I ran after him.  I couldn't leave him alone now, couldn't let him think too much about it.  He was running to our hotel, where we were temporarily staying, to be closer to the set.  His condition was much better than mine.  I had hardly gone to the gym these past months, and when Max managed to get me there, I didn't feel like exercising at all.  Nevertheless, he continued in his efforts, he was always somewhere around, and he made me keep on fighting.  Soon I started regaining my rhythm and took a second breath, but I didn't catch up to Nu until at the hotel.

My racing thoughts tormented me all the time.

„New, what am I going to do with you?  You don't even know how much I don't want you to go through this!  You think I'm bad person, you think I'm cruel, that I want to use you for my own career, right?  What should I tell you?  What would you like to hear, Nu?  Why don't you know I can't tell you this?  I would like to withdraw, but it is too late for that.  And if I don't convince him, the hell knows what P'Sky will do!  This asshole is unpredictable!  What if he hurts Nu?“

There was a vision in my mind of P'Sky chaining New with a thick rope, setting him in a chair that was the only piece of furniture in the whole dimly lit, stuffy room with no air conditioning whatsoever.  My memories were mixed with the images suggested by my imagination.  Any of us who had worked for P'Sky for a long time knew the man was crazy.  In his presence, you were afraid to raise your voice, you were afraid to breathe even louder.  He was freezingly emotionless, ruthless, didn't know what pity, understanding or acceptance was.  It happened that he was limited only to cutting our salaries, if we did not listen to him, or arranging our schedules in such a way that we would not have time for ourselves at all, but this could still be considered happiness.  If he finds out that Nu is my weakness, he will try to take advantage of it.

"But he will hurt Nu ... I can't let that happen!"

Anxiety tightened my throat.  Before I stepped into the room, I leaned against the cool wall to calm down and catch my breath.  The heart in my chest was pounding very loudly, powerfully, as if it wanted to make an earthquake.  I leaned forward, resting my hands over my knees.  I grabbed every gulp of air eagerly.  My world suddenly became very tiny, limited to only one person, a sweet and gentle boy with a good heart, who only wanted to fulfill his dreams without hurting anyone, and whom anyone could hurt.  Nu was funny, cute, sometimes so helpless and clumsy, a little naive and oblivious to the horrors of the entertainment industry he was part of, but that was what made me want to protect him.  Until I saw him at that casting, I was something completely different, a quiet, quiet, withdrawn guy in his twenties, a lonely old wolf with a broken heart and scars from his past.  He changed me, he taught me to laugh again, he gave me hope that it would still be fine, I was really happy working with him.  I wanted to explain everything to him, but couldn't say anything about P'Sky.  I was ashamed.  Was I afraid that when New found out, he would hate me?  Will he stop respecting me?  Will he turn his back on me?

The mere memory of it gave me a shiver, and I shivered and grabbed my chest near my heart.  Through the T-shirt I felt my fingers painfully clenched against my skin, but it was this pain that made me feel best about what I had to do.  I'll have to seemingly move away from New, P'Sky has to see the distance between us, he has to believe that we have nothing in common or that we are just Phi-Nong, siblings.  Nu's explosion in the Rotten Obscure's office, as we called him together with Max and Singto, may be good for us.  I just need to explain it somehow New.  If New agrees to my plan, maybe we'll survive.

"But how the hell am I supposed to tell him ?!  I cannot mention anything in the world about what has happened before, I cannot return to the old story.  If New finds out the truth, at some point he may be surprised and step out of the role, he may forget himself, and then the whole plan will go to the head!  No no no!  I can't tell him anything!  New can not know!  He has a huge talent, but will he be able to play constantly and play double?  Oh!  What am I even thinking ?!  This is New Chawarin, the guy who charmed everyone in the audition, he could handle it, he just needs a little practice“.

I tried to convince myself, but it was not successful.  I made excuses for everything, something that thwarted every plan.  P'Sky can be very violent, he is dangerous, but no one has hard evidence against him.  Besides, none of us wants to destroy our careers, and such a scandal wouldn't help us in any way, what's more, it could make the situation worse, for many people it would cause a trauma that would be difficult to deal with.  I need something else, some other brilliant idea.  Or at least something that will buy us some time.

In the end, I made my decision.  I was almost completely calm now.  I took a deep breath and, without knocking, opened the door to the apartment I had rented for New.  He was standing right at the entrance and was clearly surprised by my appearance.  He was staring at me with his eyes wide open, his mouth slightly open, as if he too couldn't catch his breath a moment ago.  Maybe he wasn't in such a good shape as it initially looked like?

In the room, I immediately pressed New against the wall, blocking him any way out.  I wanted him to listen to me, to understand why I was doing this.  He looked at me with contempt, the atmosphere was very tense.  He was breathing hard, he was clearly nervous.  When he is very nervous about something, one side of his mouth drops while the other stays motionless.  It's even fun.  But that was just another weak point of my idea: if under pressure New betrays anything, we could lose it all.  One small mistake, one small slip-up, some unconscious gesture is enough.

