Chapter 36

I didn't know how that night ended. Ang alam ko lang ay hinayaan ko ang sariling tanggapin ang lahat ng sinabi ni Calix.

My heart swelled with joy when I opened his gift and realized what it was—a white gold bracelet with a pendant of the chemical structure of serotonin, a neurotransmitter that makes people feel contented, optimistic, and happy.

Truth be told, it made my night. Pakiramdam ko, kahit patago, ay naging masaya ako.

Salungat sa gustong niyang mangyari ay hindi kami nagkita kinabukasan. Maaga akong kinailangan sa ospital dahil tumulak kami pa-Tacoma para magkaroon ng free Christmas counseling. It happened so suddenly, but I didn't object because I loved volunteering. I loved serving others, especially since the suicide rate was continuously growing.

Ito ang isa sa mga paborito kong ginagawa ng ospital. Dahil private hospital kami, totoong may kamahalan ang medical fees. Tuloy ay naging pribelehiyo ang pagkakaroon ng maayos na kalusugan.

And I believe the government should provide more resources for our medical practitioners. They should fund medical research and support health professionals so that everyone has access to quality health care. Kahit kasi public hospitals ay mahal pa rin ang billing. Ang hirap tuloy magkasakit kapag wala kang pera.

The whole counseling session would last for five days. Unang araw palang ay marami nang nakapila sa amin; kadalasan ay mga may edad na. I found it remarkable that getting your mental health checked was no longer considered taboo... unlike in the past. I mean, going to a psychiatrist didn't automatically mean you had any mental disorders. It was just like a regular physical check-up, only that you would be checking on your mental health.

Parang cultural reset ang ginawa ko. I suddenly missed my office in Procare Hospital. I missed Kaycee and Faye. I missed Yesha. I missed my inpatients and outpatients. I missed working as a full-time psychiatrist. 'Yong mag-ha-handle ako ng mabibigat na cases at magiging hands-on sa mga pasyente na may guarded prognosis.

I texted Yna about the sudden outdoor activity... that I wouldn't be home for the following days.

I just spent my whole Christmas listening to the stories of the beautiful individuals I handled.

On my second day, ganoon pa rin ang nangyari. Hindi na kasingdami ng kahapon ang pumunta, pero may mangilan-ngilan pa rin akong nakausap. Isa sa mga tumatak sa akin ay ang intake interview ko sa isang babae na halos ka-edad ko lang.

"Can you tell me what makes you sad most of the time?" tanong ko.

Pinanood ko kung paano siya yumuko. Sinimulan niyang kalikutin ang kamay at maya-maya'y nagpakawala ng buntonghininga.

"I'm married," panimula niya. "My husband and I have two children and we're doing great. My husband adores me to bits. He always tells me how lucky he is to have me in his life." She gave a sad smile. "But every night, I wonder what I did to deserve this kind of life... and once in a while, I have this feeling that it may be taken away from me."

I urged her to keep going.

"Doc, what if I let them down... as I did the last time? What if I don't turn out to be the person my family believes I am?" Her voice had shattered. "My problem is trivial... I mean, I'm blessed. What more do I need?" She shook her head. "But then again, maybe I'm just afraid of disappointing my loved ones."

She looked at me; visible sadness could be seen in her eyes.

"I'm sad all the time because I can't forgive myself for what I did to them in the past. And maybe that's the price I need to pay for my mistakes—guilt."

It resonated with me because I could relate to her. For me, forgiving others was easier than forgiving yourself, especially when you spent so much time and effort building yourself just to lose people... just to lose your foundation.

Ikatlong araw ko rito nang makatanggap ako ng chat mula kay Calix. Paalis na sana ako sa dorm para pumunta sa hall kung saan ginaganap ang counseling nang matanggap ko iyon. It was so simple, but I felt really... really alive.

Calix Dylan Fujimoto: Nasabi sa akin ni Yna na nag-volunteer ka. Don't forget to eat on time. Ingat ka d'yan, Vina.

