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There is still hope

  It was in the middle of the afternoon. Brian had not slept a wink, way too excited because Roger came back the night before. He spent the night and the morning wondering why he came to him. Did he miss him? It surely was the case. He saw the pain in his eyes when he looked up to him. In a certain way, seeing Roger crying reassured him. In another way, it also broke his heart. Brian could not stop pacing up and down in the living room. Now, he wondered whether changing everything in the living room was a good idea. What if Roger came back and hated it? He would decorate everything again, but this time, it would be with him. With the gorgeous Roger Taylor, the love of his life. He felt like he was reborn, just because he saw Roger here.

“He smiled at me... He beautifully smiled at me... He'll be back, oh yes, he'll be back!!”

He walked up to Roger's chest of drawers and opened the first one. When he opened it, he heard the sound of pieces of wood hitting one another. Indeed, this was the drawer in which Roger put all his drumsticks. He took one pair on which was written in black letters “Roger Taylor”. He closed the drawer and walked up to the couch, where he sat. He pressed the drumsticks again his heart, grinning amorously.

Freddie crossed Melbury Road, coming from Kensington High Street. He walked on the small path leading to the door of the 28, Melbury Road. He knocked on the wooden door and waited for Brian to open it. As nobody came, he rang the bell and the door immediately opened widely, making him jump and scream.

“For Fuck's sake, Bri, what's wrong with you? I nearly had a heart attack!”

“Sorry Fred, but life seems so wonderful today!”

“Wait, what?”

“Come in!”

Freddie frowned and followed Brian inside; he removed his striped black and burgundy velvet coat that he hanged to the coat rack. Brian invited him to sit on the couch and walked up to the kitchen to prepare them a cup of tea. Freddie looked all around with amazement.

“You changed everything'ere!”

“Yeah, d'you like it?”

“I do! It looks refreshing. It's not that I didn't like what it looked like before, but it's less dark and dull.”

“I still have to add some other things, but I'm proud of myself.”

“But really, when did you do that? We left yesterday around noon!”

“I did that yesterday after you left. I bought the paint and the decorations at Shepherd's Bush.”

“You should have asked! I would have bring you there with my car.”

“Nah, it was okay making my way with the tube. Some people recognised me, but I didn't get harassed.”

Brian put the tea in the teapot and put it along with two cups on a tray, which he brought to the living room where Freddie had sat. He smiled at him when he saw his tall thin friend coming with the tea. He thanked him as Brian handed him a cup and cleared his throat.

“By the way, you said that life seemed wonderful today, what did you mean? Yesterday you were all depressed and all... What happened?”

“Oh, that's a long story” Brian giggled whilst sitting on the other couch. “Well, not that long, but still... After I redecorated the living room and all, I had dinner and I went straight to bed. I couldn't sleep for like two hours and... Oh that's so beautiful I feel like I could cry.”

“Please, say it, I can't wait to hear that!”

“Right, right. Well, after two hours of sobbing in my pillow, I heard something hitting the wall. But of course, nobody was there, as you may know. As you Brian May know, hehe!”

“Brian...”

“Sorry.”

He cleared his throat, still laughing at this pun.

“I thought it was nothing at first and as it did it again, I got up and went to look through the window. I saw nothing at first and so I leant out of the window and guessed what I saw. I mean... who I saw.”

“John hiding himself behind a playlist?”

“Oh, come on, Fred, you all surprised me that day! No, it wasn't John.”

“Who was it, then?”

“Roger.”

Freddie's dark eyes widened. Finally, John might have been right when he said that Roger still loved Brian. After all, Roger managed to go to Brian's house in the middle of the night? Wasn't it a proof? Freddie cleared his throat.

“That's great! Did you talk, then?”

“Unfortunately, no.” Brian frowned. “I called him and he looked up. He smiled and he was crying at the same time. Then I asked him if he was coming back, but he didn't reply.”

“What did he do?”

“He ran away.”

Roger blinked a few times, blinded by the sun shining right on his face. He heard footsteps all around him and felt oppressed. He jumped and realised he had fallen asleep on the ground of the corner of Melbury Road after he ran away from Brian's house. He sighed and curled up so people would not walk on him. His right cheek was covered with dust and so were his clothes. He shook his hair and tapped his clothes to get rid of the dust. His head was hurting like mad, as if someone was hitting his skull from the inside. He tried to stand up, but a pedestrian kicked him in the arm, pushing him to the ground. He refrained from cursing and swearing as two girls ran to him.

“Are you alright, sir?”

