2016

During this specific jump in time was when I actually stopped to think about what I was doing.
Wasn't it weird to see your past go by in just a few fragments of memory?
Was this even happening?

Has it happened to another person apart from me?
Did those people change anything that involved me and I never noticed?
What if Harry had to do the same?
What if the memories were already changed by him?

My mind was full of questions all of a sudden, and for a moment they made me forget about what I was about to experience.

2016.

The only year I really didn't want to relive.

"Ems?" - I grabbed her arm to stop her before the memory started rolling.

"What?"

"Did any other person have this same opportunity as I did?"

"They might have. I don't know, I'm just your conscience, not others." - She shrugged.

"Mmmm." - I hummed.

"I can assure you though, that these memories hadn't been altered before. I know that, I've been there."

"Uh, okay." - I nodded.

"Do you need a moment?" - She asked, and now I finally realized where we were and that Emily had frozen the memory before it even began.

We were in my house. My house at that time, at least. The one I sold after I decided to leave it all behind and move back to Doncaster, before I decided to disappear from the public eye.

"No, go ahead." - I said, taking a deep breath.

Waiting wasn't going to make this any better.

My younger self was lying in the middle of the large and almost empty room, on the carpeted floor, as a footy game was playing on the tv, muted.
All the lights were out except for the huge tv on the wall.
Young Louis was on his side, a bottle of -probably- vodka in one hand and with the other he was trying to roll a joint, not quite getting it right due to his wasted state.

He groaned, hitting the bottle against the floor out of frustration for not getting it done. On the other side of his body, I could see a tiny bag containing white powder inside, not far from it, a credit card shining under the light of the tv and a line of the same powder right next to it.

I didn't even remember this moment, and I wasn't surprised, since I barely remember anything that happened this year.

"What month is this, Ems?" - I whispered.

"April."

"Fuck."

Emily nodded, sighing. We both turned to look at his miserable state again.

Then his phone rang, the screen lighting up and illuminating part of the dark room near the -also empty- bookshelf.

Young Louis first ignored it, he ignored the first seven times it rang.
Then, giving up, he stood up and stumbled on his feet until he finally found the phone.
I walked towards it too, looking over my younger self's shoulder to see the screen.

Three missed calls from Mum.
Two missed calls from Lottie.
Two missed calls from Oli.
One incoming call from Harry Styles.

Young Louis accepted the call and laughed into the speaker.
The room was quiet and secluded enough that I could hear Harry's quiet breathing on the line even if it wasn't on speaker.

"What do you want?"

"Uhm, hi Louis."

"Not in the mood for you, Harry." - He groaned, letting himself fall down on the floor abruptly, back resting against the empty bookshelf, which slightly trembled.

"Okay." - Harry's voice came through the speaker. - "Just, your sister called me. They are worried because you're not answering their calls or texts."

"Why do you care?"

"I... I don't." - He said, and I heard him taking a deep breath. - "But, this is important, Louis. I wouldn't be calling you if it wasn't. You should go home with them. They need you home."

"I'm not following your orders, Mr. Styles. Get the fuck out of my life."

"This is not for me, Louis..." - Was the last thing I heard him say before my younger self cut the call.

As he dropped the unlocked phone on his side, I could see lots of unopened and unread chats.
Lottie, Mum, Fizzy, Oli, Dan. Everyone.

I looked at my stupid younger self and I couldn't stop the anger running in my veins.
It's all your fault! I wanted to scream at him, to punch him deep in his stomach, I wanted to make him see all the things he missed before and was going to miss in the next months of his life for being a complete asshole.

"You'll get nowhere by hating yourself, Lou." - Emily broke the silence.

And only then I noticed the memory had come to an end and that my younger self was frozen.

"I can't not hate myself for being an asshole. God! I don't even remember this happened, I was so gone."

"You were going through a loss. One Direction was no longer your pillar, and you had to move on, that band that was all you ever knew, was gone. And you felt lost. Everyone feels lost sometimes." - She sighed, resting a hand on my shoulder. - "I'm not saying it was okay, it was just your way of coping at the time. Because you didn't know any better. So don't hate yourself, you know better now, and you'll change it to how you want it to be, okay?"

"Okay." - I sighed, taking one last look at the room and shaking my head. - "This is only April? Damn it! It'll only get worse."

"I won't make you relive any of that. We are jumping a little further now."

"When?"

"December 10th."

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath.