It was the first chat we had after years of not communicating. I never deleted our conversation, so I still had the voice messages I sent him before. Alam ko na ngayon na iba ang nakarinig at nakabasa ng mga mensahe ko.

Smiling, I replied to him.

Rovina Desamero: Thank you, Calix.

Na-seen niya agad ang chat ko, pero dahil bland ang reply ko ay hindi na ako umasang sasagot pa siya.

Ganoon na lang ang gulat ko nang naging sunod-sunod ang chat niya. Nag-react pa siya ng heart sa ini-reply ko.

Calix Dylan Fujimoto: Kailan ang uwi mo?

Calix Dylan Fujimoto: Saan ba 'yan?

Calix Dylan Fujimoto: Baka pwedeng bumisita.

I pouted. Umupo muna ako sa kama para masagot ang mga tanong niya.

Rovina Desamero: Sa Sabado ang uwi ko. At ano namang gagawin mo rito kung bibisita ka?

He replied right away. Napatingin ako sa orasan pero dahil marami pang oras ay hindi na muna ako umalis.

Calix Dylan Fujimoto: Gagala lang po, Ma'am. Sightseeing na rin.

Rovina Desamero: Wala namang sceneries dito, Calix. And don't call me ma'am. Hindi mo ako teacher.

Calix Dylan Fujimoto: Hahaha.

Napairap ako sa reply niya.

Calix Dylan Fujimoto: May magandang scenery d'yan, ah?

Calix Dylan Fujimoto: Psychiatrist na masungit.

Sumimangot ako. Tumayo ako bago kunin ang bag ko. Mabilis akong nakarating sa hall pero hindi ako makapag-focus dahil nag-appear sa screen ng cellphone ko ang notification ng mga chat ni Calix. Hindi ko muna pinansin iyon dahil tinawag na ako ni Reign.

"Why are you smiling?" tanong niya.

Napahawak ako sa labi. "Am I?"

She snickered. "If I didn't know better, I would have thought you were in love."

Sininghalan ko lang siya. Dumiretso ako sa upuan ko at nagsimula nang tumanggap ng clients. I was extra energetic this time. Parang energy booster ang palitan namin ng mensahe ni Calix.

Nang mag-lunch break ay saka ko sinilip ang chats niya. Mayroon pa ring green na bilog sa profile picture niya kaya alam kong online pa rin siya. Nagtago pa ako sa sulok ng hall para walang makapansin sa ngiti ko.

Calix Dylan Fujimoto: Pupunta ako sa church. May morning fellowship kasi. What are you doing?

Calix Dylan Fujimoto: Are you working?

Calix Dylan Fujimoto: Rooting for you, Doc.

I was about to reply when I noticed three dots beside his photo. It only meant he was already writing a message!

Calix Dylan Fujimoto: I'm sorry for flooding you with messages.

Huminga ako nang malalim. Tutok na tutok ang mata ko sa cellphone at kung may makakakita lang sa akin ngayon, aakalain nilang may boyfriend ako!

Rovina Desamero: Ayos lang naman.

Pagka-send ko ng message ay nag-init ang pisngi ko. Ayos lang na ano, Vina? Na magka-chat kayo?! How about your rules?!

Ni hindi na ako nakapag-isip dahil nag-chat ulit siya. Ang bilis namang mag-reply nito! Wala ba siyang ibang ginagawa?

Calix Dylan Fujimoto: Buti naman kung gano'n.

Napanguso ako. Inaasar niya ba ako?! Bakit parang ang arogante ng reply niya?

Nakakunot ang noo ko nang mag-send ng sagot sa kanya.

Rovina Desamero: ?

I saw three dots next to his picture. Hindi na rin ako umalis sa chat box namin para matutukan ko ang sasabihin niya.

Calix Dylan Fujimoto: Hahaha. Shortcake.

I grunted. Yeah, right. He was teasing me.

Halos makalimutan ko nang kumain dahil sa palitan namin ng messages ni Calix. Kahit pagkatapos kong mag-counsel ay hindi naputol ang usapan namin. He replied really fast! Halatang walang ibang pinagkakaabalahan.

