(Note: [ ] are whispered words that Paulie cannot hear)

*Cuh-lick!*

Paulie: "You have great timing. I just started my break."

(Y/N): "I know. Look behind you."

Paulie: "....................You're horrible."

(Y/N): "But you love me!"

Paulie: "Yeah yeah, don't remind me. Anyway, how are you doing? Not still gallivanting with those sea dogs, I hope?"

(Y/N): "Don't call your future brothers-in-law sea dogs, Paulie. That's rude."

Paulie: "Try all you want to stress me out. I started meditating. Your days of psychological torture are over."

(Y/N): "Even if I said I almost got tag teamed by over three hundred military men last week?"

Paulie: "....Very funny."

(Y/N): "No, for real, it was actually terrifying."

Paulie: "Your jokes are getting darker."

(Y/N): "No joke, I'm being one hundred percent serious. Here, even ask my bro. Oi, I almost got defiled by like an entire army, didn't I?"

Killer: "[Wait, don't drag me into thi-] Yes..."

Paulie: "WAIT WHAT?! HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?! AND WHO IS THAT?! WHO ARE YOU?!"

Killer: "I'm Ki-"

(Y/N): "-pper! My good friend Kipper!"

Killer: "That's not my-"

(Y/N): "Kipper says hi! [No I don't] Anyway, nevermind about all that. I have a present for you and Galley-La, so you'll be getting an Albatros delivery within the next few weeks."

Paulie: "Oh no, we are not glossing over that, (Y/N)!"

(Y/N): "Ugh, fine. I got dared to do a stupid thing, ended up in the middle of a remote military barracks and nearly got pounded to death in a sexy un-sexy way. Happy? Now, about that present-"

Paulie: "WHO WOULD DARE YOU TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?! I'LL KICK THEIR ASS! ARE YOU OKAY?!"

(Y/N): "That meditation thing isn't really working for ya, is it, buddy?"

Paulie: "This is serious! For one second, quit acting like a child and think about how badly you could've been hurt! Or worse!"

(Y/N): "I know, Paulie. I won't let myself be put into a situation like that again, and neither will the crew I'm with. Believe me, they've let me know that."

Paulie: "It wasn't them that got you into that mess, was it?! If it was, so help me, I'll-"

(Y/N): "No! No, it was a completely unrelated individual with absolutely zero connection to the people currently on this ship!"

Paulie: "I swear if you're lying to me..."

(Y/N): "I'm not! They saved my dumb ass! Look, even ask Kil-Kipper!"

Killer: "Quit shoving that thing in my face...Tch, yes, we got her out of there. As you can tell, she's back to her usual self. [Stop making me talk to him]"

Paulie: "I guess a thanks are in order, then...Are you sure you're okay, (Y/N)? How close of a call was it? You can't just spring something like that on me and expect me to stay calm."

(Y/N): "You got a girlfriend yet?"

Paulie: "You've gotta be kidding me. No, (Y/N), I don't have a girlfriend yet..."

(Y/N): "That'd work better than meditation. What about Kiwi or Mozu? Or both? They seem to know how to have a good time."

Paulie: "I don't have any desire to discuss my sex life with my little sister."

(Y/N): "Oh my god, have you already done it with them?!"

Paulie: "Wha?! No?! That's not what I meant! You're infuriating!"

(Y/N): "Aww, thank you! I really do try."

Paulie: "Is that Kipper guy still there? Tell him to clip you over the head for me."

(Y/N): "Hah! Joke's on you, he'd never do- [THWUMP] OW! YOU TRAITOR!

Killer: "Sorry, but you kind of deserved that."

(Y/N): "Consider yourself out of my mass wedding."

Killer: "Don't forget who feeds you, girl."

(Y/N): "You're back in."

Paulie: "Stay away from my sister."

Killer: "Right. [Can't exactly police that from where you are, though, can you, Paulie?]"

(Y/N): "...Hang on a sec, Pauls. [Could you repeat that?]"

Killer: "[I didn't say anything.]"

(Y/N): "[Yes you did. What was it?]"

Paulie: "What the hell are you whispering about?!"

(Y/N): "Just about how that one time, at shipwright camp, you tried to stick your-"

Paulie: "There's no such thing as shipwright camp, you idiot."

(Y/N): "Yeah, I know, but what fun is it when I can't make up wild shit about you to my new friends who haven't met you? Let me thrive."

Paulie: "No thriving. It's bad for my health."

Killer: "Amen to that."

(Y/N): "This is bullying and it's against the law. I'm telling the Navy on you."

Paulie: "You brought it upon yourself. Anyway, anything else new? You said something about a gift?"

(Y/N): "Oh, right! Yeah, I'm sending a sizeable donation to Galley-La! I did a thing and the thing went well so you're welcome! Aren't I just the greatest little sister in the whole wide world?"

Paulie: "I'm scared to ask how you managed to get anything that could be considered a sizeable donation..."

