jisung was sitting on his couch, his eyes focused on the tv displaying a nct dream music video. it was the latest song that had been released a few days ago, and jisung had been completely obsessed with it, making him spend days watching the mv without ever getting bored.

it had been one year since the last time jisung had had an interaction with nct.

a whole year in which jisung had isolated himself and stayed on his own, far from everything.

the former mafia leader had disappeared from everyone's lives, as promised.

no one had heard of him, or death park ever since.

it was as if they had never existed.

jisung had moved in one of the many fancy houses his parents had illegally bought when they were still alive. it was a small mansion in the middle of a forest, far from everything, and where no one dared to show up.

no one actually knew the location of this house; not even his godfather with whom he was still in contact, but rarely.

jisung was all alone, but he felt like it was better that way.

during this whole year of being on his own, jisung had realised how badly he missed his past life. having the other nct members around him was luxury, and now that it wasn't the case anymore, jisung was aware of how mucky he was before, and how bad he had fucked up by leaving them.

despite his cold heart, jisung had found himself crying to sleep quite a few times because of how much he hated being far from his members. but these times were nothing compared to the number of times he cried because of chenle.

zhong chenle...

that chinese boy that had completely flipped jisung's world upside down.

it had been one year since jisung had been able to see him and to touch him, and jisung absolutely couldn't say that he was doing great without him.

he was so miserable, and the worst part of it was that he was fully aware of it.

jisung spent most of his days watching nct mvs or reality shows to feel closer to his members. even with jisung leaving the group and sm entertainment dissolving, nct had signed under another agency and made even more shows and music videos; and this gave more content for jisung to watch – even if he had already watched it all.

he loved seeing his members laughing together; it made him recall the good times he used to live when he was still with them.

and jisung would also watch chenle content, either video compilations of his cute moments or just pictures taken from mvs or interviews on which the older boy looked absolutely gorgeous.

running away from nct, jisung imagined that his feelings for the chinese male would die down slowly until they weren't existing anymore. however, it wasn't the case.

in fact, it was as if they had gotten even stronger, as if some invisible force attracted jisung towards chenle.

jisung truly wondered if chenle still felt the same about him. he wondered if chenle's feelings had changed, grown bigger or disappeared... or even if he had found himself someone else to be with... these thoughts were enough to make jisung cry again. the sole thought of someone else hanging around his chenle made him mad. but not mad at this imaginary other person chenle would fall for. it made him mad at himself.

chenle had been right.

jisung could have left dark danger using chenle as a bait. he would still have the live he had. being at the head of a mafia, being nct's maknae, and getting closer to becoming chenle's boyfriend.

but he couldn't do nothing about it. not when chenle's life was at stake.

he had had to act to save the boy he loved. and he had thought that decision a lot, a year ago.

he'd rather know chenle safe and disappear than keep living his double life with chenle dead.

he wouldn't forgive himself if anything came to happen to the sweet chinese boy.

although nobody knew the location of his mansion, jisung was startled in his depressing thoughts by his doorbell, which necessarily meant that someone was at the door.

he frowned, standing up slowly and walking towards the front door, not forgetting to grab a gun when he passed by the cabinet in the hallway.

the boy made sure the gun was loaded before hiding it behind his back and placing his hand on the handle. taking a deep breath, jisung pulled the door open, getting ready to pull out his gun if necessary.

however, it seemed like he wouldn't need it.

"h-how did you find me, hyung?"

in front of him stood taeyong, the boy that used to be his leader.

he was dressed casually as if he was paying a visit to an old friend unannounced.

it was weird for jisung to have lee taeyong standing in front of him after all that time. for the past year, jisung had only seen him through a screen, and being face to face with him right now seemed unbelievable, as if he was a fanboy seeing his bias for the first time.

"i see you're still taking precautions." taeyong raised his slitted brow, staring at jisung's hand.

the younger looked down, realising that he had let his arm down in his shock state, making the gun visible to taeyong.

"hyung, how did you know i was there?" jisung asked again, ignoring taeyong's remark.

"aren't you going to invite me in?" taeyong questioned. "your mansion looks amazing."

