A/N: omg HIIII!!!!

lol it's been literally AGES (i'm...so unfunny lol) since i published something on here...

long story short: i had an accident last fall and then had to recover and basically didn't catch up on catching up blep. buuuut i am BACK *throws confetti at...whoever wants confetti lol*

anygays how are you?? i'm more than happy to catch up on YOUR life!!

and to this thingy here: it is a songfic (again) based on an unreleased harry styles song called "Don't let me go"  (i linked it above!!) and i just HAD to turn it into johnlock so...here i am :D

it's pretty angsty though BUT i'm planning on writing something sun-shine-y as well. feedback would be more than appreciated and hope you enjoy it!!

lots of love and have this *gives you a giant sunflower*

- jawn

______

Now you were standing there right in front of me

Loud music fills the air, along with songs I've never heard before in my life.

Don't stop believing, hold onto that feeling.

I sigh softly and try to block out the music around me. So what anyway...

It's not my day – it is... yours.

You're standing in front of me - in the black suit that you've been wearing all day. Much fancier than you usually dress. Not that that's a bad thing. Quite the opposite - you look...great - That's what I thought the first moment I saw you.

And you're laughing. You're laughing and your dimples are showing on your cheeks, which I've been studying every day since I met you. Just in case, of course. After all, the world is a place full of locked doors, isn't it? After all, we've experienced that first-hand more than once.

I'm almost smiling, too. I know you don't see any dimples on my cheeks. But it doesn't matter, because I like your dimples better anyway. Very gently, almost like snowflakes falling to the ground, they dig into your cheeks. I don't believe in any kind of higher power, but whenever I see your smile, I doubt whether something so beautiful can really be human.

Your eyes shine and radiate with pure happiness. I can see that even in the dark light that constantly dances up and down as if it were just as restless as I am inside myself. They shine like the sky, except now it's evening and your eyes are the only ones that come close to such a luminous blue.

I swallow.

Of course, they shine. You are, after all, the groom tonight. The groom...with his bride.

Something inside me tightens.

I know it's silly, but something inside me still resists associating the word 'groom' with you, 'John Hamish Watson'. It doesn't fit, doesn't feel right. And it's stupid and silly and absolutely ridiculous but...you've always just been...John to me. My companion. My doctor. My...friend. And now...you're her groom.

She is standing right next to you - yet I dare not look over at her. But even without turning my gaze, I know that you have your arm wrapped tightly around her waist. I also know that she looks beautiful too - almost as beautiful as you do. And of course, she does, because she is your bride after all and you would never choose someone you didn't find beautiful...

I briefly pause internally.

She is beautiful.

But you...you are stunning.

I swallow again and then, finally, let my eyes meet Mary's.

Her blonde hair curls around her face - It almost feels like deja-vu from the first time I saw her in that restaurant.

She is beaming as much as you are. Full of disbelief at what I have just announced to you and full of happiness at being able to call herself your wife. Well, how could she not? You're starting a family. A life.

I look at you again.

You're still smiling - do you know how beautiful your smile is? - ...but at her

I hold on it's getting harder to breathe

I feel like undoing the top button of my shirt - something is suddenly choking up my throat.

Out of the blue, you avert your gaze from Mary and look down at the floor - your smile slowly fades, then is just a hint on your lips. Something makes you uncomfortable. Am I making you uncomfortable? Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut...

On the other hand,... come on John, you're a doctor. You really didn't notice anything? Mary had more than the symptoms of pregnancy that would suggest one on their own.

Involuntarily, I feel the corners of my mouth twitch. Jesus, you're the smartest man I know, but you're still as blind as a goldfish sometimes (A/N: lol goldfish aren't actually blind, but whatever).

You don't smile anymore by now - my smirk vanishes. Instead, I see your larynx rise and fall, you swallow and I don't know if I haven't drunk enough or it's the hot air in here, but I feel my throat all at once dry as dust.

I am far from being a specialist when it comes to social interactions, they will forever remain a mystery to me, but I can feel more and more clearly how the mood is slowly...tilting further and further.

The strange feeling inside me grows stronger.

I don't want it to tilt - why does it tilt? - I want to keep looking at your smile and how happy you are and tell you how much you deserve this after all the suffering I've caused you. Because you deserve it, John, so much. And I'm happier for you than you can imagine.

All of a sudden, these lights are blinding me

But I don't, because all these words would be meaningless anyway, as long as you are the person they're addressed to. So, I also look at the floor and clear my throat.

I have to say something. What am I supposed to say, for god's sake?

I can hear myself saying that you should dance - almost as if all by itself, a reflex, it slips from my lips. Apparently, I do know something about social interactions...or at least how to escape them.

