This might be my last update for the month of November since I will be focusing on my review. But I will still try to write whenever I have an extra time. Thank you!

p.s. i don't proofread. xoxo

- - -

Waves

"I'm glad that your performance in school is getting better, Benjamin." Tumango ako sa nakangiting si Mommy. She was so pleased at the result of my finals that she really went home to praise me for it. "Having a tutor must've been a huge help, huh?"

Uminom ako ng tubig at tipid na ngumiti. "Opo, My. Magaling pong tutor si Rael..."

Sabado ngayon at himalang dito kumain ng agahan si Mommy sa bahay. Sanay kasi akong kapag ganitong araw ay kung hindi nasa Cebu ay nasa ibang bansa naman siya para magliwaliw kasama ng mga kumare niya.

"Any plans for college?"

Nabura ang kaunting ngiti ko. I sighed a bit. May isang semester pa naman kaya hindi ko pa napagtutuonan ng pansin ang tungkol doon. Even the course I am going to take is still a blur to me. I don't know why. Maybe because I wasn't pressured since I was a kid? At ngayong nabanggit ni Mommy ay saka ko lang naalala.

"Wala pa?" she probed lightly. "Don't tell me mag-aasawa ka na kaagad?"

Napasimangot ako.

Gano'n ba 'yon? Kapag wala pang plano ibig sabihin mag-aasawa na kaagad? I wanted to roll my eyes. Hindi ba pweding hindi pa ako makapili ng gusto kong kurso?

"I'm just kidding, Benj. I know that you still don't have a girlfriend..."

My eyes narrowed at her when she continued.

"Kaya nga ako umuwi rito. Mabilan sa natuwa ako sa resulta ng finals mo, balak ko ring ipakilala ka sa anak ng isa kong kaibigan. Palagi kasi kitang nakukwento kapag bumibisita ako sa kanila at isang beses ay naipakita ko na rin sa babaeng anak nito ang ilan sa mga pictures mo..."

Kung kanina ay maayos pa akong nakakakain, ngayon ay tuluyan na talaga akong nawalan ng gana. My brows knitted before I looked away and wiped my lips with the napkin.

Now I don't remember why I joined this breakfast with my mother when I could've had this meal with my boyfriend instead.

"And guess what? She likes you! And she has a huge crush on you already! These days I will surely invite her here so you two could meet and—"

"I'm not interested." Malamig kong putol sa kay Mommy. "Pakisabi rin na hindi ko siya magugustuhan kaya maghanap na lang siya ng iba."

Mommy frowned. Halatang nagulat ito sa pagtanggi ko pero wala na akong pakialam. Nakakainis. Is my mother really that bored that she's now starting to get nosy with my personal life? I mean, of course, she's my mother. But that doesn't make a free pass for her to just randomly start to introduce me to whoever she wants!

"Pero Benj, sayang, ang ganda-ganda pa naman ng anak ng kumare kong 'yon." Hirit pa nito na mas lalo lang ikinainit ng ulo ko.

I scoffed irritably. Pakialam ko do'n? Si Rael lang ang gusto ko. Kay Rael lang ako magiging interesado. Kung hindi si Rael, ayoko. Tapos ang usapan.

"You two will make a beautiful couple—"

"I said what I said, Mommy." I said dismissively.

"Hindi naman masama kung susubukan mo, Benj. Try mo lang. Baka magustuhan mo siya? She's a nice girl anyway. Baka next month papuntahin ko 'yon dito..." Mommy still tried to convince me.

Tang ina lang.

The urge to voice out my thoughts was so palpable but I kept my mouth shut. Napag-usapan na namin 'to ni Rael. I was getting impatient, lalo na kapag ganito, pero nirerespeto ko ang gusto niya. Para rin naman 'yon sa aming dalawa. I can't do anything right now but be patient and wait. Sana lang ay huwag akong sinusubok lagi ng masasamang espirito.

Mommy left after breakfast. Mabuti naman dahil napagkasunduan namin ni Rael na dito kami sa bahay ngayon mag-aaral.

"Are you okay? What's wrong? Masyado bang mahirap?" Rael's voice slowly lingered on my ears, waking me up from trance. Napakurap-kurap ako at mabilis na ibinaba ang tingin sa papel na pinapasagutan niya sa akin. Hindi ko pa rin iyon nagagalaw. My brows furrowed, feeling dismayed at myself for wasting our time.

Napatingin ako sa wall clock ko sa kwarto at napansing halos dalawang oras na lang ay tanghalian na.

"May problema ba? Kanina ka pa tahimik."

