my dad and sister often tell me stuff along the lines of "how are you planning to get through life like this??!!" babes that's the whole point, i don't know!! i don't want to be easily distracted, i don't want to be irresponsible, i don't want to have someone who has to solve shit for me, i don't want to be a disaster! 

"i'm not always going to be here to solve everything for you" thank god dude, that sounds like hell for the both of us.

"you need to grow up" i am aware, would you be so kind as to tell me how? do you have a nifty litte manual for it you can lend me?

i keep fantasizing about killing myself, how they would react. would they finally understand how deeply this goes? how fucked up i am? would they feel guilty? carry the thought of "was it us who pushed them off the cliff?"? would they think it's another of my shortcomings? a temper tantrum? proof that i am childish and immature and not good enough, never good enough? would they feel the empty space i left behind? or would they feel free of my burden? like a weight they hadn't realised was there finally lifted off their shoulders?

i've tried to talk about it, about the crushing weight that lives on top of me, of the despair that ensnares me, of the freezing fear i feel every second of my life. when i told my dad i didn't feel fit to go to uni, he told me he understood. that if i entered and failed to keep up, he wouldn't blame me for the money he'd lost, that he loves me and wants what's best for me. yet i don't think he realises how terribly bad i am doing. 

i haven't managed to get into a single uni so far, and i've been trying since november. i got a scholarship in a private school, but i need a higher percentage in order to study there. i failed to pay in time to take the exam for the city's public uni and i won't be able to apply until winter. i'm too late to apply to most unis at this point of the year. i haven't even started uni and i'm already failing at it.

i said i'd work while i got my shit together, at least a little bit, at least until i didn't feel utterly incapable of existing, and my dad immediately shut it down. he doesn't want me to enter uni two years older than the rest of my classmates, i've "lost enough time" already. but what is two years compared to my life? is a bachelor's worth more than me? do i really need to study a career in order to live a good life? do i really want to live in a world that is falling apart? is there anything worth living for within my reach?

i am so deeply exhausted. i don't know how to live. i don't know how to act like a person must in order to survive. i want to vanish into the nature, never to be seen again. did i die? was i eaten by a predator? did i succumb to an infection? am i living the rest of my life feeling free for the first time in my life? maybe i laid down,  let the plants make a home in my bones, the insects bite away at my flesh, the rain and wind and earth fall through me, until there is no trace of the person i used to be. until i for one belong to the world.