These dreams intensified when I started dating Yuki in earnest.  At first I didn't take it seriously, just ordinary dreams, no big deal, I didn't care about it, but as time went by, they were more and more annoying, intrusive, appeared for no reason, even after a very good day, and made me worry about my health  mental.  I am a Formula 1 driver, my day is full of tasks, I thought it might be overwork, but when I told Charles about it, he disagreed with me.

—  What are you saying, what is in your dreams?  —He asked as if to make sure.

— I don't know exactly, but we are definitely in a foreign country, it is not Europe, but rather Asia, often at school or in its courtyard.  Usually I don't remember exactly what I dream about, only emotions and feelings, I often wake up screaming or with wet cheeks.  And it feels like it's not dreams, but memories, but it's impossible!

We hid in my hotel room, ordering a bottle of whiskey and red wine each, wine for Charles, whiskey for me.  We were getting drunk on another terrible weekend, we didn't even want to count how many points we had lost due to someone else not working properly.  We were fast, Charles even had a great car, but so what if we didn't even have a chance to fight seriously on the track?  When we were younger, we often raced with each other: me, Charles, Esteban and Anthoine.  But we grew up, one of us passed away, life changed, we weren't those kids with our heads full of dreams anymore.  We became adults, ruthless athletes doing what our bosses told us to do, we learned how to be excellent actors, we rarely spoke frankly in public about how we felt, we used to repeat the same sentences over and over again and I don't even know why in  we were asked any questions at all.

I hated that feeling when I didn't even get a chance to show my skills when our strategists called me to the pit stop at a time when I still had a chance to overtake at least two opponents.  This is how it was today.  I was driving calmly in tenth position, Fernando and Daniel were in front of me, both on very worn, soft tires, I could use it very easily, I had the advantage over them that I had intermediate tires.  That's when my team spoiled all the fun by calling me into the pit lane.  I declined and started overtaking Fernando.  It wasn't too easy, Nando is a goddamn old fox, he knows how to defend himself.  Meanwhile, my race engineer kept calling me down the pit lane.  Pissed off, I finally ran two laps later just to give me a break, even though I felt that I could have reached the finish line with these tires.  I was already ahead of Fernando and right behind Daniel, I could easily overtake him.  Unfortunately, my pit stop turned out to be catastrophic, because due to problems with the automatic wrench, it took a good 3 seconds longer to screw and unscrew the new right front wheel than it should have been.  Not much, but it was enough for me to drop from ninth to 17. By the end of the race I managed to make up only 4 places and I was pissed off, even though I couldn't publicly show it.  Instead, I smiled at numerous cameras, nodded my head and repeated that it was "our mistake", although I knew perfectly well that if I had not listened to our strategists and stayed on the track, perhaps I would have scored some valuable points.

Yuki was much more lucky, he made 6 points to the finish line, I could be proud of him, but for some reason it hurt me.  It felt like our team just gave me less priority, as if I wasn't important to them at all, as if they'd already given up on me not believing that I was able to give them the good results they so badly need.

I was devastated and didn't even want to talk to Yuki, even though this little gnome was slowly winning my heart, starting to occupy a special place in my life.  I defended myself a little bit against this feeling, although I knew that I was doing it in vain, my fight from above was doomed to failure.  Even now, sitting in a room with my long-time best friend, I can't help but think about that naughty little rascal.

And I cannot forget the morning when, as if nothing had happened, he knocked on the door of my apartment in the hotel where we were staying and asked me to go jogging together, enjoying the nice weather.  It was very unlike him.  The Yuki Tsunoda I know doesn't like running, he loves to sleep and eat, he wouldn't wake up early in the morning just because he wanted to run, no, he's not like that.  I knew he was up to something, I just didn't know what.

After a few minutes of jogging, we stopped in the park, I was surprised by the great condition of the Japanese, because I have never seen him practice anything other than what Pyry, our personal trainer, forced him to do.  We sat on one of the many benches just off the main alley.  The weather was fantastic indeed, the sun was shining, but also a light breeze was blowing, moving the branches of the trees and making the lights and shadows shimmer around us.  Birds of all sizes walked slowly on the slightly withered grass.  It was really early time, the sun had risen not earlier than half an hour ago and there was no living soul apart from us and the birds in the park.

I smiled then and asked Yuki what the real reason was for pulling me out for this morning effort.