“Yeah, thanks.”

“Hey, aren't you Rog Taylor? I mean... Roger Taylor?”

“I am.”

“Look at yourself! You're a total mess!” one of the girls said. “D'you want us to bring you somewhere?”

“Yeah, I'd like to, please. But I don't want to bother you, really.”

“Come on, we won't let you stay there!”

They warmly smiled at them. Roger smiled back at them as they tried to stand him up. Then, they walked for five minutes until they reached a car. The girls invited him to get in. He did so and one of them started up the car, driving in the streets.

“By the way, my name's Abby, and here's Helen” the girl that sat on the back seats said to him, pointing at the driver. “We're fans of Queen, but we're not like groupies or things like that.”

“Nice to meet you girls. I'm glad that you are, then.”

They all laughed and then, Helen, the girl who was driving, turned to him.

“By the way, where do you want us to take you?”

“Sutherland Avenue, please.”

“Oh, we don't live far from'ere! By the way, what happened to you if you had to sleep in the street? D'you have any troubles?”

“Love troubles, yeah...”

“Oh, I'm terribly sorry” Abby said. “I hope you'll be alright!”

“I hope too.”

Helen cleared her throat and frowned, still looking at the road.

“Stop me if I'm wrong, but I'm sure that those troubles include Brian, Brian May. Doesn't it? Maybe it was meant to be kept secret, but at the concerts or on some pictures I can see in the press, you're always looking at each other with such intensity! But maybe I'm wrong, if I am, I'm sorry.”

“No, actually... You're right. It's all about him.”

“What happened? Don't worry, we're not journalists, we won't write disgusting articles about your private life et cetera, we won't tell everybody either. We always lived in an era in which homosexuality is considered a sin. But it's not. It's fucking not. It's all about love, and sometimes sex, it's true, but it's nothing else than love. I don't see why people don't understand that, I mean... Some doctors still give pills to cure homosexuality. That's gross.”

Roger's eyes widened as he heard her speak. He was impressed and quite touched by what she was saying. She was pointing at the problems that forced Brian and him to keep their relationship secret for all those years.

“Well I felt depressed suddenly and I started to doubt about myself, my role in the band, and about Brian. He tried his best to cheer me up, but it didn't work I still had those terrible mood changes, and... I felt like something happened too fast in our relationship and I started to believe that it spoiled everything. Actually, it isn't the case, I just fucking screwed everything up. So I left Brian, I drank too much, and now I'm living at my ex-girlfriend's flat. Who could ask for more, he?”

Helen looked at him with sympathy in her eyes.

“Moments of doubt can happen to everybody. You start torturing your own mind and sometimes, your own body. And then, you make decisions. Some are good, some are not. We think they're healthy for us when actually they can be deadly. Most of the time, you decide to sacrifice something that you consider being wrong in your life, and it turns out to be the best thing that keeps you alive. Just because you doubted about it. We can sometimes go back and make it come back to our lives again, but some people fail and remain unhappy for the rest of their lives, thinking they don't worth it and all.”

“I couldn't have said it better than you do, Helen” Roger smiled. “Knowing that I'm not the only person to feel that is like a relief. When it happens, you start to believe that all the world around you is spinning round in one direction, and you're spinning round in the other. That drives one man crazy.”

Helen and Abby nodded. Roger caught a glimpse of the sign that indicated they arrived at Sutherland Avenue. Roger said to Helen where to park and when she did, she stopped the car and turned to Roger.

“Don't pay attention to all the unhealthy things people might say. You, and only you, own your life. Do what you want with it. Raise your middle finger to them if you want to, nobody can stop you. Just spread the right word. That's the only thing you must do. I hope everything will get better in your life, and that Brian will come back to you. Remember: it's all about love. If you love him, don't give up on him.”

“You're a very smart and wise girl, Helen, thank you very much. Oh, and I'm sure that you are too, Abby. Thank you for what you did to help me, I really appreciate that. You're the kind of people this bloody Earth needs. Thanks a lot again.”

He stretched out his arms and tightly hugged Helen, and then Abby. He opened the door and got out of the car. Helen lowered the window and bent over the passenger seat.

“Roger!”

“Yeah?”

“From the beginning, I can feel that Queen will one day change the vision of homosexuality in the world. It will happen soon or later, but I'm sure that you will trigger something big. Be yourself, and fuck everybody who dares say that you don't deserve to live!”

“I will, thank you, Helen, Abby.”

He gave them a heartily smile and stood still, waving at them. Helen started up the car again and as they were about to drive away, Roger jumped at the window.

