tw // body dysmorphia

i hate how i've been pushed to feeling bad about myself my entire life. i almost had a panic attack just now because i was trying on my jeans for a week long trip??  i haven't really used them during quarantine so i wanted to check which were more comfortable other than the pair I usually wear, and i started feeling terrible about my body again.

it's ridiculous, i know i'm nowhere near fat (and even if i was, there is no reason i should feel bad about myself because of beauty standards), and i have a pretty nice body,, but being latina, of course i don't fit the "skinny girls are pretty girls" standard, my thighs are really fucking thick and jeans obviously never fit me right, they're always too tight on the thighs and hips and then the waist is huge, and so on.

i've worked on my self-esteem for yEARS, and i fight beauty standards with my entire being, but they're not something you can just free yourself from, they're ingrained deep in your brain and you're bombarded to keep believing in them. i keep telling myself "i don't give a fuck, these gorgeous thighs are fluffy and completely beautiful, and with time volleyball will make them even better, remember? that's your goal" but oh boy is it hard to avoid dwelling on the negative thoughts. i feel fat and horrible and ugh.

if anyone is reading, i just wanna tell you that you're beautiful, believe it or not, and that you don't have to change yourself to fit these ridiculous beauty standards. i love you, please take care and remember to love yourself💕