Chapter 38

Time flies when you are in a place where you feel at ease.

January passed by on a beam. Patuloy pa rin si Calix sa ginagawang panunuyo sa akin. Hindi ko na nagiging isipin ang pagkain. Kung hindi niya kasi ako ipagluluto, ibinibili niya naman ako.

"Vina, can you help me with this?" tanong ni Laurice habang pinu-pump ang silver balloons. "Jonah will be late."

I nodded and sat next to her. Nag-half day ako ngayon sa trabaho para tumulong sa pag-aayos ng church dahil sa gaganaping couple's night bukas. It was celebrated every year in February. Si Calix ay tumutulong din ngayon, nagbubuhat at naglilipat ng instruments.

Couple's Night reinforces the idea of love for married couples. Our pastor would deliver a sermon regarding marriage, and the couples would participate in different activities.

Hindi ko nakakasama sa mga ganito si Yna dahil kasali sila ni Vonn sa program. Ngayon nga ay namimili na sila ng susuutin para bukas. Kahit may mga kinuhang organizers ay pumunta pa rin ang youth members at worship team para tumulong.

"The program will start at 8, right?" Laurice asked.

"Yeah." Itinali ko ang dulo ng lobo. "I'll just take a nap after work and then head here."

She chuckled. "You'll not join the program with Calix?"

Kinunotan ko siya. "We're not married."

"But tomorrow's lecture will be about love, courtship, and marriage." Inabot niya ang gunting at ginupit ang ribbon na itatali sa dulo ng mga lobo.

"Calix and I aren't dating..."

"Well, isn't he courting you?"

I just chuckled. Itinuloy ko ang pagpa-pump ng lobo para hindi komprontahin ang tanong niya.

We were almost done when Calix walked down the stairs carrying three huge boxes. Agad siyang dinaluhan ng isang youth pero tumawa lang siya at umiling sa binata. Dumaan ang tingin niya sa stage kung saan ako nakaupo at nakita ko ang pasimpleng pagngiti niya.

Pinanood ko kung paanong lumapit siya sa mga youth members at nakipagbiruan pa. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sinabi niya para sabay-sabay na humarap sa akin ang mga ito at kumaway.

I waved back but threw Calix a puzzled look. Hindi na nahiya sa mga bata!

Mga tatlong oras siguro kami nag-ayos bago kami ipinatawag ni Pastor para sa magiging flow ng program bukas. Umupo agad sa tabi ko si Calix at napansin ko ang pagtitinginan ng mga nakausap niya kanina.

"We'll greet the couples at eight, and then the word will be imparted for an hour," Pastor said. "The emcee will ask them a few entertaining questions, and everyone will have the opportunity to share their past experiences with their partners."

Nang makitang tumango kami ay nagpatuloy siya.

"We'll have a guest singer for the slow dance and a caterer for the meal."

Naramdaman ko ang pagpatong ng braso ni Calix sa inuupuan ko. Nag-init ang mukha ko nang makitang yumuko ang mga binata, nangingiti habang pinapanood kaming dalawa.

Mga batang 'to! Nag-a-announce si Pastor, pero kung saan-saan nakatingin!

"And again, Calix, thank you for financing our meals."

"No problem, Pastor."

Lumabi ako. Daming pera, ah?

Sabay pa rin kaming umuwi ni Calix matapos ang pag-de-design sa church. Kanina ko pa siya kinukulit kung anong kalokohan ang sinabi niya sa youth members dahil hindi naman lingid sa kaalaman ko ang nang-aasar na mga tingin nila.

"Wala akong sinabi," tanggi niya. "Baka nagagandahan lang sa 'yo."

Umirap ako. "As if."

Binuksan niya ang pinto ng apartment ko at ngumisi.

"Bakit? Hindi ba?"

Pumasok ako sa loob at inilagay ang gamit sa couch.

"Kakasuhan kita ng libel! Sinisira mo ang reputasyon ko." Pasalampak akong umupo at ipinahinga ang ulo sa sandalan. "Maghahanap pa ako ng isusuot. Formal daw ba?"

Tumawa siya. "Hindi ka nakikinig. Casual lang."