Well... admittedly, I'm also keeping you in the middle of the dance floor here, while I increasingly sense what...you're sensing, John. And I know you do - I see it in every fiber of your body, digging into mine like little pinpricks.

You want to dance. You want to finally open your new chapter. Your new life. Without...me.

Like pouring cement, something suddenly presses heavily on my shoulders. Thinking it clearly is different from just feeling it. I've felt it, seen it in your eyes, and heard it in your words for so long, but knowing it...

Luckily, I'm not smiling anymore - by now at the latest, it would look like I was smiling at Mycroft.

The sounds around me blend into a single, loud hum without any effort on my part to block them out. I look down. Count the tiles in front of me, under me, around me. One, two, three. You are on the fourth. Four is my favourite number. You're my favourite person. But I'm... not yours.

Everything's buzzing.

I only half catch Mary saying that I couldn't stand here on my own, that would be rude, and asking what I do would do then.

I lift my gaze again.

I look at you.

And I hear what you say all the more clearly: that you can't dance in threes.

And you're right. You can't. This dance is meant for two and must be completed by two people.

I swallow hard as I realise something.

I never noticed how bright they would be

And that's why I have to go.

I saw in the corner there is a photograph

Mary says something and so do you, but I'm not listening anymore. Instead, I force a smile on my lips and echo Mary's laughter, not knowing why or why I am laughing at all. Maybe because you do – maybe because I wished I could.

As if stuck, I watch you then slowly, dancing, turn away and walk away.

You are no longer looking at me.

Your arm is wrapped tightly around Mary while mine hang loosely and uselessly down my side.

As you reach the edge of the room, you turn Mary to face you and begin to dance a somewhat clumsy waltz. You look so happy as if a photograph has come to life.

A strange...pride grips me, mingling into something even stranger with another feeling inside me as I watch you like this.

I can almost still feel your hands on my shoulders. I can almost still feel your breath mixing with the air. I taught you the steps. My toes hurt the next morning like never before in my life, but I wouldn't hesitate for a second to endure twice the pain to be able to dance with you one more time.

No doubt in my mind, it's a picture of you

Are you thinking about that right now? Or don't you think about me anymore at all?

I do still think about it - much more than what would probably be good for me. I haven't forgotten it yet. I don't think I ever will, to be honest. And... perhaps you already have - perhaps you have for sure. Or maybe you just don't care, because now you have someone new to dance with.

The strange feeling inside me grows stronger and stronger and for a moment it's all I can feel. Like ice-cold claws, something wraps around my heart and squeezes it, pulling it further away from you the longer I look at you.

Sometimes people call me a magician. But I'm not. I'm an observer - But right now, I wish I really was a magician. I wish I could relive the moment I first saw you and press repeat to infinity on all the moments that led up to tonight. I would above all relive the moment when, in the blink of an eye, you were my dance partner and nearly broke my toes and had the most miserable rhythm feeling on earth and I was, for a moment...yours too.

You laugh because of something Mary said - And at that moment I realise once and for all that it will take me a lifetime to get over you.

I may have taught you how to dance, John - But you taught me what it's like to dance with someone.

It lies there alone in its bed of broken glass

I lower my eyes again because somehow, I can't look at you for another second.

Something inside me is now completely cutting off my breath.

I have to pull myself together, goddammit. This is a wedding, even I am aware of that.

All at once the music seems louder and the party more crowded and my shirt collar almost strangles me.

I feel everyone dancing around me, the floor is literally vibrating.

Jesus, everyone is dancing and I'm standing alone in the middle of the dance floor like a complete dork? I almost shake my head at myself. How could I have thought I was a "best man"? I am a fool. A fool who listened to the advice of others to follow his heart, and now has all these little pieces of it remaining, all pointing in the wrong directions.

I should've known. I should've known that...

This bed was never made for two

I'll keep my eyes wide open

Suddenly I see Janine in front of me and I lift up my head again. I blink, one moment confused, the other moment... delightedly surprised. I had completely forgotten that she was here too. She laughs and without my doing a smile spreads across my face, even if I don't quite know why. Her dark hair forms an astounding contrast to her white teeth. Janine...? Maybe I would have a chance to...

I'll keep my arms wide open

I extend my arm and am about to take a step towards her when she suddenly turns to the side and I see the guy next to her, who, quite obviously, seems to be her dance partner.

My arm drops down again on the spot, while Janine, still smiling, turns away and...I'm alone. Again. In the middle of the dance floor. Surrounded by dancing guests. Without a dance partner.

Don't let me

I press my lips together and nod firmly.

This is not the right place for me. Or maybe I'm just the wrong person in the right place. It doesn't matter. It all comes down to the same thing: I really have to go.

Ms. Hudson's voice echoes in my ears as I turn away without looking at you again, my eyes fixed firmly on the tiles in front of me.

