Chapter 40

I took a deep breath before entering the upscale coffee shop where Gwen and I had planned to meet. My attention was pulled to the elegant woman wearing a classic designer dress with complementing accessories.

"Hi," bati ko nang makalapit sa pwesto niya.

She looked up at me and smiled. She gestured for me to sit, which I did. Dinaluhan agad kami ng isang server para kunin ang orders namin.

"Your dress is nice," she commented before I could even ask how she'd been.

I smiled. "DB."

Tumango-tango siya. Natahimik kami parehas hanggang sa dumating ang order namin. I suddenly remembered how much I hated her before. Kung paanong harap-harapan niyang ibinabalandra ang panglalandi kay Calix kahit na alam niyang naroon ako.

But then, she did something for him when I couldn't.

"Fire your questions. May photoshoot pa 'ko," suplada niyang saad.

I nodded. Binitawan ko ang tasa at tiningnan siya. I practiced a lot before going here. Kahit noong nasa Seattle pa ako ay iniisip ko na ang pagkakasunod-sunod ng mga tanong ko sa kanya. Mabuti nga at pumayag siyang makipagkita sa akin.

I took a deep breath and asked, "Why did you visit that island, Gwen?"

Walang dumaang gulat sa mukha niya. It was as if she expected that.

"Because I like Calix," tugon niya. "I want to try my luck while you're not together."

Huminga ako nang malalim at pilit na sinabi sa sarili na nakatulong kay Calix ang pagpunta niya.

"Ano'ng..."—I looked away—"naabutan mo pagdating mo ro'n?"

Natahimik din siya, siguro ay inaalala ang nangyari noon.

"Calix beating the shit out of Cielo Amore's men," she muttered. "It's my first time seeing him that mad. He looks like he can kill all of them. He has bruises and wounds, too. I asked him what was happening, but he didn't answer."

Pinigilan ko ang sarili na magtanong ulit dahil alam kong may gusto pa siyang sabihin.

"Akala ko trip niya lang. I didn't understand why he had to punch all those men. I judged him instantly," she paused. "But I was puzzled when I heard Cielo Amore order them to bring Calix to her room... I mean, what would Calix do in that whore's bedroom?"

I closed my eyes and stopped myself from imagining that certain thing.

"I asked Rod, and I was so mad that he didn't give a fuck at all! Binayaran siya ni Cielo para manahimik kaya nag-offer ako ng mas malaking pera para magsalita siya. Noong nalaman ko kung ano ang mga ginagawa nila kay Calix, I'm sure you know what I did."

Tumango ako. She was with her bodyguards. Siguradong nagpatawag agad siya ng tulong.

"But you know what angers me most?"

Napatingin ako sa kanya. She was smirking, looking at me like I had committed a crime.

"Ako ang nag-asikaso ng case ni Calix. Ako ang nagligtas sa kanya. Ako ang nandoon noong mga panahong kailangan niya ng tulong." She rolled her eyes. "But after thanking me, he told me not to tell you because he didn't want to see you crying." She shook her head in disbelief. "That insensitive asshole."

"Do you still... like him?"

Nanlalaki ang matang tumingin siya sa akin. "What? No!" halos sigaw niya na. "I'm desperate, but not that desperate!"

Umayos siya ng upo at nakangising tinitigan ako. I raised an eyebrow and gave her a perplexed look.

"What?"

She narrowed her eyes on me. "Kayo ulit?"

I had no idea why that question made my cheeks heat up.

"Kasi kung hindi, hindi mo naman ako para kausapin. Ano namang pakialam mo sa nangyari sa ex mo, 'di ba?" She chuckled. "Calix will never give you the details of what happened... so you're here... asking me."

Hindi ko pinansin ang panunudyo niya. Uminom muna ako para hindi ko masyadong mapag-pokusan ang pang-aasar niya.

"I'm planning to visit Cielo," saad ko na nagpatigil sa kanya. "Saan siya nakakulong, Gwen?"

"Bakit pa, Vina?"