"how did you know i was there?" jisung repeated his question, now raising the gun and pointing it at taeyong's face. he didn't really intend to shoot, but he really needed to know how taeyong had found him. for all jisung could know, other people could find him too, and that would be the end of his peaceful life.

taeyong sighed, looking at the gun that was centimetres away from his face, and then everything happened so fast.

nct's leader gripped jisung's wrist with force and used his other hand to twist the weapon jisung was holding, making him let go and allowing taeyong to take it instead, and point it at jisung's head.

this had jisung standing in front of taeyong with his eyes wide as he rubbed his sore wrist.

"h-how...?"

taeyong sighed, lowering the gun. "you thought you were the only one double-dealing?"

seeing jisung's confused frown, taeyong lifted his shirt and used his free hand to lower his trousers and boxers a bit to reveal a red diamond tattooed on his hip.

"w-wait! you're a member of... of blood ruby?!" jisung gasped, inspecting the tattoo carefully.

"yes i am." taeyong replied, pulling his clothes up again. "so, can i come in now because if someone sees both of us here, we're both dead."

jisung nodded, immediately stepping aside to let taeyong come in before he closed and locked the front door.

"where do i put this?" taeyong asked, showing the gun. jisung noticed how he held the gun towards the ground, without placing his finger on the trigger. this meant that he had learnt how to use and handle a gun, which was a very important thing to learn when being in a gang.

"just on the cabinet." jisung pointed at the piece of furniture that was beside them as taeyong placed the weapon there.

"so, i have tons of questions for you, hyung. but first, i want to know how you found me." jisung asked, signalling taeyong to follow him to the kitchen aera.

"well, it involved blood ruby taking over death park's clients, a bit of torture to have more information about each member of death park, then me going to one of you uncle's hooker bars and stealing his phone, and then hiring a hacker to get your number and localise your phone which took ages because of the numerous encrypted information that had been programmed." taeyong explained. "so yeah, took me a whole year."

"so heesun didn't actually forget his phone at the bar..." jisung sighed, recalling the day his godfather had called him with a new number, claiming that he had lost his phone.

"oh, he had forgotten it. i just happened to take it before he came back." taeyong shrugged.

"how many people know where i am?" jisung continued his questioning, pulling two glasses from the cabinets and filling them with water.

"i'm the only one." taeyong stated.

"but didn't you say- "

"blood ruby wanted to take over your clients. and i used some of the information we collected for my personal activities. i hired a private hacker to track you, but i ended up killing him because i didn't want him to sell the information to anyone else, and damn, do you know how expensive hackers are?!"taeyong continued speaking casually.

"speaking of blood ruby..." jisung handed taeyong his glass of water. "how long have you been in the mafia?"

"a bit more than 10 years." taeyong replied, taking a sip of water. "i joined in 2011, two years before being accepted into sm entertainment."

"so, you've been in a mafia all your career... and you managed both..." jisung let out, realising that he wasn't the only one in this shitty situation.

somehow, learning this information made him think deeper and realise that he had done a very poor job.

taeyong had had to deal with the same things as him, and he also had to watch over a group of boys which kept gaining members. and it seemed like he had done his job perfectly.

jisung – and any other member – hadn't even realised that their leader was living a double life. taeyong always seemed to be hiding his secret perfectly...

but jisung hadn't been able to do so, which is why he was here on his own now.

"okay, i can hear you overthinking." taeyong rolled his eyes. "don't compare our situations, it's absolutely not the same."

"of course, it is!" jisung replied. "we've both had to balance between mafia life and idol life. but i did a very poor job, and you did it wonderfully."

"i don't agree. you had to balance between idol life and being a mafia leader, which is a bit different than being just a mafia member." taeyong pointed out.

jisung's eyes rolled to the back of his head. "you are nct's leader. and this is hard too. so, it's the same."

"sorry to break it to you, jisung, but having to make sure everyone is in the car or asking donghyuck to eat his vegetables is far from being as hard as asking someone to kill a suspect or whatever." taeyong snorted.

"yeah, not false..." jisung shrugged. "let's go sit in the living room." he added, signalling taeyong to follow him.

both boys stayed silent during their journey towards jisung's living room.

however, as soon as they entered the room, a smile appeared on taeyong's face when he caught a glimpse of the mv playing on tv.

"i see you're up to date with nct's schedule." taeyong pointed out, looking at the tv.

"you guys still are an important part of my life." jisung shrugged, plopping on the sofa.

"the dreamies really did amazing with that comeback." taeyong stated, his eyes on the screen.

"yeah. the song is so good, and the mv is incredible."

