Chapter 32

I sipped my drink while staring at the snowfall on the glass pane beside me. I smiled at its beauty. Nasa coffee shop ako malapit sa apartment habang hinihintay ang pagdating ng mga kasamahan ko sa church. May outdoor meeting kasi kami para sa nalalapit na Christmas party.

Matapos mabasa ang devotion notebook ni Calix, mayroong mga naiwang tanong sa puso ko. I didn't understand before why Calix trusted Him so much. Na kahit masakit na, imbis na magalit sa mismong nakagawa sa kanya ng kasalanan, lumapit siya sa Kanya at nanalangin.

It piqued my curiosity. Kaya naman pagdating ko rito ay agad akong naghanap ng churches. Sa unang pag-attend, hindi ko alam kung bakit napaiyak na agad ako sa pagtugtog ng isang Christian song. Kahit ang mismong mensahe noong araw na 'yon ay parang ginawa para sa akin.

But along with the spiritual guidance, nagpa-counsel din ako sa isang psychiatrist dito. I was aware that my mental health was declining as a result of my numerous suicidal ideas. Thankfully, I wasn't diagnosed with any mental disability. Sinabihan lang ako na magpa-counsel from time to time para ma-monitor ako. I did it for almost six months.

Doon pa rin pumapasok na kapag ang problema ay psychological, ang approach sa solusyon ay psychological din. If someone has a mental disorder, they must consult a mental health professional. If the concern is physical, they should see a physician.

Mental disorders were not caused by a lack of faith. Walang correlation ang dalawang iyon. Even a pastor whose belief was established could be diagnosed with that. Tulad ng physical illnesses, walang exempted dito. Walang pinipili. The spiritual faith would only be used as a coping tool, not a treatment or cure.

"Nice scarf," putol ni Laurice sa pag-iisip ko. Isa siya sa mga leaders sa church.

I smiled before holding onto my favorite beige knitted scarf. Sumulyap ako sa likuran niya at nakita kong umupo na ang lampas sampung members na hinihintay ko.

Kasama ko sa meeting dahil isa ako sa counselors. I offered free counseling sessions to the members of our church. Minsan, kapag may free time ay nagtuturo ako sa Sunday School. It was fun because I had a soft spot for kids.

"Good afternoon, Doc!" bati nila sa akin.

"Sorry for keeping you waiting."

"Good afternoon," I greeted them. "It's okay, Pastor. I just got off from work."

They ordered drinks and pastries before the meeting started. They had a lot of ideas and suggestions—mga palaro, performance, at activities na pwedeng ilagay sa program. Hindi ko rin maiwasang mapatawa dahil na-i-imagine ko na ang mangyayari.

"Vina, can you teach our children a dance?" tanong sa akin ng asawa ni Pastor.

"Uhm... I work from Monday to Saturday from eight to five. Can they practice in the evening?"

Napaisip ang babae. "We still have three Sundays left before the party. You can teach them every Sunday afternoon."

I nodded, smiling. "Sure."

"Thank you," she replied. "And all of us should wear something red to emphasize the symbol of love."

Tumango ang ibang members.

"We'll have a lot of guests that day, so it'll be a huge gathering." Si Pastor. "Laurice, Jonah, and Vina, can you be the usherettes?" tanong niya pa. "You'll assist our visitors."

Muli akong tumango. "I'm okay with that."

Nakita kong tumango rin ang dalawa.

Ngumiti si Pastor. "Seth, you'll host the entire program," pagpapatuloy niya.

Nakinig lang ako sa mga plano namin. Iniisip ko na rin kung ano ang magandang Christmas song na ipasasayaw ko sa mga bata. Hindi ito ang unang beses na tuturuan ko sila, pero ito ang unang beses na Pasko sila magpe-perform. Kadalasan kasi ay mga special number lang kapag Father's Day o Mother's Day.

The next days, I spent my free time practicing and choreographing easy dance steps for kids. Ang ngayong itim at hanggang baywang kong buhok ay sumasabay sa bawat pag indayog ng katawan ko. Its wavy ends looked graceful as I danced.

May mga araw rin na katawagan ko ang mga kaibigan habang nag-eensayo... gaya ngayon.

"Kung hindi lang ako straight, naakit mo na 'ko!" saad ni Anne matapos ang paninitig sa akin. "Ang ganda ng butt mo, girl. Bilog na bilog."

Pumalatak si Mich. "Nakakainggit pati 'yong boobs niya. Sakto lang 'yong laki."

Tumawa ako. "Wala pa kasi akong baby."

