mental illness is kicking my ASS. i've been so down and incredibly anxious at all times, i hate this so much. i've been feeling entirely hopeless, adrift, and that makes intrusive thoughts so much harder to fight off, which in turn make the depression and guilt worse, which then... you catch the drift.

i was just talking to my dad (more like grovelling for forgiveness) after i "skipped" school when i suddenly found myself no one to take me in the morning. i tried solving it and texted a bunch of people who live nearby, i checked uber prices (criminal, btw) and everything, and there were no viable options in order for me to get there. 

what my dad was scolding me about was a mix of skipping school and not telling him. i'm pretty sure he thinks i purposefully lie to him but honestly i just don't think about reaching out for help. he and my sister haven't helped by telling me i need to be more independent and solve shit on my own (like,, what is it then? do i solve problems on my own or do i look for their help?). also, as mean as it can seem, i just don't ever think of him as someone i can reach out to for help, i have never seen him as a safe person and i doubt that will ever change.

on the other hand, I LITERALLY FORGOT ABOUT IT. i was in panic in the morning, and after deeming the cause useless, i just forgot that i was skipping school. it's not an isolated incident, my forgetting has been the root of many issues for me and him both. he just doesn't believe me. no one does actually.

i often forget important things, in all aspects of my life. i can just as easily forget an assignment worth 50% of my grade as i can a birthday. everyone seems to think that it's rooted in a lack or caring, that i forget things because i don't give a shit about them (and many hurt feelings come from this, as you may guess). they think that i don't care about the consequences, that i feel no guilt or stress whatsoever over the forgotten things. 

oh how i wish it were that way. i am eaten up by anxiety and stress at all times, i can't relax without fearing i'm forgetting something important, even with countless notes and reminders. i have based my entire personality off of not being a nuisance, why would i not care about it?? i have tried so many different things in order to get better at retaining stuff, at saying the things i need to say, but none of them work well enough for their satisfaction. i wish there were a magical cure, something that would make me good enough. unfortunately that train of thought often delves into suicidal ideation so. maybe not opening that particular can of worms right now.

i just wish they would believe me. i care, i really do! maybe, probably, entirely too much in fact. it's so frustrating not being able to get them to peek into my brain, maybe they'd understand that way.

i'm also always on edge cause i feel observed AND PEOPLE HAVEN'T BEEN HELPING?? like who told my dad i missed school? he lives like 12 hours away by car?? was it my uncle? my school's principal? who tf was it square up, i swear i'm gonna go nuts with paranoia one of these days.

btw i am seeing a therapist,, unfortunately, i feel spied on when talking to him as well, seeing as my dad RENTS HIM THE HOUSE HE LIVES IN?? isn't that like a conflict of interests and therefore unethical? and i know that he told my little sister's mum about some of the shit they discussed in therapy so i'd say it's a pretty valid concern actually. hnngg why is living so exhausting