CHAPTER 46- Focus

Demi's POV 

        I slammed the door as I got out of the car as we pulled in the driveway. 

"Demi c'mon don't be m-" 

"Don't be mad? Really Wilmer?! Do me a favor and DON'T talk to me right now." I marched into the house and walked towards the stairs. 

"No! I am gonna talk to you! I don't get why you're pissed. You tell me to be honest and not sugarcoat anything yet here you are getting mad at me for doing what you said?!" 

I turned on my heel and abruptly shoved his chest, "Don't you dare blame this on me Wilmer! Don't pretend that you didn't want last night to happen just as much as I did." 

He barked a laugh, "Oh please baby, at least I can control myself and deal with my shit instead of trying to forget it." 

I rolled my eyes, "Really? You deal with your shit? Pretty sure a bottle of vodka deals with it for you!" 

His hands curled and he stepped forward. In that moment, I saw something in him I'd never seen before, and flinched backwards. Wilmer's eyes were full of horror. 

"Demi... I wasn't.... I didn't-" 

I took off running up the stairs into the bedroom,slamming the door as I collapsed onto the bed, breathing hard. Suddenly the jacket I was wearing felt like steal bands around my chest and I ripped it off along with the shirt underneath it, falling back against the cool sheets in my bra. I breathed in heavy short bursts, no matter how much I tried to take deep breaths my body felt like it was turning inside out as the panic attack ran it's course, wave after wave. My breathing shortened even more, and black spots erupted into my vision. 

"WILMER!" I screamed out, my voice ripping through three octaves as I curled into a fetal position and tried to focus on anything but the sheer panic inside me. 

I heard footsteps thumping up the stairs, and the door burst open. 

"MOM!" I dug my head into the pillows. 

"Izzy get your father." I managed to choke out, but felt her arms wrap around me. 

"Mom breathe. Focus on breathing in and out. You're okay." I slowly came back to reality as my heart beat slowed and my lungs expanded with air over and over. Izzy rubbed my back soothingly as I sobbed into her shoulder. "It's okay mom, you're okay." 

It took about ten more minutes, but I was finally able to stop crying and pull from my obviously concerned daughter. 

"Thanks Iz, I'm sorry you had to see that." I murmured, wiping my eyes. 

She shook her head, "It's not your fault. I get them too, it's okay." 

I sighed, and frowned as a thought occurred to me, "Where's your dad?" 

Izzy bit her lip, "He was uhm... he was walking out the door when I got home. He sped out in his car when I heard you scream." 

"Fuck." I buried my head in my hands, knowing that he was heading straight for a bar. 

"Mom?"

I looked up, "Yeah baby?" 

She bit down on her bottom lip, "Are you and daddy getting a divorce?" 

My mouth dropped open and this time it was me who pulled her into my arms, "No Izzy. We've got alot of things we need to work through. We love hard but also fight hard, it's hard to balance the two and walk away when you need to breathe." 

Izzy snuggled into my chest, "Then why did he leave?" 

I stroked her hair, "Your dad deals with his feelings differently than others, we all do. He doesn't like showing what he sees as weakness, so he leaves for a bit to deal with it. He'll be back." 

She sighed, "How are you supposed to deal with them?" 

I furrowed my brow as her question struck a nerve rooted deep into my past, in my dark days. I'd asked that same question when I took a blade to my skin or felt the burn of the vodka that I used to swallow the pills in my throat. 

"There's alot of different ways, both good and bad. You just have to find out what works."

Izzy moved her head to rest on her hand supported by her elbow, "How do you deal with them?" 

I shrugged, "I used to take them out on myself, through physical things that could numb that pain that Iw as running from. Now I use music, and therapy, I talk things out and work through them. That's the best way in my opinion, creative outlets and talking to someone." 

She nodded thoughtfully, but didn't speak again. 

"Izzy?" 

She looked up, and I saw a flash of emotion in her eyes that I couldn't place. 

"Is there anything you want to tell me?" 

There is was again, I knew I wasn't imagining it. She's hiding something. 

"No." Her voice squeaked, she'd been doing that when she lied since she was seven. 

"Because you know that you can talk me anything, and I'll be there for you." 

Izzy nodded and laughed nervously, "I'm fine mom." 

I smiled, "Just making sure." 

~*~

        I sat on the couch with a blanket wrapped around me trying to stay awake for Wilmer to come home. No matter how mad at him I was I wanted to make sure he was here safe. Soon, headlights washed through the windows and footsteps thumped outside. Wilmer walked in, and stopped short when he saw me on the couch. 

"Hi." I didn't know why I sounded so small, I was supposed to be the one pissed at him. 

"Hey." 

I stood up, and wrapped the blanket tighter around me, "I was just making sure you got home safe. Goodnight." 

His eyes were tortured as I began to walked around him to the stairs. As I passed him, he touched my arm. 

"Demi wait." I looked up, not saying anything but waiting for him to speak. "I... I'm sorry." 

 I nodded, "I'll see you in the morning. The spare bedroom has fresh sheets." 

He just looked down and nodded as I padded up the stairs with tears in my eyes that I hid from him. 

        As I laid in bed, I waited for his footsteps to come up the stairs and go into the bedroom. They came upstairs, but instead he walked into the master, and over to the bed. I kept my eyes closed as he leaned down and gently kissed my cheek, pulling the blankets tighter around my shoulders. 

"Te amo mi amor." He breathed, before walking out again and shutting the door. 

I rolled over and rubbed my face in frustration. 

Why do I have to be so God damned in love with this man? 

I knew I wasn't going to get any sleep, so against my better judgment I got up and walked into the hallway, peaking into the spare bedroom. 

Wilmer was laying on his side facing me with his eyes closed, a pillow against his chest where normally I would be. I rocked back on my heels for a moment, before tip-toeing into the room. I gently got onto the bed and moved the pillow, ignoring it when he opened his eyes and watched me with curious eyes. After I got settled with his arms around me I looked up and kissed him softly with a small smile. 

"I love you too." 

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I smiled really big writing this. 

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-Rachel