I'm so scared.

I really can't do this anymore, you know? I've tried to be strong, I've tried to heal, I've been doing my best for myself each day.

But I'm tired. I try, I really do, but I can't.

Sorry mum, sorry dad, I know I'm a disappointment, you don't need to remind me. I know you prefer my sister because she's smart, responsible, pretty, popular, the perfect girl; and I'm nowhere near her. I'm just a nuisance, the unwanted child that has only ever served as a personal diary, the one supposed to make you feel better about every single problem in your lives. I'm sorry that my efforts are always in vain, that I'll never be the child you wanted. That I'm the queer, lazy, dumb, ill, ugly, horrible child you have to deal with.

I'm terribly sorry, I promise I try my best. But my best is not enough, it doesn't even reach my sister's worst.

I wish I at least was brave enough to kill myself. But no, I'm also a coward. I'm not able to even think of a way of doing it.

Please just leave me alone. Please, I beg you. Just let me lock myself into my room until I die, or who knows, I might even do something good for once.

Okay, update after my mum scolded me for the 4th time today:
She told me "it's not your responsibility to carry my emotions",, ma'am I've been used as your personal diary every since I can remember?? It's one of the reasons my anxiety is so bad?? And it contributed to me not being able to ask for anything ever?? Look at yourself in the mirror and say that again.

So,, yeah she basically made me feel worse jUST WHEN I WAS FEELING BETTER and tried to impose mORE things on me and made me promise not to close my door but sIKE I CLOSED IT because this is my safe space thank you very much, and ripping it away from me won't do any better.

She tells me to talk to her but she won't listen and will compare my situation to others?? Ma'am I'm not mini you, and I'm a unique and separate person from every other human being thanks. And then I'll tell her I've been working on my mental health, and she'll disregard my ways and try to impose hER ways on me,, ma'am that's not how it works, please mind your business because you're ruining all the things I've achieved.

Another update because she just yelled at me for the 5th time:
She tried guilt tripping me because they feed me and give me education which is legally required,, thanks mum, believe me, I'd rather not have been born.
I'm so exhausted,, I feel like I'll actually pass out, I've cried for hours and every time I can calm myself down she comes into my room again and yells at me for at least another half an hour, I haven't even been allowed to eat something (after last time, she told me to eat something and make myself a tea??),, so, chances are I'll fall asleep crying and having eaten only a little chocolate I have in my room (thank me I always have bottles of water and some sort of candy in my room)

Last update for today, I promise:
"You need to talk to me" "Please talk" and then of course she proceeds to ignore me for days and doesn't even acknowledge I'm in the room. She talks to the dogs but will pretend I don't exist.
And she wonders why I'm scared of telling her things and pissing her off