Five, six, seven.

"She left the wedding early. I mean, who leaves a wedding early? "

Eight, nine, ten.

Suddenly I can imagine how Margaret felt. I'm leaving my best friend's wedding early too... the earliest, to be exact. The wedding of the person who has ever meant everything to me. The wedding of the person I am now nothing to.

Don't let me don't let me go

Lips still pursed into a thin line, I make my way through the heaving and booming crowd that feels all at once far too strange, far too stupid.

Friends? Family?

Something stings my nose and I clench my teeth to suppress the feeling.

The only thing that remains in the end is being alone. At least for me.

'Cause I'm tired of feeling alone

When I reach the huge, ornate door at the end of the room, I still stop once more.

My coat hangs in front of me, one of dozens of others, all lined up in a row. I suddenly feel...unprotected without it, like a naked person in a battle and only in the suit that cost me the entire salary of our last case.

My hands tighten.

Our.

John thought I looked smart.

He looked gorgeous himself, even though I didn't say so.

Between all the others, my coat doesn't really stand out. It's a bit longer, but there are a few longer coats, and dark they all are in the dull light.

It's nothing special.

Should I stay? After all, John is...

It's replaceable.

I take a harsh breath, reach for my coat and grab the door handle.

Don't let me

John is the person who showed me what it's like to be someone.

Don't let me go

But he's also the person who has now found his own someone.

'Cause I'm tired of feeling alone

And that's not me.

I promised one day that I'd bring you back a star

I tear open the door and fresh air sweeps in, rushing into my parched lungs.

But...it's not enough. Something is still strangling my throat, stealing my breath. Greedily, I take another breath and step outside, hoping that the feeling would finally disappear.

But...nothing. Something inside me still blazes and the flames inside me drive out the oxygen like smoke.

Nevertheless, I feel...cold - is there such a thing as a cold fire? – so I hastily put on my coat and flip up the collar. The thick fabric around my ears muffles the loud music somewhat, which immediately takes some of the weight off my shoulders.

I breathe in again and lean my head back.

The sky is clear - almost as clear as your eyes at night. Just like in them, all the twinkling stars shimmer in it, making it seem so unbelievably vast and me so infinitely small.

Do you remember when we looked at the sky and the stars together, just a few days after we met? You were surprised that I could find such things beautiful. I didn't tell you then that from that night on you were the night sky for me.

I caught one and it burned a hole in my hand

I close my eyes and this time I don't do anything about the stinging sensation in my nose, which steals forth again. Why should I, after all? I am small compared to the night sky. Compared... to you.

Seems like these days I watch you from afar

With a shudder, I lower my head again and inhale sharply. Nothing but sheer darkness, with a few dark green glimmers as touches, spreads before me.

I can't help turning my head again and peering back, through the windows into the room exploding with lights.

It doesn't take me long to find you - you're standing right in the middle of the window, somewhat blurred by the glass.

The light envelops you, almost like a halo. Maybe you really are my guardian angel, if they do really exist - because you did save me.

You... are happy.

I almost smile.

You're happy. And that's all that matters to me.

Just trying to make you understand

I also don't think you understood this afternoon what I meant when I said that we both, Mary and I, love you the most in this world and that we'll have a lifetime ahead to prove that.

I'll keep my eyes wide open, yeah

Cause it wasn't just a promise, it was a confession.

Don't let me, don't let me don't let me go

Because I... I love you, John For the first time in my life I finally know what it feels like to love someone.

'Cause I'm tired of feeling alone

And even though you love someone else, that will never change.

Don't let me, don't let me go

And you don't know and, of course, you never will. And as much as I, selfish as I am, wish it was different...that's fine with me. I'll gladly take on that burden if it means you've found something...someone who can make you happy. Even if it's someone else.

Don't let me, don't let me don't let me go

I turn my head back again and force myself not to look back as I bury my hands deep in my coat pockets as you wrap yours tightly around Mary's.

'Cause I'm tired of feeling alone.

It's okay like this. I had learned all my life what it was like to be alone but had still had the chance to briefly experience what it was like not to be alone.

Don't let me, don't let me

Maybe Irene Adler was right then to call me a lucky man. Maybe I am.

Don't let me go

'Cause you showed me what it's like to be happy - Really happy.

'Cause I'm Tired

I take a step forward and then another and another - one, two, three - as I move further and further away from you and your life - four, five, six - I have to.

Of feeling

I'm a lucky man, John. Or at least I was, but that in itself is worth calling me a lucky man.

Alone

And I'm lucky to be able to call myself one, even happy. I'm...happy,

Don't let me, don't let me go

Because,

'Cause I'm tired of sleeping alone

You are.