Teegan

I'm nervous, walking down the sand back towards Cohen's house. This is me meeting his mom and his sister for the first time. I don't really know anything about his mom, besides that she let her eighteen year old son live on his own for the summer. My heart is beating fast and my hands feel sweaty as I turn to cut through to the backyard, and as I push the back door open, I take in a deep breath.

The house smells amazing. Cohen is not a cook. He barely eats cereal and frozen waffles and sometimes a burger. We've been eating meals with my mom and getting food from the fast food place by the pier. So now it's strange to smell something so good as I slip out of my shoes.

    "Hello there," a woman with dark hair in a pony tail and wearing an apron says to me.

  I freeze and then force myself to smile and take a breath. "Hi."

    "You must be Teegan."

I nod, and right at that moment Cohen appears in the doorway. I instantly feel better seeing him, and he grins at me and starts towards me. When his hand slips into mine, I really relax.

    "Mom, Teegan. Teegan, my mom. She's cooking a full dinner here, I forgot to tell you." He's smiling so big and I can just tell he's happy. Like, really happy.

    "It smells amazing," I say quickly.

Cohen's mom smiles and doesn't come towards me, offering a hand shake or a hug. She stays back and observes us for a minute before turning back towards the stove. I'm okay with this.

Cohen leads me into the living room and introduces me to his sister, Margo. She's younger than us and looks over with narrowed eyes. I find myself hoping she likes me, which is a new feeling for me. This whole summer I've pretty much not cared if anyone liked me or wanted to be my friend.

    "Marg, this is Teegan," Cohen says, looking at his sister.

    "Hey." She's smiling but is holding back, I can tell.

    "Hi, so good to meet you," I say anyway.

     "Kids! Two minutes until dinner! Cohen, come set the table!" We hear their mom shout from the kitchen a moment later.

    "Duty calls," he says in my direction and then touches my arm before turning to leave the room again.

     "So, how'd you meet Cohen?" Margo asks me, as soon as he's out of the room.

  I'm still standing awkwardly even though I've spent a lot of time in this room over the last couple of weeks. Margo lived here for years and now I feel like this place is hers and not mine.

    "We both work at my mom's rental hut...? Uh, down by the pier?" I answer with questions, which I regret instantly.

    "Oh. Your mom bought it last summer?" she asks back.

   I nod quickly.

    "I left this place in the spring and it felt like I was getting a second chance back in San Diego," Margo tells me. "I liked it here fine, but going back was good for us. But not Cohen. He was angry and sad and never quite adjusted... but now I see him and he's just a different person. I don't know if it's this place, or if it's you."

I am holding my breath because I am pretty sure I know the answer. I don't reply in time and then Cohen is back in the doorway, telling us to come sit down to eat. The way he's looking at me makes my heart beat too fast, his eyes wide and his lips in a half smile.

Dinner is amazing. I sit next to Cohen and he holds my hand under the table for most of the meal. He glances at me a lot and smiles while we listen to his mom talk about her new job and his sister talk about her friends. Everything feels so good that I forget that it's not completely real. I'm meeting his mom and sister for the first time, but it might be the last time, too. I shut down earlier in the week when Cohen wanted to talk about the end of summer. I don't even want to think about it, so I pretend it's not happening. The truth is I have under three weeks and I haven't even told Cohen that, yet.

"I also wanted to talk about the house," Cohen's mom tells him sort of out of no where, while Margo is finishing up her piece of cherry pie. 

It's about an hour after we sat down to eat, and the rest of us are done our dessert. It's awkwardly quiet in the kitchen, suddenly. I offered to help clean up from dinner, but his mom said she will happily do it.

    "No," Cohen says, quiet at first. "We don't have to talk about that right now."

    "Cohen, please. It doesn't need to be a big thing. It's just... I have to sell the house. I gave you the chance to come back and spend the summer here-"

    "You can't just kick me out. This is... it's..." He's breathing too heavily all of a sudden and I watch helplessly as he stands, turns and walks towards the living room.

His mom gets up and follows him. She should just leave him alone, but she doesn't. I know that if someone is upset and walks away, you don't chase after them, you give them space.

    "Cohen, honey, I came here to see how you're doing. I came because your sister misses you. And I came to see what types of things need to get done around the house before I can list it," his mom goes on, her voice loud enough that Margo and I can still hear her from the kitchen.