My heart raced at the anger building inside me. I had this all planned before I returned. Ang pagkita kay Gwen at pagbisita sa babaeng bumaboy kay Calix.

"Isang sampal lang... isa lang," pigil ang galit na tugon ko.

Nakaiintindi siyang tumango. Imbes na sabihin sa akin ang lugar ay tumayo siya at kinuha ang bag niya. Nagtataka akong tumingin sa kanya pero inirapan niya lang ako.

"Let's go!" masungit na saad niya pa.

"Akala ko ba ay may photoshoot ka?"

She exhaled. "I'd give up everything just to see you lose your class."

Dinadaga ang dibdib ko habang papunta kami sa kulungan. Gwen pulled some strings for us to visit Cielo skin to skin. Kadalasan kasi ng visitations ay may nakaharang na salamin sa dalawang nag-uusap pero gumawa ng paraan ang babae para makausap ko nang harapan si Cielo.

Nang makarating kami ay tumayo lang si Gwen sa gilid ng silid kung saan ko kikitain ang babae. I was shaking in rage. Few minutes passed before the door finally opened.

Two police officers, along with a middle-aged woman, entered. Cielo Amore was more of a maiden than an old lady with European features. Even if she was wearing a prison shirt, she appeared to be doing better than I expected. She didn't look like a rapist, giving me answers as to why many people didn't believe Calix.

Right at that moment, I saw nothing but red. Hindi pa siya nakakailang hakbang palayo sa pintuan ay lumapit na ako at binigyan siya ng isang malakas na sampal.

Gwen let out a gasp when she heard the slap. Hindi ako pinagalitan ng dalawang officers dahil sila ang nakausap ni Gwen kanina. I was shivering with rage, as if the long-buried Vina had resurfaced.

The side of Cielo Amore's lips bled. It triggered me more when I realized that Calix had endured far more because of her. My Calix's face bled, too. My Calix's face was slapped by this whore, too.

Lord, I'm so so sorry. Please, let me be angry just this once. Let me curse and hurt someone... please... just this once.

I clenched my fist to stop myself from slapping her again. My breathing was uneven, indicating how much wrath I kept within.

As I approached her, she stared intently at me. Her face was void of any emotion. Dahil malaki ang tangkad ko sa kanya ay nakatingala siya sa akin.

Ngumisi siya. "Are you Vina? Calix's girlfriend?"

I took a deep breath and gave her a sarcastic smile, too. Kung kaya niyang kumalma kahit na may dugo na sa gilid ng labi niya, kaya ko rin iyon. I knew that this entire thing was unnecessary, but I wanted to release all the hatred I kept for years.

"Why? Pangalan ko ba ang sinasabi niya habang ginagawa mo 'yon sa kanya?" I asked mockingly. "Is your fucking vagina that lonely?" I laughed.

Her face remained stoic. "The ground point is that I tasted your boyfriend."

I didn't flinch. "One taste and see what it costs you. You lost your freaking disgusting life. You lost your precious little luxuries. You lost everything."

"Then why the hell are you still bothering me, Vina?" tawa niya rin.

I swallowed hard to stop the building of rage inside me.

"Because I wanted to see how you look," I replied immediately. "And I expected more... I'm really disappointed." Umiling pa ako. "And don't bother begging for parole because as long as I live, I'll make sure you and your itching vagina wither here and rot."

Sumunod agad si Gwen sa paglabas ko. Tawa siya nang tawa sa likuran ko kahit nanggagalaiti ako sa galit.

"Oh, my god! Do you have a script?!" she laughed. "The slap could win you an Oscar!"

Hanggang makalabas kami ng presinto ay tumatawa siya. Her bodyguards approached us, but before she could go inside her car, I called her.

"What?" Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay.

I sighed and looked directly at her eyes. This woman helped Calix before... tapos ngayon, ako ang tinulungan niya. Huminga ako nang malalim para pigilan ang galit ko para kay Cielo. I had to say this to Gwen. This was the least I could do.

"Thank you."

Umirap siya. "I didn't do that for you! I did that for Calix because I liked him!" Tatalikuran na sana niya ako pero parang may naalala siya. "And I'm married."

