Cohen

It doesn't matter what I want, because I had to do what was right for her.

   Loving Teegan came so naturally that it wasn't hard or complicated. I remember the moment I realized that I loved her and I wish I could relive it now, because today sucks. But it doesn't matter that I love her or what I'd much prefer she was by my side right now, because holding her back, keeping her in Avila when she needs to go, would have been far too selfish. When she came to the hospital and I saw her beautiful, sad face - I almost lost it. I almost ran across the room and fell apart in her arms. But she would have tried to stay and take care of me. I had to let her go.

   Today, Wednesday, the doctors are attempting to remove the breathing tubes and lower the sedatives and see if Rex wakes up. They think everything is looking good and they have high hopes, but I'm so scared. I'm terrified of that small chance that he doesn't wake up. I can't imagine living without Rex.

   I went home last night to try to sleep. But all I could think about was Rex in the hospital, in a coma, and Teegan, back in Seattle. Rex's parents have been strong, and hopeful, while I've been weak and depressing. They've let me stay. They've put me on the visitor list. They've hugged me and comforted me. Rex's brother, Trav, is fifteen and he's been a mess. I've tried to comfort him but we ended up just crying together.

   Today, we need good news.

   Why did I let Teegan leave without even saying goodbye to her? My brain is mush and I haven't slept in three days.

  I can't believe this happened to Rex. He has to be okay. He's been on a ventilator keeping him alive for four days. That's too long. He's in a coma. He looks nothing like my best friend, with all the tubes and wires going into his body. I want to hear his laugh. I want to see him open his eyes.

   Yes, we need good news.

   Isaac drove me back to the hospital this morning. He feels horrible that this happened to Rex, though it wasn't his fault. It wasn't anyone's fault besides the stupid driver of the other car. I heard he was tired and falling asleep at the wheel and drove into the lane that their car was in. Fast. Isaac won't even make eye contact with me as we drove back and as I was getting out, he asked me to text him any news. I agreed.

   Now, I'm signing in at the ICU desk with Peg, one of the nurses.

   "Cohen, good morning," she says, smiling at me.

   "I hope so," I say, then take in a deep breath.

   "I hear we are going to try to wake him up," Peg goes on. She looks so hopeful. I felt I felt that hopeful.

   I nod, then sign in and Peg buzzes me in. I have to walk past another desk and down two hallways until I get to Rex's room. The glass doors have the curtains pulled closed inside, but I can see Trav standing inside. I'm about to knock lightly when one of the doctors who has been with Rex since the accident walks up beside me.

   "Today's the day," he tells me in his deep voice. He's older than my mom and greying, but he's pretty friendly and has been optimistic.

  "Yeah," I answer, my voice quiet.

  "Let's go in."

  Rex's parents and Trav are there, along with another nurse. Rex looks about the same, but his hair has been brushed. I get a sudden rush of anxiety, as if there's no way he's going to just wake up and be okay. He looks horrible. Bruised. Trav pats my back and doesn't say anything, but Mrs. Rexton greets me.

  "Good morning, Cohen." She's smiling, sort of.

  "Yeah, good morning," I reply.

  "Did you sleep?" Trav finally asks me.

  I shrug, leaving it at that.

  "Dr. Watson, Peter's stats are still looks good. No infections and he's responding to the meds," Nurse Calla tells the doctor.

  "That's good news," Dr. Watson says, and he's nodding. "Shall we give it a go, then?"

  "What happens? You just hope he wakes up?" Trav asks, loudly.

  "I'll lessen the IV that is keeping him under and we will monitor him for an hour or two. The breathing tube can come out once he's awake."

   This all seems so normal for the doctor and even the nurse. They nod at each other like they do this every day. I guess they likely do. But this is my best friend. He's being way too casual about this. Trav steps back, as if he's ready to run. I put my arm around his shoulder, so he stays. He nods at me, then takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.

  I watch Dr. Watson carefully as he goes over to the machine and starts pressing buttons. Then I squeeze my eyes shut. They said his brain activity has been good. He has a broken femur which was dealt with in surgery. I'm just begging God - I don't usually pray but I am today - that Rex well wake up.

  The doctor turns back to us and smiles. "It could be a little while. The nurse will come get me when he's awake." 

