Teegan

College life is crazy.

   I have classes all day and for some reason I took on an extra bit of responsibilities by agreeing to work in the college library during week two of classes. It's a student position and it's two evenings a week, on my less busy days. The money is barely worth it, but I couldn't say no when it was offered to me. I'm mostly re-shelving books and pointing people in the right direction when needed.

   It's almost a month into college when things finally feel like they are calming down. Besides talking to my dad at least once a week and my mom even more often, it's school-work-study-hang out. I am sleeping okay, which is the most surprising part. But every time my head hits the pillow, I lay there for an hour or more thinking about those eight weeks I spent in Avila. I think about Josie and her cute little face and Oscar and his stories, and the rental hut, and Luke and Rex and Cohen. Of course, Cohen.

   I told him I love him, that night that everything went crazy. That night, two days before I was supposed to leave. We had a plan. We were going to Facetime and video chat and fly to each other on weekends, whenever we could. But then that call came from Rex's mom and Cohen shut down on me. It's crazy that that was a month ago, now that I'm deep in this new routine of my new life.

   The way he closed himself off from me after the accident really shook me. I tried, consistently, for five days, to be there for him. It was bad timing. It was his best friend. I get that. But he looked me in the eye at the hospital that day and told me to leave. Now he expects me to forgive him?

  But of course I still think about him and wonder if he's okay. I want to talk to him. I want to hear his voice and tell him that I miss him too. That I still love him. Because I'm pretty sure I do.

   Instead of that, I text him. It's been a long time. He's sent a lot of texts, but over the last week there have been fewer, maybe two. They are still asking me to call him. They are still saying how sorry he is for the way we ended things.

   I'm walking across campus at 9P.M. after the library closed, back towards my dorm. My phone is in my hand and I pull up his messages. There are like twenty of them that I've read and not answered. Now, just I start typing.

   Hey. I know it's been a few weeks and I haven't replied. It's been busy getting into the flow of things here.

   I hit send before I can back out. I stare at my phone until those three dots appear so I know he's replying. I didn't say I miss him, or that I want him to reply. But he's replying right away.

   Cohen: Omg, hey. How are you?

   Me: I'm good. Busy. I just got off work and I'm walking back to my dorm.

   Cohen: That's awesome, Teegan. Things are good? How's school?

   Me: It's a lot. I barely have time to study and work and hang out with Kiara and my roommate, but we're managing I guess.

   Cohen: Are you sleeping? I mean, in general?

   I smile, because I'm not even surprised he's asking this. It feels so natural to talk to him like this, even though it's been a long time. Even though I left how I did.

   Me: I am, actually. Not too bad.

   Cohen: That makes one of us. I'm back in San Diego at my mom's.

   Me: Oh, well, at least you get to see your family every day, right? Oh shit how's Rex?

   Cohen: He's doing good. He just left last week for L.A., he had to go late but the doctors said his recovery was fast and really great.

   Me: I'm really glad he's okay.

   Cohen: Yeah, me too. I'm really glad you texted tonight, Teeg.

   The nickname just about kills me. Because this is texting, it feels impersonal. I might be ready to talk to him on the phone, but I'm not sure. This is okay for now. It feels good to be back in contact with him at least.

   Me: I'm almost back to my dorm. I know Kiara's waiting for me so we can go to this party she was talking about.

   Cohen: Okay. Well, maybe we can talk again soon?

   Me: Yeah. I can call you tomorrow, maybe?

   It doesn't feel weird or wrong to suggest this, so maybe I am ready. I haven't been dwelling on this since I have been so busy, but now that I'm talking to him, my chest aches. My heart is pounding. I miss him and I want to talk to him again.

   Cohen: Yeah? I'd love that.

   Me: Okay, night Cohen.

   Cohen: G'night

   I can't focus at the party. It's just a bunch of freshman hanging out off campus at someone's house and drinking. Kiara has a beer with this guy she apparently likes, from one of her classes. I sit on the deck in the back yard and drink a bottle of water. I talk to some people. But now that I've let Cohen re-enter my life, I want more.