Napatingin ako kay Rael. Ayoko na sanang sabihin. Pwedi namang magpatuloy na lang kami sa ginagawa nang hindi niya nalalaman ang tungkol sa bagay na iyon pero hindi ba't dapat ganito naman talaga? Na sasabihin mo ang lahat sa boyfriend mo... That you should be open and always honest to each other so you could build a deeper and much stronger relationship. A small step to earn each other's trust.

"Naiinis lang ako kay Mommy..." I opened up. He listened seriously. I chuckled a bit to make everything light but he remained serious, waiting for more. Hinagilap niya ang mga pinapasagutan niya sa akin at itinabi na muna malapit sa kanya.

We were sitting on the carpeted floor of my room, in between us was the coffee table where our things are scattered.

"What happened?" He asked gently, his eyes searching for an answer. Napanguso ako at kalaunan ay napangiti na. Hindi ko kasi mapigilan. Seeing him like this, concerned and very eager to know the reason why I'm spacing out a while ago is making me feverish.

"She wants to introduce me to her friend's daughter... eh ayaw ko. Kaya nakakainis..." Paliwanag ko.

Rael's hazel eyes narrowed. Saglit siyang tahimik na nag-isip bago nagsalita. "Ipapakilala ka para...?"

Napabuntong-hininga ako. I don't know if he's just clueless or it is because he wasn't the jealous type. Hindi ko tuloy kung matutuwa ba ako o ano.

He must've noticed the growing irritation in me that's why he decided to add to his words. "Ibig kong sabihin, na kung ipapakilala ka lang naman at walang ibang motibo, siguro ayos lang naman. I mean, it's your decision to make. Kung ayos lang naman sa'yo at nag-aalala ka lang na baka hindi ko magustuhan, I can assure you now that it's alright to me."

Damn. Of course. He wasn't clueless. He's just not the jealous type. Malamang, Benj. Ikaw lang naman ang seloso rito. Your boyfriend is a very secure man. He knows he's a huge catch, you won't dare fumble him. Matalino. Gwapo. Tanga lang ang ipagpapalit siya.

"Sabi ni Mommy, crush daw ako." Hindi ko na dapat sinasabi sa kanya ang tungkol sa parteng ito ngayon pero hindi ko rin mapigilang subukin siya. Come on, Rael. Don't be shy. Hindi naman ako matuturn off. Baka nga mas mabaliw lang ako lalo sa'yo, e. Iyon lang ay kung may mas ibabaliw pa ako at hindi pa ito ang sukdulan.

"She must've seen your pictures." He answered as if it was only normal for other people to thirst on me. Instead of feeling fluttered, nairita lang ako lalo.

"Ayos lang sa'yo kahit na ipagtulukan ako ni Mommy sa babaeng may gusto sa akin?" Iritadong tanong ko sa kanya. He chuckled and moved to sit beside me. Hindi ko maintindihan kung paanong ayos lang sa kanya? Kung ako 'yon at nalaman kong may inirereto sa kanya si Tita Danna...

"May tiwala naman ako sa'yo." Pampalubag-loob niya sa akin na wala rin namang epekto. I gritted my teeth and looked away.

I swallowed hard as my thoughts poured to me like rainfall. I lifted my eyes on him, weak and upset at the same time.

"I don't understand, Rael. May tiwala rin naman ako sa'yo pero hindi ko matatanggap ang gano'n kung sakaling sayo mangyari. It will never be okay for me. I could never sit here and relax knowing that my boyfriend is getting introduced to someone who might steal him away from me."

Namilog ang mga mata niya. I glared at him. "You're so confident, huh? Because I was this crazy for you I will never dare look at someone else."

He chuckled lightly.

See? Tama nga ako.

He languidly licked his lips as his eyes shot me with a challenge. I shifted my weight. Napasandal ako sa paanan ng kama habang tinatanaw siya sa harapan ko.

"Bakit 'di mo ako tularan? You should be confident, too." Hamon niya. "Hmm? Kasi baliw na baliw din naman ako sa'yo... Parehas lang tayo."

Tang ina.

"Magkaiba tayo, Rael. Seloso ako, ikaw—"

"Hindi?" he probed boldly. It was as if he's gonna throw hands right now if I ever said yes. Hindi ako nakapagsalita. He smirked evilly as he leaned closer to me, invading my personal space. "Hindi mo lang alam..."

"But you can control your jealousy..."

"I'm trying. Dahil hindi 'yon maganda."

I swallowed hard. "Ang hirap, Rael. Hindi ko yata 'yon kaya..."

I thought he would be disappointed but it didn't came.

"It's okay..."

Napapikit ako nang pinatakan niya ako ng halik. It was only quick. It only stayed for a second or two. Napadilat ako. His face was still so close to me I could feel his hot breath hovering over me. I sighed and licked my lips as I watched him at this distance. I'm craving for more and my patience is growing thin but I want him to initiate our kisses. It was one of my fantasies. I want him to take the lead this time.

