Chapter 20

~Damion~

One thing was for certain; Cam's sleeping habits hadn't changed much in the three weeks that he had been absent from my bed. I was starting to accept the fact that his starfish mentality would never change.

He still somehow found a way to drape every part of his body over mine as he slept. His arms and my face had very quickly grown accustomed to each other throughout the night and the one time I'd worked up the energy to roll him carefully back over to his side of the bed, he'd unconsciously latched onto my arm and curled his body around it.

I was considering getting him a human sized pillow, just to see if it would make a difference, but I had a strong suspicion that it wouldn't. It was as though the cells in his body somehow sensed that I was near and found every way possible to get close.

Too tired to do much more, I watched him for a while as he slept. This was the first night since his ordeal that he hadn't been woken by a nightmare and I was grateful for it. With the early morning light streaming in through the curtains, I looked up to the ceiling where the dream catcher hung. I didn't believe for one second that the thing could actually catch bad dreams, but I had hoped that its presence in the room would have a soothing effect on him. Maybe it had.

I glanced at his hands which were still bandaged after he'd somehow managed to accidentally slice them up with broken glass. I looked at his split lip and swollen, bruised eye. At some point between meeting him and the incident, I'd come to care about him.

I cared about his thoughts, his dreams and his eating habits. I cared about what he was feeling and whether he was hurting. I cared about what happened to him and what paths he would choose to take in life. At some point, I'd come to think of him as more than just a sub in training.

At some point, Cam had wormed his way into my head, and I had a feeling he would be staying there for a long time. I didn't exactly know how to cope with that. I dropped a hand on my chest when I felt it begin to tighten, and took several deep breaths.

"Fuck." I whispered into the silence, and Cam curled tighter around my arm.

Taking responsibility for person's well-being was a serious thing, but when that person was as broken as Cam was, it came with complications. I could admit to myself that I wasn't one hundred percent sure that I could help him.

I knew without a doubt that therapy wasn't working. He didn't think he needed help and had only been attending because I had asked him to. Without that interest or motivation, I didn't think he was going to get very far, no matter how good his therapist claimed to be.

An idea had been forming in my mind for awhile, and the more I thought about it, the more I began to believe that maybe it would have some effect. It would require the help of friends and family but I had no doubt that they would be on board with it. I only hoped that it would work.

"Damion?"

I glanced at him when his soft, sleep-filled voice broke the silence.

"Hmm?"

"Is it time to wake up now?" he freed my arm and rolled onto his back.

"No. Go back to sleep." I urged him.

He rubbed his forehead, yawned and rolled back onto his side. I watched as he pulled his pillow in front of him and wrapped himself around it, then blinked up at me.

"I'm not tired anymore. How come you're awake? There's no sun out or anything." He yawned again.

"Just thinking."

"Oh." He said. "How long have you been thinking?"

"Not too long." I told him. "A few minutes."

"Oh." He bit his lip. "Do you always wake up early to think? I never noticed before."

I smiled. "Sometimes."

"Oh." We lay there in silence for a few minutes before he spoke again. "Do you want me to make you breakfast?"

Again, I smiled. "No. Are you hungry?"

"No."

I knew him well enough to know what he wanted to ask, but was afraid to.

"Come here." I beckoned to him. When he inched closer, I pulled him towards me and wrapped my arms around him. "Do you want to know what I was thinking about?"

He nodded against my chest. "Yes please."

"I've been thinking about whether therapy is helping you at all." I said. "What do you think?"

He titled his head so he could see my face. "The lady's nice, but I don't feel any different."

"Do you know why I asked you to go?"

"Because there's something wrong with me."

"There's nothing wrong with you." I assured him. "You've just been through a lot and everyone needs a little help sometimes."

"Okay."

I could tell he didn't believe me.

I'm serious Cam. A lot of people have hurt you and it's good to have someone to talk to about these things. That's the reason I asked you to go. It's good to have an outlet sometimes."

This time he nodded without a word.

"Do you want to stop going?" I asked him. He turned his eyes to my chest and began fidgeting with a button on my shirt.

"You'll get mad if I say yes."

"I promise I won't."

"But you think it's important." He continued. "And you want me to go."

"The fact is, I should have asked you first. I want you to be comfortable making your own decisions. You're the only one who should have the right to make decisions that affect you."

