Teegan

The little kids go to bed at 8P.M. that evening and when my mom comes back downstairs after tucking them in, she strolls into the kitchen where I'm sitting, drinking coffee. Her hair is down again and she's wearing jeans and a t-shirt. So different from when we had people here for the cookout. Then, she was wearing a long, floral print dress with her hair in a bun. Now she looks more normal. Comfortable.

"Teegan, honey. We haven't really gotten to talk, have we?" she asks right way, pouring herself a coffee.

I sip mine and shrug. "It's okay."

"Oh, no, it's not. We have so much to talk about."

"We do?" I ask her.

"Yes. I want this summer to be different. For you."

Different from what? I feel like asking her. From the one week a year she usually sees me? Most of that week I spend hanging out with her kids, and her and I barely spend any time together.

"Okay," I say anyway. 'Not worth the fight' is my new mantra.

"You know how I took over the paddle boat rental business last summer?" she asks, which isn't what I was expecting her to say next.

I knew about this. Last summer it was all she was talking about. Francis was helping her get it all ready to open. The paddle boat rentals were owned by an older couple for the last forty years but last summer they posted a sign that they were retiring. My mom thought it would be a good project for her. Running a business at the pier? I thought she was crazy.

"Yeah," I answer, wrapping my hands around the blue mug in front of me.

"We've expanded and its really going well. We have some local teenagers who usually work down there but we have the Friday shift open. I usually work it, but-"

"You want me to work all summer?" I interrupt her, suddenly feeling annoyed.

"No. Absolutely not. If you want to, though the Friday shift is yours. You can meet people. Talk to the locals and the tourists. Make some money," she tells me. She thinks this is not a big deal.

"What about babysitting?" I ask, then bring my mug to my lips again.

"Oh, the kids go to daycare a couple days a week now. We were thinking you could hang out with them once a week, if you were up to it? No pressure, of course. I'm usually at the rental shop on Saturdays-"

So, she's got this all planned out for me. She wanted me to come here this summer to work for her and help with her kids, once again. This time I'm here long enough to really help her out.

"Okay, whatever," I say, just so she stops talking.

"Don't be angry, Teegan. I really do want this to be a good summer for you. Who knows when we'll see you after this," she goes on.

I look up to meet her eyes. They are dark, almost black, like my own. We are so similar looking, it's creepy. "I'm not going to drop off the planet. I'm going to college."

She smiles and pats my hand from across the table. "I know. But I'm really glad you're here. New York is very far away."

She doesn't know how she made me feel, when I was a kid, and all the years that followed. She thought a couple calls a year and a week in the summer was enough. I acted like it was. And my life in Seattle with my dad was good. I never told her that she made me feel unwanted. A girl needs her mom, and I sure did a lot of the time, but I never wanted her to feel bad about leaving me. Now, I have a sneaky suspicion she's figured it out and now she thinks she can fix it - fix us, this summer. I feel like she's mistaken.

    I wake up two mornings later to a thunderstorm. I have always liked storms. They are so powerful. I know their strength and always wished I had that much strength, or even a fraction of it. I know to respect storms, but appreciate them. They represent change, and I've  had a lot of that. I'd sit outside on the back deck at my dad's house and watch the lightening, when I was younger, just taking it all in.

Now it feels like the storm is just outside the beach house doors. It's a big storm. Both the kids are crying when I go downstairs. It's only 8A.M. and it's a Monday, so I'm surprised they are all in the kitchen.

"It's just thunder," my mom is saying to Oscar, who is covering his ears.

"It's too loud," he answers, his face tear-streaked.

"Morning," I announce my arrival to the room.

"Teeeegan, it's stormin'!" Josie yells. They always seem to drag out my name a bit when they say it.

"Yeah I heard it," I tell her, nodding.

"Do you want waffles?" my mom asks me, as if the kids aren't crying.

"Sure. Thanks."

"Teegan, are you afraid of the storm?" Oscar wants to know.

I look over at them at them, at the end of the table. "No. There's nothing to be scared of, it's nature."

"What if the house blows away?" Josie asks.

I let out a laugh. "It won't. After we eat we can sit outside and I'll show you it's okay?"

They both look at their mom. Our mom. She nods.

Twenty minutes later, the little ones put on their boots and follow me outside. I've spent so little time with them but they trust me and it's crazy. Oscar reaches for my hand as soon as there's a crack of thunder. Josie whines a little. We sit in a row on the top step of the deck. It's raining a bit, but not too hard. The storm is over the water. It's crazy that this is the house they live in all the time. Right on the water.