"Okay, I can do this."

"You can." - Emily said, taking my wrist. - "I have faith in you."

And then, I saw black.

⏭️⏭️⏭️

I knew where we were at even before I opened my eyes.
The X Factor.

It was the day of my performance with Steve Aoki on the X Factor stage. Three days after my mum passed.

I knew the guys were here. It was one of the last times we've all been together in the same room, if not the very last one.
When I finally took everything in, Emily and I were on the backstage, hours before the program even started, just getting ready. Steve and in a corner recording an interview, Liam and Niall chatting on the side of the room, a lot of people coming and going, Simon Cowell waiting for us to finish the interview and then giving me a hug.

Harry, on the other hand, was as far from the rest of the people as possible, sitting in a chair and scrolling down on his phone. In this memory, he already had short again, causing me to smile a little remembering he grew it only for charity.
This man.

I sighed, turning to look at my younger version, still chatting softly with Simon and Steve.
I could read, even from a distance, everything his body language was saying. He was just there, drained from all energy, forcing smiles, a slight tremble on his hands, probably aching for a cigarette or something else to hold onto.
If I could see it, probably everyone else could, probably all of them were feeling pity for him, and that's exactly the last thing I wanted at the moment, that this younger version of me wanted.

When finally Steve and Simon left his side, he found himself standing alone, contemplating his surroundings just as I was doing too. When he finally spotted Harry in the room, all by himself as well, he took a deep breath, inflating his chest and then letting go of the air, building up courage to go and to talk to him.

The only person that after all that I had put him through would still show up in this big moment for me.

Emily and I walked closer to Harry, knowing that my younger self was going in his direction too, to talk to him, away from all prying ears.

"Hey." - Young Louis approached him, pointing at the chair next to Harry, silently asking him if he could sit. Harry just shrugged.

"Hey." - Harry said, serious expression on his face, putting his phone away.

"Uhm, thanks for coming today. Wasn't sure you would."

"Had no choice." - He shrugged again.

"Oh." - Louis frowned. - "You're not here for me then?"

Harry took his hand to his chin, searching for a reply in his head.

"I'm here because once I cared deeply for you and your family. I'm here for respect."

"Okay."

"And I know you hate people having pity on you, so no, I'm not here for that."

"Okay." - Louis whispered, and I think it was the first time I saw myself being completely speechless, and letting his fake smile, his facade, fall.

"Also, I want to see your show."

"You do?" - Louis asked, perking up.

"Yeah." - Harry said, still completely serious.

"I don't think it'll be great." - Louis said, now playing with his fidgeting fingers.

"Sometimes what you think isn't the truth."

"Huh?"

"I know it probably has been a rough couple of days, I can't even know how bad you feel right now. I won't pretend I do. But what I do know is how good you are at performing, even if you never saw it yourself. So, I'm pretty sure you're professional enough to nail this performance."

"Uhm. Thanks Harry."

Harry shrugged again.

"I know how capable you are. It's as simple as that."

Louis turned to him, his 'everything is fine' face completely lost, now looking absolutely defenseless.

"I really don't trust I can make it tonight."

Harry frowned, noticing how my younger self was now opening up to him for the first time in years. How he was trusting him with this instead of anybody else. Noticing how much young Louis was crumbling inside.

"What can I do to change that?" - Harry asked, as soft as a feather.

"I don't know." - Louis whispered, his voice cracking.

"Louis." - Harry said, turning completely to face him, their knees now touching. - "You've done two-hour long concerts, you've played bigger stadiums than this theater, you've sang songs that are by far more vocally exigent than this one and you know it. You can sing this song in your sleep." - He said, looking right into Louis' eyes. - "Even if today feels different, your talent is the same. Trust that."

Louis shook his head, looking away from Harry.

"Could you..." - He whispered, looking down at his hands and their knees touching. - "Could you stay at the side of the stage tonight?"

"You want me to?" - Harry asked, and if he was shocked he didn't show it. My younger self nodded. - "Okay, sure. I got you."

"Thanks." - Louis nodded, standing up and walking away from him, leaving a frowning Harry alone again.

"Okay, buddy." - Emily said, patting my shoulder. - "That's all."

"Really?" - I asked, turning to her.

"Yeah." - She smiled. - "And you got through with it like a champ. Ready to change some memories now?"

I simply nodded, wanting nothing more than to just get this done and move on to the next one, or utopically, go back to the present.