Napanganga ako sa sinabi niya.

"It's a secret... so don't bother asking. Bye!"

Hindi ko pa napoproseso ang lahat ng nangyari ay nakaalis na agad siya sa harapan ko. I didn't know how I managed to get back to the hotel after everything that happened. I settled a discussion with Gwen... and slapped Cielo. That was... tiring but fulfilling at the same time.

But that night, I found myself crying because of anger... because of apologies Calix didn't even hear. Looking at the glass window with the night sky and city lights as my company, I prayed.

I prayed for forgiveness because of my harsh words. I prayed for gratitude because He allowed justice to be served. I prayed for Calix's comfort because he deserved it.

I looked at the sky and fell in love with the night again.

I realized that three of the most important lessons I learned in life are that it's okay to walk away from a situation that's too difficult to withstand, it's okay to let go of things we love and cherish, especially if they no longer bring us joy and above all, it's okay to prioritize yourself and take time for yourself.

We must protect our peace the same way we would protect others.

With all those thoughts racing through my head, I could only think of one person with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life learning, growing, and loving.

"Oh, my god! Rovina Desamero!" pagpasok ko palang sa event hall ay sumalubong na sa akin ang malakas na malakas na tili ni Anne.

Kita ko kung paanong bumaling sa akin ang mga tao. I wore a short gold dress that hugged my curves and accented them. I let my long black hair down, trailing my movements.

"Vina!" gulat na bati rin sa akin ng mga kaibigan ko sa BS Biology noon.

I smiled back at them. Akala mo ay bagong dating akong celebrity dahil lahat ng atensyon ay nasa akin. Mabuti na lang talaga at sinigurado kong plakado ang make-up ko ngayon kaya wala silang masasabi!

The reunion was held at a hotel near Isabela State University, the school where we used to study. Dito balak matulog ng mga kaibigan ko kaya nag-rent din ako ng isang room.

I sat down at the table with my friends, who stared at me in disbelief.

I chuckled. "Hi?"

Saka lang sila nakabawi. Nanguna si Anne sa paglapit sa akin. Ang inaasahan kong sabunot ay nauwi sa mahigpit na yakap at pag-iyak.

"Hayop ka!" parang batang iyak niya. "Wala ka manlang pasabi!"

I hugged her back. "Surprise nga, eh."

Pabiro niya akong hinampas. Kahit may program ay hindi nagpatalo sa ingay ang mga kaibigan ko lalo at pati si Mich ay umiyak. Nagkaroon pa kami ng group hug habang kinukurot at minumura nila ako.

Chin kissed my cheek and pulled a chair next to me. She rested her head on my shoulder and snaked her arms on my waist possessively.

"I miss you," bulong niya na ikinatawa ko.

Anne scoffed. "Akala mo jowa ampota."

Umirap lang si Chin. "Ako ang laging nagpapauwi sa kanya! Hindi na ako papayag na umalis 'to."

"Goodness, ang hirap din talagang maging maganda... pati babae, pinag-aagawan ako," tawa ko.

Kasabay ng asaran ay ang pagtingin ko sa paligid para hanapin si Calix. Maraming tao kaya posibleng hindi ko siya makita pero nadismaya ako nang mapansing kahit sa table nina Troy ay wala siya. The program went on and I made sure that my friends didn't notice my sudden lose of interest.

"Inulan ng replies ang comment mo sa post ni Calix. Nabasa mo?" nangingiting tanong ni Chin.

I pursed my lips before shaking my head. "Hindi ko na nabasa. Naging busy ako."

Tumango siya. "Kailan ka pa rito? Babalik ka pa sa Seattle?"

"Almost two weeks na," I chuckled after seeing her knotted forehead. "At one-way ticket lang ang binili ko."

Nawala ang kunot sa noo niya. She smiled sweetly and winked at Anne, who was looking at us.

"Bakit daw?" usisa niya.

"Dito na si Vina," sagot ni Chin.