I exhaled loudly. "Umuwi ka na sa apartment mo. Maliligo at matutulog na ako."

Hindi siya nakinig sa akin. He sat beside me and looked at my lazy state with amusement painted on his face.

Napairap agad ako. "Pagod ang katawan ko para makarinig ng kalandian mo... so please, spare me."

"Ihahatid kita ulit bukas, ha?" nangingiting tanong niya. "Mabuti at wala na akong nakikitang ibang naghihintay sa 'yo sa labas ng ospital. Mang-aagaw ng hobby."

"Magkaibigan nga lang kami ni Liam!" Ipinikit ko ang mata nang maramdaman ang pagsandal niya sa couch.

"Eh, tayo?"

Pinigilan ko ang mapamulat. "Churchmates."

Tumawa siya. "Kiss mo nga kung churchmate."

"Calix, tigilan mo ang kalandian mo ngayon!" I grunted. Tumayo ako at sinamaan siya ng tingin. "Hindi naghahalikan ang churchmates!"

Tumayo siya at hinawakan ang mukha ko. He planted a kiss on my forehead and chuckled.

"Ano ba!" pag-iinarte ko.

"Sa susunod hindi na sa noo lang." Hinarap niya ako. "Dito naman." He pointed on my nose. "At dito." My cheeks. "At... dito." His eyes lowered on my lips.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin kahit nasa ilalim ng baba ko ang kamay niya.

"Bold of you to assume I'll let you!"

Hindi siya natinag. "You stopped picking your lips?"

I could sense the growing tension between us, but I still nodded. Inilagay niya ang hintuturo sa pang-ibabang labi ko. Nang ibalik ko ang tingin sa kanya ay tiim-bagang na siyang nakatitig sa labi ko.

"I can't believe I lasted so long without kissing you," mahinang mahinang aniya. "Just sit and wait until you say yes, Vina. I promised I'd put a mole on your lips in your next life..." Mas lumapit pa siya sa akin. "I'm still up for it."

Kung hindi ko pa siya itinaboy ay baka may kung anong kababalaghan ang nangyari. Ang landi landi niya! Tini-trigger niya ang kaladkaring version ng Vina na matagal ko nang ibinaon sa limot!

Sa dance studio ako naglagi para sa trabaho ko kinabukasan. May in-assist akong VIP at siya lang ang na-handle ko buong umaga. Nang hapon naman ay bumalik ako sa ospital para mag-rounds at i-check ang ilang inpatients.

Ang utak ko ay nasa program na agad mamaya sa church. Dahil Valentine's Day ay may date si Reign kasama ang fiance niya. Kahit sina Anne, Mich, at Chin ay may kanya-kanya ring lakad at nagbibidahan pa sila sa group chat namin.

Napaismid na lang ako. At least, a-attend ako ng couple's night! Wala mang ka-partner, naroon naman ang ilan pang kaibigan ko!

"Nauna na sa church si Calix," sabi ko kay Yna habang isinasarado ang pinto ng apartment.

Simpleng white dress lang ang suot ko na umabot hanggang ilalim ng tuhod ko. Its skirt was flowy, following me everytime I move. Hanggang palapulsuhan ang manggas at ang neckline ay hindi mababa. The top had beautiful embroideries. It hugged my curves perfectly, na kahit na flowy ang pang-ibaba ay hindi naitago ang kurba ng katawan ko.

Nagtagal ako sa pag-aayos ng buhok ko dahil naka-waterfalls braid pa ito, at mahirap iyon gawin nang mag-isa lang. My curtain bangs completed my hairstyle, giving my entire get-up a dramatic look.

"Wow, you look like a fairy, Auntie," sabi ni Parker nang makita ako.

Napatawa si Yna bago bumaling sa akin. "Ihahatid muna namin sa Lola. Susunod na rin agad kami pagkatapos."

Ngumiti lang ako. Lumapit ako sa mag-ina at hinawakan ang ulo ng bata na nakamasid lang sa akin. Nakita kong lumabas si Vonn mula sa apartment nila at kaagad na naglakad patungo sa asawa.

"Am I prettier than Mommy?" I jokingly asked Parker.

He pouted. "You should've asked me privately."