   It's a fifteen minute walk back to our dorm, in the dark, a bit after midnight. Kiara is going on and on about Lyle, the guy was was flirting with the whole time. I'm only half listening.

   "Hey, you okay?" she finally asks. I've been waiting for this.

   "Yeah."

   "You seem distracted. Or, like, upset about something. Didn't you have fun tonight?" she goes on.

   I can see our dorm building in the distance and I can't wait to get inside and flop down onto my bed. The night air is cool now and I'm not even wearing a sweater.

   "Yeah, it was good," I say anyway.

   "But?"

   "I didn't tell you... but... I talked to Cohen tonight. We texted a bit," I finally admit.

   Kiara stops dead in her tracks and looks at me. "Tonight?"

   "Well, before we left for the party, yeah," I answer.

   "You didn't tell me? So, what did you talk about? I honestly thought that was over."

   "It has just been... paused? I guess," I say and I know it sounds silly. "We just sort of checked in with each other."

   "Okay. So... what's happening now?" Kiara asks, as we walk up the steps of our building.

   I shrug and pull open the door. "I don't know, but I'm going to call him tomorrow. I guess... today." It's after midnight.

   Kiara's quiet while we wait for the elevator and on the ride up. We are standing in front of my room when she clears her throat and makes me look at her.

   "I can't wait to meet him. I mean, even if it's on video chat or whatever."

   Her words surprise me. I expected her to say that I've been doing well without him and letting him back into my life would be a horrible thing. I mean, maybe not in those words. But I didn't expect this.

   Without a word, I just hug her. Hard. She makes a noise like I'm choking her and then laughs as I pull away. She's smiling, and so am I.

   "G'night, Kiara," I finish.

   "Night, Teegan."

   I rush to get out of my clothes and into pajamas - after saying hi to Gia, who's reading a book on her bed - and then lay down and pull my blanket up to my chin. I'm exhausted and my mind is racing with thoughts of what ifs.

   My life has been busy, but good, since I've been in New York. At first I thought the busy city life would be too much for me, but it's just right. I haven't exactly felt like anything was missing, until now. Now, I know that I have been missing Cohen this whole time.

   I pull out my phone and unock it, and then pull up our texting conversation. He's three hours earlier than me, in California, so it's not as late there. But I know that doesn't matter.

    I know I said I'd call you tomorrow. It's technically tomorrow for me since it's after midnight.

   My phone buzzes with a new text only two minutes later.

   Cohen: How was the party?

   Me: It was okay. I couldn't stop thinking about someone though. This guy that lives pretty far away from me in California.

   Cohen: Can I call you?

   I want to hear his voice and I want to hear him tell me all the things I know he'll say to me, so I agree. My phone is ringing only a minute later and I answer and slide it up towards my ear.

   "Hey."

   "Hey." His voice is exactly how I remember it.

   I don't know what to say so I just breathe for a few seconds.

   "So, you were thinking about me?" he asks, still sounding a bit cautious.

   I let out a laugh and then sigh. "I was. I mean, I have been. I always think about you when I'm laying in bed trying to sleep."

   "I haven't stopped thinking about you, Teegan. I was trying to give you space, but I was really thinking that you weren't going to... that we were really..." He can't say the words.

   "I'm sorry," I say quietly. "That I never called you back or texted."

   "No. You don't have to be sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't handle any of that very well and... it was so stupid to let you leave without-"

   "Cohen, it's okay. It might have actually been better. I was able to go back to Seattle and pack up my stuff and fly here and now I'm settled in and..." I tell him.

   "So me being a dick was a good thing?" He laughs after he says this.

   "No. But... that's how it happened. It's okay. And now-"

   "Now what?" he wants to know.

   "I don't know. I know I miss you though, and I like talking to you again," I tell him.

   "Same. You're so far away, but... I'm so glad to talk to you. And I miss you, too." His voice is quieter now.

   I yawn and then rub my eyes. "I'm really tired. But... we will talk soon, yeah?"

   "I can't wait," he answers. "I love you, Teeg."

   I swallow hard, squeezing my eyes shut. "G'night, Cohen."