Nang mga sumunod na araw ay panay pa rin ang pagcha-chat namin sa isa't isa. He was just too entertaining to ignore. Isang beses ay nag-send pa sa akin ng picture ng kinakain niyang strawberry shortcake.

The five days I spent volunteering had taught me a lot about life. I learned many things from my clients and was able to help them in return. Also, I felt like I had a restart. Kahit kaunting araw lang. Parang nakapagpahinga ako sa sarili kong utak.

It was Sunday when I saw Calix again. Kagabi lang ako umuwi at hindi na namin naabutan ang isa't isa dahil sinabi ko sa chat na gusto ko nang magpahinga. Kasisimula lang ng worship service nang dumating ako sa church.

Almost everyone was singing praises to the Lord, raising their hands to Him.

Yet, here I am, staring intently at the man playing the piano.

Sumasabay siya sa kanta habang tumutugtog. His delicate fingers pressed the keys gracefully, na para bang may sarili silang utak.

"I found my fortress in You, and my soul is anchored with You. My resting place is in Your name... forever safe," kanta ng worship leader.

I couldn't contain my emotions. Titig na titig lang ako kay Calix na walang kaalam-alam na pinapanood ko siya. I was surprised to see him performing... or more like... worshipping Him.

All of a sudden, I couldn't see the man I loved years ago. I couldn't see the man I hurt. I couldn't see the man I failed.

"You are never far away. Always reaching out to save. My weakness covered by Your strength and I am found forever safe."

It was only the new version of him that I could see. The one who, with the power of God, defeated his demons. The one who was able to fix himself. The one who was trying again. And, despite the fact that his appearance remained almost unchanged, I could see how his love and loyalty to Him strengthened.

I didn't know how I managed to stay calm the entire worship service. Mas dinig ko pa ang pintig ng puso ko kaysa sa tugtog. Nang matapos ay lalo akong kinabahan nang lumapit sa akin si Calix.

"Can I sit here?" tukoy niya sa upuan sa tabi ko.

Narinig ko ang pagsinghap ni Yna pero hindi ko na siya pinansin. Isang tango ang iginawad ko kay Calix at wala naman siyang inaksayang oras dahil naupo agad siya sa tabi ko.

"Nagkamali yata ako," mahinang tawa niya. "Nakakahiya."

Pasimple akong sumulyap sa kanya pero nang makitang nakatingin siya sa akin ay ibinalik ko ang mata sa harapan.

"Hindi naman narinig..."

"Shh, 'wag po sanang magdaldalan dahil gusto kong marinig si Pastor," pabirong suway ni Yna sa amin.

Nag-init ang mukha ko nang marinig ang mababang tawa ni Calix. Hindi na rin siya nagsalita kaya nag-focus kami sa pakikinig sa mensahe. It only lasted for an hour, but I swear, it was the longest hour of my life!

"We will be having our afternoon fellowship," pag-a-announce ni Pastor.

Alam kong kailangan kong pumunta dahil last Sunday of the month na kaya naka-schedule ang ibang members sa pagkakaroon ng counseling. Hindi naman magtatagal iyon ng ilang oras kaya baka makasali ako sa fellowship.

We ended the morning service with a prayer. Nauna nang umuwi sina Yna, Vonn, at Parker dahil family day nila.

"Lunch muna tayo?" tanong ni Calix na hindi rin tumatayo.

Kahit kanina pa ako kinakabahan sa presensya niya ay nagawa ko pa rin siyang balingan ng tingin.

"Hindi ka ba aalis?" I asked, not minding his question.

He shook his head. "Sasama ako sa afternoon fellowship."

Napangiti ako. He was really... devoted to Him. Nasubok na siya ng tadhana, pero imbes na talikuran ang Diyos ay lalo pa siyang lumapit sa Kanya. And I always aspired to be like him. 'Yong hindi lang lalapit sa Diyos dahil may kailangan. 'Yong ipinapanalangin na mawala ang negatibong emosyon sa kanya imbes na isumpa ang mga nanakit sa kanya.