  When. That is a good word. Not if. When.

   Mrs. Rexton thanks the doctor and goes in close the Rex, immediately picking up his hand and holding it. She's talking to him quietly and even while I stay back, with Trav, I am whispering for him to wake up, too. I am crossing my fingers and begging that this works. Trav is standing but I'm almost supporting his weight. His eyes are closed. He's praying, too.

  "Peter," Mrs. Rexton breathes out, likely at least twenty minutes later.

  I have no concept of time anymore.

  Trav and I both step forward in disbelief. Rex's eyes are open, slightly. He looks so scared but right away I can tell he recognizes us. He lifts the hand his mom is not holding and trying to pull at the breathing tube.

  "Peter, it's okay, we're here," his mom says, tears in her eyes. "Go get the nurse." She says this to her husband.

  Rex blinks a few times and I can tell he's confused. He can't talk and he probably doesn't know why he's waking up in a hospital or that he lost five days of his life in a coma.

  The same nurse shuffles back in and is smiling. She starts talking to Rex and explaining things to him and telling him she is so happy to see him awake. His eyes are just darting around the room and when they stop at me, I can see he just wants answers. I start crying, and I have to look away.

  "I paged the doctor, he might be a few minutes to come down. In the mean time, can you squeeze my hand, Peter?" Nurse Calla asks him, slipping her hand into his.

  He does it, lightly.

  "Good. The tube in your throat has been helping you breathe for a few days, but I think the doctor's going to get that out, okay?" she tells him.

  He tries to nod.

  "Are you in pain right now, Peter?" the nurse goes on.

  He thinks about it for a minute. He doesn't know how to answer.

  "It's okay, you just nod yes or no."

  Finally, he nods yes. I almost can't take this, but I fight to stay as calm as I can. He's okay. This is a good sign, that he is awake and answering questions. The nurse presses a few buttons on the machine to his right.

  "This will give you some more pain meds for now, okay?" she tells him.

  He nods again.

  "You guys can talk to him. I'll get the doctor in here soon," the nurse finishes and slips past me to leave again.

  "Oh, Peter. I'm so happy you're awake," his mom starts. "You were in an accident, on Friday night."

  The nurse already told him this, but Rex nods, keeping his eyes on his mom.

  "It's Wednesday now, Peter. We've been here the whole time, Cohen too," she goes on, looking over at me.

  Rex looks even more confused, the expression on his face painful now. I can't hide my emotions but I don't have to. Not here. Stepping forward, I get closer to Rex's bed. 

  "Hey, dude. I'm so glad you're okay," I tell him, after a deep breath.

  He gives a nod - because it's all he can do, really - and then it feels like everything moves in slow motion for a few minutes, until the doctor appears again in doorway. He closes the door behind him and pulls the curtain closed, then spins around to face Rex.

  "This is such a great sight, Peter," he begins, clapping his hands together. He's a very enthusiastic doctor. "I know Nurse Calla and your family have been talking to you, but I'll just give you the run down. We turned off the medicine that was sort of keeping you out, so your body could heal. And the great news is that you're awake and seem to be doing well, yeah?"

  Rex nods, once again. I'm getting pretty irritated with everyone calling him Peter, so I'm sure he is, too.

  "So my next goal is to take that breathing tube out. Besides your femur, which was repaired in surgery, you had a slight concussion. Things look pretty good now overall. Let's get that out."

  The doctor knows what he's doing, I know this. I'm still scared and I can tell Rex is scared, too. I keep my eyes on him and he stares at me, holding eye contract, so I silently promise him he'll be okay.

  "Alright. I just have to remove the tape here..." he explains, as he starts peeling back the tape near the tube. "And then...I'll just pull this out and you'll have to take a deep breath for me and then cough as it's coming out."

  It feels like some sort of monumental moment and Rex's family and I are holding our breath until Rex coughs and is clearly breathing on his own. Holy shit, he's okay.

  I can breathe, but I'm still holding my breath. My best friend coughs a bit more and then looks up and smiles at me, and I'm done. Tears start flowing again and I'm so overwhelmingly happy that I rush towards him and wrap my arms around him. He grunts and Trev laughs and in that moment I know that it might be a long road, but Rex is going to be okay.