I just want to lock myself in my room and cry. I feel terrible, and I can't even say so because I would be outing myself. My mum's laughing in her room, completely oblivious to the pain she caused me with just some words.

She was showing me a post in my sister's instagram where she's wearing the harry styles sweater she made her, complaining about the fact that even though her friends asked her where she got it from, she didn't credit my mum. It's fair she got mad, she worked on it for weeks and had to learn new ways to knit and stuff, I saw how difficult it was to make it.

Then she read some comments of her friends appreciating her like we gen z do, things like "marry me queen" or "what do i have to do to date you". She then told me "ugh, I hate this kind of comments, why do they have to say that? would YOU like your friends telling you that?" and,, I get why she said it, she obviously doesn't get this kind of humour because it's not from her generation and she wouldn't do it with her friends, right? I was willing to let it slide.

But what hurt me is that immediately after thinking that, she said "como bien lesbis sus amigas",, and for those of you who don't speak spanish, "lesbi" is a derogatory term for lesbians (like dyke). So she basically said "her friends are kind of dykes".

Mum, I have some news for you: I am a lesbian. Maybe you can imagine how terrible I felt while hearing my mum say that.

I can't get it out of my head. I think this is one of the things that will forever stay with me, one of those things that happened years ago but still hurt every time you think about them.

My mum is pretty accepting of these kind of stuff, and in the last years I've been able to teach her some things and correct the way she speaks about certain topics. Her ex-boyfriend's son is trans, we have interacted with him, him and me immediately connected and consider the other our sibling, she loves him a lot and says he's her son too, and has never misgendered him on purpose. So I know she's not homo/transphobic.

But that doesn't take the pain away. Hearing one of the people you trust most in this world say something like that is heartbreaking. I thought I could trust her with that, and I was even considering coming out to her. Now we're back at square one, I definitely won't come out to her.