And that was beautiful. Rather than praying for someone to vanish because they were a bother, you would pray for more patience. Rather than praying for your problems to be sorted, you would pray for more strength.

"You're thinking," he whispered.

I chuckled. "Paano ka nakapag-practice tumugtog? Ang bilis mong mag-chat... parang wala kang ginagawa."

"Nagpapractice ako kapag nagpapaalam kang magpahinga." He pursed his lips to keep a smile from showing. "Saka... kapag nagtatrabaho ka."

My heart warmed. He was adjusting for me. Gaya ng dati. Ibinabakante niya ang Sabado niya para makasama ako. I guess he didn't really change.

Tumango lang ako bago muling ibinalik ang tingin sa stage.

"Hindi ka kakain?" tanong niya. "Gusto mo ibili na lang kita?"

Nag-isip ako nang mabuti. These past few days, lagi kong pinagbibigyan ang sarili na makausap siya. Even though I had set a lot of rules for myself, hindi mapagkakailang nagiging komportable na ako ulit sa kanya. I was happy, too. I always looked forward to hearing from him. I even hoped that the days would move fast so that we could see each other again.

Maybe... I could face my fear. Little by little. Step by step. Not for anyone else but for myself.

"Ayaw mo?" tanong niya ulit.

Napatawa ako bago tumayo. "Tara na."

Nakita ko ang pagdaan ng gulat sa mga mata niya. He stood up and towered over me, still surprised but there was an evident smile on his lips. Pinauna niya akong maglakad palabas hanggang sa makarating kami sa restaurant malapit sa church.

Nag-order siya ng pagkain at nagsimula nang magtanong sa akin kung ano ang ginawa ko nitong mga nagdaang araw. Mataman lang siyang nakinig sa mga kwento ko... parang dati... gaya lang ng dati.

"Nagvo-volunteer naman talaga kami. Hindi ko lang in-expect na mismong pasko."

He smiled. "That's the best way to celebrate Christmas, Vina. Serving others."

"Ikaw? How did you celebrate yours?" I asked. "Hindi ako nakapagpaalam sa 'yo, kahit sinabi mong magkikita tayo."

"It's okay."

Dumating ang orders namin kaya napatigil kami saglit. Inayos niya ang pinggan ko at naglagay pa ng tissue sa gilid ko bago muling magsalita.

"I gave presents to... homeless kids and elders."

Umawang ang bibig ko at agad na nanubig ang mata. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin sa kanya para hindi niya makitang bahagyang naluluha ako. I didn't know why I became so emotional. Marami namang namimigay ng regalo sa iba. Ginagawa naman talaga iyon tuwing pasko.

But given his background, my heart hurt. Dati siyang nanlilimos, pero ngayon ay siya na ang nagbibigay.

"You're very generous, Calix," hindi napigilang kumento ko. My heart was overflowing with pride for him.

He chuckled. "Hindi naman."

"Inilibre mo ng plane tickets ang churchmates mo para makapunta rito, tapos namigay ka panregalo sa mga bata at matatanda," mahinang saad ko. "And now, nilibre mo pa ako ng lunch. If that's not generosity, then what is?"

"Nakakahiya kapag galing sa 'yo." Muli siyang tumawa. "Hindi naman sa akin 'yon. Sa Lord 'yon."

I lowered my gaze because of the mixture of emotions in my heart. I loved him then, but I know that I love him even more now.

Imposible na ang pag-ahon sa akin. Imposible na ang pakikinig sa sarili. I still have a lot of reservations. I'm still not ready to fully love him... but right now, I just want to enjoy the moment until it lasts.

Our afternoon fellowship was full of sharing. Matapos ang counselling ay agad akong naupo sa tabi ni Calix para makinig sa nag-si-share. Paminsan-minsan ay nagsasalita rin kami.

"How about you, Doc? What pushed you to be a Christian?" tanong ni Pastor.

