wow.

i fucking hate my dad.

how did we go from him asking if i ever got around to popping in to say hi to my step sister to him insulting my sister and saying both her and i are horrible to his family? babes we were literally talking about something else.

he's always gonna take their side, paint them as the good guys, as if they've never done anything wrong in their lives, how dare we say that?? we're always gonna be the problem, the rude ones, the uncivil ones. i fucking hate him.

i feel guilty for hating him, specially when he's not so unbearable. once in a while, i forget he's a terrible parent. he can be loving, understanding, supportive. then he turns back around and reminds me of it. we'll never be his priority, and that really fucking hurts. isn't he supposed to care for us? we shouldn't be second place to his wife and her kids, right? and his work. and a party. and a dog. and a beer. and a chewed up gum on the ground.

i can't fucking wait to get away from him, but even leaving aside the fact that i'd be cutting contact off with MY DAD, i feel awful because doing so means leaving everything behind once again. i'm finally settling in life, i feel. i'm studying a career i love, in a uni i adore, with professors so amazing at their jobs they keep me enraptured by two hours straight, with the best roommate i could've asked for and lovely friends. and i'm gonna have to leave them for my own good.

i'm scared, and i really don't want to have to find my way again. where do i even go from here? will i be able to continue studying? am i gonna yet again see my classmates, my friends, graduate without me? i want to change the world, but how do i even change mine? i fear i'm gonna die unfulfilled, surviving life instead of living it. or will it even matter? how much impact will it actually have on my future?

i'm just tired. i don't wanna cry, stress over this anymore. i wish i had decent parents and i didn't need to worry about this.