Cam continued fidgeting with the button.

"Look at me please." I asked, and he once again titled his head. "Do you want to go or don't you? Let's be honest."

He dropped his forehead to my chest and mumbled into my clothes. "I don't want to go."

"Okay. I'll let her know later today."

"What will she say when you tell her?

I smiled. "I don't know. I'm sure she'll wish you well."

I watched him as he continued to play with the button in silence. In a few minutes he'd probably end up ripping it off accidentally, but as we lay there in the quietness of the early morning, he fell asleep again, and didn't wake for another five hours.

......................................

"What are you painting?"

Cam looked up at me from where he lay on the living room floor with a small canvas and various assortments of brushes and paints spread out in front of him.

"Happy." He said. "I only just started, that's why it doesn't look like him yet."

I glanced at the chair where Happy lay quietly watching us, and frowned.

"How'd you get him to sit still for this?"

Cam shrugged. "I just asked him to and he did."

I looked back and fourth between them. I couldn't remember a single time that that damn dog had listened to anything I'd ever said. Apparently his true master had arrived. I shook my head.

"What time's Monte coming cover?"

"Um... in half an hour she said." He looked me up and down. "Are you leaving now?"

"Yeah." I pulled my keys from the tray in the center of the coffee table. "I'll be back in a couple of hours. Call me if you need anything, alright?"

He nodded. "Okay. I'll see you later then."

He paused with his paintbrush poised over the canvas to watch me leave.

.............................

The others were already there when I pulled into my brother's driveway. I pulled the two bouquets of flowers off the front seat and handed the first one to Anna when she greeted me at the door.

I kissed her cheek and pulled the door closed behind me.

"Where is everybody?"

"They're on the Patio." She told me. "Is everything okay Damion? Your message was a bit cryptic and now you've got us all worried."

"Everything's fine." I told her. "I'll explain in a second. Where's the little princess?"

"We sent her to my mother's house when you called. Whatever you have to discuss sounded serious and we didn't want any distractions."

"It's about Cam." I told her as I handed her the second bouquet for my niece. "Let's go talk with the others."

Out on the patio, the guys sat around my brother's rustic farm table drinking beer and for Tate, some sort of fruity concoction that Anna had no doubt whipped up. The conversation dried up when I took a seat, and I grinned at them.

"Relax guys. I'm not here to deliver bad news. I just need your help with something."

Upon hearing his new friend's name, Tate sat up and leaned toward me with eyes filled with concern.

"How is he Damion? Can I visit him yet or does he still get skittish with company over?"

"I'll ask him if he's up for it." I said. "He seems to be doing better, but with Cam you can never really tell. One minute he can be screaming in terror and the next he's in the pool teaching Happy how to swim. He's good at pushing his feelings aside."

Tate nodded. "I understand. That poor sweetheart. What can we do to help?"

"Actually that's the reason I'm here. I need your help with him."

Paul set down his bottle. "Anything. What's up?"

I looked at each of the faces around me; Paul, Tate, Donny and Anna. These were the people I trusted above all others. These were the people I would be counting on to help Cam, who was broken in more ways than I even knew.

"As of today, Cam's no longer in therapy."

Donny frowned, and the other faces mirrored his expression.

"What do you mean? There's no one in the world who needs therapy more than that kid." Donny said.

"I agree, but it's not working. He has no interest or motivation. He doesn't even understand why he needs it, so it's pointless."

"Then explain to him that—"

"Donny, he thinks everything he's been through is his fault. He doesn't think he's ever been hurt by anyone; not really. It doesn't matter how many times I explain it to him. Words alone won't work."

"Then what will?" Paul interjected, and beside him Tate nodded; looking stricken and about as helpless as I felt."

"We're his friends and he trusts us. So, I think we might be the only ones who can help him." I told them.

"Okay, how?" this from Anna.

"We teach him through our actions. We show him what's right through our everyday interactions and we find a way to make him understand and learn from each lesson."

"Okay." Donny nodded. "Since you know him better than any of us, tell us how he thinks. Tell us what's wrong."

I sat back in my chair. "Well first off. He'll trust anyone who treats him nice, and by nice I mean, if a stranger smiles at him on the street, he's ready to give that stranger his life savings."

