I fall asleep with Raph in my arms, and wake up with him still there.
          "Leo?" Raphs raspy voice yawns tiredly. He turns around without opening his eyes.
          "Yes Raph..." I say, I'm so tired, he is too, cuddling into my chest and nuzzling my plastron. My eyes are so heavy I can barely see.
          "I love you..." He smiles and I smile back.
          "I love you too Raphael..."
          My eyes open slowly, almost like they are glued together from when my tears dried. Raph is still in my arms. For a minute I think he's just sleeping... But then it hits me, so hard, like a million punches to the face at the same time... But so much worse... So much worse... Raph waking up, was only just a dream. Why'd I have to wake up to this nightmare?!?
          Tears sting my eyes. I let them come. Trailing down my cheeks to tip tap on Raphael's head.
          "What have I done?!? What have I done?!?" I burry my face in my brother's skin and weep into him.
          Crying won't bring him back, I know that. If it did he'd have a thousand times nine lives. But we are turtles. Nothing can bring him back... Nothing... Or so I think. I'd do anything, go to any amounts of limits to get him back. I'd trade places with him, go on a thousand year journey, anything... But I know he's gone... He's... He's d... Dead.
          I choke on the word rumbling around my miserable mind.
          "Why couldn't it have been me?!? Why couldn't I have died?!? Why did it have to be Raph?!?"
          "Leo?" Mikey's voice drips through the cracks of my head barriers like water flowing through rocks, it finds a way. I cringe and hold Raph tighter.
          Mikey's footsteps seem to echo through the empty halls. It's grown so violent in this agonizing silence. I start shaking and when my youngest brother caresses my torn body, I flinch in surprise and fear. Pure fear I'm so shaken up and beaten down, Mikey takes me by surprise because I'm the big brother. I'm suppose to be strong. The leader. Yet my most careless and joyful yet fragile brother, is the one showing most strength at this time.
          There are no exchange of words, I can't look him in the eye. But I let him hold me as I cry, he sheds tears too. Donnie joins us, then Master Splinter. We are like a bridge. Holding each other, steadying one another. Or like a flower, we are the pedals surrounding the pollen, surrounding the middle... Surrounding Raphael... Even Master Splinter cries... I can't look any of them in the eye. I just can't... Not after the pain... The pain I've caused them... The pain I've caused Raph... The pain I've caused all of us.
          I know I'll never let go...
                    "I'll never let go Raphael... Never... Remember?"