Nagtawanan kami ni Yna sa sagot niya. I gave Parker a thumbs up and leaned forward to give his cheek a kiss.

Dahil nakuha na nila ang sasakyan sa bahay ng mga magulang ni Vonn ay ibinaba muna nila ako sa church. Sa labas palang ay mahahalata nang may event sa loob dahil sa romantikong ilaw at malamyos na tugtog sa paligid.

"Thank you!" paalam ko sa kanila.

I walked into the church and was greeted by the soothing playing of the piano, sparkling bubbles, and a sweet scent around the corners. Our church was transformed into a romantic setting in an instant, and I think it was the best arrangement we'd had in years.

May mangilan-ngilan nang married couples na nakaupo sa kanya-kanya nilang pwesto. They were laughing while drinking non-alcoholic wine. Ang mga lalaki ay naka-tuxedo o long sleeves polo at ang mga babae naman ay naka-formal attire. Kahit kaming mga hindi naman talaga kaparte ng programa ay naka-semi formal bagaman ang napag-usapan ay casual lang.

Naupo ako sa tabi nina Jonah at Laurice, pang-apat na mesa mula sa stage. May iba pa kaming kasama sa mesa, pero nang makita ako ay tumigil sila sa pagkukwentuhan at binati ako.

"Where's Calix?" I asked Jonah. Hindi ko kasi siya makita sa paligid. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa overwhelming na ayos ng church o ano.

"He'll sit in the front along with the sponsors."

"Oh! Wow!" Hinawakan ko ang dulo ng buhok at nilaro para maitago ang gulat. Akala ko kasi ay tatabi ulit siya sa akin.

Totoo ngang sa unahan naupo si Calix dahil nang nagsimula ang programa ay nasa mesa siya kasama sina Pastor. Dim na rin ang ilaw kaya siguradong hindi niya na ako makikita.

I locked my gaze on his broad back. He was dressed in a black short-sleeved polo and gray pants that showed off his rippling muscles. His hair was in a loose, low bun, and even though it was his usual look, he seemed like a model straight out of a magazine.

Over time, I also noticed how masculine his chest was, especially because he liked to wear fitted shirts. Mukhang totoo talaga ang sinabi nina Chin na madalas siyang mag-workout.

Magkaibang-magkaiba ang ayos namin ngayon. I wanted to look pure, while he intended to look wicked... without even trying. If I didn't know him, I would have thought he was dangerous.

"Good evening, everyone!" maligayang bati ni Pastor sa amin matapos ang kantahan. "I hope you're enjoying the night."

Nakangiti akong tumango. It was fun to observe the couples. Some were awkward, but most of them were still sweet with each other.

"I will deliver the word of God about the power of love, courtship, and marriage," Pastor said. "Let's remember and appreciate your experiences before you reached where you are now. Some of our couples had spent over fifty years with their partners, yet their love remained steadfast and strong."

"We'll see what God has told us about the key to a long-lasting marriage." Napatingin si Pastor sa mga kabataan. "So, youth, listen to this message and learn."

Narinig ko ang mahinang pagtawa ni Jonah. "Vina, listen..."

I scoffed and softly punched her shoulder. I leaned back in my golden-clothed chair, focused on the stage, and prepared to hear the message.

"I've been married for thirty years," simula ni Pastor. "And even before we got married, we dated for five years... so imagine how sick my wife was with this face."

Nagtawanan kami. Nagnakaw muli ako ng sulyap kay Calix at nakitang nakatingin lang din siya sa stage.

"I'm sorry, honey, you're stuck with me." Pastor chuckled as he threw his wife a glance.

Nagtawanan ulit ang karamihan. That was a nice introduction to get the attention of the listeners.

"I wasn't a pastor yet when I met my wife. I'm a hardcore alcohol drinker... and I know that most of you know this already, but I even abused different substances." He shook his head. "I don't recommend it."

Ngumiti si Pastor. "Ashley, my wife, she's a Christian. A daughter of a very loving family. A straight-A student and a model citizen. We met at a night party... and guess what?" He laughed as he remembered the things his wife did. "She insisted on praying first."