"i find the formations a bit messy though. i don't really like it when groups have even number of members..." taeyong raised a brow, looking towards jisung who seemed to be mesmerized by the mv.

"why are you saying that? they killed it." jisung snorted.

"yeah, and they would have killed it even better if you were dancing with them." taeyong told, making jisung's head turn immediately.

jisung blinked a few times, staring at his leader in the eye as the older boy sat down on another sofa.

"don't say stupid things. it's better that way." jisung mumbled, taking the remote control and pressing the 'pause' button. coincidentally, it stopped on a close-up image of chenle.

he was looking right through the camera, his beautiful eyes being marked by a thick eye-liner line, and his forehead hidden by his curly hair that had been dyed white for the comeback. jisung could see a small clear diamond resting on one of chenle's nostrils, sign that he had had his nose pierced.

"he looks good, huh?" taeyong asked, seeing the way jisung was staring at the screen so intensely.

"so pretty... white hair suits him so good... and that nose piercing just looks divine on him..." jisung let out dreamily, not even realising he was saying it out loud.

"then how about you come and tell him yourself?"

this sentence woke jisung up from his trance, making him look up at taeyong who had a sad smile on his face.

"is that why you're here?" jisung frowned. "to convince me to come back?"

"ideally." taeyong nodded. "but i won't force you."

"the others wouldn't want to have anything to do with me." jisung stated, thinking about all the lies he had told them.

"they miss you, jisung. that's why i'm here." taeyong replied.

jisung sighed loudly. "how can they miss someone who deceived them."

"a small lie doesn't ruin a family jisung."

"lying on who i really am isn't just a small lie." jisung retorted.

"it is for them." taeyong assured. "none of them care about the fact you are a mafia leader, which you are not anymore. they only admire you for your bravery and hardship. and they miss their maknae."

jisugn stayed silent for a few seconds, thinking about everything taeyong was telling him.

his members missed him?

they didn't care about all the mafia shit?

they weren't hurt by jisung's lies?

"a-and chenle...?" jisung asked, his voice trembling as he asked about the boy he cared so much about. this was the thing that held the more importance for him at that point.

if chenle didn't want him back, he would stay far away from them.

if chenle wanted him back, then maybe he would consider coming back.

"what about chenle?" taeyong asked.

"what does he think?"

"well..." taeyong took a few seconds to recall life at the dorms. "he doesn't speak much. he tries hard to feint happiness and giddiness in front of the cameras, but at the dorm, he's quite depressed, day and night. he's rooming with sicheng now, and he often ends up crying in his bed in the middle of the night. but when he sleeps steadily, he calls for you in his dreams. other than that, he hasn't been very active. it's as if you leaving pulled all the life away from him..."

"i-is he... is he okay, physically?" jisung questioned, scared of the answer.

"he hasn't tried harming himself. i check often. but he lost quite some weight. and all his crying gives him a very pale and hollow face."

jisung gulped, trying to contain his tears.

this was all his fault.

chenle was slowly losing his life because of him and his reckless actions.

jisung wanted to keep the boy safe, but by running away, he had only made things worse.

but the fact is, he wasn't sure if going back there would help chenle.

what if chenle didn't want him anymore?

what if he had someone else?

what if he hated jisung?

what if he didn't want to have anything else to do with the younger?

then jisung would be devastated, and chenle wouldn't be less broken.

"jisung, calm down." taeyong stood up from the sofa and headed towards jisung. "you're panicking."

"h-hyung... i am hurting chenle..."

"you sure are, but you could solve it." taeyong placed a comforting hand on the boy's shoulder.

"h-how?"

"by coming with me back to the dorms." taeyong smiled sincerely.

"b-but the others... they will hate me and- "

"jisung." taeyong spoke sternly. "we're a family. and you're part of it. nct isn't the same when you're not in it."

jisung gulped, nodding slowly as tears rolled down his cheeks.

"now i assure you that the members miss you and that they want you back as much as i do." taeyong wiped jisung's tears with his thumb. "as for chenle, you and him both need each other, i can see it."

jisung nodded again, feeling his heart beating so fast in his chest.

after a whole year, he was seeing his leader again.

after a whole year, he was having a serious conversation about nct.

after a whole year, he was about to see his members again.

after a whole year, he was going to have his chenle back...

"so... will you come with me back to the dorms?" taeyong asked.

"yes, hyung." jisung nodded. "i'm coming back to the dorms."