking about Normani, and not wanting to talk to him. My professor held a whole conversation with me about how he hates how my generation is and trying his best not to offend me. I didn't care honestly since everyone is stupid, but I'm high so I'm not really listening.

More and more people came closer the time got for the late bell to ring. I was chewing on my pencil and nearly choked when I saw Normani walk in through the doors. She was coming in my direction and I opened my textbook to make it look like I was being productive and focused on my work so I didn't have to look or speak to her. Which is funny since I never spoken to her in my life.

It was amazing. She was in my class, me saying in the elevator it was a one time thing. I'll only see her that one time, and now, I will be seeing her everyday in Physics class. Wonderful.

Physics sucked. Especially since my professor spoke big words and talked slow. I'm pretty sure no one knew what he was saying and have the class was asleep. Besides for the one person that always answers questions.

"I want you all to pair up," Was the only thing I heard him say, and my eyes immediately went to Normani. She was a new girl, and I was looking to see if someone would pair up with her as well as for me.

I had absolutely no friends in this class and I was hoping I'd be the only one without a partner.

"Nor, um, many? Normany?" The professor mispronounced her name.

"It's Normani." She corrected him politely.

I knew what was next, so I put my headphones in, and pretended to not be interested.

"Normani, I'm sorry. You can pair up with Dinah, she doesn't have a partner." I heard him say, and saw him point his hand in my direction.

I sighed heavily and flipped through the textbook to not seem interested.

I heard her place her book down on the table as she sat next to me. "Hi." She sighed heavily.

Dammit.

I took out my earphones and placed them in my bag. "Hey."

"First day here and I almost all my professors pronounced my name wrong," she laughed. "It's Normani. I don't know how the hell they get Normany."

I chuckled a little bit, not knowing what to say since I can't talk to her. "We should start the assignment." I suggest in a soft tone, pulling out paper so we can brain storm.

As I was writing things down, she had zoned out and turned and looked at me. "You went to my high school. I remember having you in two classes. I think it was math and English." She blurted out.

The fact that she remembered me was amazing. That means she payed attention to me.

"Yeah," I said shyly. "I remember you."

"Your name is either Diana or Dinah. I don't remember which one." She grimaced, biting down on her nails.

"Dinah." I chuckled, not making eye contact with her at all.

"I knew it. It was just in Math, Mr. Block would always call you Diana." She laughed. "Diana no phones in class!" She said, mimicking his voice.

I laughed and nodded my head slightly. "I had many names in high school."

She laughed and we had an awkward silence. I was thinking of things to say in my head but everything sounded so stupid and cheesy. I'd rather not embarrass myself in front of her.

"So," she started. "Do you want me to help you?" She asked, looking over my shoulder at what I was writing.

"Um, sure. You can see if any of these ideas are good for our project." I slide the paper over towards her and she put on her glasses and I wanted to die. She looked so adorable and cute in her glasses, I couldn't handle it.

"I like this one. Building a raft by surface tension." She pointed to it, and I looked over the details. She just had to chose the one that will take up to five days to make. Damn.

"Building a raft it is." I regretted saying this so badly, but she laughed. It was probably a fake laugh anyways.

So for this project, it's a lot to do. We have to build the raft. Take pictures of it so we can have steps on how to build it, pictures of it when it's in motion, we need to explain it all and have our lab, all put onto a poster board. Then, we have to look up surface tension, and describe that in a paragraph and this is all due in two weeks.

"Do you want me to do the research on surface tension so we can get the paragraph out of the way?" She asked.

I nodded my head and she went right into work on looking up surface tension. All. In. Those. Cute. Ass. Glasses. Fuck.

As for me, I searched up the things I needed to buy for the project, and it was a lot and I definitely wasn't going to use stuff from home.

The whole period I waited for the bell to ring so I could just leave. Once that bell rung, I booked it to the door.

"Hey, Dinah," Normani said, tapping me on my shoulder. I turned around and met her gaze and didn't know where to look on her face. "Want to meet in the library tonight to get this project started? Well at least the poster board." She suggested.

