For months I tried to ignore it.  I looked away when I saw their faces somewhere (usually laughing, happy), I told myself it was better that way, but that day Mixxiw provoked me.  It was just the two of us at our favorite restaurant, where only the two of us would go, I didn't take anyone else here, and Mixxiw usually hid here from Earth when they had a fight about something, which happened oddly often these days.  It was a place where no one expected to meet two famous BL actors, located in the quiet of one of the side streets of the city.  The atmosphere here has always been very pleasant, even today, when the sky was covered with dark clouds, from which a fine rain was falling down the windows.

People walked around us indifferently, paying no attention to us.  This is what we needed: our safe haven, unknown to our fans, co-workers or Mix's girlfriend.

— Look at this, this could be a good opportunity for us — e said, shoving the phone under my nose.  I saw a flyer with information about the new casting.

— Why do you think so?

— Because the whole project is organized by AlphaTauri and RedBull, they are two teams in Formula 1! — His voice gradually rose, almost shouting the last word.  I raised one eyebrow.

— Wait... Formula 1, you say? — I tried to hide from him the fact that this information really interested me. I couldn't really see how F1 would be connected with our BL industry?

— Yes!  This is a great opportunity to promote your group of actors!  Moreover, I think we should apply too! All of us! Let's give it a try!

—We?  I don't know... — I hesitated.  Despite the passage of time, I still can't get my old friends out of my mind, they will definitely want to prove themselves, will be applying for roles, and I'm not sure if I'm ready to meet them again.

— Come on, please.  Go there with me!  – He insisted.

At work, I didn't get carried away by my emotions, I could tell someone in cold blood that they were not good for something, I could wipe out someone's dreams and years of work if they didn't show what I expected of him or her, but when I talked to Mixxiw  I treated him like my friend, it wasn't easy to just say no to him, especially since I still owed him a favor for hiding what he already knew about me from everyone.

Two months ago I couldn't take it anymore and sneaked up to Zee's house, dressed in black clothes, with a mask on my face, approached from behind.  I knew the road perfectly well, having been there many times before, I knew which part of the property was not covered by any cameras.  From a distance, I saw the lights inside.  I crouched by the fence and watched.

I quickly noticed that Zee wasn't alone there, someone was with him, wandering around the kitchen as if he was cooking something.  I didn't see Zee until some time later when he stirred, rising from his chair at the kitchen table.  The same table where we used to eat breakfast and lunch together, where we sat, learning our lines and sometimes practicing them.  Looking at them, I couldn't get rid of the annoying little voice in my head whispering, "Does he know that we did that too?".

And then something else happened.

Zee approached the boy from behind, put his arm around his waist, and kissed his neck.

A fury I had never known hit me.  Without looking around, I grabbed a nearby stone and was about to throw it at the kitchen window when I felt someone grab my arm and prevent me from carrying out my intention.  I turned my head and saw a familiar face in the pale moonlight.  Mixxiw.  Where did he come from?  What did he want?  Why did he stop me?  I had a lot of questions for him, and he had even more for me.  My heart was beating unbearably fast and loud, so loud I thought it was going to alert Zee, but to my relief, it didn't.  On the other side of the black iron fence behind the wall, two lovers couldn't see the world outside each other and had no idea that at the sight of them my soul shattered into hundreds of tiny, impossible to put together pieces.

—Who are you and what are you doing? —  Mixxiw asked then and pulled the mask off my face.  I felt helpless, defenseless and powerless, I wanted to finally give up and tell someone about everything, but no words left my mouth.  I was too used to pretending, to hiding what I really thought, it became a hard habit to break.  Instead, I cried like a baby, even though I hate crying.  I've always been taught that a man's cry is something that robs him of his honor, equates him with a woman or even a small, stupid child.  I've been told a man has to be strong and tough, and since I got drunk after what I did to Zee, I've never cried again.  I listened to P'Sky and devoted myself to work, I searched for young talents and helped them develop their careers, we have already shot one series together and were going to shoot another in the future, but so far we have run out of ideas.