Emily smiled at me, reassuring me a little. She had confidence in me, had confidence that all of this was going to work in the end.

So why couldn't I be confident too?

⏭️⏭️⏭️

"Fuck, my head!" - I groaned, feeling it pounding and a terrible ache penetrating my brain.

My vision was completely blurry and my body felt heavy.

I was mentally sober, controlling my younger body. But this body was currently feeling the effects of alcohol and weed running through it.

And it wasn't good.

I knew my actions in this memory had to start earlier than the others before, I couldn't continue in this state any longer and also, I was not going to let my younger self fuck up again, my only mission in this memory was to answer at the first ring of my phone.

But, before anything, I needed to do whatever I could to sober my body up.

So, I struggled and stumbled to get myself up from the floor, making my way in the dark towards the kitchen and grabbing a water bottle from the fridge. Gulping it down as fast as I could, I started bouncing up and down in my toes, activating my body and hurrying my sobriety.

From the kitchen, I also grabbed a cloth, taking it back with me to the living room and using it to clean up the remnants of white powder spread on the floor. I shoved the credit card inside my pockets and threw the bag of white powder and the vodka bottle in the garbage. I only kept the weed, this time leaving it over the empty bookshelf.

It was just at that moment that I heard the first ring.
The phone screen lit up the corner of the room, near to where I was.

I rushed towards it, collapsing on the floor as I reached for it.
A smile formed on my lips as I laid on my back on the floor, accepting the call and taking the phone to my ear.

Mum.

"Lou?"

"Mum." - I smiled, biting my tongue as I felt tears starting to stream down my face.

"Hey darling, I've been texting you. You alright?"

"I'm better now that I'm speaking to you." - I said, containing a sob as I was now full on crying.

"You got me a little worried."

"Everything is okay with me, mum. I was actually thinking of calling you soon. I miss you." - I said, now breathing as slowly as I could so she wouldn't hear my cry.

"I miss you too, dear. And... I have a few things to tell you. I don't want to worry you but... Are you busy? Maybe you can come home for a few days."

"I'm not busy, not at all. I would love to go home, mum. I'll be there." - I sobbed, feeling my cheeks completely dampened, curling on to my side, holding the phone for dear life. - "For whatever you need, I'll be there."

"You sure you're alright, Lou?"

"Yes. I'll be there, okay? As soon as I can. I missed you." - I sniffed, wiping my tears with my free hand. - "I'll hug you really tightly when I see you again, yeah?" - I said and I heard her chuckle.

"Okay, darling. Text me when you know when you're coming."

"I will."

"Love you." - She said, and I felt a knot in my chest, knowing I had to hang up, knowing I had to let go.

"I love you more." - I said, my voice broken and the tears blurring my sight.

"Bye, darling. Take care, okay?"

"Yes, mum. Thank you." - I said, almost whispering.

I could almost hear her smiling on the other side, I could almost imagine her face. Which is something I hadn't been able to do for a long time.

In my memories, her face was just blurry now, not ever clear enough to grasp, to keep. But right now, after hearing her voice again, her face was as clear as it had ever been, as if she was still alive, still with me.

"Emily, please give me a little more time." - I said out loud, even if she wasn't here in the room. - "I need to do something else."

Wiping the rest of my tears from my face, I tried to focus my eyes on the screen of my phone, quickly opening Oli's chat and typing.

Mate, put me on the next flight to Doncaster.

And just when I pressed send, a notification showed up at the top of my screen. Harry Styles sent you a message.

I quickly tapped to open it and it said:

Hey, sorry to bother you.
I have a missed call from your sister. Did anything happen?

I smiled to myself, rereading his text a couple more times before I finally decided what to reply.

Everything is fine. Don't worry, I'm coming home.

⏭️⏭️⏭️

When I opened my eyes once again, there were no tears left and I was now surrounded by people. Still, I took a moment to recover from the previous memory, feeling my heart full of emotions, my head spinning around the fact that I had just talked to my mum after seven years.

As I took a few seconds to breathe through the knot in my chest, my younger body was Involuntarily talking to Simon Cowell by my side, smiling so forcefully that my cheeks were hurting.
Actually, my whole body hurt. Not just my cheeks.

When finally Steve and Simon left my side, I found myself standing alone, contemplating my surroundings until I spotted Harry in the room, all by himself as well.

This was it, this was what I came to change even if nothing had actually gone wrong in this one.
I took a deep breath, inflating my chest and then letting go of the air, building up courage to go and to talk to him.