Sisingit pa sana ako sa kanila nang tawagin ako ng ilang kaibigan sa ibang program. Kung hindi pangungumusta ay pagtatanong tungkol sa amin ni Calix ang mga sinasabi nila sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung paano nila nalaman 'yon, pero tumatanggi ako dahil tatlong buwan na rin kaming hindi nagkikita o nag-uusap ng lalaki. Nagpalipat-lipat ako ng mesa dahil sa mga kaklase at kaibigan. I didn't even realize that I had a lot of friends. I remembered some of them being my drinking buddies back then.

Tumagal ng dalawang oras ang programa at karamihan sa attendees ay umuwi na matapos ang kainan dahil may mga bata pa sila sa bahay. Taga-Isabela naman sila kaya kung maaabutan daw nila kami bukas dito ay bibisita ulit sila. Kakaunti na kaming natira, halos puro nasa engineering na lang, psychology, broadcasting, at tourism.

Napagtanto ko na wala talaga si Calix... hindi pala talaga siya pumunta. Why did I even assume that he would attend?

"Dito na lang tayo!" saad ni Troy. Nakapalibot silang lahat sa malaking mesa. Sa tantya ko ay mga nasa labinglima sila.

Napairap ako nang makita si Chin na papunta sana sa akin pero dahil sa tawag ng asawa ay hindi na ako pinansin. She sat beside him and motioned me to come over.

Nakasimangot akong umupo sa tapat nila. Sol, Troy's friend, was fast asleep. She was leaning on Duke's shoulder, her husband.

"Akyat na kami. Pagod na 'to," saad ni Duke.

Troy scoffed. "Gisingin mo. Kunwari pang inaantok 'yan, tinatamad lang uminom."

"Gago," tawa ni Duke. "Kanina pa nagrereklamong masakit ang paa."

Pinanood ko kung paanong binuhat ni Duke ang asawa sa likuran niya. Mukhang hindi talaga sila makikipag-inuman dahil nagpaalam na sila sa amin.

"Corny ni Duke. Under!" nakangising sabi ni Calvin.

Tumawa si Troy. "Dapat lang. Tibay niya naman kung hindi niya sasambahin si Sol."

I chuckled at the term used.

"Jusko, ako nga, kahit paa ni Chin, pinupugpog ko ng halik..." sabay baling sa asawa na nakasimangot na sa kanya. "Bawal nang magkamali. Quota na sa kagaguhan ko 'to."

Hindi ko na pinansin ang pagkukwentuhan nila. I didn't want to drink alcohol, so I got a pineapple juice that looked like beer.

"Vina, ikaw ba?" tanong ni Owa, isa sa mga kaibigan ni Calix.

Hindi ko narinig ang tanong niya kaya mula sa pagkakasandal ay inilapit ko ang katawan sa mesa.

"Hmm?"

"Kung gusto mo raw ba si Calix," singit ni Anne.

Nag-init ang pisngi ko nang sabay-sabay na nagngisian ang mga nasa mesa na parang iyon talaga ang tanong!

"Mga siraulo," tanging naitugon ko, may multo ng ngiti sa labi.

"Hindi," tawa rin ni Owa. "Two beds ba ang room mo?"

My lips parted. "Bakit?"

He grinned. "Baka may humabol dito, eh. Wala nang bakanteng room."

Bago pa ako makaimik ay nagsalita na si Troy.

"Itinext ko. Tingnan natin kung susunod. Busy raw siya, eh."

Nagsimula ulit silang mang-asar kaya bumalik ako sa pagkakasandal para hindi sila marinig. Kung pupunta si Calix at magkikita kami... ano ang sasabihin ko? Mahal ko pa rin siya? Magbalikan na lang kami? Hindi ko alam. Baka inis pa siya sa akin dahil sa sinabi ko noong huli kaming nagkita.

I settled everything. Ang galit ko kay Cielo Amore, ang long overdue na pag-uusap namin ni Gwen, at ang pananatili ko rito. I was ready to love him again. Kami naman talaga dapat, eh. Wala naman kaming kasalanan.