"Sus! Walang ibang dumede d'yan?" walang hiyang tanong ni Anne.

"I mean, hindi pa nalalagyan ng gatas!"

Anne laughed. "Ah, so... meron?"

Napairap ako sa hangin kaya lalong natawa ang dalawa.

"Mas gusto ko talagang kausap si Chin kaysa sa inyo!"

"Pipilitin ka lang no'n umuwi! Ilang beses na niya kaming niyaya na bisitahin ka d'yan. Wala lang talagang time... at saka... itong si Anne, hindi pinapayagan ng asawa," saad ni Mich.

Muli kong pinatugtog ang music. I chose to put together an interpretive dance to show the kids how sacred the celebration was. Rinig ko ang daldalan ng dalawa pero nag-focus ako sa pagsasayaw.

I was really excited about the upcoming Christmas party because Christmas was still my favorite holiday, and it was my third year celebrating it as a Christian.

Hindi naging madali ang buhay ko rito. Kahit ngayon ay umiiyak pa rin ako. I kept missing my life before and all the people in it. I still blamed myself for what happened to Mark and Calix. I still believed I was a failure. The words of people around me, especially my family, still echoed in the walls of my heart. Hinding-hindi ko malilimutan kung paano ko isinantibi ang ibang mga bagay dahil sa lungkot ko.

I wouldn't say I was totally healed, but I knew I was getting better everyday. Iniiwasan kong maisip si Mark dahil laging natatapos ang lahat sa pag-iyak ko.

Tinigilan ko na rin ang pag-aasam kay Calix. He'd always have a particular place in my heart because he was the one who led me to God. He pushed me to be the best version of myself that I could be. And even if our relationship didn't work out, I'd remain grateful for the principles and memories he had given me.

Naihanda ko na ang sarili. Kung totoo man ang usapan tungkol sa kanila ni Gwen, hindi ko maipapangakong hindi ako masasaktan... pero alam kong magiging masaya ako para sa kanya.

It would surely hurt... I knew for sure that I would bleed... but there was nothing I could do other than blame myself for what happened to us. I used to have a lot of what ifs and should have beens, pero wala nang kuwenta lahat ng iyon ngayon.

Gwen saved him on the days I couldn't. She heard him on the days I was deaf to my own foes. She hugged him as I walked out of his life.

At kahit masakit tanggapin, si Gwen ang kasama niya habang wala ako.

Tuluyan akong napatigil sa pagsasayaw at napansin nina Mich at Anne ang pagbabago ng ekspresyon ko.

"Grabe, 'no?" I sighed, pulling up a chair, and facing my friends. "Pwede pala talagang kahit akala mo sobrang okay n'yo, sobrang compatible n'yo, sobrang understanding n'yo sa isa't isa... pwede palang maghiwalay pa rin?"

I gulped. "Alam n'yo 'yon?" Nanubig ang mga mata ko. "Maayos naman kaming natapos, eh. Walang galit. Walang sigawan. Walang sumbatan. Hindi gaya ng previous relationships ko. Calix didn't cheat on me. He never did something terrible to me. M-Mahal pa nga namin ang isa't isa no'ng naghiwalay kami, eh."

Tuluyang nalaglag ang luha ko. "Bumalik pa siya sa bahay... tapos niyakap niya pa ako. Sabi niya mag-iingat ako. Sabi niya 'wag akong mag-iinom mag-isa. Sabi niya mag-grocery ako every weekend." Umiling-iling ako. "Lahat ng sinabi niya, sinunod ko."

"Vina," malungkot na tawag sa akin nina Anne at Mich.

"Pero nakaka-miss pala mapagalitan, 'no? 'Yong kapag may nagawa kang mali, pagsasabihan ka... ididisiplina ka... kasi mahal ka nila... kasi nag-aalala sila sa 'yo," tuloy-tuloy na saad ko habang umiiyak. "Ngayon kasi, ako na lang, eh... Kahit may achievements ako, wala akong mapagkwentuhan. Hindi ko alam!" I chuckled. "Dati pa namang gano'n... pero... ewan..."

"Nandito pa naman kami, Vina," nag-aalang saad ni Anne.

Tumango ako. "Alam ko! Tsaka si Chin... si Yna, 'di ba? 'Yong bago kong kaibigan... Tapos nand'yan din 'yong mga kasamahan ko sa church... katrabaho... marami!" I convinced myself.