“Oh, by the way!” he shouted. “I'm in love with your car.”

The two girls laughed and gave high fived him before they let the motor roar and drive them away from Sutherland Avenue. Roger smiled at the car, being happy that he met the two girls. He quickly ran up the few steps that led to Violet's flat and opened the door. He sneaked inside and Violet, obviously, was waiting for him, furious, behind him.

“Roger Meddows Taylor, thank you for leaving me the whole night!”

Roger blenched and tried to find an excuse to say to her. He could not say he was at Brian's, she would be mad at him. He swallowed his saliva and finally faced her.

“I'm sorry Violet, I...”

“I hope that you had fun with those sluts!”

“Those..? No, no, that's a misunderstanding.”

“Oh, really? I woke up alone this morning, you didn't come back and when you did, there were those two chicks! What am I supposed to believe?”

“You don't understand. Those girls were two fans that helped me to come back home! They found me and...”

“Where did you spend the night?”

“In a bar.”

This was the only excuse he found. She frowned and crossed her arms.

“In a bar? Why did you go to a bar?”

“I wanted to drink something and I left.”

“Roger, you can't even lie. I have a wardrobe full of bottles of gin, whiskey, vodka... We shared a glass yesterday and it's you who took a bottle in it. Now, don't tell me you've forgotten!”

“I couldn't sleep either. So I went to a bar and as Brian's house was near, I...”

“I KNEW IT! I KNEW THAT BRIAN WAS INVOLVED!”

She kicked a basket that was lying around her feet and rushed into the bedroom where she sat and cried. Roger slowly walked up to her.

“I just put the photograph in the mail box. Nothing more, dear.”

“I can't believe you, Roger, I can't! How did you know you'd go to a bar near Brian's house and took the photograph with you?”

“I thought that I could bring it there at the same time. So I could spend more time with you in the morning. But I fell asleep on the table of the bar and as I couldn't get up, those two fans helped me and brought me here by car.”

“You kissed them, Roger, I saw you!”

“I only hugged them to thank them. Nothing more. They were really nice and warm, but I couldn't do anything with them, I can show some respect, you know.”

Violet sat up on the bed and wiped her tears away. She sniffed and looked at Roger with a terrible expression.

“It's the last time that I believe you. The very last time.”

“Are you sure that Roger came?” Freddie frowned. “It almost seems unreal, I mean... He left not so long ago and...”

Brian was smiling hugely, walking around the living room. He was completely unable to stay in one place, he felt like he was reborn, that sun was shining again. Freddie's eyes were following him nervously. Brian walked up to a chest of drawer on which he had placed the photograph and the locks of hair. He took them and brought them to Freddie.

“Look at that... He brought a photograph that he took with the camera I gave him for our second anniversary. He took it just after we woke up. He kept it and apparently he came here to give it back to me.”

“Okay, this can be a proof. But the hair? What makes you think that it belongs to Roger?”

“Freddie, I could recognise his hair in a million. It has this certain softness and beauty, y'know.”

“And what if it belonged to your gardener?”

“Our gardener? But we don't have one.”

“You do! Two months ago I drove past the house and there was this blond gardener with tied hair that was watering the flowers in the entry.”

“It was Roger.”

“Rog?! Are you serious? I never saw him with a pony tail! Oh gosh... Didn't he set them on fire?”

“Freddie, he was watering them.”

“It's Roger Taylor, who knows?”

They giggled and Freddie poured some tea in his cup. He asked Brian if he wanted some more, and he nodded. Freddie lifted up the cup and sipped the tea silently, a bit lost in his thoughts. Roger indeed came there the night before, but in what purpose? Maybe John was right, but he still could not be sure.

“Bri, sit down, please.”

Brian sat down next to Freddie, looking at him quizzically. Freddie put down his cup and cleared his throat, sitting up nervously.

“Perhaps Roger came, indeed. But you can't be sure he's coming back, you know.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well... He took this photograph with him, and he came here, I can see it. But, why did he take it with him? I don't think he just dropped it and left. In my opinion, he came here to give it back to you.”

“Why would he do that?”

“Because you are on this photo. He left and maybe he wants to live another life... without you. And so he came here to give it back, as he isn't on it.”

“No, no. It can't be that. When I called him he looked up and smiled. And he was crying!”

“I'm afraid it doesn't prove anything, dear.”

Brian's eyes were becoming more and more dull as Freddie speak. It hurt him to say that to his friend, who was hoping again, but he could not let him have false hopes because of what John had said to him. As a friend, he could not let him suffer.