I nodded my head, and all I thought about was I was going to be alone with her for I don't know how many hours. I can't speak, and I'm probably going to fuck shit up. "Yeah that sounds good." I smiled.

"Great," she smiled. "See you at eight?"

I nodded. "Can't be late at eight." I chuckled trying to make a joke.

She chuckled a bit, but I'm pretty sure it was a fake laugh. "See you later." She gave a small wave before she walked off down the hall.

I reciprocated the wave and added a little smile. My heart felt like it was going to fall out of my chest during the whole hour of class. It was banging so hard against the walls of my chest, I wouldn't be surprised if she heard it.
It was like every time she was around my heart just went crazy. I've never felt this way before. Damn.

I met Lauren for lunch and we sat down at the typical table we sit at.

"Hey," Lauren said, shifting her food over to the other side.

I furrowed my brows at her, giving her a questioning look. She nodded and I looked in the direction she was looking at and quickly looked back over at her.

"She's sitting by herself, now is your perfect chance!" Lauren said enthusiastically.

I shook my head quickly, refusing to go sit with her. "She's in my Physics class, and we are partners for this project. That's enough."

"There is never enough of Normani." She winked, looking over at the girl.

"Ew, you have a girlfriend dipshit." I said in disgust, throwing a piece of bread at her.

She flinched and threw it back. "Go talk to her," she suggested. "Just talk to her like she's me." She added on.

I widened my eyes and shook my head. "The hell? I definitely can't do that. I can barely say hi, much less talk to her. Especially if I pretend she's you."

I turned my head and watched as a guy sat down next to her and I frowned. "Too fucking late now." I pouted. "She's out of my league anyways. I don't even know if she's into girls."

"Girls are like spaghetti," Lauren stated. I furrowed my brows, confused with one of her daily confusing sayings. "They're straight at first, but once they get wet, they aren't anymore." She winked, picking up a piece of lettuce and shoving it in her mouth.

I nearly spit out my drink and laughed. "You're dumb."

"It's true. You never know. Get with her one night, show her what you can do, boom. Y'all are dating." She said.

"I'm not going to have sex with her."

"You know you want to though."

"Shut the fuck up please..."

She shrugged her shoulders and looked at her phone. "Hold up, my girl is calling. I'll be right back." She got up from the table and leaned against the pole not too far from us.

I sat alone, waiting for her, and as I was waiting, the lighting got darker over me. "Lauren, what are you doing?"

I looked up from my plate and met with the big brown eyes giving me a questioning look. "Can I sit here?" Normani asked, pointing to Lauren's seat.

I nodded my head and watched as she took her seat. "You're like the only person I know at this school," she chuckled.

"Really?" I asked with a mouthful of food. She looked at me, not knowing what I said, and I swallowed the chunks of my salad. "Really?" I repeated.

"Yeah, I'm kind of a shy person." She shrugged a bit.

"You? Shy?" I laughed lightly. "In high school you knew practically everyone."

"Exactly. High school. That was also in California. Now I'm in New York, I know absolutely nobody." She said looking around the cafe.

"I see you made friends with one of our football players. Not that I was looking at you. Well I mean I was, but not in that way. You just were in my view. I was looking at the menu." I rambled, trying my best not to sound like a complete stalker weirdo.

"He's my tour guide. Isn't his name like Kyle or something?" She asked reassuringly.

I shrugged my shoulders. "I barely talk to anyone here." I laughed.

"Who do you talk to?" She asked.

Lauren started walking towards us and I pointed at her. Normani turned and looked and gasped. "Lauren!" She said excitedly.

I watched as the two hugged and I was completely confused. "You guys know each other?"

Normani nodded. "Yeah, we kind of talked in chemistry and when I saw her this morning in class, we kind of got closer." She smiled and looked over at the green eyed girl.

I looked at Lauren and tilted my head, widening my eyes at her. "What a small world!" I said between my teeth.

Normani sat with us at lunch and at the end she reminded me about the library. I told her I would meet her at eight and watched as she walked off.