-—Let me go!  — He ordered, trying to push me away, which he failed.  He was smaller and weaker than me.

— Not until you promise me to listen to me.

— Why would I do this?  I don't want to listen to you, I don't want you to invent more fairy tales.

— What fairy tales?  Have I ever lied to you?  — I asked without taking my eyes off his.

He glanced to the side and pouted even more when he couldn't find a satisfactory answer in his memory.

— Exactly.  Nu, listen to what I have to say, please. — I was ready to kneel and beg him on my knees to give me a chance to explain everything.  I was about to do so when he answered me furiously.

— What if I really don't want to hear it?  I know you're on his side, not mine, whatever you want to say, keep it to yourself.  You're a goddamn asshole!  — He stared at me as if he already hated me, as if he despised me.  I guess nothing could have hurt more.  P'Sky knew exactly where to hit to hurt the most.  Nu was my weakness, something that gave P'Sky an advantage.  I wanted to explain it to him so much, tell him the truth, I wanted him to understand, but I couldn't!  P'Sky thinks New hates me now, and it better stays that way, safer...

Oh who am I kidding?

It won't be safer.  New should know about everything, he should know the truth to know what to expect and what to defend against ... But... He didn't give me a chance to explain myself.  I was struggling with my thoughts.  After all, even if he didn't know, P'Sky might find another reason to punish him for something ... Damn! I'm stupid!

He was terribly stubborn, but I didn't want any disagreements between us.  For a split second I lost my concentration, and he took advantage of it right away and slipped out, running away again somewhere.  I didn't chase him a second time, I let him think it through for himself.  I had to do something else, somehow convince P'Sky.  It can't end like this.  And I don't want to lose New.  Only the possibility of losing him made me realize how a great treasure he was for me.

Before I left, I looked at his picture on my phone for a long time.  It was cute, he rested his head on my shoulder in the car and slept sweetly, not yet knowing what horrible experiences await both of us.  He seemed so carefree!  I wanted him to always be like that, because he was special to me.

It is said that love pushes us to do things that we would never suspect ourselves of doing.  Does that mean I already love him?  That he won my heart so easily and I didn't even defend myself against it?  He was too important to me, too invaluable, to let go of my hands.  It made me remember what it meant to be happy.  All I had to do was hear his voice and I was smiling.  There were also those more naughty, sometimes predatory thoughts.  Even when practicing scenes in the interrogation room, I sometimes forgot where and who we were, I sometimes looked at him a little too long or ignored the loud "CUT!" Shouted by P'Aof several times before we finally broke away  to hug each other tightly a moment later and thank each other for successfully completing the next task.

Some parts of our short story to play were really hard and challenging, then we would spend long hours practicing the same scene over and over again until our director and our trainer were finally satisfied with the results.  Every day I came to work with a smile on my face, knowing Nu would be here too.  I got up early in the morning, went back to jogging, took a quick shower, made sure in front of the mirror that I looked good (for some reason I wanted to look good, I wanted to be handsome and attractive, and although I didn't want to openly admit it to anyone, I wanted to  my appearance attracted Nu's gaze, I wanted to impress him), and I would go where we had our first assignment planned.  It was like that every day.

I regained the joy of life, I wanted to fight again, I wanted to move forward, take up new challenges.  Max teased me a lot about it, teasing me that New had already caught me in his snare, that one word of his is enough, and I'm already flying to him like a moth to a fire.

— Be careful that this fire does not burn you —  Max stated once.  He was laughing at me then, and I was pretending to be dumb, pretending I didn't know what he meant.

Maybe I didn't want to realize it.  Maybe I was better off with this ignorance and uncertainty?  Maybe I wasn't doing this for Nu at all, but for myself?  After all, who is sane, given the choice of suffering or peace, choosing suffering?  I didn't want a repeat of what was with Saint, I didn't want New to break my heart the same.  I liked it, I made it clear, but it took a different kind of courage to admit that I loved him that I lacked.

„I will love you secretly, quietly, I won't let anyone know about it, because if they knew, they would like to hurt us...  Or he could get bored and find someone better, younger, maybe at his age, he will leave me without looking back.  I cannot afford even a moment of weakness.  I must be strong.  Nobody can know.  Sorry, Nu.  I'm sorry for loving you so easily, my love can destroy your life, so I better move away from you“.

Such thoughts bothered me.

Someone once told me that if there was someone in my life who would bring me to this state, I must make sure that I did everything in my power to keep him by my side.  Wait ... Wasn't that Saint?  Didn't he say that?

I returned to P'Sky's office, where the owner himself appeared a moment later.  I didn't believe he would agree to give up his hopeless idea, but still had to try.  I was acting against myself and against what I had made up for myself, but just imagining that New might hate me was the worst torture I could have endured before my heart burst completely and ceased to exist.

— There will be new pairs, you will be forgotten, and if that happens, who will hire you?  — P'Sky's words hurt like hell, maybe because they were so real?  Sometimes I thought about it, I couldn't get away from it.  That was our reality, we are here only for a moment and we have to use our moment 100%, we have to sacrifice something, give something back.  It's hard for me to imagine now that I used to be the same gullible kid with my head full of dreams as New is now, I think we were all alike: we were all looking for something, maybe we were looking for ourselves?  Maybe we built ourselves from these fictional characters?

