Wilbur paced around the Queen's Entourage HQ, unable to settle down. When is Grian getting back? Did he find Techno yet? When did he leave? Has he arrived yet? Is he okay? Is Techno ok? What's GOING ON?!

The three of them, Tubbo, Tommy, and Wilbur himself, have barely been resting well for the past five days, since Grian was gone. Wilbur had asked the avian to deliver a letter to his oldest brother, Techno. Both of them had known the dangers of this mission, but Grian understood, and had taken off with the letter on the day that... that he died.

None of them could bear to speak his name. When Grian was here, he had almost become the fatherly figure to the three of them, because no matter how hard Wilbur tried, he couldn't be his father. He was just a brother. He would never be Tommy's father.

But Grian... he could be. And he tried. And Wilbur was thankful for his company. It not only reassured him, Grian also lifted a bit of his weight off his shoulders, being the older brother.

When the avian left, all three of them fell into a dark, depressing mood. Wilbur had steadily developed black eye bags under his eyes, both from his own stress and from waking up to Tommy's asleep cries in the middle of the night. They had both taken the QE's base as their home now, unwilling to step inside Grian's cave mansion. Memories of him were too strong there.

Tubbo, on the other hand, had opted to stay with Ranboo, perhaps finding more comfort in a friend than his adoptive family. Wilbur didn't blame him. He had never payed too much attention to Tubbo, so it was natural that Tubbo didn't have as much of an attachment to him.

"Wilbur?" Tommy croaked, blinking at his pacing brother.

"I'm fine." Wilbur muttered, waving Tommy away. "Just... thinking."

Thinking. Thinking was a thing that all of them did now, and very oftenly.

"No, it's not that." Tommy said, pointing up. "I think I see something."

Wilbur's head snapped up, his sleep-deprived eyes searching the sky frantically through the back window. Finally, he spotted the single black dot in the distance that got larger by the second. He stared at the dot like his life depended on it.

Grian crashed through the window, shattering glass everywhere and holding a letter close to his chest. "Wilbur! I found Techno! He replied!" He said excitedly, eyes shining...

Before he collapsed. Wilbur and Tommy both started forwards, Tommy catching the avian before he face-planted onto the floor, and Wilbur heading for the letter.

"Grian? Are you ok?" Tommy asked anxiously while Wilbur took the letter out of the avian's hands, opening it eagerly.

"Yeah, I'm fine." The avian muttered, propping himself upright with the help of Tommy. "I'm just tired. Flew faster here than I got there." He slumped down on the nearest chair. "Can I have some water?"

Tommy handed Grian a cup of water as he leaned over Wilbur's shoulder, taking in Techno's letter. Wilbur made sure he was looking before he started to read.

"How mean!" Tommy exclaimed, crossing his arms and pouting. Wilbur could tell, however, that his brother was actually excited for Techno to be back. Tommy had always worshipped 'The Blade', and Wilbur knew he still did.

"What does it say?" Grian asked sleepily. Wilbur sneaked a glance at the avian to see him nodding off, tired.

"That Techno will arrive a day after you do. So presumably tomorrow." Wilbur said, folding the paper over again and tucking it back into the envelope. "So we should send out announcements for... for the event." He couldn't say funeral. It had been hard enough to write it, and speaking it verbally was even harder.

Tommy nodded. "Big G, you should rest."

"Big G?"