Nakabilog lang kaming lahat kaya mabilis na naipasa sa akin ang mic. My heart was pounding, not because I was afraid to speak, but because the reason why I sought Him was just right beside me.

"Uhm... I was an agnostic for years. I believe more in science and facts rather than religion," saad ko, medyo nanginginig ang boses. Ramdam ko ang titig ni Calix sa gilid ko. "I never really felt comforted all my life. You see, I'm very... very optimistic. I was the breadwinner of the family, and even though I felt like they were taking advantage of me, I told myself to look at the brighter side."

Tumingin ako sa kanila at napansing tahimik lang silang nakikinig sa akin. I realized that I hadn't really shared my story to them. Ang alam lang nila ay psychiatrist ako mula sa Pilipinas.

Nagpatuloy ako. "That's where the problem lies. I let them use me. I let them exhaust me." I smiled regardless of the pain stabbing me. "I didn't realize how tired I was... not until I met someone who comforted me. Someone who constantly asked how my day went. Someone who was really proud of me."

Parang nahahati ang puso ko sa sakit habang inaalala ang mga yakap ni Calix sa akin tuwing umiiyak ako dahil kina Mama. Kung paanong hindi siya nagsawang makinig sa kwento ko araw-araw tungkol sa inis ko kay Dr. Santiago at kung paanong inalagaan niya ako.

"That someone did everything I had been longing for my family to do..." I chuckled. "He's a Christian. He always prays before we eat. He always plays worship songs. He always thanks God. Even when I gave him my yes, he thanked Him first... saying that I was his answered prayer."

Nakita ko ang mga ngiti nila. Alam kong may ideya si Calix sa mga sinasabi ko, pero gusto kong iparinig sa kanila kung paano ako binago ng pagmamahal ko sa kanya.

"We broke up." I smiled sadly. "And after he left, I found myself longing for that comfort... longing for that kind of love."

I took a deep breath and sighed. "That's how I ended up seeking God... to be consoled again... to feel at ease again. And I have never regretted it since the day I stepped into this church, because He gave me more than what I asked. In return, I would never get tired of thanking and serving Him."

Sumandal ako sa upuan at matagumpay na ngumiti.

"Long story short, I became a Christian because I fell in love with a man of God."

Our story was bitter-sweet. Bitter because we didn't end up together, but sweet because of the lessons we acquired along the way.

Tahimik na si Calix hanggang sa makauwi kami. Alam kong iniisip niya ang sinabi ko kaya hindi ko na rin siya kinausap.

The day went on smoothly. Magaan ang puso ko dahil pakiramdam ko ay wala na akong dinadala. I was preparing to sleep when my phone rang.

Napatulala ako agad nang makitang si Calix iyon. Voice call sa messenger.

Sumandal ako sa headboard ng kama bago sagutin ang tawag niya.

"Vina," halos bulong na iyon. "May gagawin ka ba bukas?"

Napatulala ako. Tomorrow is our supposed fourth anniversary. Hindi ko alam kung tanda niya... para yayain niya ako nang ganito.

"M-May trabaho ako," nanginginig ang boses na sagot ko, "pero hanggang lunch... bakit?"

Naghari ang katahimikan sa amin. Rinig ko ang banayad niyang paghinga pero dahil hindi siya umiimik ay nanatili rin akong tahimik.

"Can we date?" he asked softly.

My lips parted in shock. "W-What?"

He cleared his throat. "Vina, can we date?"

Nataranta ako. "Huh? Ano... pwede ba 'yon? I mean, we broke up, Calix. Anniversary natin bukas. It doesn't seem... right."

"I'm asking if you want to, Vina."

Naghanap agad ako ng palusot. "Calix... parang hindi magandang tingnan? New Year's Eve pa! You should call Lola Harriet! Dapat i-celebrate 'yon kasama ang mga mahal mo sa buhay!"

"That's why I'm asking you," he replied.

Umiling ako para iwaksi ang naiisip. No, I shouldn't go there! I shouldn't put words into his mouth!