"Tell us what you feel. Come on, Vina. Let it out." Si Mich. "Hindi namin alam kung ano ang nangyari sa inyo ni Calix, pero handa kaming makinig sa 'yo. No'ng kami 'yong may problema, 'di ba, ikaw rin naman 'yong nand'yan?"

I brushed my tears away, but I ended up sobbing. "M-Miss ko na si Calix, Mich. Miss na miss ko na si Calix."

"Miss ko na 'yong pagkain namin ng ramen kapag hindi ako okay. Tapos, tuwing umuulan dito, naiisip ko siya... kasi baka naka-motor siya at baka maulanan siya... Tapos maiisip ko na lang na wala nga pala siya rito." I sighed deeply. "'Yong paghatid at pagsundo niya sa akin sa trabaho. 'Yong ngiti niya kapag nauubos ni Matcha 'yong pagkain. Lahat... tapos ngayong magpapasko, lalo ko siyang na-mi-miss kasi sinamahan niya ako no'ng nakasagutan ko sina Mama."

"At ang pinakamasakit do'n, kahit na alam ko sa sarili kong mahal ko pa at may paraan pa para magkita kami... Hinding-hindi ko na hahayaang makapasok ako ulit sa buhay niya. B-Because I don't deserve him... because I'll only keep on failing him."

Umiyak ako nang umiyak sa tapat ng screen ng cellphone ko habang nag-aalalang nakatingin sa akin ang dalawang kaibigan. They didn't know what to do. Sa huli ay humingi ako ng tawad dahil sila pa ang nakasaksi ng pag-iyak ko.

Luha ng pagkabigo. Luha ng panghihinayang. Luha ng pagsuko.

I spent the rest of the day reminiscing our moments together. Ibinigay ko na sa sarili ko iyon. Hindi ko alam kung may mamahalin pa ako gaya ng pagmamahal ko sa kanya, pero sigurado ako na habambuhay siyang espesyal sa akin.

"1, 2, 3..." turo ko sa mga bata. "Now, turn around and then, lift your right arm slowly... then your left arm... okay..." Sumilip ako para tingnan kung ginagaya ba nila ako. "Can you follow?"

"Yes, Doc!" energetic na sigaw nila.

Napangiti ako. "Smile and sing along with the song."

Sumunod naman sila sa sinabi ko. Mabilis turuan ang mga bata dahil focused sila sa pakikinig sa akin. Medyo hirap sa ibang steps pero makukuha naman iyon sa practice. Ngayon ang huling Linggo ng pagpa-practice namin kaya saulo na ng iba ang sayaw.

"Do you want a 15-minute break?" tanong ko nang maka-tatlong pasada kami.

"Yes, Doc!" sagot ng ilan bago tumakbo papunta sa water dispenser.

I sat on the chair and massaged my neck. We'd been practicing for almost an hour now. Ang ibang members ng church ay hinihintay lang na matapos kami dahil natapos na ang service kanina. Ang ilan naman ay um-attend ng afternoon fellowship na aabutin hanggang alas-sais.

Parker, Ynaand Vonn's son, sat next to me. He was pouting cutely.

"Why is my baby boy sad?"

He pouted even more. "I want to go home. I'm tired."

I chuckled. "But today is our last practice. Have you memorized the steps?"

"You can teach me at home," mabilis na sagot niya.

"I have work. You can tell your Mommy to teach you."

"She's a bad dancer."

"Like you?" pang-aasar ko.

Sumimangot siya. "You're old."

I laughed. "There's nothing wrong with being old! You'll get here, too!"

"And you don't have a boyfriend," saad niya ulit na nakapagpasimangot sa akin. "That's because you're a bully, Auntie."

Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. "Then you'll never get yourself a girlfriend when you grow up... if that's the basis."

He stared at me with his mesmerizing green eyes.

"Mommy told me that you're in love with someone who lives in the Philippines."

I grunted. "Your mother is so talkative!"

"Is he handsome, Auntie? Like my Daddy?" tanong niya.

"He's even more handsome!" pang-aasar ko ulit.

He pursed his lips. "Then why didn't you marry him?"

"When did you learn all of this, Parker?" I slightly pinched his cheek. "People get married because they love, trust, and respect each other."

Takang-taka siya. "Don't you love, trust, and respect him?"

"I do!" I smiled. "But God didn't allow our relationship to last. We're happy with our lives now."

"So... God is the antagonist?" he asked, filled with curiosity.

Napatawa ako bago umiling sa kanya. "No! He's the author of our story... and He didn't let us end up with each other. We suffered a lot when we were together." Nag-isip ako ng mas madaling paraan para ipaliwanag iyon sa kanya. "It's like taking an exam; God put us on the test, and we failed."