With the passing of time, my heart began to race even faster. My mind went blank amidst the din of the crowd when I noticed a towering and commanding man dressed in a black fitted shirt, faded and ragged pants, a low and loose bun, and an aviator hanging from his shirt entering the hall.

"Ayan na si Calix!" sigaw ng isa na hindi ko na nabosesan.

Nakatitig lang ako sa papalapit na lalaki, kumakabog ang dibdib at nanlalamig ang mga kamay.

He cast a glance my way, but before I could smile and greet him, he withdrew his gaze.

My heart ached at that. Nag-iwas na lang din ako ng tingin sa kanya. Hindi ko sigurado kung ramdam ng iba ang tensyon sa amin dahil napansin ko ang biglang pananahimik nila.

Troy cleared his throat and laughed. "Upo na!"

He sat next to Calvin. I just lowered my gaze and played with my hands. Bigla ay sumikip ang malaking lugar para sa akin. He was obviously annoyed... I was stumped. How would I carry out my plan now that he seemed upset?

Thankfully, nawala ang pang-aasar nila. Siguro ay napansin ang irita sa mukha ni Calix. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Inis ba siya dahil nandito ako? Pwede naman siyang hindi pumunta. Tutal nasabi naman ni Troy na busy siya.

"Sira ba ang plano?" biglang tanong ni Calvin sa kanya.

Nakita ko ang pabirong pag-irap niya sa kaibigan bago nagtamang muli ang tingin namin. I didn't hold his gaze. Ako na ang naunang mag-iwas dahil sa pagkabahala.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras silang nag-inuman pero nang magyaya si Chin na umakyat na ay sumama na ako sa kanya. I felt nothing but awkwardness and shame. Ang assuming ko pala sa part na inakala kong lalapit ulit siya sa akin gaya ng lagi niyang ginagawa dati.

"Bakit hindi mo kinausap?" tanong ni Chin habang nasa elevator kami.

"Hindi mo ba napansin? Halatang galit naman, eh."

"Sus... ngayon pa kayo nagkahiyaan."

I smiled, but I was too tired to respond. Sana nga ay nagkakahiyaan lang kami. Pakiramdam ko ay may inis pa rin si Calix sa mga sinabi ko sa kanya... at hindi ko siya masisisi dahil may mali rin naman talaga ako. Noong nasa Seattle kami, palagi kong ipinararamdam sa kanya na malayo ako. Siguro ay napagod na rin siya at nagsawa.

I sighed. Bahala na. May bukas pa naman. Hindi ko naman siya susukuan na lang nang ganoon. I planned everything. Hindi na ako mag-ba-backout.

Nagbihis ako ng pantulog pero dahil sa dami ng iniisip ay natagpuan ko ang sarili na nakatingin na naman sa madilim na langit. Nothing seemed to have changed. Even now, the night has the power to hide my emotions.

I was engrossed in my thoughts when I heard faint knocks at the door.

"Sino 'yan?" tanong ko.

"It's me."

My heart immediately hammered when I recognized Calix's voice. Siguro ay may dalawang oras na mula nang umakyat ako. What was he doing here?

Dahil maayos naman ang itsura ko ay pinagbuksan ko siya ng pinto. Nakayuko siya at nakatuon ang isang kamay sa pader nang maabutan ko. Parang tinatamad siyang nag-angat ng tingin sa akin, umawang ang labi at tinanggal ang kamay sa pader para isarado ang distansya namin.

"Bakit galit ka na naman?" mababa ang boses na tanong niya.

"Lasing ka ba?"

He shook his head. Walang paalam siyang pumasok sa loob ng hotel room ko kaya halos matulala ako sa kanya. Isinarado ko agad ang pinto lalo at naupo siya sa kama ko.

"Calix!" saway ko.

Lumapit ako sa kanya at balak nang higitin siya patayo para makapag-usap kami pero nang mapansing komportable siya sa pagkakaupo ay tumayo na lang ako sa tapat niya.

"Why are you ignoring me?" he asked, his voice slurred.