At hindi niya nga ako binigo. Muli niya akong pinatakan ng halik. I sighed as if relief finally washed over me. His hand cupped my jaw as his tongue teased the entrance of my mouth. I parted my lips and kissed him back. He kissed me wildly and I couldn't help but smirk in the middle of it all.

Hindi pa rin ako nasasanay. Kissing is not new to us anymore. Making out, too. Pero kapag ginagawa namin, katulad ngayon, hindi ko pa rin mapigilang huwag mamangha. I never thought that intimacy like this could give me so much comfort, it felt like air I couldn't live without.

"You don't really have to be jealous, but I also like you that way. You don't have to change anything about you, Benj. I like you exactly like that." he whispered hoarsely.

Dumilat ako at pinagmasdan siya. "Talaga?"

He nodded and resumed kissing me. "Yes."

Tang ina.

I pulled him closer to me like our distance is not enough. Nagpatianod naman siya pero hindi pa rin ako kuntento na ganon lang. Na magkatabi lang kami. It was so inconvenient. Pakiramdam ko hindi sapat na ganoon lang. At hindi yata ako matatahimik kung ganoon nga.

I slowly pulled away.

"Sampa ka," I said.

"Ha?"

I swallowed hard. I saw how his eyes went to my neck.

"Sit on my lap, Rael. So I could kiss you better." Ulit ko sa mas klarong mga salita. His gaze snapped towards me. Halatang nagulat siya sa sinabi ko. I pursed my lips. Was I too fast?

"Or the other way? Do you want me to sit—"

Bago pa ako matapos ay sumampa na siya sa akin. My eyes widened in shock. Akala ko... ayaw niya kaya nagulat ako. But then my shock slowly turned into something else. Something hot and urgent. Like a dark force trying to escape within me. Like a brewing storm. Like a sudden thirst I don't know how to quench yet.

I kissed him deeply. My tongue searching the corners of his mouth. His arms snaked around my nape as he kissed me back with the same intensity. My hands on his back moved to hold his waist in place. He whimpered when my kisses traveled down to his jaw and neck.

I cursed in my mind when I felt how hard I was right now. Hindi pa nakakatulong ang mas lalong pagdiin niya ng sarili sa akin. He crouched and chased my lips, as if the moments that I left him to kiss his neck was frustrating him.

Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa nang tumigil kami para huminga. I smirked when I noticed the redness of his lips. Damn. Ako may gawa niyan.

I let my thumb graze on the bottom of his lips. He let out a sigh as he watched me. Still dazed because of our hot making out. I smiled solemnly as I realized something. My heart tugged louder than usual when I realized it more as the silent moment passed by.

"Rael... I think, I'm in love with you..."

His eyes widened. Napasinghap siya at mas pinakatitigan pa ako lalo. I frowned at him. Bakit pa siya nagugulat?

"Mahal kita..." Ulit ko sa mas sigurado at malinaw na paraan. His lips slowly parted as I continued pouring my feelings out. "At mamahalin pa kita lalo bawat araw na magdadaan... Palagi... Pangako."

Sinubukan niyang magsalita pero mukhang masyado siyang nagulat sa mga sinabi ko. I chuckled as I put my index finger across his lips to hush him down.

"You don't need to say it back now, love. We have a lot of time ahead of us... There's no need to rush, alright?"

Siguro, totoo nga. Na bumibilis ang panahon kapag masaya ka. Kasi ganoon ang nangyari sa akin. From pestering him on his first day as my tutor, like a flip on the next page of the book, I  just found myself holding a box of cake inside my car, surprising him for our first monthsary as a couple.

"Happy 1st monthsary, love!" I chuckled as I showed him the round chocolate cake that I made so early in the morning. Kaunti lang iyon dahil kaming dalawa lang naman ang kakain. We were now headed to the resort where I booked a reservation weeks ago. Saktong Sabado ngayon at walang pasok. Kahit bukas na kami umuwi kung gusto niya.

Ngumisi si Rael at pinisil ang pisngi ko. "Happy first monthsary too!"

"Let's light the candle so we could make a wish..." Naglabas ako ng lighter at mabilis na nagsindi. Pagkatapos ay itinapat ko iyon sa aming dalawa. Natawa ako nang kaagad siyang pumikit habang magkadaop ang magkabilang palad. He looked so cute and handsome.

"Come on, Benj. Stop staring and just make a wish!" Mukhang naramdaman niya na nakatitig nalang ako sa kanya sa halip na pumikit na rin kagaya niya. Natawa ako lalo pero sa huli ay kaagad rin siyang sinunod.