Napangiti rin ako sa sinabi niya. I could imagine her... kahit ngayon kasi ay mahinhin pa rin ang babae kahit may pagka-strikta.

"Back then, I didn't understand why, even though everyone was howling with laughter at her, I couldn't take my gaze away from her." Naglakad si Pastor patungo sa gilid para tapatan ang asawa. "I'm not a believer but I felt like someone whispered to me, saying..." He smiled at his wife. "Marco, it's her."

It touched the most sensitive part of my heart. That love was just so genuine... so pure.

"Her family disproved me—of course—who would want an addict?" Tumawa siya. "It was definitely a love at first sight, or I don't know, attraction at first sight... but I fell so in love with Ashley."

"You know what she told me?" he asked before sighing dreamingly, like he was so blessed to have his wife. "Marco, I want to love someone who loves God more than me."

Natahimik kaming lahat.

"She has a lot of requests that I thought I couldn't fulfill," he continued. "Marco, I want a man who will guide me to God rather than to sin. Marco, I want to be with someone who inspires me to find my true self in Christ. Marco, I want someone who talks to God about me."

"My friends mocked me, saying it was boring and corny... so I cut ties with them... I mean, I love Ashley so much, and if they can't respect that, then it's high time for me to find new friends."

Narinig ko ang pag-sang-ayon ng lahat. Marami pang sinabi si Pastor tungkol sa nakaraan nila ng asawa niya at napagtanto kong napakapalad nila para matagpuan ang isa't isa.

"Church, trust me when I say that you will know when God gives you the person you were meant to be with. That person will connect directly with your spirit. That person will cherish you in ways that no one else has. Just be patient. It will be gratifying." Isa pa iyon sa tumatak sa akin.

"And do you know why my marriage lasted aside from our burning faith in God?" He smiled. "We don't just communicate; we understand... and that's one of the vital factors to strengthen your relationship."

I nodded quietly. Everyone can communicate, but not everyone understands. Madaling makinig pero mahirap magkaroon ng mapang-unawang puso. I learned that over the years. Hindi lahat ng nakikinig sa 'yo ay naiintindihan ka.

"Before I end this message, I would like to tell you that if you want to love unconditionally, find God. Seek Him. Have a good dance with Him, and He will lead you to your rightful partner."

Tulala ako nang matapos ang message. It was only for an hour, but I felt like I grew so much with his words. Slowly, so slowly, I sneaked a peek in Calix's direction and, for the first time tonight, I caught him eyeing me.

Halos matulala ako. Maraming tanong agad ang pumasok sa utak ko.

Naisip mo rin ba ako habang nakikinig kay pastor? Do you think I'm your... rightful partner? Do you think I could connect directly to your spirit? Do you think we can... communicate and understand each other?

Napaiwas ako ng tingin sa kanya. Ayun lang. All the boxes were checked... but the last box remained unnoticed. We didn't communicate... so how in the world would we understand each other?

Kahit nang maghapunan ay hindi na ulit ako tumingin kay Calix. Ang daming tanong ng utak ko at alam kong siya lang ang makasasagot noon. Sa mga nagdaang araw, wala sa amin ang nagbukas ng pinakamalaking sugat ng nakaraan.

When it was time for slow dancing, I saw a few couples in the middle, with women's arms around their husbands' necks and men's hands around their wives' waists.

"Vina, we'll go upstairs." Si Laurice. "This place is filled with couples. Do you want to come?"

"Later."

Dahil mga youth ang kasama namin, naiwan akong mag-isa sa mesa. Hindi ko alam kung bakit parang wala akong ganang tumayo... o baka may hinihintay lang ako na lumapit sa akin.

Soft harmonies could be heard all around the place. It was solemn and romantic... the epitome of a couple's night.

Tumingin ako sa gitna para panoorin ang mga sumasayaw pero dumirekta ang mata ko kay Pastor na kinakausap si Calix. Pastor looked like he was urging him to do something.

Napaiwas agad ko nang sabay silang bumaling sa akin. My heart pounded rapidly. Wala pa ngang ilang sandali ay nakatayo na sa gilid ko si Calix, nakalahad ang kamay, at seryosong nakatingin lang sa akin.