— I know you like to run, so I wanted to do that too, to spend some time with you — He said, smiling back.  In his eyes I saw the joy and the excitement that I felt myself.  I don't know by what miracle, but somehow I sensed what he would want to ask me and I warned him.  Before he could add anything, somehow complete his statement, I moved very close and, still staring into his eyes, as if waiting for him to push me away, I leaned towards him.  He understood.  He wasn't going to run away or back down, and I didn't have to remind him that he started it all, that he wanted it, that it was his efforts that led us to that one special moment that would never happen again.

— Be my boyfriend — I said, looking into his eyes, then shifting my gaze to his mouth.  I couldn't fool myself, I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to hold his hand while walking, I wanted to hear him get angry and curse everyone when he was losing some game, it was even fun.  — No, actually, be my wife.

— Ok, but I will not be your wifey, I will be your husband.

—  Ok, it suits me, I can be your wife if you care so much — I smiled feeling butterflies in my stomach.  This moment belonged only to us, I wanted to stop time, keep it for us forever, so that we would be so happy, excited and in love forever.  Yes, I was finally ready to accept the fact that I fell in love with this child without memory.  And hell I know it will be tough, Formula One is not a respectable LGBT sport, but I wasn't going to give up.  All I had to do was figure out how to make a place in the world of F1 for the feeling that was between us.

Until now, I didn't believe in magic or miracles.

After Anthoine died, I lived my life to the fullest, having fun, training, working in the simulator, and constantly brooding over the past, while still having his last words in my head before he died: "Prove them wrong."  that I lost my seat at Red Bull, in the main team of which I was a junior.

Until Yuki came into my life, each day felt identical, filled with the same familiar routine.  Even hanging out with my friends, I felt dead inside.  Anthoine took part of me with him, left without saying goodbye, unexpectedly, during an ordinary race, on a perfectly ordinary day.  The day that tore my life in two.  It will always be "before" and "after" for me.  Before Anthoine's death, I was a loud, cheerful, brave boy who was not afraid of anything.  Tonio often laughed that I was jerking my nose up, that my confidence was downright indecently high.  After his accident, I calmed down, closed in on myself, stopped talking about how I felt, kept everything to myself, until it was another important event in my life: the day of my first conversation with Yuki.

When he was introduced to me, I did not realize how important it would become for me.  To tell the truth, I didn't like him at first.  He was loud, brave, confident, just like me before.  I knew him before, he was Anthoine's Formula 2 teammate, Tonio mentioned him sometimes, but it was our first meeting like this.  Yuki didn't care, he spoke to me quite freely, as if he had known me for years.  At first it bothered me a lot, now I can see how cute it is.

I have the feeling that Yuki pulled me out of some black hole, out of the abyss of despair I was in.  If it weren't for him, today I might not be racing anymore, maybe I would have tumbled to the very bottom, constantly trying to prove something to everyone around me.  Only now do I see that Anthoine's words weren't good advice at all.  They were great advice because they didn't mean what they might mean at first glance.

"Prove them wrong".

Why should I prove anything to anyone?  Do I have to actually do this so that they can see my worth, so that they appreciate me?  Can't I just stand in front of my boss and say, “Listen Franz, you've known me for a long time, you know how I drive, you know how much I sacrifice for the team and for the fans, if you don't think it's enough, take my contract.  I have my worth and if you don't want to pay that price, set me free"? Can't I really say that?

I asked Charles about it.

— Yeah, you want to get out of Formula.  Weeeeeell... good… good luck — He said sleepily.  He was clearly drunk now, and there was no point in talking to him.  He leaned to the side and leaned against the side of the bed.  I got up off the floor, pulled the purple Lewis Hamilton printed blanket (a gift from Daniel Ricciardo, which he thought was very funny) from the nearest armchair, and covered my friend with it.  I stared at him blankly for a moment.  I was overwhelmed by how much was happening at the same time.  And I kept coming back to my conversation with Yuki yesterday.

I felt his lips touch my lips again as he walked the last inches that morning.  I was glad he did.  He made me understand what magic is.

Love is magic.  The most wonderful, the strongest, but also the most treacherous and dark magic.  If you use it carelessly, you could get burned.  It took Yuki over a year to tear down the walls I had built around myself.  After Tonio left, I was afraid that I would become too attached to someone and lose them.  Only Charles could understand me ... Maybe that's why we were best friends.  Because we understood each other without words, we were like brothers to each other, and although in the beginning there were four of us, but one escaped from us and the other died, only the two of us remained.

