I was awakened by someone's calm voice and a touch on my shoulder.  I slowly opened my eyes and saw a familiar figure above me.  I rubbed my sleepy eyes to see Annie more clearly.

— Kao, go home to sleep, I'll sit with him — She suggested.  She put the bag of fruit on the cabinet next to it.  I shot a quick glance at First, but he was sleeping like the dead, not reacting to anything.  As gently as I could, I freed my hand from his.  I touched his forehead, and as I dug my fingers into his hair, I discovered to my horror that a good handful of them remained in my fist.  I quickly removed my hand.  I felt ashamed and terrified.  If even such a small gesture could do so much damage, maybe I shouldn't touch it at all?  I was scared, I was fucking scared of hurting him, and I didn't want that.  I have been with him constantly for the last almost six years, we have been through a lot together.

— „Just friends“  — Annie mimicked me. — They don't look at each other that way, „just friends“ don't hold hands the way you do.  Kao, sis, I think it's time to face the truth.  The longer you run from it, the worse it gets.  You can hurt him this way or even lose him forever.

She smiled at me as like she knew what was going on in my head.

— I don't want to tell him anything right now, I don't want him to make impulse decisions, I don't want him to tell me something he doesn't really feel — I explained.  — Maybe I've loved him for a long time, you're right about that, but I can't tell him that. Also... I don't know if you know a person like P'Sky, but... He manages our careers and contracts and we'd be screwed...

— Wait... P'Sky? I know him from the worst side, but... Who is he for real?

—  He is said to be a mafia boss, he used to be a drug dealer, but when the BL industry became as profitable and he was able to convince young actors to sign contracts with him, he switched to it.

— Kao... I'll tell you a secret, but promise me you'll keep it to yourself.

— Sure, I promise. — I held out my hand to her, my little finger sticking out.  She furrowed her brow for a moment before reassuring herself.  Apparently, she already learned our Thai way of making promises.

— The point is... Me, Saint, and P'Mark are conducting our own investigations into P'Sky, but we're still gathering evidence.  I have a bad feeling there's something too quiet.  The first day after First's hospitalization, when Saint and I came back from him, someone pushed a large  shopping cart in our direction.  Saint played the hero as usual, and when he saved me, he got a little bit hurt.  We all know it's someone from P'Sky, but we don't have any proof.  If you know him, maybe you can help us?

— Sure, I'll do what I can.  I just don't know what you expect from me?

— Oh, it's simple.  If you ever talk to this asshole, try to provoke him somehow and record it.

— That can be tricky because when we go to talk to him, his jock usually confiscates our phones.

— Wait... I think... I guess you're not the only one who can't bring the phone.  I guess... Let me think who it was... I guess... It's probably P'Zee, I mean Zee Pruk, he can never have a phone with him, but NuNew is never checked.

— If so, why don't you send New on this assignment?

— If only it were that simple — She sighed.

We'd been walking the hospital corridor for over fifteen minutes now, talking about everything, but no one was paying us any attention here.  Here I wasn't the famous actor from the BL series, I was just Kao, the boy who visited his sick friend.  Everyone here had their own story, their burdens to carry.  We passed many people, some were patients, others were just visiting them.  Doctors, nurses and nurses were walking fast in colorful aprons.  There were conversations, the beeping of heart monitors, footsteps, groans of pain, and sobs.  Places like this always gave me goosebumps.

— Okay, I'll do whatever I can. — I agreed. To be honest I also wanted this case to end. P'Sky made enough bad to all of us, he deserves punishment.

But Annie didn't stop her questioning there.  We just walked over to the vending machine with coffee and other drinks.  She chose the coffee for herself, claiming it was much tastier than she expected.  I chose hot chocolate.  Due to our diets and the need to take care of the figure, we rarely allowed ourselves any deviations, but today I was really tired and needed to recharge my energy.

We took our cups and slowly walked towards First's room.

— Annie, you need to remember one thing.

— What thing? Is there anything that I'm missing?

— Yup, but...

— Please, tell me. If you won't tell me, how am I supposed to understand it and never make that mistake again?