"Can we dance?" he asked gently, contradicting his serious aura.

Kahit parang sasabog ang puso ko sa kaba ay nanginginig akong ibinigay ang kamay sa kanya. Everyone seemed to be staring at us, waiting to see what we were going to do next.

We reached the middle, and as if on cue, a different song played. It was a soothing song, and the guest singer started to sing softly.

I put my hands around Calix's nape as he pulled me closer to him.

"We don't know what tomorrow holds, but we know who holds tomorrow. Knowing this, we'll live above, the world and all its sorrows," banayad na kanta ng singer.

I couldn't look at Calix. We were just dancing like everyone else, but all I could hear was the thumping of my heart.

"I have prayed for all my life that we would be together. Serving Him together seems so right..." pagpapatuloy ng singer. "Oh, oh yes, it's true. He has chosen me for you. Take my hand and we'll agree... that He has chosen you for me."

The lyrics brought tears to my eyes.

Lord, is Calix the rightful one? Is he the one who'll speak right through my spirit? Is he the one You have chosen for me?

I stopped moving and just pressed my face on his chest. I loved him so much... it hurt. I wanted to serve God with him. I wanted to spend my life with him. I wanted to be his chosen one.

"Now and then, I like to think about the day He saved me. All the love that He bestowed and all the gifts He gave me. With all this, I praise His name for putting us together. He knew we'd be together from the start..." the singer sang.

He stopped dancing too. Nasa gitna lang kaming dalawa, nakayakap sa isa't isa. I knew I had to do this. Walang tamang oras para gawin ito. I wanted us to work out. I wanted us to start again... and we could only do that if we reopened the past.

"Calix," I whispered, "can we talk?"

It was long overdue. I had to tell him that I knew what he went through... and that if he became worried because I knew, I would let him go. If he realized I was not good for him, even if it would break me again, I would let him go.

Tahimik siyang tumango. Hindi na namin natapos ang kanta dahil nagkasundo na kaming sa apartment na lang mag-usap. Ang sakit-sakit ng dibdib ko dahil alam kong dalawa lang ang posibleng dulo nito.

But I knew it should be done. I couldn't go on another month without telling him that I read his devotion notebook... and that I failed him.

Pagkapasok pa lang sa apartment ay huminga na ako nang malalim. Hindi siya nagsasalita kaya lalo akong kinakabahan. Para bang alam niya ang pag-uusapan namin.

I didn't know where to start. Sa sorry ba? Sa thank you? Hindi ko alam.

I faced him. Hindi ako handa. Sobrang hindi ako handa. Pero kung hindi ngayon, kailan? Hanggang kailan ko siya bibigyan ng mixed signals? Hanggang kailan ko siya ikukukong na naman sa akin?

"N-Nabasa ko ang devotion notebook mo, Calix..." My heart clenched in pain when I saw that he was taken aback.

I'm sorry, Calix. I'm so sorry.

"Hindi ko sinasadya... pero nabasa ko lahat... nalaman ko lahat." I took a deep breath because the pain was suffocating me.

He was raped, harassed, and abused. And yet, I compared my trauma to his back then. And yet, I doubted him.

"I-I'm sorry... Wala akong ibang gustong sabihin kung hindi sorry." Hindi ko na napigilan ang pag-iyak. "I'm sorry that I wasn't there when you needed me... I'm sorry that I pushed you when you wanted to hug me... I'm sorry that I remained deaf to your cries... Calix, I'm sorry..."

Yumuko ako at humikbi sa harap niya. He planned to kill himself... at hanggang ngayon ay isa pa rin iyon sa pinakamalaking takot na mayroon ako... kasi alam kong hindi ko kakayanin kung mangyayari ulit 'yon... kung may mawawala na naman dahil do'n.

"B-Bakit hindi mo sinabi, Calix? Hmm? Bakit mo sinarili? Nandito naman ako... hindi mo naman kailangang tawagan 'yon... kasi... kasi psychiatrist 'yong girlfriend mo! I can comfort you, too! I can talk to you all night, too!" hikbi ko. "Inagaw na ng depresyon sa akin si Mark... Hindi ko na kakayanin kung pati ikaw."