Every day I missed Anthoine, but Yuki comforted me, taught me to believe that Tonio is now in a better place, waiting for his turn to return to Earth, or even going to Heaven, a unique place from which you no longer need to return  and where only the best and purest beings end up, built only out of love and goodness.  Yuki couldn't replace Tonio for me, nobody could.  In my life, he got a completely different role to play.

When I won my first race in Formula 1, I was happy too, but then the happiness was accompanied by longing for a friend and knowing that normally in such a situation Tonio would be one of the first to come to congratulate me, and after finishing all my duties in the paddock, he would take me to  a delicious treat in your favorite restaurant.  Tonio was a kind of a quiet, calm boy with good grades in school, fond of studying and books by a bespectacled man.  It was easy to like him.  Maybe that's why I missed him so much, maybe I missed our conversations, our training together, how he comforted me right after I broke up with my first girlfriend.

When I kissed Yuki, there was no longing, it was just pure happiness because I knew that this young man next to me, this cute little boy knows my good and bad, he saw me pissed off, content, amused and despairing, he knows me well,  he accepts me and loves me.  It was enough, I called it magic.

So when I noticed an account with the word "magical" in the name among my followers on Instagram, I decided to let this person know that I believe in magic too.

I left Charles alone, lay on my back on the bed and clicked on the icon representing the social profile, created as a fanpage for me.  Then, unexpectedly, for no reason at all, my heart flipped, and I held my breath.

"What the hell?" - I just had time to think before I felt dizzy and passed out.

* * *

I woke up as suddenly as I had passed out suddenly.  The phone had fallen from my hand and was sitting next to me on the pillow, and I myself was lying across my bed.  As I looked around, I noticed Charles sitting on the floor in a position that looked particularly uncomfortable, but he didn't seem to care, he was sleeping soundly, snoring quietly.  I wanted to snap my fingers on his forehead to make him wake up, and it was only with some superhuman effort that I stopped myself from doing so.  It was also a difficult weekend for him and I should be more understanding.

I collected the phone and then it hit me, which was the reason for my weird condition.

My pulse sped up when I looked at this fanpage again.  There was something wrong with him, but I couldn't tell what it was.  I looked through all the posts, reading the descriptions carefully and trying to understand.  I had a vague feeling there was something more behind this, some mystery that must connect with my dreams.

Recently, these dreams have become clearer, had more detail and carried more emotional charge.  The worst part was that I didn't know a way to get out of them, and I couldn't tell Pyry because he would send me to a psychiatric examination.  Not that I would be afraid of it, some of us work with psychologists on a daily basis, we have a very stressful and dangerous job, proper mental preparation is very important.

The night before, I dreamed again of a group of young guys I didn't know who could not have been older than 19 and were certainly not European.  I'm sure one of them was named Song or Sing.  They wore white shirts and navy blue knee-length shorts, each carrying a briefcase or a backpack on their backs.  They sat on the stone steps in front of some huge, bright building, probably a school, and talked about something lively.  One of them, the shortest one, looked around to see if anyone was paying attention to him, then rose slightly, leaning on his arms, and kissed the tall, handsome man sitting next to him on the cheek.

In my dream, they all looked quite alike, with typical Asian dark eyes and almost black straight hair.

I didn't know who they were or were or why they haunted me in my own dreams.  I wondered where I might meet them, but nothing came to mind.  Until now...

"Annie ... So your name is Annie ... I was looking for you, you have all the answers ..." - I just thought and started to cry.

Waves of emotions flooded me: longing appeared, immediately replaced by relief and hope.  I was overcome with emotion.  I couldn't take my eyes off her photo.  I knew it was her, I knew I had to find a way to contact her, I knew she had the answers I was looking for, and at the same time I realized that I wouldn't be able to just meet her and start asking questions.  She might get scared or mistake me for a psychopath if she doesn't really know anything about it.  I have to be careful, I have to earn her trust.  I need some excuse to get her to the same place where I will be.  Only it seemed almost impossible.

From what I learned from her profile, apart from Formula 1, we had absolutely nothing in common, and everything divided.  I did not feel discouraged by this, on the contrary, it motivated me even more.

Only Charles knew about my dreams and I was going to tell him about Anna as well, maybe he will give me some advice?

Unfortunately, first I have to wait until he sleeps, sober up and heals his hangover.  So tomorrow morning is gone.  It's a pity, because impatience was literally consuming me.  I wanted to know everything right now, right now, and preferably yesterday.

I sighed as I rolled over and put the phone on the cupboard.  The tiredness of the long day took over me and I fell asleep.