"You knew she was here?!" I said to Lauren once my crush finally disappeared. "You guys talked in Chemistry as well?!" I added on, hitting her in her arm.

"You would've figured out in Physics anyways! You still would've been mad anyways even if I didn't tell you or if did!" She said as she grasped on her bicep.

I sighed knowing that Lauren was right. "Ugh. She just makes me so..." I paused, not knowing which words to us.

"Heart eyes." Lauren said confidently.

"That and many other things. I want to get over her Laur, but I don't know how to." I pouted, as we walked into the locker room to get ready for volleyball practice.

"I know, it's hard at first, you just have to find a distraction from her." She informed me.

"Like what?"

"Start dating."

"I just got dumped."

"So. It's way to get your mind off of her." She mentioned, placing her shorts on.

I sighed and sat down on the bench. I really didn't want to start dating, especially with guys. That isn't an option for me.

We went to the gym and I was greeted by my smaller friend with a hug. "Hi Mila." I chuckled, patting the top of her head as she wrapped her arms around my body.

"I missed you Dinah!" She said as she squeezed me tighter.

Mila, well Camila, was my first friend on this volleyball team. I didn't really talk to anyone since Lauren was in softball, so in volleyball, I was like the quiet one. Camila noticed and came up to me and greeted me. Ever since then she was like my best friend.

"How was Miami?" I asked once we released from the hug.

"Amazing, tiring, fun." She stated, counting on her fingers.

"Did you find a boyfriend yet?" Lauren asked.

Camila rolled her eyes. "Miami boys aren't my cup of tea."

"Who the fuck says that?" Lauren questioned with a chuckle at the end.

"Stop being so mean Lauren," Our smaller friend, Ally, approached us. "We all know you had a bad experience with Miami boys it's okay." She stated.

"I'm honest done with guys," Camila rolled her eyes. "I'm just planning on being single." She stated.

I agreed with her and gave her a high five. "Same."

"You don't want to be single, you want to be Normani's girlfriend." Lauren laughed.

I looked at her and everyone ooed. "Normani, sounds familiar. Is she new?" Ally quizzed.

"Yeah, it's her first day here." I informed them.

"They're going on a date tonight," Lauren winked, elbowing me in my side.

"That's so cute Dinah!" Camila said excitedly, clasping her hands together.

"It's not a date," I sighed annoyedly. "We're just working on this project together."

Our coach blew the whistle and we hustled to the center of the court to discuss practice and break.

The first thing we had to do was jog six laps and as we jogged I told them about Normani and the break up with Vince.

"Finally he's gone," Ally said relievedly. "He wasn't good for you."

The rest of the girls agreed. "I'm glad he's gone, I can be free finally."

"We can all get drunk and not worry about hearing shit from him!" Lauren cheered, being shady as usual.

The reason she said that was because he hated when I had fun. If I came around him drunk, he would get mad at both me and the girls. We got into this heated argument once about him not letting me be able to have fun and it was probably one of the second worst arguments we've had.

Practice really helped me get my anger out. Usually when I'm mad, I get in the zone and do better than I normally do. The team likes it, especially the coach.

Being single was a good feeling, especially after a toxic relationship, but you still miss somethings. You miss their touch, their kisses, their voice, all the good memories. Then you worry you won't get that love and affection from anybody else. 

-
Before I met with Normani I had almost twenty different outfit changes. I understand this isn't a date, but I want to make sure I look good, especially in front of her and after I got out of practice.

I got to the library right at eight and I saw her walking in. Maybe I should just wait, no one is ever really on time for things. I thought to myself as I watched her walk in. I shook my head and exited my car and walked into the library.

"Hey," she greeted me with a smile, showing her teeth.

"Hi," I reciprocated as I took a sit across from her. "Ready to get all Bill Nye the Science Guy?" I joked, it sounded way better in my head.

She chuckled and nodded while she pulled out her notebook and laptop. "I used to love him when I was a kid." She mentioned.

"He made science fun, now we have a lame ass professor." I rolled my eyes.

"Is he always that monotone?" She questioned, furrowing her brows.