- Saint?  You... You shouldn't be here, right? —  He asked another question.  — Gosh, Saint, you're shaking all over!  Come to my place, I live across the street, have a hot drink and tell me everything.

Back then, we weren't as close as we are now, but it was my escapade that brought us closer together.  Mixxiw took me to his house, one mystery solved: he saw a strange masked figure through his window, so out of curiosity and a little bit of concern for his neighbor, he went out to see if anything was wrong.  When he talked about it, I realized that I was really disguising myself, anyone could see me and I would be screwed if it was anyone else.

Mix led me into his kitchen, put on water for tea, and a few moments later placed steaming mugs in front of us.

My heart, as well as my breathing, slowly calmed down.  Mix sat on the opposite side of the table and became all ears.  I didn't tell him about what really happened between Zee and me, I still couldn't swallow it even though I was the one who did the wrong thing.  I was racked with remorse, guilt pinned me almost to the ground, and yet I didn't utter a word about it.

— I miss him.  We were really close.  You know what he's doing with his new partner he used to do with me?  — I asked, nodding my chin in the direction of the building next door.

—What exactly do you mean?

– We ate meals together at his house, we learned our roles together, we practiced them together ...

— Yes, but you know what they say: NuNew is his true lover.

— What?!  — I exclaimed and immediately started coughing, choking on the drink I drank, which at the same time burned my esophagus.  My eyes filled with burning tears again.  Mix patted my back as if that would help.

— You didn't know?

— No, how would I know...?

— Weird, everyone's talking about it, ZeeNuNew is a hot topic right now.  Didn't know or didn't want to know?

Why did this initially casual conversation leave me feeling rejected and hurt?

"Damn!  Zee, did you recover so quickly?  I thought you'd never forget what I did to you, because you see, I can't forget!" — I thought and imagined that we were meeting again, that his "new boyfriend" was at the meeting, that I went up to him and kissed his  Zee in front of him, which makes the young one run away crying, realizing that his beloved Zee is not as holy as he seems, but a moment later I was overcome by more remorse, because I was also able to remember how much  Zee was hurt after what I did.  I should be glad he's okay, I should be grateful to that kid for making Zee laugh again.  All the anger and frustration I felt when I saw that boy in my place evaporated as memories of my former friend flooded in. — Don't you think you've done enough wrong, Saint? — I asked myself in mind.

And then I was constantly looking for some opportunity to undo all the damage I'd done.

Mix, meanwhile, told me about Zee's relationship with that boy, whom he introduced as NuNew Chawarin Perdpirijawong, whom I already knew a bit because I had met him once... On the casting for series in  which they both played.  But then I didn't have enough courage, I just backed out...

The same Mix just now waved his hand in front of my face.

— Hello, earth to Saint, are you here or have you flown away to another planet?

— I am.  Why are you acting like you never thought of yourself?  — I grunted rudely, not caring how bad my words sounded.  Mix knew exactly what I was and didn't expect me to be nice to him, which made it a lot easier.

— So... What?  Shall we go to that audition?

—Okay, we'll go, but take your boyfriend with you.  – I advised him.

— What, this idiot? There is no way! — He crossed his arms over his chest, pretending to be offended, and turned his face to the window.  Sometimes we jokingly called Earth Mixxiw's boyfriend.  It was funny because Mix and Earth lived together, they often auditioned for roles together, appearing together almost everywhere as if they were sewn together.  Even if Mix already had a girlfriend, he couldn't share this information with the fans as he intended to continue working on BL series, and it would be hard for him to admit that he has a girlfriend, and Earth is just a very close friend.

“This world is pretty fucked up after all” —  I thought, shaking my head in disbelief.

The food brought to us by the waiters remained untouched, but somehow I did not feel hungry, lately I had no appetite at all and I had to force myself to eat something, it was no different now.

— Oh!  What were you up to this time? —   I asked, bracing myself for a longer litany of Earth's transgressions.  Sometimes these two remind me of a good old married couple: in the morning they argue about something, and in the evening one of them brings flowers, something sweet, and they reconcile, only to walk around the neighborhood the next day hand in hand like a couple who just confessed their feelings for each other.  I never quite understood what exactly was going on between them, but I preferred not to go into it.