Grian had fallen asleep.

~~~

Wilbur shifted in his sleep. Tommy was in a different room, probably crying his heart's contents out, but Wilbur couldn't care less. He was grieving too. He couldn't always be the older brother, the one looking over his younger brother. He couldn't shoulder this alone.

The door creaked open. Wilbur turned towards the wall, not wanting to deal with Tommy's trauma, if that was what it was called. He was angry. The second stage of grief, he supposed.

"Wilbur? You ok?" Grian's voice floated through the room.

Wilbur pretended to be asleep. He was too angry, too sad, to talk about his death with Grian. He hoped that Grian would leave after thinking that he was asleep, but the avian didn't. Instead, he sat down on Wilbur's bed and patted the blanket. "I know you're awake." Grian murmured.

Wilbur dropped his act. "How did you know?" He asked, sitting up.

"Because we're all having trouble sleeping right now." Grian said softly. "Me included."

"I-I fucking hate it." Wilbur blurted out. "Sorry, I know you don't like swears." He added quickly afterwards. Grian nodded, picking at the sheets. "But I do. I really do. He's just gone, and there's fucking nothing I can do about it. I don't want more deaths. I don't want this to end up like the Dream SMP, but I want to avenge him, somehow." Wilbur continued, words spilling out of his mouth, straight from his mind.

"I know." Grian said. "It's so hard, without... without Phil." He whispered the last word, and Wilbur felt the crack in his heart, which he had been trying to heal for the past two days, split open again. "And there's nothing I can do either."

"You do have an emotional outlet, don't you?" Wilbur asked. "Building?"

Grian sighed. "It... it used to be great, but this... this is something different. Every time I try to build something, I can't focus. I keep thinking about... you know."

Wilbur nodded. He knew what Grian was talking about. "I want to do something." He declared, pulling his blanket up to his chin.

"We can't cause more deaths in this world." Grian reminded him gently.

"I don't want more deaths." Wilbur said. "But I never used any TNT during the fight..."

Grian laughed a little. "When no one is around, ok?"

Wilbur nodded. "Can we blow up Scar's mountain? Please? Just for retaliation?" He saw the hesitance in the avian's eyes, knowing how much he loved beautiful builds, and sighed. "I mean, we don't have to-"

"Let's do it." Grian said.

"Seriously?" Wilbur asked, eyes wide.

"No, /srs." Grian deadpanned, earning a laugh from Wilbur. Ever since they had joined together, the hermits had learned the slang that the Dream SMP members spoke, and now used it often.

"We're actually going to do it?" Wilbur asked again, not believing.

"Yes, we are." Grian said. "Tomorrow, after breakfast and before lunch, when no one is in the mountain, we'll blow it up."

"You promise?"

"I promise." Grian murmured. "Now, go to sleep. You'll need your energy tomorrow."

Wilbur nodded, and as Grian left the room, snuggled into his blue blanket, prepared for tomorrow.

~~~

He didn't know who he was. Only that he was walking down a dark path, everything black around him. He was content and carefree, letting the comforting darkness move him along. He didn't know where he was going, but continued none-the less.

He wondered who he was. Sure, he felt happy and carefree now, but was that always the case? He must have lived a life, somewhere, at some time. He simply couldn't remember it.

A frown donned the man's face as he tried to remember who he was. What did he look like? Did he have blond hair, or brown? Were his eyes like the sky, or the color of dirt? Or were they the exact color of darkness swirling around him at this moment?

Slowly, an image began to form inside his brain. Blond hair, curling elegantly around his ears; a pair of emerald green eyes that would be filled with mischief and wisdom, depending on the moment. A green and white bucket hat, as well as a green and black robe, were his usual clothing.

I had a pair of wings? The man asked himself, surprised as a pair of gray wings came onto his mind. I must have been interesting.

Another, blurred face appeared in his mind's eye, and it came with a sharp burst of pain, right in his heart. The man stumbled and clutched his chest as grief overwhelmed him, almost bringing him to his knees. Tears spilled out of his green eyes involuntarily, and he gasped, trying to catch his breath. He wiped the tears away from his eyes and concentrated on the image.

He saw a man with blond hair but pure black eyes. Anyone else might have seen them as evil, but he only saw kindness in them. A happy smile was plastered on the man's face, and he wore a bright red jumper and his hands were tucked into the pockets of a pair of gray pants. What was most interesting, was that the man also had a pair of gray, feathered wings, exactly like his own.

Grian. The name came to him like it had always been there, stirring subconsciously in his mind. That's Grian.

Grian was replaced with two young adults, both standing straight and tall, looking right at him. On the left, a pink-haired man, with sharp canines and a scowl that seemed to be fixed onto his face. On the right, a brown haired, slyly smiling man with a guitar strung across his back and glasses displaying intelligent brown eyes.

The man felt a burst of longing and love, and he reached forwards, wanting to clutch these two people - Wilbur and Technoblade? - to him tightly and never let go. But before he could, they disappeared, revealing a single figure.

A young boy, with a red and white striped shirt and a green bandana around his neck. His knees were tucked up to his chest, his head buried in them. As the man watched, the boy raised his head, revealing a pair of tear-filled cyan eyes. The boy looked straight at him, and his mouth formed silent words, please come back, before he faded away too.

Tommy. The man thought. He fell to his knees, clutching his head as more and more people invaded his mind. A girl wearing a red and white striped shirt, with goggles on top of her blond hair; a mustached, suit-wearing man; a tall boy with a half black, half white visage; a young boy, with fluffy brown hair and a cheerful smile on his face.

False; Mumbo; Ranboo; Tubbo.

He knew all these people, so why didn't he know himself?

What was my name? He asked himself desperately. What was my name?!

"Walk with me." A voice called softly. The man raised his head to see a figure, reaching out their hand to him. He took it, and let the figure help him up. "Are you alright?" The person asked when he was up.

"Yes and no." The man replied before examining the figure. They were surrounded by pure darkness, allowing him to see no features, but the voice sounded feminine. "Who are you?"