—  But...

—  There is no "But" my dear Zee, you just have to do it.  You will pretend to be a couple, and if I find out that you are really together, you will both regret it — That sandpaper voice, emotionless, devoid of even a hint of compassion or understanding, used to giving orders, to being pushed around, to cornering us according to  of my own discretion ... It aroused my objection.  But the fact that he forced NuNew to make the same sacrifice ... It boiled the blood in my veins, tensed every muscle in my body, as if preparing it for a fight.

"You fucking motherfucker, you'll regret it!" - I thought and didn't recognize myself.  I'm not acting like this!  I don't growl at my boss, no matter how much I dislike something he tells me to do, I don't clench my fists when someone hurts me.  Especially since P'Sky didn't hurt me directly but New, which as a result hurt me even more, as did knowing New might hate me for it.  I could agree to anything but this.

— They don't want it, boss, let it go this time. —  P'Aof, my personal manager, whom I always treated as a friend, but who couldn't keep me from P'Sky, cut in on the conversation.  P'Aof came over from me and put his hands on my shoulders.

— I can't, for some incomprehensible reason the fans love them and want them to be together.  So we have to give them what they want, don't you think? — This sentence, spoken with so much venom and hatred, showed me the true face of P'Sky once again.  — It can bring us huge profits.

— Of course, the money ... — I growled softly, and P'Aof squeezed my shoulders tighter, as if warning me that I had gone too far.  I looked up at P'Sky and apologized.  It was the only way to do it.  We all knew here that it was better not to discuss with our boss.  I didn't want to upset him, I didn't want him to play on someone else afterwards.

— Talk to Chavarin, why don't you find a way to bring it all together? —  P'Aof suggested.

I nodded my head.

— Ok, I'll try to convince him.

— Great, you have an hour, we'll talk again in an hour.  Wait for me in the conference room.

— Yes, sir.

For P'Sky, I always had to be polite, obey his orders, smile when he told me to do so, and cry on demand.  I didn't want to drag Nu into this swamp.  We had known each other for some time, and I had to admit that I was very close to this kid and it was getting harder and harder for me to imagine my world without him: how empty it seemed, even when we hadn't seen each other for only a few days.

I know what my job is, it's part of the promotion of our series, the so-called fan service, most of the BL actors do it, although there are also those who don't have to strain too much, because in their private life they are also together, I knew at least three of them  were real couples and one of them played with me and New in our series, the other made a guest appearance, and the third hid as best they could.

"Let it hurt, let them hurt me, let them do what they want, but let New leave alone." — I thought.

— Don't worry — P'Aof cheered me as we walked slowly down the hall.  — There will be a way for sure.  If you want, I can be some kind of your spokesperson, then you won't have to answer these questions.

— Thank you, P'Aof.  I really appreciate it, but I have to deal with it myself.

— Are you sure?

— Yes, I'm sure.

— Great. Then see you tomorrow. I hope in better conditions.

— Yeah. See you.

P'Aof left in a direction he knew only, and I stayed in the building trying to reach Nu.  The first time there was a beep, the second time the answering machine rang, which meant he had turned off the phone.  I was angry with myself.  And time was running out.  I was ready to tell Nu the truth, maybe I won't have the courage to tell you about Saint, but the rest is different ...

But after an hour had passed and I had not been able to speak to New, I walked downcast to meet P'Sky with my head drooping.  I was wondering how he will punish me?  He was capable of anything, including physical violence, torture, rape, and even killing someone important to me or New.  The last time I didn't listen to him, I found my beautiful red-haired kitten dead the next evening, and when I took him to an autopsy to find out what happened, it turned out that he was poisoned.  I knew it was the work of P'Sky's people because he left me a message: "If you want everyone to be safe, do what I say or I do  whatever I did to that furry thing in your backyard  to them."

🏳️‍🌈🥶🏳️‍🌈🥶🏳️‍🌈🥶🏳️‍🌈🥶🏳️‍🌈🥶🏳️‍🌈

Annie here:

I'm sorry if there are some mistakes, I'm still learning English, I promise it was better in Polish

But Hey, guys, please, let me know what do you think about this?

My imagination goes wild sometimes!

And in reality I don't want any of actors to suffer as I wrote here, it's just fictional story.

And I know I probably should watch „War of Y“ to get better vision on everything, but I don't want to do it to not fuck the plot here, because probably if I watched it, I'd like to change something and it would create huge mess here 🙈.

Anyways thank you for reading this. I love you! I hope you're healthy and happy, I wish you all the best ❤️

And I can't wait for Cutie Pie special episode and Between Us the Series! Currently I'm watching The Eclipse and I'm totally in love. And if you read this, can you tell me, what are you watching now? Or what series are you waiting for the most?

Please, interact with me, I'm sad that you don't want 😭

~Annie