Ikinalma ko ang sarili bago sumagot sa kanya. "Hindi kita iniiwasan."

He shook his head. "Hindi mo manlang sinabi sa akin na dalawang linggo ka na rito."

"Wala akong pinagsabihan, Calix."

Bigla siyang tumayo, dahilan para manlaki ang mga mata ko. He towered over me, and I swear, I could hear my own heartbeat! Parang inaantok ang mata niyang nakatingin sa akin. His gaze rested on my lips, and without saying anything, he grabbed my nape for a passionate and intense kiss.

I closed my eyes along with him. I smelled rum and mint in his mouth as he delved into my lips. His palm brushed against my jaw, angling my face to kiss me more. I didn't give it a second thought and just wrapped my arms around his nape, tugging and kissing him even deeper.

He growled when he sensed my response to his sensual kisses. He softly pushed me back until I could feel the wall behind me.

"Calix," I whimpered as he nipped my lower lip.

He didn't even wait for me to catch my breath. His other hand rested on the wall beside me, and the other held my face.

I grabbed his long and thick hair as he carried me and placed my legs around his waist. He started kissing my neck, and all I could do was gasp for air.

"Shit..." he cursed.

"Calix," mahinang saway ko.

"I'm sorry..."

I could feel his growing manhood, and though we were still dressed, he pinned me to the wall and rubbed himself against me. Ni hindi ko namalayan na bukas na ang tatlong butones ng suot kong pajama at kita na ang itim kong bra.

"You're drunk," bulong ko habang patuloy siyang humahalik sa leeg ko.

"Not drunk enough to do all this," napapaos na tugon niya.

His hand was on my stomach, slowly traveling north to touch my breast. He unclasped my bra. I rested my head on his shoulder as he played with my nipples. Parang nawawalan ako ng lakas sa ginagawa niya.

"I love you," I whispered.

He stiffened.

"I love you," ulit ko. "I love you so much, Calix."

Bahagya siyang napalayo sa akin. Ibinaba niya ako at napansin ko kung gaano kagulo ang buhok niya mula sa pagkakahigit ko roon kanina. My chest felt naked, but I didn't bother covering myself up.

"Let's get married," sabi ko pa bago siya makapagsalita ulit.

This is exactly what I had in mind. We'd passed the dating stage. We'd learned a lot of valuable things, and I believed it was time for us to settle down.

I was expecting his full range of emotions. I imagined him smiling, jumping, or even dancing in delight... but when I looked at him, I realized I hadn't expected him to react this way.

A lone tear escaped his eye.

"What did you say?" mahina pero malalim ang boses na tanong niya.

I stood my ground. "Marry me, Calix."

Hindi makapaniwalang umiling siya. "Do you know what you're saying, Vina? Marriage entails a long-term commitment. If you marry me, that means I'll be your other half. That means you're going to spend the rest of your life with me."

Tumango ako. "I know, and I've come back to ask you to marry me."

Muling tumulo ang luha niya.

"Really?" napapaos na tanong niya. "You want to... marry me?"

Nang tumango ako ay hinigit niya ako para yakapin. His face rested on my neck. I could feel him crying and holding me firmly.

I was moved to tears by his cries. I bought him a ring, but I couldn't give it to him because we were so emotional.

"I'm planning to go back to Seattle tomorrow, Vina. I'm planning to court you all over again. I'm planning to beg... because I really can't imagine my life without you-"

I hushed him. "Shh... you don't have to plan anything because I'm already here for you, Calix."

"Of course, I'll marry you. My only dream is to marry you. I don't mind giving everything up just to marry you." Lumayo siya sa akin para halikan muli ang labi ko. "You have no idea how you made me so happy, Vina."

In Erik Erikson's Psychosocial Theory of Development, people in their twenties through early forties were concerned with intimacy and isolation. They reached the stage where they developed a sense of individuality and could share their lives with others.

And at 34, I can proudly say that I have found the one I am willing to spend my life with. And though people around me had a great deal of trouble making me feel like I was running out of time, I didn't mind waiting... as long as I could spend it with him.