Indeed, Mix told me that it started with Earth being angry with him for not washing the dishes in the evening, which caused Earth to do it himself in the morning, so Mix, not to be indebted to him, pointed out to Earth  that he didn't take it shopping with him.

— And actually, I don't even know what he's mad at me for anymore. —  He sighed at the end, and then I remembered something.

I reached into my pocket for my phone, scrolled through my notifications, found one that Mix himself had asked me to save a month earlier, and it read: "Mix-Earth, Anniversary." The date was set for today. I immediately showed it to my friend.

— Oh shit!  I'm a moron!  I knew I forgot something!  Thanks Saint, you are the best! — He screamed, jumping up from his seat and running to the exit.  — See you soon!  I need to prepare something quickly!  If we don't record this, Ziggy will be pissed!

I just waved at him and finally got down to eating.  I still had no appetite, but my insides were cramping with hunger, so I decided to eat a little anyway.  I was wondering what it's like when you have someone to prepare something for the next anniversary of your relationship?  Was Mix feeling excited or pressured?  Was he afraid of missing the gift, or had he known Earth so long that he understood him and his desires perfectly?  Even if it was fake... There was something sincere in Mix's eyes and demeanor when I reminded him about the anniversary... Maybe there was something more between them after all?  And I?  Will I ever get a chance to understand and experience it for myself?

"No, I don't deserve this, not after what I've done to Zee" — I reminded myself and resignedly put down the cutlery. The dishes with the food we ordered were still almost full. What a waste!  Recently, I have been trying to live as modestly and as ecologically as possible.

I started thinking about the audition Mixxiw mentioned.

Perhaps it was fear behind my original refusal.  Fear of confrontation, of meeting not only Zee, but also Max and NuNew.  What would I say to them?  Would anyone even want to talk to me?  Zee and Max, definitely not.  What about New and Nat?  New didn't know me, so there was little chance I'd be able to talk to him, but Nat... This might be more difficult, because I suspected Max had warned his boyfriend and told him to stay away from me.  It's okay, maybe just talking to New will help me?

I didn't lack courage, in life I usually took up all challenges, I liked to be on the move, constantly doing something, having a job.  Every morning I made a to-do list for the day, and when I reached a goal, I ticked it off my list on my phone.  I didn't take time off at work, I didn't need it: no one was waiting for me at home, I wasn't in a hurry to get to empty four walls, I preferred to spend time with my charges, i.e. kids with artistic talents I discovered.  I affectionately called them "kids," although some were older than me. No one minded, I was the owner, so I could do what I felt like.

I wasn't just afraid of Zee and Max...

There was someone else...

The person who was behind everything that tore me and my friends apart...

A heartless monster, a psychopath who gets satisfaction from watching others suffer.  Why is it so common for psychopaths to be so fucking smart?  That they can be smarter than the police and all services, that they manage to avoid justice so easily?  Why doesn't anything bad happen to them?  Is it worth it to be soaked with evil to the core?  Maybe I should too... No, that's impossible, it was enough that I did one bad thing and still, despite the passage of time, I feel so hopelessly guilty... I couldn't be like that...

The last message I got from him was about NuNew and forbade me from talking to him, but this time I have to take a chance.  Mix was right, P'Zee suffered enough already, I don't want anyone to hurt him again, it's enough that I did it and that I'll never forgive myself for it.

* * *

Exactly one week later, though I don't believe I'm doing it myself, I'm standing in the crowd with Mix and Earth waiting for my turn to audition for a role.  I know that I have to somehow convince those who make decisions.  As Zee and NuNew enter, my heart stops beating and I hold my breath.

Up close, Zee looks really good, I can't take my eyes off him.  Mix notices this and snaps his fingers right in front of my face.

— Don't stare, it's rude. — He admonishes me.

— Uhm. — I just nod, unable to say a single complete sentence.

There's a feeling inside that I've never known before, taking all the air I need to live, squeezing my heart and crushing my lungs.  I want to run out of there screaming.  Zee doesn't notice me, his gaze fixed on the boy next to him.  They don't hold hands, they walk at a distance from each other, and yet I'm sure everyone can guess what they have in common.  They're both beaming.  Zee laughs, he really does, and a panic attacks me, the source of which I can't locate.