"Aww. He's so adorable." Anna said with a smile, and the others looked at her as though she'd sprouted another head.

Donny sighed, and Anna rolled her eyes. "What?" she asked. "He is adorable. Do you know that people like him don't exist anymore? He's pure and innocent and it's beautiful."

"Yeah, well in this world, the pure and innocent are the first to be broken. If he continues like this, he'll get seriously hurt."

"I understand that, but it's his personality. That's not something that can be changed. How do you teach him not to be innocent? How do you teach him to guard his heart because people can be cruel?" Anna questioned. "He's been hurt so many times already, so clearly that part of him won't be easy to change."

"I don't want to change any part of him." I told them firmly. "I just want him to understand his worth. I want him to know when someone's hurting him and know that it's not okay. I want him to understand that no means no and his wellbeing comes first."

"All Cam wants to do is please people. He wants people to be nice to him and he cares more about them than he does himself. How do you change that without changing him?" Tate questioned. "You either want sweet, docile Cam or you want Cam with a backbone. How do we get an in-between?"

"Be kind to him." I said. "Compliment him, show him that he's important to you. Teach him what it means to stand up for himself. Don't try to change him, just show him how it should be and eventually he'll learn." I said to them.

"Alright. What else?" Donny asked.

"He doesn't like anything about himself. He can't find a single thing that's good about himself."

"Oh no Damion." Anna said.

I nodded. "He thinks the Dom's the one in charge and the sub has no say. If he's hurt during a scene, he thinks he's at fault. He doesn't use his safe word, and he looks to everyone else to make decisions for him." I explained to them. "He's trusting of everyone but he doesn't speak up for himself because he's afraid they'll get mad and hurt him."

"I think I might have an idea." Tate said with a wide grin, and we all listened as he explained his plan.

"I think it could work." I agreed.

"Same. I think we should all tackle different things. It'll have a greater impact on him if we each have something in particular to focus on." Donny added his two cents, and the others were quick to agree.

"I'll focus on pain." Tate said. "Anything to do with subs being in control and safe words and deciding when enough is enough. Paul can help me out with that too."

"Well in that case, I'll do self worth. I think I've got a couple ideas on how to help him." Donny said.

"And I'll go for self esteem. I'll help him find something he likes about himself someway somehow." Anna chipped in.

"Then I'll work with him on everything else." I said. "I really appreciate this guys."

"It's Cam. He deserves to be happy." Anna said, and the others nodded in agreement.

"I hope we can help him." I murmured.

"We'll figure it out Damion. Don't worry." Anna was quick to give assurances, and I was grateful to her and the others for their willingness to help.

I stuck around for another hour, and during that time we hashed out the details of some of our ideas, and spoke at length on our observations in relation to Cam, during the time that we had known him. It was an insightful discussion, and their enthusiasm was welcome.

I wondered if Cam realized just how quickly they had come to care for him. I wondered if he realized the impact he had on people on a daily basis.

"Can we talk a minute?" Donny asked when I finally said my goodbyes and stood to go. With a nod, I followed him into the house and down the hall to his home office.

He flipped on the light switch and closed the door behind us when we entered. When I took a seat on his couch, he pulled up a chair and sat it in front of me, then I watched him as he took a seat, ran a hand over his face, then met my gaze.

"What's going on?" I asked. The seriousness of his expression was unsettling.

When he just sat there looking at me like a kicked puppy, I frowned.

"Just spit it out Donny. What is it?"

"You're not gonna like it."

"This sounds serious." I hedged when I felt an uncomfortable sensation travel down my spine.

"It is."

I clasped my hands in front of me without a word.

He sighed. "Last week I went to the hospital for a check up and—"

I was shaking my head before he could continue. "I can't hear this." I said, and stood so fast that the room spun. I felt the ball of fear and worry settle deep into my chest as I stepped away from him and toward to door.

"Damion! Would you calm down and let me finish?" Donny's voice sounded somewhere behind me.

This was why loving people wasn't worth it. This was why I sometimes I wished there was an off switch to these emotions. When I touched the door knob, my hand was shaking. I didn't want to hear whatever he was about to tell me.

I didn't want to deal with the emotional turmoil of potentially losing him to some terminal illness. Not like it had been with dad. I never wanted to have to deal with something like that again. Not my brother.