Hindi pa ako nakakasagot ay nagsalita siya ulit.

"I am planning to stay for a little longer."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "What do you mean?"

"Aalis na sa Huwebes ang churchmates ko, at hindi ako sasama sa kanila pauwi, Vina."

Mabibingi na yata ako sa mga pinagsasabi niya. May parte sa puso ko ang masaya pero mas dominante ang kaba.

"B-Bakit?" I swallowed hard. "Wala rito ang buhay mo, Calix."

"May ginagawa ka ba ngayon?" he asked, out-of-context.

"Wala... nakahiga lang."

"Could you please open your door?"

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. "H-Huh?!"

"I want to tell you something really important, Vina."

Hindi ko na siya napansin dahil agad akong humanap ng suklay para mag-ayos. Kinagat ko nang paulit-ulit ang labi ko para medyo mamula. Labis na nagwawala ang dibdib ko, at kahit malamig ay parang pinagpapawisan ang kamay ko.

Dahan-dahan akong nagtungo sa pintuan at pinagbuksan siya. He looked serious... the most serious he had ever been. Parang anumang oras na may gawin akong mali ay parurusahan niya ako.

Pinapasok ko siya sa apartment ko kahit na para akong hihimatayin sa kaba. Malapit na kami sa sofa nang maramdaman ko ang paghawak niya sa braso ko.

Napaharap ako sa kanya.

"Uhm..." I immediately turned my gaze away from him.

"Look at me," utos niya, hindi pa rin ako binibitawan.

I bit my lip and felt the fast thumping of my heart. Unti-unti kong ibinalik sa kanya ang tingin at nang magtama ang mata namin ay kita ko ang pagsasalubong ng kilay niya, para bang nagkokontrol ng emosyon.

"If it isn't clear to you," he whispered, "I still love you, Vina."

I expected those words, but my heart still felt like it was about to burst out of my chest.

"Y-You can't say that, Calix. We've just met—"

Umiling siya. "I never stopped."

"Calix..."

"Mahal na mahal pa rin kita, Vina," he confessed. "I never tried forgetting you because it was pointless. Ikaw lang ang mahal ko at ikaw lang ang gusto kong mahalin."

Umawang ang bibig ko. Para akong tinakasan ng lakas. Para akong nawalan ng boses.

"I miss you so much..." His voice cracked. "I miss you everyday. I miss everything about you... para na akong masisiraan kaiisip sa 'yo."

Slowly, he let go of my arm.

"Gustong-gusto kitang puntahan. Ilang beses na akong nakabili ng ticket para lang sundan ka... pero hindi ko itinuloy kasi ayaw kong guluhin ka. I want to give you time. I want to let you breathe."

He neared me. Hindi na ako nakagalaw nang hapitin niya ang baywang ko palapit sa kanya. He was staring deeply at me. Ni hindi ko na alam kung puso ko pa ba ang naririnig ko o sa kanya.

"Baby, is three years enough? Can you come home to me now?" he asked gently.

My eyes teared up. "H-Hindi ganoon kadali 'yon, Calix... I still have a lot of doubts... I can't trust myself."

Tumango siya. "Then, can I court you?"

Hindi ako nakasagot.

"I love you so much. I don't know what to do anymore." He squeezed my waist. "Please let me stay with you until you become ready to love again."

Nanginig ang labi ko. "I can't promise you anything... I'm not fully healed yet, Calix."

"It's okay, Vina. You don't have to reciprocate my feelings," bulong niya. "You're not obligated to love me back."

He pulled me closer until his lips touched my forehead. A tear fell from my eye when I realized how much I missed being held by him. I didn't stop loving him too, but I didn't want to give him half-baked love.

"I'm very proud of what you've become, Vina."

He planted another kiss on my forehead.

I closed my eyes and let his words relieve me. The days ahead would be far too stressful and complicated for me. I still believed I was undeserving... I still believed I was not worthy to be loved by anyone.

Please, Lord, give me an answer.