"Hey." - I approached Harry, pointing at the chair next to him, silently asking if I could sit there. Harry just shrugged.

"Hey." - Harry said, serious expression on his face, putting his phone away.

"Uhm, thanks for coming today. Wasn't sure you would." - I said, still involuntarily flowing with the original memory.

"Had no choice." - He shrugged again.

"Oh." - I frowned. - "You're not here for me then?"

Harry took his hand to his chin, searching for a reply in his head.

"I'm here because once I cared deeply for you and your family. I'm here for respect."

I took control right then, nodding and looking down at my feet.

"I know, I appreciate that." - I said.

"And I know you hate people having pity on you, so no, I'm not here for that."

"How do you know I didn't change?" - I whispered, trying to smile at him even if it hurt. - "I mean... It's been a long time."

Harry huffed.

"People never change their essence. Maybe everything around you changed, but... yeah, you get it." - He shrugged. I nodded. - "Also, I wanted to see your show."

"Really?" - I asked, perking up.

"Yeah." - Harry said, still completely serious.

"You know..." - I sighed. - "I wasn't very... sure about this. That this... mmm... performance would go right. I'm scared of singing today. I don't want to look like a fool."

"You shouldn't be scared. You've been performing forever."

"I know, but always with other people there with me." - I chuckled. - "Besides, it's tough to believe that I can do this, when everybody always told me I couldn't." - I said. - "Except you." - I looked up right into his eyes. - "That's why you being here today means a lot to me. Even if I never told you before, you believing in me made me stronger."

Harry frowned.

"Really?" - Harry asked, shocked. - "I mean... I knew you were mmm... insecure, but... I just, I just always knew how capable you were. It's as simple as that."

"I never thought I would make it on my own. But now, I trust I can do it tonight. And to me, that's huge."

"That's..." - Harry smiled, looking down at his knee now touching mine. - "It was about damn time." - He snorted. - "You should always believe in your talent. Even if today feels different, your talent is the same. You should always trust that. I'm glad you finally saw it."

"Only thanks to you. You always got my back, even now that we're not as close as before." - I said.

"You don't have to thank me."

"Oh, but I do." - I smiled, bumping my knee with his'. - "Can I ask you for one last favor?"

"Yeah?" - Harry frowned.

"Could you stay at the side of the stage tonight? Just, you know, so I can see a familiar face."

"You want me to?" - Harry asked, I nodded. - "Okay, sure. I got you." - Harry smiled.

"Thanks." - I said, flashing him another smile and standing up from my chair.

The memory froze right in front of my eyes. Emily reappeared, sitting in the same chair I was just sitting in.

"How are you feeling, buddy?" - She asked.

"Like I had just gotten a huge weight out of my shoulders." - I said, letting out a long sigh. - "And very emotionally unstable."

"Good." - She smiled. - "We are so close to the end of this, Lou. I'm honestly proud of you right now."

"Really?" - I smirked.

"Yeah." - She shrugged. - "Don't let it get to your head though."

I laughed.

"Okay."

"This was a journey you needed to do to find yourself. That's what you wanted, right? And you're doing it. Understanding yourself, embracing yourself and stopping being the rude and idiot celebrity you thought you needed to be."

"Wow, thanks." - I rolled my eyes, then smiled at her. - "So, if I'm doing everything so great, why don't we just finish this here and return to the present?"

"Because you still need to learn a few more things." - She chuckled.

"Fine. 2017?"

"Yep." - She grinned.

"Why are you so happy? It's weird."

"No reason." - She shrugged, still grinning.

She stood up, extending her hand to me.

"Can you promise me no more tears?" - I asked her. - "I think I've had enough crying for the next ten years."

"Uhm." - She mumbled, thinking. - "I don't think you're going to cry in 2017. But who knows."

I rolled my eyes, taking her hand.

"Wait." - I froze. - "How many memories do we have left?"

"Just two more years." - She said as if it was obvious.

"Really?"

"Yes. 2018 was the last time you saw Harry. The huge fight slash love confession, remember?"

"Fuck! That is the last memory we're going to visit?"

"Yeah." - She nodded as if it was obvious, again.

"I don't think I'm ready for that one." - I said.

"Good thing 2017 comes first then.'" - She smirked, now squeezing my hand. - "Let's get out of here."

And the next thing I knew was that we were jumping.