— It's about me and First. That's true that I love him. That's true that I need him in my life the way that I feel that without him I'd be half-dead inside. He's like my air but even more, because you can't see the air and I can see him very clearly. I caught myself also wanting his body. You may think it's normal, but for me it never was that easy. We went through so much, we've been blackmailed for 4 years already before by some miracle they let us work together. We tried to be only friends for all these years knowing that if we let ourselves feel anything more, we both will get punished. And if you love someone, you don't want to see that person being punished and suffering, you choose to take all the disappointment and hardship on your back, you think you'll handle it. But at the end you are the one who see your loved one on the knees on the floor in dark room crying because he can't bear it anymore. Then you realize that there's no good choice, all the choices seem wrong, all of them can bring you both more pain. So you choose the option that seems to give the least pain. That's why we somehow know that we love each other, yes, we know this, I bet First knows that I love him, but yet, we can't talk about it. Do you understand now?

— Yes, I do understand you. And I promise, I'll do everything to give you a happy ending — She said and then, to my surprise, she came closer and gave me warm hug. It felt so good. She made me feel safe as if I found shelter that I needed. I had friends, but somehow I felt that she's the one who can understand me without any words. I closed my eyes for a moment and let myself rest a bit. This was very first time when I admitted that I felt tired. I had to fight both for myself and for First, I tried to not show this in his presence, I wanted him to know that I'm his safe place, his comfort zone and someone to rely on. But being strong if tiring sometimes and you need someone else who will be for you the same what you are for others.

I was hugging her and one picture came to my mind. It was the time when First was in hospital, some kids discovered that First Kanaphan Puitrakul is here, so they came to see him. The nurse told them that they shouldn't come here because First needs rest. But my First has beautiful pure soul.

— Please, don't chase them away — He asked and then told the kids to come closer. Each of them had piece of paper and a pen. They wanted to get First's signature. I knew he was tired, he still felt the pain, but yet he told them to come closer, he smiled to them, told them some funny stories about us and asked them if they know also me. Their answer surprised me.

— Of course we know you. You're Khaotung Thanawat Rattanakitpaisarn, his best friend and husband-to-be — The youngest boy said it with so soft voice that I couldn't stop smiling. This touched me. He couldn't be older than 7 years, but the young people, espiecially kids, they see the world as better place than us, because we, as we got older, we discovered the brutality, the violence, injustice and sometimes we wished that we never grew up – The Eclipse showed it very well, maybe because we knew already how to play it or maybe because we didn't have to play pretend...?

First hugged this little boy and then his friend, few years older girls said something what broke us.

— I'm so happy that I got to meet you today, because my doctor says that he doesn't know if I will ever get better, so if I'll go to Heaven tomorrow, I'll go there and tell God to help you and heal you. I was here for past 3 months, whenever I felt lonely or sad I watched the series with you and it brought me so much happiness that I stopped feeling lonely. You gave me so much and now I can't believe that I actually met you. I never thought that someone like you will be like me, I thought you are never sick, you seemed to be so strong, but now, when I can see you, you are not strong anymore.

— Am I not?

— No. Look, you barely can sit straight, let's face it. You became like me, I'm weak to and I may die soon but you know what?

— Hmmm?

— You're not strong, because now you are superhero. I can see you holding back your tears, I know you're in pain, but yet you took the time and you gave it to us, three friends, who may die soon. You didn't chase us away, even tho you feel bad and want this only to stop.

— How do you know?

— Because I was like you. I understand what you feel. Can I hug you too like you hugged my best friend?

First opened his arms for her and then we all started crying. It was painful but very much needed lesson for us all. After that First always asks me to bring him to hospital earlier, so he can check on other patients espiecially kids. He always asks me to prepare little gifts after every visit. He already remembers that this boy's nickname was Neo, same as one of our closest friends in GMM and the girl's nickname is Plaifah.

I shook my head to make these thoughts and memories disappear, but they helped me understand that I need to be very strong now. If First could smile when he felt only pain, I can do that too. I felt the need of telling someone what was really going on in my mind. Annie seemed to be the best for it. From the very first day me and First felt some connection between us and her. 

— Anna...

— Ummm?

—  I can tell you something?  I've felt for a long time that I wish someone outside of our little group knew about it, and... Anyway, it's about First.