I nodded my head gently. "Pretty much almost everyone is dead in his class anyways." I chuckled.

We had a small moment of silence as we got our textbooks out and laptops. I noticed that she put on the reading glasses from earlier and I could feel my heart pounding against my chest and a little drop of sweat form in the corner of my forehead.

She jumped right into the research and she wrote down facts that she found important and that could be useful in our project. As for me, I zoned out. All I could think about was what was I going to say to her. Should I start a conversation, say some jokes, or just speak about the project?

"Dinah," she called my name and I quickly turned my neck to look at her. "You have anything down?" She asked with a little smirk on her lips.

Her eyes fell to my paper and then she looked back up at me and arched one brow, still smirking. "Just brainstorming." I stated, tapping my index finger on the side of my forehead.

"You just brainstormed for a good ten minutes." she laughed.

I pursed my lips together and nodded slowly. "You know, I just brainstorm slowly."

She nodded her head with a smile on her face and got back to work. I watched as she did her work and my eyes were glued onto her. I happened to zone out and stare for a good couple of seconds. She was just so beautiful.

"Dinah, what are you doing?" She asked without turning to look at me.

I looked away from her quickly and got into writing. "Nothing, just trying to see what you're writing down."

Multiple times throughout the night, I would stare at her. It was just random. Even when she would be talking but not looking at me, my eyes were on her. I just loved the way she looked when she would be doing absolutely nothing. Then she would often furrow her brows at her work, and sigh annoyedly because she was confused or she got something wrong.

I found it really adorable and I just couldn't help myself from looking at her.

"Alright," Normani exhaled and began to pack her stuff up. "I got to start heading out, I'll see you tomorrow in class." She smiled as she through her bag over her shoulder and pushed her chair in.

I reciprocated the smile and got up as well. "See you tomorrow."

We both headed out the library together and we went our separate ways. As I was driving down the street, I noticed she was sitting at the bus stop. I hesitated, worried that she'd hate this car I had since high school and she wouldn't want to ride in this piece of shit. But I didn't want her to have to take the bus, especially this late.

"Need a ride?" I asked her, rolling my window down.

She shot her head up, startled a bit, but relaxed once she saw it was me. "No it's fine, the bus should be here. I don't want you to have to waste your gas." She waved her hand dismissively.

This fucking car. "You won't. Plus you won't have to deal with the stench of the public bus." I smiled. She be hesitated at first and looked to see if the bus was coming and then at her watch.

She walked up to the door and opened it. When she sat down, something had been at her feet and quickly picked up the leftover food that Lauren forgot to grab. "I am so sorry, my friend, she's lazy." I grabbed the bag and threw it in the backseat.

"Understandable." She simply said, with a small chuckle.

We drove in a silence that wasn't really awkward. I think she had been thinking about something because she furrowed her brows and her eyes were narrowed a bit. She looked outside the window a lot and often checked her phone. I honestly didn't mind, I wouldn't have to say anything awkward or uncomfortable.

I got to her dorm and dropped her off. She thanked me for the ride and I offered to give her one whenever she needed one. She took the offer and told me that she appreciated and she'll let me know if she'll ever need one.

Normani was a beautiful girl. Ten times more beautiful than she was in high school. I noticed that she got a bit taller and she looked more mature. High school she looked the same, but now she dresses a lot more confident. She walks around with a lot more confidence than she had in high school too. It was honestly the hottest thing in the world. Her hair was simply all black, unlike in high school when she had blue, red, and a lot of other colors.

Today, I complete forgot all about Vince. My mind was on Normani only. All the butterflies came back and when I would talk to her, I didn't feel as nervous.

I honest thought we would never speak since we were two different people. She was into cheering, the school yearbook, and science. As for me, I was into volleyball, writing, literature, and I wasn't the popular type. Now that we've talked, it's like what was I nervous about? We get along pretty well, I don't feel like she doesn't want to do this project with me, I feel like she really wants to do it with me. She's a pretty easy person to talk to, it just depends.

The only thing is, I highly doubt she'll feel the same way about me as I feel about her.