"Did he hurt you?"

I sighed. "We hurt each other, Parker."

"Oh... love is scary." He chuckled. "When I'm older and you haven't married anyone, Auntie, I'll marry you."

Napangisi ako. "I'm 29 years older than you! I'll be an old hag when you turn 20."

Ngumiti rin siya. "But Auntie..."

"Hmm?" I caressed his hair.

"Mommy told me she also broke up with Daddy even after they had me. They said harsh words to each other, and Mommy never thought they would end up together," he said. "And then she told me the same words you said... about love being a test. The only difference is that she realized that the test isn't done yet. That their love story is still a work in progress."

Natulala ako sa kanya.

"So, there's a possibility that..."—he shrugged his shoulders—"maybe you can still save your relationship, Auntie."

I kissed the top of his head. "Are you really my five-year-old baby boy?"

He pouted.

"You've grown so much. You're already giving me love advice."

With only his words and innocence, Parker touched a certain part of my heart—the one that held hope. I didn't know that Yna and Vonn had broken up before because they loved each other so much.

Tinawag ko ang mga bata at nagpatuloy kami sa pagpa-practice. Nag-meeting pa kami bago ako tuluyang umuwi sa apartment.

I thought about it for the whole week—that perhaps, Calix and I were not done yet. But at the back of my head, I knew it was impossible.

On the day of the Christmas party, I wore a pair of white, high-waisted trousers with my new red turtleneck top tucked into them. I also bundled up in a long black coat and matched it with black pumps. My hair was then pulled back into a low ponytail, and my newly trimmed curtain bangs cascaded down the sides of my face.

I smiled at my own reflection. I don't look like someone who still cries for her ex.

Maaga pa ay nasa church na kami nina Yna. Alas-diez pa ang start ng Christmas program dahil mayroon pa kaming service ngayong umaga pero marami na agad tao. Rinig ko pang narito na raw ang ibang mga bisita. Hindi ko naman maisa-isa dahil ichineck ko pa sa technical kung na-i-save ang kanta ng mga bata.

Bago pa tuluyang magsimula ang service, nagpalitan muna kami ng mga ngiti at pagbati.

It was enough for me. Pakiramdam ko nga ay buo na agad ang araw ko. Dalawang araw pa mula ngayon ang Pasko, pero sa init ng palitan ng pagbati ay para akong inihehele ng langit.

"Vina, thank you for your service the whole year. Thank you for taking good care of everyone's mental health," bati sa akin ng asawa ni Pastor.

I felt appreciated and valued. Hindi malaking bagay pero ipinagpapasalamat nila sa akin.

Nang tumugtog ang Praise and Worship Team, agad kong ipinikit ang mga mata. I wanted to feel His presence. I wanted to feel comforted again. I wanted to thank Him for hearing all my cries.

"In two days, Jesus will celebrate His birthday. Yet, He will be the one to give us a present," simula ng song leader. "Sing praises to God. Give glory to our Risen King. To our Savior. To the Messiah."

I silently prayed. I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for Him.

"All for love the Father gave. For only love could make a way. All for love the heavens cried. For love was crucified..." kanta ng song leader.

Slowly, I lifted my hands to surrender all to Him. Lahat ng pasasalamat. Lahat ng sakit. Lahat ng bigat. Lahat ng dala-dala ko ay isinuko ko sa Kanya. Kasi alam kong hindi ko na kaya nang mag-isa. Kasi alam kong kailangan ko ng tulong.

He didn't bring me this far to abandon me. He offered me a new home in a place I wasn't familiar with.

Sumabay ako sa kanta. Nakapikit. Nakataas ang kamay sa Kanya.

"Oh, how many times have I broken Your heart, but still You forgive... if only I ask..." nabasag ang tinig ko. "And how many times have You heard me pray? Draw near to me..."

I'm giving everything to You, Lord. You understand how I feel. You are mindful of my pain. I'm sure you're aware of how desperately I yearn for someone. Please allow me to move forward in life. Please use me in accordance with Your will.

And please, let me forget Calix. Kahit po masakit. Kahit po parang hindi ko kaya. Please, remove him from my heart... so that I can love someone... so that I can free myself from guilt.

"Everything I need is You, my beginning, my forever... And everything I need is You... is You..."

I didn't realize that I was crying the whole worship service. Ni hindi ko alam kung bakit ang bigat at sakit ulit.

"Girl, okay ka lang?" bulong ni Yna nang makaupo kami.

I nodded. "Sarap mag-worship."