— Kao, I understand everything.  What is between you two is beautiful, unique and magical, I love watching you, I loved it long before I was asked to help with this series.  It was nice to watch videos with you in the lead role then, I always had the feeling that maybe you don't realize it yet, but that's when you started to fall in love with each other.  I guess it's not easy, he's your best friend, you're afraid of losing him, that something will go wrong and you'll lose him even as a friend.  But Kao, if you don't take a chance, you'll never know.

— That's what I wanted to talk about.  When he recovers, and I want to believe that he will, I will propose to him.  I want to spend the rest of my life with him, however short it may be for one or both of us.  Even if one of us dies just a day later, at least I'll know that at least for those few hours I was his goddamn husband, and you know what?  It sounds beautiful, don't you think?  Khaotung, First's husband.

Even only saying these words made me feel touched and happy. This was something I longed for. If we had only one day left, can we just spend it together?

— I'm proud of you and I'm glad you think so.  I just have a little question: can I help you choose an engagement ring?

— You read my mind, right? Admit it: you are actually a witch who is over two hundred years old and can steal thoughts from people's heads — I was joking.

— No, I just always wanted to do it, but it looks like I won't be able to, so it would be great if I could help you with that.

— But that's an excellent idea!  However, I would like it to be two rings and it would be good if at least the first letters of our nicknames were engraved on them.  It must also express sincere, undying love.

I liked talking about it openly, clearly expressing my needs and desires. It was something that I could never do with P'Sky still scaring me in my mind.

— I will search the depths of the internet for you and I am sure I will find something special, and if not, I will design something myself and ask it to be made for me.  Oh!  Two weddings in such a short time!  I'm over the moon!  Love wins.

— Two?!  Who else?!  You and Perth?

— Calm down, easy, not us.  Fluke and Ohm asked me to help them organize too.  That's why I'm thinking about getting Perth to start a wedding or engagement company, because we're slowly getting used to it.

— Fluke and Ohm?

– Yes – She said with a big smile on her face and started to tell me what had already been arranged and prepared.  She was very excited and made me want to speed up First's healing process even more.

***

The following weeks passed quite peacefully until we were besieged by tragic news.  I was just picking up First from the hospital after his last tests.  He had already had chemotherapy, which surprisingly worked much better than we expected.  Dr. Jimmy melted with delight at the amazingness of my friend's body, which tolerated the treatment so well.  According to Jimmy, it was something of an almost miracle for which we should be grateful.

I put him in the passenger seat, escorted the wheelchair to his seat (First was very weak, so weak that I didn't want to make him walk, and asked Jimmy if I could borrow one of the five free wheelchairs in the hall for a moment.  He agreed, just told me to put it back in its place afterwards) and when I got back to my car my phone rang.  It was Annie.  In a shaky voice, she spoke of Fluke's death.  I didn't understand any of it.  It didn't reach me.  I thought it was some kind of distasteful joke, but when she started crying, I realized she wasn't joking.  The phone slipped out of my hand and landed on my lap.  I stared blankly at the space in front of me for a long time.

—  Kao?  What's happening?  Tell me.  What have you learned?  —  First questioned me.  He must have seen from my face that it was no good.

— Fluke... Our friend, the one who starred in Until We Meet Again, was murdered.

—  Wait... What?

I felt guilty because somewhere in the back of my mind I thought that if Fluke died, then maybe First would live.  I know it's rude and selfish, but it was First I loved, it was him I wanted to save at all costs, and now I was beginning to believe that the miracle Dr. Jimmy was talking about was  actor whose nickname started with the letter F. I know it's childish and naive thinking and I was very ashamed of it later, but at that moment I had conflicting feelings because on the one hand I regretted Fluke, but on the other hand I was glad for it  that the results of First's research improved significantly.

I grabbed his hand, which surprised him a lot, and all of a sudden I said:

— Don't ever leave me.  Promise me you'll never leave me the way Fluke left Ohm. I can't live without you. I just can't. Promise me.

First looked straight ahead for a long time before finally turning his face in my direction and replying with regret clearly audible in his voice.

— You know I can't promise you that.  But you know.  None of us know what tomorrow will bring.  I don't want to make empty promises, and I don't want you to suffer even more if I break that promise one day.