— Breathe. — Earth commands me.  He and Mixxiw both seem really worried about my condition.  They've never seen me act like this.  Even after breaking off my friendship with Zee and Max, I was calm, resolute, throwing myself into new responsibilities so as not to give myself a chance to think, to brood over what had happened.

But now I can see them, behind Zee and NuNew come Max with Nat, Mark, Park, Poppy, Tommy, Jimmy, James, Net and the newest addition, a lovely couple of best friends: Yim and Tutor.  They came in a group, as if they had arranged to meet beforehand.  They are chatty, loud, boisterous and so full of energy and life that something in my chest starts to prick.  I force myself to look away from them.  Mix grabs my arm and pulls me in the only known direction.

— I think you need to catch your breath. —  He informs me and leads me outside.

— Saint, are you okay? — Asks Earth, who follows us like a shadow.

I nod, though what I really want to say is that nothing is right, that I miss my friend, and that I just can't accept that someone else has already taken my place, even though I might have expected it.  Inside I scream in pain and despair, but on the outside I remain untouched rock, no smile, no tears, no emotion.

— I don't think it's okay. — Mix doesn't ask my permission, exchanges a knowing look with Earth, and they both hug me tight, not letting me think too much.

We stand there for a moment, swaying slightly from side to side.  Under their touch and with the calm voice of Mixxiw, suppressed emotions slowly subside.  I breathe deeply, I feel stronger, but just a little.  I've never let anyone see a moment of weakness before, only once, then... Never before and never after.

— Look, if you're scared... We're scared too, it's normal to be scared.  You don't always have to be brave. — Mix says, releasing me from his embrace.  Earth just stands nearby, ready to take action should the need arise.

— I have to... I have to be brave — I whisper so softly that I doubt any of them heard me, especially with the cacophony of other sounds all around us, the roar of car engines on the nearby road, the cheerful shouting of children in the park to our right  the chirping of birds, the distant honking of car horns, the tapping of a hammer on sheet metal somewhere behind our backs...

— Saint, you'll be fine.  If you want to overcome your fear, just do what you fear the most.

I listen to him, but I have the impression that he is speaking to me in a foreign language.  I stare at him, trying to get a better sense of what he's saying.  How do I do what I fear most?  How?  If he knew what I was really afraid of, he wouldn't have given me this advice.

Leaving the house I thought I was ready, dressed comfortably, ate a modest breakfast, mentally telling myself that I couldn't afford to faint from lack of energy, practiced my lines one last time in front of the mirror, and it seemed to me that the day will be no different from dozens of similar days and similar castings.  I couldn't be more wrong.

If I want to face my fear, I have to overcome myself, I have to overcome the barrier that I have built in my mind.  I have to...

It's just so damn hard!

— Can I go home? —  I ask desperately, deciding to ditch the mask, to let them see my real face.  I didn't have much to lose, my world fell apart two years ago.

— NO!  — They both exclaim at the same time.  They are extremely agreeable on this.  Mix grabs my shoulders and shakes me.

— You're going to go there, show what you've got to show, and you're going to get the part, you understand? —  He orders me.  — You will.  No matter how much you don't want to do it right now, you will.  You're going to conquer that fucking fear and show everyone how much you're worth.  You will go there and amaze them with your skills, understand?  Fear is something that is limiting you right now.  You are not alone, you have us.

Perhaps that's what I needed.  I needed a friend who would kick my ass and push me forward the moment I felt I was about to stop.  Did I atone for my sins when I got such good friends?  Or will they want something in return?  No, they are not.  Besides, they know that if they need something, they can simply ask me for it, and I just can't say no to them.

Now I was facing the most important and difficult task: to convince those people, to prove to them that my presence could be useful to them, and thus create an opportunity for an honest conversation with New.  I don't want to separate them, I just want the young one to be aware of the risk he's taking, maybe he hasn't had a chance to know P'Sky's true face yet.  He needs to know this psychopath is fucking dangerous.