Ngumiti siya sa akin. Hindi ko naman na siya sinagot dahil nagsimula nang mag-message si Pastor.

"Always remember that the man at the cross is the true epitome of love. Nothing could ever compare to Him," he said. "A man's love fades. A man's love is conditional. A man's love is limited..." He paused. "But if you love a man of God, his love for you will be radical. Why?" Lumakas ang boses niya bago tumuro sa taas. "Because his love comes from the provider of love itself."

Tumango ako. I experienced it firsthand. I loved a selfless man. I loved a rightful man who didn't think he was worthy. I loved a man who prayed for me.

I scoffed. Lord, sabi ko pakitanggal sa puso ko, 'di ba? Paano ako mag-aasawa niyan?

Nagpatuloy ang message ni Pastor at taimtim lang kaming nakikinig sa kanya. Makalipas ang ilang sandali ay medyo umingay sa loob dahil sa mga bagong dating na bisita.

Pasimple akong sumilip sa pinto at napangiti nang marami ngang dumalo ngayon. They were walking silently before sitting on the chairs at the back.

Tumagal ng isang oras ang message at ang ilang leaders ay tumayo na para i-prepare ang mga gagamitin mamaya sa Christmas party. Naiwan akong nakaupo sa pangalawang row.

"Who among you has a testimony? Or something inspiring you'd like to share?" tanong ng presider.

Natahimik ang lahat kaya napangiti ako. Kung normal na Linggo ay sigurado akong tatayo ang churchmates ko para mag-testify. Ngayong madaming tao, magkakahiyaan talagang pumunta sa unahan.

"Wow, Engineer!" gulat na saad ng presider habang nakatingin sa kaliwa ko.

I smiled as I looked to my side, but my smile dimmed as I saw who rose from the audience to come forward. My heart began to throb loudly and quickly as recognition enveloped my whole being.

Calix Dylan, the man I wanted to forget, went to the front. His body had grown that no one could stand next to him without feeling intimidated. His hair was still long, and he wore it in a low, messy bun.

He looked professional yet rugged in his white polo—first two buttons undone—gray pants, and black coat.

I swallowed a huge lump in my throat when he finally arrived at the platform. Para akong nahipnotismo dahil hindi ko maalis ang mga mata ko sa kanya. Halos hindi na ako nakahinga sa kaba.

"Good morning," he uttered in his usual low voice.

My lips quivered. God, I miss him so much.

"Uhm... I have a fair share of reasons to thank God; He's the one who has directed me ever since I was a child, and He's the one who knows everything there is to know about me and still loves me." Seryosong ang mukha niya habang nagsasalita. Ni hindi mo maiisip na tungkol sa Diyos ang sinasabi niya kung hindi mo siya naririnig.

Hindi ko alam kung may ideya siya na narito ako, pero dahil hindi siya tumitingin sa akin ay malaya akong natititigan ang mukha niya.

Parang panaginip... parang pangarap lang.

Other than looking more opulent and intimidating, nothing much changed about him. Parehas na buhok. Parehas na mata. Parehas na timbre ng boses.

This was the day I had been looking forward to. 'Yong makikita ko ulit siya. 'Yong maririnig ko ulit ang boses niya. I prepared myself for years. I prepared my heart. Ang sabi ko, kapag nakita ko siya, kaya ko na. Wala na akong dapat maramdamang panghihinayang.

But as I looked at him, I realized how much I wasted my time trying to remove him from my system.

"I wasn't particularly vocal about my relationship with God. I never told my friends that I grew up attending services at church every Sunday... and that I learned piano because it was my ministry in our church back then." He slightly tilted his head and a smile passed across his lips.

"I only tell a woman about it," mahinang aniya. "The angel sent by God to strengthen me... to urge me to reach my full potential... and to make me feel loved and supported."

Nanubig ang mga mata ko. He muttered those words slowly as if taking his time to remember everything.

Nag-angat siya ng tingin at sa oras na iyon ay agad na nagtama ang mga mata namin. Walang bahid ng gulat ang mukha niya na para bang alam niya na naroon ako. His lips parted slightly and his eyes softened a bit.

Hindi ako makapag-iwas ng tingin kahit pa ramdam ko na ang panunubig ng mga mata ko. Calix was in front of me. After years of longing for him... he was finally here... right before my eyes.

While staring deeply at me, he said, "But along with my long list of things to be grateful for, I thanked the heavens because..." His eyes glistened as he took a deep breath.

"Because... I love a woman of God."

***
Song Used:
All for love – Hillsong United