I closed my eyes and remembered my wish every time I tried to talk to God. Mula nang makilala ko siya ay iyon na palagi ang hiling ko sa langit.

I want him to always be happy...

Sabay naming hinipan ang kandila pagkatapos.

"What did you wish for?" Kuryosong tanong ko habang bumibiyahe na kami. Abala na siya ngayon sa paglantak sa kalahati no'ng cake na para bang minsan lang siya makakain no'n.

Akala mo hindi palagi gumagawa niyan si Tita Danna, ah?

"Secret!"

Napasimangot ako. Tumawa siya at inilapit sa bibig ko ang kutsarang puno ng cake. Sobrang laki niyon na halos magkalat sa bibig ko nang sandaling tinanggap ko mula sa pagsubo niya. He laughed at the mess he made on me.

Pinagtitripan talaga ako lagi ng lalaking ito.

"Bakit ko sasabihin? Baka hindi matupad!"

I rolled my eyes but somehow, I don't want to push him anymore. Kasi what if hindi nga matupad?

"Ginawan pala kita ng sushi. Nasa bag sa likod. Diba mahilig ka do'n?"

My smile returned immediately. "Talaga?"

"Yep..." he answered like it was nothing. "Dala mo ba 'yong sinasabi mong scrapbook? I want to see it."

"Oo..."

"Patingin ako mamaya."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Basta ibabalik mo ha? Akin 'yon..."

He only wrinkled his nose at me. Suminghap ako at nagpatuloy sa pagmamaneho. I then glanced at him when I remembered something horrific.

"At huwag kang maglilikot doon—"

"Ano ako bata?" Agad na sabat niya, hindi pa nga ako tapos.

"Be careful of what you will eat there. Huwag na huwag kang kakain ng lobster dahil allergic ka pala." Bilin ko pa rin kahit sigurado akong babantayan ko naman siya ng maigi.

Tipid siyang tumango samantalang napahilot naman ako sa sentido.

"Mag isda at gulay ka lang!" dagdag ko pa. Hindi kumbinsido sa patango-tango niya.

Two weeks ago, I discovered that he has an allergy.  Nasa bayan kami no'n para mamasyal. I brought him to a fancy seafood restaurant after. Ako pa ang pumili ng mga pagkaing inorder namin dahil iyon ang gusto niya. Isa na do'n ang lobster na hindi niya sinabi sa akin na bawal pala sa kanya.

Mabuti na lang talaga at pinilit ko siyang magpatingin sa ospital nang mapansin ang mabilis na pagtubo ng mga pantal sa katawan niya pagkatapos naming kumain.

Iyon ang una naming pinag-awayan. I was so mad at him for not telling me about it. Samantalang relax na relax lang siya. He keeps on telling me na hindi naman daw malala ang allergy niya na siyang kabaliktaran sa sinabi sa akin ng doktor.

Ayoko sanang sa resort kami magcelebrate ng unang monthsary namin dahil sa pangyayaring iyon kaso mapilit siya at ako namang si asong patay na patay, ibibigay lahat ng gusto niya. Gusto niya raw kasing magsurfing at magjet ski. Ni hindi ko alam na marunong pala siya no'n.

But well, if he doesn't know how... nandito naman ako para turuan siya.

"Ano ba 'yan Benj! Akala ko ba magaling ka?" He teased me after I fell down from the board after trying to balance myself on the waves for the nth time now. Iritado kong hinampas ang alon pero natatawa rin. I swam towards him.

Kanina pa siya nagpapasikat kung gaano siya kagaling magsurfing samantalang kanina pa naman din akong paulit-ulit na nahuhulog sa tubig. Pakiramdam ko nga ay bugbog-sarado na ang katawan ko.

"Akala ko ba sporty ka?" Pang-aasar niya pa.

"Ang lalaki kasi ng mga alon, Rael—" Sinubukan kong magpaliwanag pero hindi niya ako pinatapos. It was as if he was very eager to roast the hell out of me.

"Paano ka makakapagsurfing kung low tide?" He countered. Oo nga naman. May point nga naman siya. Ako talaga hindi nag-iisip. Parang tanga lang. "Kung low tide, e, di sana namumulot tayo ng shells ngayon at hindi nagsusurfing!"

Napahalakhak ako sa sagot niya. He laughed, too. Lumapit ako para mayakap siya. He let me. And then he pulled me underwater. At bago pa tuluyang rumehistro sa akin ang lahat ay hinila na niya ako para sa isang matamis na halik.

Looking back now, I realized we were so happy.

That's why I don't understand...

How the words I dreaded so much...

The words I prayed to never came out of his lips...

Still shot me like bullets.

"Let's break up, Ferrera."