"Are you still scared?" I ask them, looking down at their little faces.

"A little bit," Oscar says.

"Me too," Josie agrees.

There's a crack of thunder and they both jump a little, but then giggle when I smile at them.

"Okay, we will sit a little bit longer."

Half an hour later the storm has mostly passed. It's still raining a bit and I grab their hands and we run down the beach, getting wet and sandy. They both giggle like crazy, even after Josie trips and lands on her face in the wet sand. I give her a piggy back ride back to the house, and when we go back through the back door, Mom is giving me a look that I can't quiet figure out. She looks irritated but also... proud? It's a weird look.

"Mama, we got a little dirty," Oscar tells her, kicking off his blue rain boots.

"I fell in the sand," Josie says and lands with a plop as I lower her to the ground. "But it was fun and it wasn't scary."

That makes my mom smile. "That's good. But you both need to go get cleaned up. We have to leave soon for daycare."

Josie whines a bit looks up at me. "I want to stay with Teegan."

"Teegan is fun," Oscar says plainly, but runs out of the room and towards the stairs, I assume to get cleaned up.

"Go on," mom says to Josie, nudging her a bit. "Wash up and get changed."

The little blond girl looks up at her and whines again, but then slowly leaves as well.

I'm left standing there, my hair a bit damp and my shirt covered in rain drops. My mom glances over and smiles, but then turns and walks back through to the kitchen. I can't tell if she's mad at me for taking the kids out in the rain or what, so I slip out of my sandals and follow her.

"I was hoping they'd grow attached to you this summer," she begins, her back to me. "But it's only your third day here."

"I honestly can't tell if you're happy or upset right now," I admit, running my fingers through my hair.

"They've been afraid of storms as long as I can remember. And they've never gone outside during one," she says, finally facing me again. Her expression is still a mix I can't read. "They trust you. It's fascinating."

"Oh, well, I mean..."

"I'm not mad, Teegan. I am just already thinking about how they are going to be affected at the end of the summer, when you leave." Her words are sharp.

"You're the one who wanted me to come-" I start, but she puts her hand up.

"Let's just make it a good summer, alright?"

I nod and we leave it at that.

Upstairs in my bedroom a bit later, once everyone is gone and the house is too quiet, I find my phone and text Kiara. We talked a bit last night but she was really busy finishing up her packing. This morning, she was getting on her flight to New York City. I'm not sure where she'd be right now, but I know it's three hours ahead of California, so it's already afternoon there. Her first day at the internship is Wednesday. She's staying with a relative in a high rise apartment for the summer.

    Hey girl. Hope you're getting settled in in the big city. Call me later?

Just in case she's on her phone, I wait a few minutes. She doesn't text back, so I click into Instagram and scroll for a bit. I see some photos of the twins, back in Seattle. Jenna - my dad's wife - is very active on social media. She posts every day with whatever the twins are up to. Her parents live in Florida and appreciate the daily dose of Annalyn and Thomas. I mean, I guess now that I'm far away, I do too. They are smiling for the camera, both of them sitting on carrousel horses. I see a photo that Kiara posted, out the airplane window. The caption says "Here I Go." Smiling, I double click to heart it and keep scrolling. Of course, a few more posts down, I freeze on a photo of Ansen Hendrix. It's a side profile but I know it's him right away. We dated for most of senior year, he broke it off in March, not really giving a good reason. A few weeks later he was all over an (ex)friend of mine, Laney Griffin.

Ansen is the dark, brooding type. He plays guitar and didn't have a ton of friends when we met, but we'd known each other since tenth grade and he asked me out the first week of senior year, to get coffee. For whatever reason, we just worked together. Neither of us were overly clingy but we hung out a lot and he took my virginity after the homecoming dance. He was always nice to Kiara and my other friends, too. I never knew if we were going to work after we graduated, but I hoped so. And then I found out that my mom wanted me to go to California for the summer, and a week after I told Ansen, he broke up with me.

Now, I stare at this photo for a bit too long. I really liked him. Like, really. My dad liked him, too. But after the breakup I swore up and down that it hadn't really been all that serious. It was, and I was kidding myself. Stupid Ansen.

Closing the app, I send a text to my dad, just checking in, and then put my phone back down on the dresser. I still haven't unpacked, so I figure now is as soon a time as any. I unzip my bags and look at my clothes. I mostly brought shorts and tops, a few summer dresses. I figured if I needed anything I could just go buy it. As I empty the bags and fill the drawers, then hang a few things in the closet, it's like a weight is lifted from my shoulders.

I'm here, and like my mom said, I'm just going to try to make it a good summer.