Saturday, November 17th

     Jesse had made himself comfortable in the passenger seat, while Yoni was trying to catch up on some sleep after she drove the first two hours. Calix was mainly focused on the road, humming along to a song on the radio.

Jesse was trying to find something to talk about with Calix. He felt a bit uncomfortable with the silence in the car, which was very unlike them. Usually, they'd be discussing all kinds of things, making jokes, singing along to the music loudly.

Today? Dead-silent.

Jesse shuffled in his seat, sat back up and took in a breath.

"What's going on with us?" he asked, staring out onto the road.

"With us?" Calix repeated, sounding surprised.

"Us, as friends. I mean, you're driving me to Loek so I assume you really are okay with my sexuality, but you can't deny something between us changed since you found out." Jesse bit his lip, shortly turned to see if Calix was still focused on the road—which he was—and shrugged, even if he wouldn't see it. "Do you feel, I don't know, weird because I had a crush on you?"

"No," Calix shook his head to put some power behind his answer. "I don't mind. It's not like you ever tried something, and I trust you enough to know your boundaries. You can't help who you like, right? Besides, you said had."

"I said had?"

"You had a crush on me. You like Loek now, right?"

"I still like you. I mean... there's attraction and I don't think that'll change soon. But... Loek is different."

"You really like him, don't you?"

"I think I fell for him the moment we met, even if I can't remember the first time I met him," Jesse said, chuckling when he was reminded of their failed one-night-stand. "But that still doesn't explain why we're acting all awkward around each other ever since."

"I'm not awkward about your sexuality, or your crush, or whatever. I'm not awkward around you at all."

"You do act different," Jesse fired back. "Besides, you're more silent than ever, you suck at soccer and we both know you're a huge talent. What's going on, if my crush or sexuality isn't the problem?"

Calix sighed, and Jesse noticed he too was biting his lip.

He didn't reply, and Jesse dramatically rolled his eyes. "You're hiding something, and honestly? It's starting to piss me off. We, you, me, Axel, we agreed not to have any more secrets. Then why are you hiding something from us?"

Calix shot him a look. An annoyed look. A look that told Jesse he hit the jackpot; Calix knew they weren't supposed to keep secrets.

Not anymore.

"I..." Calix started, his grip on the steering wheel tightening. "Are Axel and I bad friends to you?"

"What?" Jesse's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "No, why?"

"Should we have noticed what was going on with you? Not specifically your sexuality, but..." Calix' whispered the last part, and then stopped talking altogether.

"But?"

"You know, your dad..."

"Felipe."

"Him, yes. Should we have noticed he neglected you? Or that he every so often hit you? I feel like I failed you, Jesse. I was so consumed with my own shit that I completely forgot to pay attention to everything else, including you."

"Cal, there's no way you could've known, unless you'd be actually shadowing me 24/7. Even Yoni didn't know until I told her why I was staying at her place more and more often."

"I still feel like I could've done something. I was talking to Axel the other day, and I... we both realised you changed a lot in the past year. Your smiles were never genuine, never as bright as they used to be. But we didn't notice. You seemed absentminded in school and during soccer,"

"In all honesty, those are not my favourite activities to be completely honest."

"Not even soccer?"

"Cal, I honest-to-God hate soccer. I only play soccer because of you," Jesse told him with a chuckle. "Damn, it feels good to say that out loud."

"What, you don't like soccer? But you're like, really good. And... an—do you really hate soccer?" Calix asked while he actually looked sad because of it.

Jesse shrugged, not smiling anymore. It was never fun to make Calix sad. "It's not like I'm gonna quit soccer. I like hanging out with the team, and the camaraderie. I love how everyone does everything in their power to win a match and the jokes and all in the locker room. I just don't really care about playing soccer."

"See?" Calix called out in frustration. "I don't even know if I ever knew the real you."

Jesse frowned, turning in his seat to face Calix, who was still—almost obsessively—focused on the road.

"What else don't we know about you? How can I call myself your best friend if I don't even know you hate soccer?" Calix slammed the steering wheel in anger. "I suck as a best friend."

"No, you don't. Because with you, and with Axel, I feel good, I feel safe, I feel accepted. There's just some things I couldn't tell because I couldn't explain why I did those things," Jesse patted Calix shoulder. "I mean, how would I have explained that I hated soccer, but that I was equally obsessed with it simply because of you, without coming out?"

"Fair point," Calix said, sighing deeply afterwards. "I just feel shitty lately, because I can't believe I didn't notice all these things going on with you. And it's all because I was solely focused on Francesca and trying to fix a relationship that was doomed to fail a long time ago."

"It wasn't doomed until she cheated, right?"

"It was doomed from the beginning because she cheated." Calix mumbled sadly. "She admitted she cheated more often, from the moment we started dating, until the moment I found out."

"Wait, she cheated more than once?"

"I was blind, Jesse. With her, I didn't notice things were off. With you, I didn't notice things were off..."

"Is this what's been bothering you?" Jesse placed his hand on Calix' arm and squeezed reassuringly. "It's not a bad thing to try and see the good in people, even if they don't deserve it, like Francesca. And in my case, there was no way you could've known, even if you would be open to it. And it's most definitely not a bad thing you were busy with your own things. You don't always have to prioritize other people's problems over your own."