(Y/N): "Then don't ask. Speaking of sizeable, is my dear, sweet, spankable Iceberg around? I'd like to speak to our son."

Paulie: "Don't ever use the words Iceberg, spankable or son in the same sentence again. I'm begging you."

(Y/N): "Iceberg spankable son. So? Is he there?"

Paulie: ".............."

Iceberg: "Hello, (Y/N)! I'm just assuming this is you because your brother looks like he's about to jump into the canal."

(Y/N): "Tis I, your most favourite person in the universe. How are you? How's our darling son?"

Iceberg: "If you're referring to Tyrannosaurus, he's right here and doing fine. Say hello, Tyrannosaurus."

Tyrannosaurus: "[Mouse sounds]"

(Y/N): "I love you so much, you sweet little angel baby. I'm your Mama now.

Iceberg: "He seems delighted. Now, (Y/N), I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to wrap it up soon. Paulie's break is almost over and we have a lot of work to get through today."

(Y/N): "Oh, that's okay! I have some things I need to do too, so I don't mind. Miss you, Iceyyyyyyyy!"

(Y/N): "Miss you, too, (Y/N). Here, I'll hand you back to your brother. It seems as though he's decided to rethink diving into the canal. Until next time!"

Paulie: "I guess I have to at least commend you on not asking about slapping his ass this time."

(Y/N): "Wait, shit, put him back on for a sec-"

Paulie: "Don't."

(Y/N): "Buzzkill. Whatever...How are Mama and Papa?"

Paulie: "They're doing fine. They miss you. Definitely didn't like hearing you're travelling with a group of strange men."

(Y/N): "Please don't tell them about my close call. I mean it, Pauls. They don't need to know about that."

Paulie: "I wasn't planning on it. They don't need to stress out like that at their age. I can handle a few years shaved off my life, but them? Not a chance."

(Y/N): "Thanks, Paulie. So, you gotta get back to work?"

Paulie: "Yeah, shortly. Hey, if anything like that ever happens again, or anything that scares you, or whatever, please call me. I don't care if I'm working, or sleeping, just call. That's what I'm here for."

(Y/N): "I just don't wanna bother you with dumb crap like that..."

Paulie: "But you'll bother me with other shit? (Y/N), you're hundreds of thousands of miles away. Let me at least be an ear for you to turn to so I don't feel like I've lost my little sister."

(Y/N): "Pauls..."

Paulie: "Are you crying..?"

(Y/N): "Wh..what? No-"

Killer: "She is."

(Y/N): "One moment. [Stoooooooop!]"

Paulie: "Promise me, okay?"

(Y/N): "Yeah, okay, I promise..."

Paulie: "And no more dangerous dares, either."

(Y/N): "But what about danger when it isn't a dare?"

Paulie: "(Y/N)..."

(Y/N): "I'm just yanking your chain. I know, I promise I'll try.

Paulie: "Do more than just try. You're not going before I do."

(Y/N): "Yeah, I don't wanna orphan you."

Paulie: "That's...not how it works. Maybe you should've gone on a quest for an education instead of adventure."

(Y/N): "Maybe you should splurge on a better wardrobe. I'll bet my left nut that you're still wearing that same scrappy yellow shirt with the white target on the front."

Paulie: "You don't have a left nut."

(Y/N): "Fine. I bet Kipper's left nut."

Killer: "Want me to clip her over the ears again?"

Paulie: "Please."

(Y/N): "Wait, no, I was jo- [THWUMP] Owie...Y'all are mean..."

Kid: "Why the fuck are you two lurking around in here?! We have shit to do!"

Paulie: "Who the hell was that?!"

Kid: "Who the hell's askin'?! Oh, right, the brother."

(Y/N): "Oh, uh, Pauls, this is, uh, Eubert Crud. The captain of this funky little vessel."

Kid: "The fuck did you just call me, you bratty little bitch?!"

Paulie: "OI! YOU DO NOT TALK TO MY SISTER THAT WAY, YOU CROAKY BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU!"

Killer: "[Oh man...]"

(Y/N): "Paulie, it's cool, we're just messing arou-"

Kid: "Bold talk from a man on the other end of a call. Can't do shit. I'll talk to her however the fuck I want."

Paulie: "Like hell you will! I'll-"

(Y/N): "Boys, boys! Calm thy farms! You both need to get laid. Hey, I know the first time can be scary, but it'll really help y'all to chill out."

Kid: "THAT'S IT! GET OVER HERE, YOU LITTLE SHIT!"

(Y/N): "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

Paulie: "(Y/N)?! (Y/N)?!"

Killer: [Chaotic screaming and swearing in the background] "She's playing tag right now. Don't worry, this is just how they flirt. Gross, I know. Anyway, I'm hanging up now. Nice to speak with you."

Paulie: "WAIT...FLIRT?! WHAT?! HOLD UP, DON'T YOU DARE HA-"

*Cuh-lick!*

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***

Ignore his hands. Please. I rushed it.

Next Time: Soft Spot***