The shock silenced him completely. Ang tanging maririnig lang sa apartment ay ang pagtangis ko.

"Inisip kong niloloko mo ako, Calix!" sigaw ko para matauhan siya sa mga kasalanan at pagkukulang ko sa kanya. "H-Habang pinagdadaanan mo lahat ng 'yon... masama ang iniisip ko sa 'yo!"

Nag-angat ako ng tingin at nakitang nanunubig na rin ang mata niya. Lumapit ako at ikinapit ang kamay sa braso niya. Wala na akong mapaglabasan ng galit.

"Gabi-gabi kong iniisip kung paanong..." Pumikit ako, hindi sigurado kung tama bang sabihin ko ito, pero gusto kong maiparamdam sa kanya ang lahat. "K-Kung paanong binaboy ka... sa lintek na isla na 'yon!"

Wala pa rin siyang sinabi kahit na malakas ang pagmumura ko. Gusto kong ilabas lahat. Gusto kong isigaw lahat ng hinanaing ko sa mga nakalipas na taon. For the first time in years, I wanted to break myself free.

"A-Ano'ng ginawa nila sa 'yo, Calix?" Paulit-ulit ang pag-iling ko. "I'm sorry for failing you. I'm sorry for doubting you... Alam kong wala nang kwenta ang lahat ng 'to... but those were the words I really wanted to tell you. I'm really... really sorry."

Hinuli niya ang kamay kong mahinang nakatuon lang sa kanya. He brought it to his lips and kissed it gently... like it would heal the wounds in my heart.

"How about you?" he whispered. "Who was with you when your father hurt you? Who was with you when Mark... died? Who was with you when..." he paused. "You almost lose your license?"

I bit my lower lip to keep my shrill cry. Ang sakit-sakit balikan ng lahat. Nakakaubos pa rin. Nakakapagod.

"Vina, I wasn't there for you, too..." nabasag ang boses niya. "Inisip ko ang paglayo sa 'yo dahil hindi ko kayang marinig ang pag-iyak mo araw-araw... at wala akong magawa... wala magawa kung hindi makinig lang kasi hindi rin kita kayang patahanin." A tear fell from his eye. "You were crying... at ayun ang pinakakinatatakutan ko, Vina... You need a strong man. You need someone to console you... pero kahit iyon, hindi ko maibigay."

Iyak lang ako nang iyak. We were so broken.

"Kung takot ka, Vina, takot na takot din ako." He held my hand tightly. "I don't care about my trauma, basta 'wag ka lang iiyak. M-Mas hindi ko kaya 'yon. Mas masakit pala 'yon."

Umiling ako. "No... you don't understand."

"Naiintindihan ko. You were just so selfless that you didn't realize that when the time I was hurting, you were in pain, too."

Walang salitang namutawi sa bibig ko. Pakiramdam ko ay may kulang sa mga sinabi ko pero hindi ko na matukoy kung ano iyon dahil sa sakit sa puso ko.

"Isang beses lang nangyari 'yon, Vina. When I was drugged, isang beses lang... Kahit halos patayin na nila ako sa bugbog, hindi ako pumapayag. Lumalaban ako," pag-amin niya na lalong nagpaiyak sa akin. "I tried calling the police but no one believed me. Kahit si Rod... hindi ako tinutulungan... I felt hopeless."

Hinang-hina ako. Gusto kong takpan ang tainga para hindi ko na siya marinig dahil ayoko nang isipin pa iyon. I was so fed up with my own battles before that I didn't even notice his bruises... they must've hurt.

"But all that pain was nothing compared to the pain I felt when you cried, Vina," he whispered.

Nagpatuloy siya nang hindi ako sumagot. Hindi ko na alam ang sasabihin. "Cielo and her men were in prison now. It's not easy, but you're my striving force to heal... to grow."

"Thank you for letting this happen, Vina. I'm scared, too, but my love for you is greater than my fears."

Parang may kung anong naghilom sa puso ko... at napagtanto ko na heto pala ang hinihintay ko para matalo ang multo ng nakaraan.

"I know that it will take some time for us to heal completely... but know that I will always wait until you free yourself from pain."