Suddenly I felt betrayed by Anna, who had accepted my flowers with a happy smile when she had known something was wrong with him.

I turned the knob, fully prepared to walk out of the room and leave him to his terrible confession; as though running away from this would somehow change whatever it was that was wrong with him.

"I can't do this again." I said when he slammed the door shut and spun me to face him.

"Do what again? Stop overreacting and go sit down. Jesus."

"I don't want to hear it Donny." I said, and like a child I wanted to place my hands over my ears and block out any and everything he wanted to say.

He took me by the shoulders and led me back to the couch, the placed his chair directly in front of mine so I couldn't escape again. He frowned at me and I frowned at him as we stared at each other.

"I thought you'd gotten over this." He said. "I didn't realize the thought of me being sick still affected you this way. I thought all that therapy you did years ago helped you."

"Does Anna know?" I asked him; my voice shaking. "Why is she out there laughing and acting like everything's okay if you're...if you're...." I couldn't even say it.

Donny sighed. "There's nothing for her to know Damion. If you'd just let me finish you'd realize that you're overreacting right now when this has nothing to do with me."

It was like being underwater. I could hear his voice but his words didn't make any sense. I leaned forward and dropped my forehead onto his knee. His hand immediately came up to rest on the back of my head.

"Jesus. You're shaking."

I was scared. "I don't wanna to know, just fix it." I urged him.

"I saw David at the hospital. Turns out he's dying and he asked to see you. That's what I wanted you to know. I'm perfectly fine and healthy. I swear."

I glanced up at him. "You're lying."

"I swear I'm not. I went there for a checkup and saw Angene in the lobby as I was leaving. She told me he's got cancer and I went to his room to see him." He said. "He looks pretty bad Damion, and he doesn't have much time left."

I sat up slowly. "Are you saying you're okay?"

Donny sighed. "Yes. I'm okay."

"And you're not just saying that?"

He chuckled. "I'm serious." I felt all the energy drain out of me, and I slumped back on the couch in relief. It was like getting a burn out after an adrenaline rush.

"I'm gonna fucking kill you." I told him with a hand over my heart.

He laughed. "You should have let me finish."

I leaned over and smacked him in the side of his head.

"Next time don't lead with 'I went to to hospital for a check up' asshole." I growled, and he dodged me when I tried to smack him again.

"How was I supposed to know you'd lose your shit?"

I released a breath and held up my hands for him to see that they were still shaking. "You're a fucking dick. I thought you were dying or something."

Donny grinned. "Well at least I know you'll cry at my funeral."

I glared at him. "Don't even joke about that."

"But for real though Damion. I thought you'd gotten over your anxiety. It's still as serious as before."

I took a deep breath and stood, forcing him to push his chair back and out of my way.

"I'm leaving."

"David asked to see you. Come on Damion. This might be your last chance to see him. He's family." He said. When I reached the door, I turned to look at him with a frown.

"He's not family. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've seen his face over the years. Even when dad died and we begged him to..." I trailed off and shook my head. "I'll see you later. Thanks again for deciding to help Cam."

Minutes later I was seated in my car, and I took a few moments just to breathe. I could already feel the onset of a headache, and I ran a hand over my forehead as I tried to clear my thoughts.

"Damnit Donny." I cursed quietly. It had been a while since I'd felt that kind of stark fear. I thought I'd been over it, but the entire experience had shaken me to the core. I stayed in my brother's driveway for about a good ten minutes, before I finally turned the key in the ignition and backed out.

Instead of my usual news station, I put the music on blast to drown out my thoughts as I drove; turning it down only when I pulled into a drive thru to grab some dinner before heading home.

I was surprised at how quiet the place was when I entered. I'd expected to hear Cam and Monte laughing up a storm as soon as I walked through the door. Instead, Happy came prancing down the hall to greet me. Or maybe he came to greet to food that I held in my hands.

"Hi."

I glanced up when I set the bags on the counter to see Cam standing in the doorway. He did a little shy wave and I nodded in acknowledgment.

"Where's Monte?"

Cam inched closer. "She left early because she had to go to work."

I nodded. "Are you hungry? I bought burgers."

