Teegan

It's insane how fast the next three days go.

I got on the rescheduled flight and went back to Seattle. Things were so up in the air but I had to go. I kissed Oscar and Josie and told them I will call them a lot, and I let my mom hold me in a hug for a long time. But then I got on that flight.

It's Sunday. Those three days in Seattle flew by. I miss Cohen, but a part of me is still angry. Angry he didn't let me in. Angry he didn't say goodbye. I can't do anything about it now. I'm leaving for New York in the morning. My emotions are all over the place.
    I am excited. I've been waiting for this forever. I'm scared. Of new things. New people. Being on my own. I'm also sad. I know there's a chance I'm missing out on what could have been.

I wake up on Sunday and it's the weirdest feeling as I eat breakfast with my dad and Jenna and finish my coffee, knowing it's the last one I'll be drinking in that house for a long time. Maybe I won't ever go back to Seattle to live with them. I really don't know. I got back to Seattle and spent two days doing laundry, re-packing and going over some information from the college. I invited Kiara over and we had a whole day of catching up. The summer was weird for us, not at all what I expected, but I am so looking forward to getting to see her every day again.

"I feel like you should be mad enough to just forget about him," she says from across my bedroom.

It's evening now and this is the second full day we've spent together since I got back. I know she's kidding. She knows me. I told her the entire story about my summer with Cohen on Friday, and she cried with me, swooned with me, and felt what I felt. I told her that I fell in love with him, which is big. It's huge. She knows that I don't really let myself feel that way easily.

"I can't forget him," I say anyway. "He has a piece of my heart back there in California."

Kiara crosses my room and plops down onto my bed. She squeezes my arm and nods.    "I know. I just hate seeing that look in your eyes."

"What look?" I want to know. I'm genuinely curious what she sees.

    "Like you're going to let him keep that piece of your heart forever."

Kiara's sleeping over tonight and my dad is taking us to the airport at 7A.M. Her parents have to work and we made these plans months ago. I'm glad we're going to fly there together. I need her. But she's almost too right about this. She can tell just by looking at me that I won't be able to let Cohen go easily.

I'm also glad she's not holding it against me that I abandoned her all summer. We didn't even get to talk that often. My life in Avila feels like it was some sort of weird dream now that I'm back in Seattle. Except my mom has called daily and Oscar and Josie have talked my ear off each time. It's the best. My mom hasn't mentioned anything about Cohen. I'm glad for that, but I also wish she would tell me something. Anything.

"I didn't think it was just a summer thing with him," I tell Kiara now.  "It felt much more real than that."

    "And yet he pushed you away when things got hard." She's being too serious about this. She doesn't know him like I do, and that's not her fault. She's just being the best friend.

And she's right. But god, I wish things had happened differently.

It's the middle of the night when I hear my phone buzzing next to my bed. Kiera's fast asleep beside me but I haven't fallen asleep yet. Sleeping really hasn't been my thing for the last week. I've gotten about two or three hours each night since I've been back. It's not enough, but I have been getting by with lots of caffeine.

I know it's Cohen before I see it's him calling. I almost don't answer. When I do, I don't say anything into the phone. His voice brings tears to my eyes right away. I've only been in Seattle for three days. But god I miss him. He says he's sorry, and he says Rex woke up and that he's okay. And then I hang up.

*

  My dad hugs me hard and tells me to call him when we land in New York City. This isn't like sending me off to stay with my mom for the summer. This is my new life. He's sad to let me go. I'm sad too, in a way. His eyes are darker than usual and he's not looking me in the eyes.

"Good luck, girls," he says with tears in his eyes.

   "Thanks Mr. Walters," Kiara answers right away.

She's so ready to get out of here. Her backpack is slung over her shoulder.

"Thanks, Dad," I say, looking up at him.

He just nods. "I'm serious. Call me often, okay?" His voice is in my ear as he hugs me again.

I nod back. "I will."

I look back and wave before Kiara and I turn to go through security.

And then we're off.

    New York City is huge. It's bigger and busier than what it seems like in movies. I feel overwhelmed and excited and like I can't wait to start my life, but also - will I be able to do this? My summer in that tiny beach town feels like forever ago and also like that was where my heart belongs. The big busy city doesn't really feel like me.

Kiara grabs my hand before I can contemplate this much, and leads me towards the baggage claim. I text my dad as we wait for our bags. Kiara's so excited that it's hard not to be, too. She has a itinerary for our day, which includes signing in to our dorm rooms and walking around Central Park, among other things. She has a lot to show me and tell me about, but I'm only half listening.

It's only 10A.M. but I need coffee, so we stop in a little cafe on our way to the dorm. We took an Uber from the airport to Manhattan, since she spent most of the summer here she knows some places and how to get around. I'm so glad Kiara is with me. It makes this all feel more tolerable.

"The caramel latte is so good," she tells me before we order.

I open my mouth to answer when my phone starts ringing. "Can you order me that? My mom's calling."

Kiara nods even though she seems surprised, and I raise my phone to my ear. "Hey."

"Hey, hon. Did you land in New York?"

"Yeah. Less than an hour ago. We're just getting coffee and heading to campus..."

"Man, you sound so grown up right now," she says, and I can hear the sadness in her voice.

I smile anyway. "Thanks."

"So... I wanted to tell you, I heard Rex woke up. He's recovering at home now."

This jolts me a bit. I heard Cohen tell me this at 3A.M., but I didn't acknowledge it. It feels like a dream, that one sided phone call in the middle of the night. Now my mom is telling me, too.

"That's good," I say, looking over at Kiara as she flirts with the guy working behind the counter.

    "Yes. Very good. I wasn't sure if you'd talked to Cohen-" my mom goes on.

"No. I'm not sure I will," I tell her.

She sighs, loud and dramatically. "Alright. I love you. Call me soon?"

"I will, love you too," I finish.

Kiara's grinning when I end the call and take the coffee from her.     "Try it. Tell me it's amazing."

I sip it right away and it's so good my eyes roll back.

"Told you."

   "So good," I confirm and then take another long sip.

"Let's get going. Orientation is at 1P.M." She grabs my hand and off we go.

*

It's Wednesday when I open my voicemails and listen to them. Since we arrived two days ago, it's been busy non-stop. Tomorrow is our first day of classes, so I figure now is as soon a time as any to attend to any outstanding messages, since I might not get to them for awhile.

There's three voicemails from Cohen. He texted a few times over the last few days but I was just too busy to read them. They are mostly apologies. I haven't let myself think about him at all since I left Avila, but for the hour that I'm laying in bed trying to sleep, he's all I think about.

My roommate is a music major who's the same age as me and she's funny and sassy. Her name is Gia. Thankfully, Kiara's room is just down the hallway. Her roommate Holly isn't so great, so she spends more time in our room. She's here now as I pull out my phone and decide to listen to his voicemails.

    "Hey Teeg. I don't know if you're avoiding my calls or busy, but either is fine. I just wanted to say hi."

   "Teegan, if you want to, can you call me back when you get a chance?"

   "God, Teeg, I miss you."

He sounds hopeful. He sounds okay. But I'm not ready to call him back. So I just wait until my heart stops pounding and then I put my phone away again and turn my attention back to my best friend and my new friend, Gia. At least they are good distractions, because I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the next little bit while I decide what to do about him.