The figure smiled. Or, at least, the man thought she did. It was hard to tell when she was surrounded by a cloud of black. "I go by many names. However, here, I am known as death." (A/N: and no it's not mumza mumza doesn't exist in this headcanon... yet)

"So I'm in the afterlife?" The man asked. They were walking along now, and the man noticed that the darkness was slowly dissipating.

"Yes, you are." The figure replied.

"Why is no one else here?" He asked again.

"Because you are the only one who is dead." She said simply.

The man thought for a moment. "So... those people I saw. Grian. Wilbur and Techno; Tommy. They aren't dead?"

"Luckily, no." The figure said. "What else can you remember?"

"Not much." The man admitted. "I remember some other people. False, who I think was good friends with Techno... this guy called Mumbo... Ranboo and Tubbo."

The figure nodded. The man realized she had stopped in her tracks, and he stopped too, looking back at her. "Why have we stopped?"

As a response, she gestured in front of him. The man turned around to see a white gate, barred, with two giant crows standing on either side like statues. On closer examination, he found that the gate was made up of bones, pure white and glistening in the air. To his surprise, he didn't feel disgusted by the gate at all. Instead, the man felt an urge to place his hands onto the bars.

He turned towards the figure again. "What is this place?" He asked.

The girl simply gestured towards the gate again, and the man looked at it once more. This time, on a white plaque hung on top of the gate, skulls on either side, wrote:

"The Gate of Life and Death." He repeated, bewildered and excited at the same time. If I cross that, does that mean I can cross back into life?

"I want you to listen closely to what I'm about to say." The figure said, gathering his attention again. "Come over here. I cannot be near the gate."

"Why?" He asked, moving over to the girl.

"Because I am death, and that Gate is life. The Gate will not allow me to be within ten steps of it, and these ten steps are the ones you will have to transverse alone." The figure said, looking straight at him. "Now listen closely, because although I cannot walk the ten steps with you, I can help you."

She took a deep breath, stepped forwards into the light, and began to speak.

"In front of the gate of bone,
Ten steps can be taken to be reborn.

On steps one, two, and three you will learn
Something new before you return

Steps four, five and six, you will continue to remember
You past life, for you to piece together

Steps seven and eight will be the hardest of all
And steps nine and ten will be a puzzle for you to solve

Now go, wronged one, place your hands onto the gate
I have released you from your mistakened fate."

She stopped, and stepped back into the shadow. "Do you understand?"

The man nodded. "One, two and three I will learn something new. Four, five and six I will regain some of my own memory. Seven and eight will be hard, and nine and ten will be a puzzle for me to solve. I understand."

The girl nodded, satisfied. "Now go, and remember what I said."

The man breathed in deeply and turned towards the gate. He began his ten steps.

One. Tommy, Techno, Wilbur and people like them have three lives. Once they lose their third life, they will be dead forever.

Two. Grian, False, Mumbo and people like them can die infinite amounts of times. When they die, they will be respawned to wherever they last slept, or spent the night.

Three. He died because he only had one life. Even back in his own world, he had one life. That was why he died.

Four. He was an avian. He could fly using his wings, and he was really good at flying too. Other people didn't have wings, except for Grian.

Five. He was the biological father of Tommy, Techno, and Wilbur. Techno and Wilbur were twins. He adopted Tubbo.

Six. His best friend was Grian. They had met when their worlds collided, and had become best friends since they both had wings. Grian had also become a fatherly figure for Tommy, even managing to stop the young boy from swearing as often as he normally did.

Seven. He remembered how to be happy. He remembered scolding Wilbur for blowing up something again. He remembered chasing Techno, who was chasing Tommy for stealing some random shit of his again. He remembered flying with Grian, and chatting with him about the wind conditions. He could stay here forever, showered with happy emotions, but he wanted to continue.

Eight. He remembered how to be sad. He remembered the sadness of seeing Techno leave him and the regret of leaving Tommy so young. He remembered how he had placed that sword into Wilbur's chest, in the old world. He remembered Grian, leaning over him with tears flowing out of his black eyes as he slowly succumbed into darkness. He remembered every shred of grief, of regret and anger, accumulated from two different worlds. Tears flew down his face, but he reminded himself to keep walking.

Nine. For the first time, he didn't feel anything. No new information or emotions struck him. Instead, his only thoughts were that one more step, and he would be able to touch the gate.

Ten.

He stepped forwards and placed his hands onto the bone gate. They didn't feel cold, like he thought they would. Instead, they pulsed with an unnatural warmth, spreading from his fingertips to his body. It was the feeling of life. He let the warmth take control over him; his heart beated in sync with the pulse of the gate.

He remembered.

My name is Phil.

WC: 2828

A/N: i loved writing this chapter so much tbh

'edited' on Jan 23rd 2022