"I don't think I've ever seen you eat a burger." He continued to inch closer, until he was pressed up against the counter, watching as I pulled the food from the bags.

"it's not really my thing but sometimes it's just easier." I explained.

"I like burgers and fries." He replied. "And strawberry and chocolate milkshakes."

I smiled. "Then it's a good thing I've got both." I pushed the two milkshake toward him.

"Which one do you prefer?" he asked as he looked down at the cups.

"No preference. I like both."

He snagged the strawberry and stabbed the cap with a straw, before taking a sip.

When I pulled out a stool and sat, he did the same, and for a while we ate in silence. I was just grateful that he was finally eating something.

Happy, who usually made a racket whenever I ate without him, sat quietly by the stove chewing contentedly on a stuffed animal that had seen better days. it was crazy just how much the little devil had changed since Cam's arrival.

"Are you okay?"

I glanced at Cam when he spoke, and nodded.

"You don't seem okay." He said.

"Don't I?"

He shook his head. "Something kinda seems off a little bit...I think."

I opened my mouth to reply, fully prepared to go with one of my generic answers, then I looked at him, and something in his eyes stopped me. I couldn't say exactly what it was. I didn't know if it was the sincerity, the worry, the genuine interest or something else entirely in his gaze that gave me pause. But for once, I didn't want to say that I was okay when I wasn't.

For whatever reason I wanted Cam to know what I was feeling and how the events of the day had shaken me so severely, that I couldn't hide it; not even from him. I replaced the french fry I had been about to eat and dusted off my salty hands with a napkin. He was silent as he watched me.

"Something happened today." I told him. "I thought Donny was going to give me bad news about his health and I just...it was like I just shut down. I couldn't handle it."

"Is he okay?" Cam asked; his eyes as wide as saucers.

"He's fine." I said. "But in that moment when the fear set in, I wished I didn't know him. I wished he wasn't my brother, because then I wouldn't have to feel like my entire world was ending."

"What did you do?" he asked gently; a hand on my arm.

"He told me he'd been to the doctor for a checkup and he looked so serious that I thought he'd gotten some bad news. Instead of choosing to hear him out, I decided that I just didn't want to know." I said. "Suddenly it felt like if I knew what was wrong it would make it real and I didn't want it to be real, so I tried to leave."

"You must really love him."

"He's my brother." I said simply. "I don't have much of a choice."

"If you had a choice, would you choose not to love him?" he asked. I closed my eyes for a moment, and when I opened them, I had to blink away the moisture that had formed.

"Yeah." I whispered honestly. "Loving people only ends in pain and I don't think I can handle that kind of pain Cam."

I looked at my hands, and realized that they had begun to shake.

"I know it's selfish, and I didn't expect to react that way. I thought I'd moved past that."

Cam slipped a hand into mine, and I turned to look at him.

"I don't think it's selfish. I just think it's human." He said. "If I thought I might lose somebody I love, I'd probably react even worse than that, but if you're afraid of love, it just ruins all the magic Damion."

"The magic?" I asked, rubbing my eyes with the the fingers of my free hand.

"Yeah. Love is magic, don't you know that?"

I frowned. "I don't think—"

"It's like everything good rolled up in one, and when you feel it really really deeply, it makes you feel like you can fly even. It's the most perfect, magical thing in the world." He explained. "And because of that, it doesn't matter that it comes with bad stuff too because you can see past all the bad stuff. But because you're afraid of it, you're missing out on everything."

I shook my head. "You're talking about a fairytale Cam. This is real life."

Cam grinned like he knew a secret that I didn't. "I am talking about real life. That's how love feels when you're not afraid."

I stared into his warm, gentle eyes for so long, that for just one fraction of a second, when all rational thought escaped me, I found myself wondering if he could be right, but just as quickly, reality set in, and I pulled my hand from his.

"You love and you get hurt." I said adamantly.

"You love and you'll be happy." He countered, and it was the first time I'd ever seen such complete certainty in his eyes.

                                                               AUTHOR'S NOTES

When I was rereading this I realized just how rushed it sounds. I contemplated pushing back the posting date for a few days to edit it a bit to slow the pace, but you guys have waited so long that I decided against it. 

Please don't massacre me. I promise i'll give you a better quality chapter next time I upload, so please bear with me. <3 

Thanks for reading.

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