“He was punching the wall... And I saw his fingers bleeding... What was that for?”

“I don't know, Bri.”

“He didn't just give this photo back to me. He came for me. John promised he would come back.”

“You know” Freddie sighed, “John shouldn't have promised you that. I told him. He can't promise such a thing, mainly if he's not one of the two persons that are involved in it. You can't rely on this promise. We can't be sure that it'll happen.”

Suddenly, the life that lit up Brian's eyes faded away. Instead, his eyes were filling with tears, and he started sobbing, burying his face in his hands. Freddie patted his back.

“I'm sorry, Bri. I'm terribly sorry, maybe I shouldn't have said that this way, but I don't want you to have false hopes.”

“I thought that...I thought that Roger was coming back to me. But he ran away, maybe I should have paid attention to that detail.”

This time, he broke down in tears in Freddie's arms, crying loudly and hiccupping. Freddie tried his best to cheer him up, feeling guilty of what he said. “You stupid fool, he was fine again, why did you screw it up?” After a long time of crying, Freddie stood up, leaving Brian who was pressing the locks of hair against his heart, and walked up to the telephone. He picked up the handset, dialled a number and pressed the handset against his ear. He nervously tapped his fingers against the wall. “Answer, please... answer...” A sudden noise brought him back to reality.

“John Deacon here.”

“It's Fred, darling. Err... I need you.”

“What's wrong?”

“I'm at Brian's, and... Roger came last night.”

“What? Did he?”

“Yeah, he left a photograph and locks of his hair behind him.”

“Did he say something?”

“No, he ran away.”

“Shit...”

“I told Brian that he couldn't be sure that he was coming back, and now he's depressed again. Can you come and talk to him?”

“I'll be there in five minutes.”

Suddenly, John hung up. Freddie imitated him and turned to Brian. He had taken a pair of drumsticks that was lying around on the table and he was kissing them, whispering Roger's name. Full of guilt, Freddie knelt down before him, stroking his hair.

“John's coming. It's alright, darling. I'm sorry.”

“I'm not mad at you. Because you're right. I've been too stupid to believe all that. Roger won't come back and I have to face the facts. But I'd like to know why he punched that fucking wall.”

“Brian, you know how much I'd love to tell you that he'll come back, but we can't be sure that it'll happen. I don't want you to waste your life waiting for something that will surely never happan again.”

“I understand. And you're right. I'm pathetic, so pathetic.”

“No, you're not, dear. It's another heartache, another failed romance. You can't help it.”

Brian sadly nodded, wiping his tears away. Freddie stood up and walked up to the TV, on which a box of tissues was placed. He took it and brought it to Brian. Brian sat up and blew his nose with a tissue that Freddie was handing to him. He sniffed and his fingers clenched over Roger's drumsticks.

“I love Roger like mad.”

“I never doubted about that” Freddie allowed himself to smile.

“D'you know where he is now?”

Freddie bit his lip. He could already imagine his reaction if he told him that Roger was sleeping at Violet's flat. Brian would become paranoid. Moreover, he knew that Roger and Violet went further in the situation.

“No, I don't.”

“Maybe John knows.”

As soon as Brian finished his sentence, the doorbell rang. Freddie walked up to the door and opened it. John was there, smiling weakly.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Is he better than when you called?”

“A tiny bit.”

John nodded and stepped inside, hugging Freddie at the same time. He removed his coat and walked up to the living room. He put his coat on the couch and sat beside Brian, wrapping an arm around him. With his hand, he was gently rubbing his shoulder.

“Freddie told me Roger was here yesterday...”

“Last night, actually.”

Brian told him what happened, showing him the picture and the locks of hair.John was nodding at every detail he heard, carefully taking the photograph, looking at it whilst attentively listening to his friend. When everything had been told, John frowned and stared into space.

“Roger is full of mystery. Why on Earth did he come here?”

“You promised he would come back, remember?” Brian hiccupped.

“Yeah, I know... I shouldn't have promised that. I wanted to cheer you up, that's all. I'm sorry.”

“Do you think he will come back?”

“I don't know. But I really hope he will.”

Freddie sighed and nervously tapped his fingers on his hips. Brian suddenly straightened up and looked at John right into his eyes.

“Deaky, d'you know where he is now?”

As John was about to answer, Freddie looked at him and madly shook his head. With his lips, he formed the words “Don't tell him!” John turned to Brian.

“He told me he was in a hotel. Maybe he moved after that, hotels are expensive. I don't know more.”

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