"So, you don't think I'm a bad friend?"

"No, Cal, I don't. I think you and Axel are the best I could ever wish for and I wouldn't want it any other way."

"Thanks, Jes, I needed to hear that."

     Jesse was very nervous when he stood in front of the house that belonged to Loek's parents. It was around noon, yet the curtains were all closed, and the house gave off a vibe that told Jesse there weren't any activities inside.

Which made him doubt if they had the right house. Adam had given them the address, but seeing Adam and Loek were close friends, could mean he had lied to get back at Jesse for hurting Loek.

Or, this could all be some sort of masterplan coming from Mees, who was messing with him for the same reason. Jesse, after all, had promised to not hurt Loek, and he did exactly that.

As soon as Jesse turned around to face Yoni and Calix, he got pushed towards the house.

"Go ring the fucking doorbell," Calix hissed. "What are you waiting for?"

"For some sort of sign that we've got the right address," Jesse answered with a dramatic eye-roll. "It seems... not very inviting."

"You're just making up excuses," Yoni said, pointing towards the house. "Go, come on. If it really is the wrong address, you'll just tell them exactly that, and ask if they know where the Lindenberg family lives."

"If they live in this town, and not in a completely different one," Jesse mumbled, shuffling his foot.

He took a deep breath and took two steps towards the house before he came to a stop again. The curtains behind the upstairs window had shortly moved, and for some reason, that made him even more nervous.

He felt as if someone was watching them, but tried to push that feeling aside. Still, he didn't move.

Why was this so hard?

He was afraid Loek would tell him to fuck off and leave, but at least then he'd know Loek was done with him. Right now, there was still a small chance Loek would forgive him for his mistakes. They could start over, take it easy and see if their ship would sail eventually.

No rush there.

But first, he needed to apologize to Loek, and to do so, he needed to ring the doorbell that was only a few feet away now.

He shuffled closer, lifted his arm and reached for the doorbell to actually ring it, when the door was pulled open out of the blue.

Jesse yelped and jumped. He hadn't expected for the door to open before he would've rang the doorbell.

"What are you doing here?" Loek had grabbed Jesse's hand, preventing him from pressing the bell. "You're scaring the shit out of my mother."

"I—I... We need to talk," Jesse mumbled, pulling his arm back so their physical contact was ended. "I didn't mean to scare your mother."

"Well, you did anyway, standing in front of our house while she has no fucking clue who you are." Loek still sounded angry, and by then, he had crossed his arm, sending Jesse an annoyed look. "I have nothing to talk about with you, by the way."

"I do, so I was hoping you'd be willing to listen." Jesse shuffled his foot, staring down towards them. When he looked back up, Loek's eyes were focused on something behind him, and Jesse realized Calix and Yoni were still standing there.

He turned around and gestured for them to move and leave them alone.

"I'll... call when we can go home again," he said, when they didn't move right away.

Calix was staring at Loek, giving him a once over, before he nodded, and Yoni and he started walking away.

"You have three seconds to tell me what this is about, before I kick you off our property."

"I wanted to apologize," Jesse said, finally looking Loek in the eye. "For blaming you, for ignoring you. I want to apologize because Roy hit you when he had nothing to do with us..."

Loek didn't move or respond in any way. He was just staring down at Jesse with his arms crossed in front of his chest, visibly letting Jesse's words sink in.

Jesse bit his lip, fiddling with his sweater, awaiting Loek's judgement over his apology. Even Jesse knew it was a weak attempt to apologize, but he still meant it.

"I really am sorry," Jesse added before he sighed. "You've been there for me from the moment we met and I took everything for granted and was pissed over something stupid. I don't know how I could ever repay you for your support..."

"Oh, shut it," Loek grumbled, rolling his eyes while his arms fell beside him. "I can't be mad at you. I just... I didn't understand why you didn't talk to me. You never asked me why I left you. Maybe you would've understand..."

"I do!" Jesse cut Loek short. "I do understand. I was just really hurt and I don't know why I expected you to stay while I would never ask any of my friends to get arrested because of me..."

"I'm sorry you got arrested, though. I was my fault. But I couldn't stay and go down with you because I'm an adult, and I've been arrested before. I would get in so much trouble," Loek explained, sounding a bit tired. "And then each and everyone of your friends started giving me shit for it and I didn't want a rerun from the past..."

"Maybe it's time you tell me what happened to you before. Mees keeps telling me you've been hurt enough in the past..." Jesse flashed a weak smile. "Maybe if we tell each other everything, we can actually start over and..."

Jesse snapped his mouth shut. He had no idea how to finish his sentence.

"And?" Loek asked, when a silence was stretching long enough to become awkward.

"Can we go for a walk? I need to tell you something important."

Author's note: 

I started a new book, Emotional Quotient! It's my Camp NaNo book for July (like DYSMN? was my Camp NaNo book for April)

Emotional Quotient will be a bit different from what you guys are used to read on my page. It's in an alternate universe. It's still LGBTQ+, it's still boyxboy, it's just a bit sci-fy-ish xD

But please come over and support me, and help me reach my Camp NaNo wordcount goal (25k words in 1 month :O)

Hope to see you there too!

Love, June