   I look at Margo, who shrugs. She doesn't say anything yet.

    "Can't you just stop talking about it?" I hear Cohen ask his mom, and I can picture him there, getting more and more upset.

    "That's not going to fix anything. In a few weeks, the Realtor will be here to go through the house, and-"

    "Stop!" he yells, and then I hear the bang.

I jump up and go into the living room, where Cohen is sitting on the sofa, staring at the wall. I see the TV remote is on the floor, across the room, and there's a dent in the wall. Cohen is breathing even heavier and he covers his face with his hands and takes a deep breath. It's hard to see him like this, trying to calm down. His mom turns and leaves the room and a moment later I cross the room and sit beside him.

I want to make him feel better. I want to tell him that I'm here and we're okay. But all I can do is take his hand and let him hold mine.

Five minutes later he stands up, still holding my hand, and leads me back through the house and out the back door. We walk side by side down the yard and through a side path through a neighbour's yard. Once our feet are in the hot sand, I feel him relax, just a bit. I'll stay with him all night and I'll hold his hand and I'll wait until he wants to talk.

I've never seen him like this before. Even the night he got into a fight over me, it wasn't like this. This was him, angry, sad, lost. He threw the TV remote across the room and it dented the wall, as I stood in the kitchen, next to his sister. Margo was holding her breath, her eyes closed. I waited until he had become completely quiet before I went into the living room to see if he was okay. But I'm still not sure he's okay, as we walk down the beach together.

We're laying side by side in the sand ten minutes later and Cohen is Cohen again. He's calm. His breathing has steadied. Neither of us have said a word.

  "Teeg," he finally whispers, our faces close.

I know his face like I know my own. I've studied it over the last few weeks. I know where his freckles are and that he has a little mole on his chin. I know his eyes and what they look like when he's excited, and worried and sad. I know that he had a major panic attack tonight and it's killing him thinking about the summer ending and me leaving and his mom selling his house. And I know what he's going to say now.

    "Yeah?" I answer anyway.

    "I'm sorry I freaked out like that. I know it worried you, and... I'm sorry."

  I shake my head and lean in to kiss him. "Don't be sorry."

    "I am, though. My mom coming here was supposed to be a nice visit and you were getting to meet her and Margo, but... I ruined it," he says, his eyes flicking around my face.

    "You didn't," I tell him. "This is all... it's hard."

    "It's hard because... I-"

    "Don't," I say quickly, putting my hand up to his mouth.

   He smiles but it fades away in an instant. "Don't what?"

    "Cohen, don't say you love me."

    "How'd you know I was going to say that?" he asks, then grins for a second. "I guess you know me pretty well."

    "I do. But I knew you were going to say it because..." I can't say it, either. That would be hypocritical.

  He nods anyway. "I know."

    "If we say it, it's real. And if it's real... it's..." I let my voice trail off.

    "It's real, Teegan. We both know that."

  It feels like someone is sitting on my chest. "I wasn't supposed to get attached to you, or to this place."

    "Sorry." He's avoiding my eyes now, and I don't like it.

I try to take a deep breath but it gets caught in my chest and I feel tears piling up behind my eyelids. If I blink they'll spill out and I can't be the one freaking out now. I have to be strong.

    "Teeg," he whispers again, his hand coming up to my face. "You're my favourite summer surprise. You're not the reason I came back to Avila but you're the reason I stayed, and survived. My brain knew it was temporary but I wanted you anyway, because my heart... it needed you."

    "Stop," I whisper, and I can't hold back my tears for another second. "Shit, Cohen."

  He laughs and wipes a tear with his thumb. "I'm sad, too. Just so you know. Back at the house I was mad, and frustrated and everything else, but I'm also sad."

    "I know."

    "I know we have a few weeks left, but even saying that out loud makes my heart feel like it's being torn in pieces," he admits.

    "My dad booked my flight back to Seattle for the 20th. I have to be in New York by the 26th." These are not words I've said out loud in weeks. Cohen always knew I was leaving, but not the dates. I've known the dates for over a week but I didn't tell him.

He lays back and looks up at the sky again, too quiet. I watch him as he breathes in and exhales slowly. I need to know what he's thinking, but I don't ask.

Tonight, we won't talk about me leaving anymore. I can tell Cohen doesn't want to. Tonight, we will stay out here all night if we want. And then we'll try to makes the best of the next two weeks.