Saturday, November 10th

     Jesse felt like shit.

From the moment he left behind his one-night-stand—sneaking out in the middle of the night—until breakfast, and far beyond morning.

His gut wrenched every time he thought back to the night before and remembered the pain in Loek's eyes when he had left with a stranger.

It caused him to be silent during breakfast, which led to worried looks from both Mrs. Milonas and Calix, who was rushing around the house while eating breakfast and grabbing stuff for soccer.

And while Jesse was wondering what was going on with Calix throughout the week, that morning, there was no space in his head left for worry about anything else than his own actions.

Actions that hurt the guy he started liking a while ago.

He was absent-minded and Calix made a remark when they left the house that morning to head over to soccer for their weekly match. Jesse didn't even answer the question about what was going on in his mind. He just shrugged, and pulled the door to the car closed behind him, waiting for Calix to sit behind the wheel.

"I can't believe Mom and Dad finally let me take the car by myself," Calix changed subjects, turning on the engine of the car. "I bet it's because they don't want you to ride a bike with that ankle."

Jesse shrugged again, biting his lip while staring out of the window.

"How is your ankle anyway? You were back home pretty late. Did you walk around on it the entire night?"

"It's fine," Jesse replied, deliberately ignoring Calix words about staying out late. Calix didn't need to know he had shared a bed with a complete stranger. He didn't want Calix to tell him how stupid he was for hurting Loek the way he had done, even if Loek had hurt him first.

He didn't need a lesson on 'how to treat your crush when you're angry at them' from a guy who had waited two months before breaking up with his cheating girlfriend.

But then Jesse realised they had agreed not to keep secrets, and he felt even worse for not telling Calix what was bothering him. Still, guilt wasn't enough to let him spill it out.

"If something is wrong, you'd tell me, right?" Calix asked, breaking the awkward silence in the car.

"Just like how you'd tell me if something was bothering you to the point where you suck at soccer?" Jesse retorted with an annoyed expression on his face.

Calix opened his mouth, but closed it—probably because he realised he was holding something back too. And since he remained silent for the rest of the ride, Jesse took it as a yes. And it made him realise Calix wouldn't tell him what was bothering him, even if they had agreed not to keep anything a secret.

Which was why Jesse felt slightly less guilty for not telling him what happened that night either.

Jesse and Calix sat through an awkwardly silent ride, and again remained silent while walking towards the locker room to get ready for their match.

As soon as their team was ready, waiting for their coach to tell them their positions, Jesse started realizing Loek wasn't there, and he wasn't going to show up either. It was way too late for him to show.

Loek was never late. Loek was punctual. But Loek was absent anyway.

And Jesse knew it had everything to do with his stunt from the night before. He already regretted it the second he had stepped outside, leaving behind the stranger in his sleep. But knowing Loek had decided not to show up for their match made him feel even worse.

Loek was one of the better players, and he would surely be missed.

Which caused it to hit Jesse pretty hard when Coach Leo told them Loek had resigned from soccer and would no longer be part of their team. As an explanation—since people asked why—the coach told them Loek had tried to join the team, but realized it wasn't his thing, so he left.

Jesse knew it was a lie. Loek had probably left because of him, and the fact that some of the guys on their team had given him a hard time after Jesse's arrest. It was all on Jesse, and the fact that he hadn't stopped guys like Roy from messing with Loek because of him.

It had felt too good, too safe, to know the guys had his back whenever he needed them. He was too proud to stop them from cussing at Loek, or even hitting him, getting in a physical fight.

Jesse regretted not stepping up and telling them to leave Loek alone. It was, after all, something between the two of them. Not between the team and Loek.

     "Okay, spill." Calix sat down next to him as soon as he was done showering. "What is going on?"

Jesse shook his head, staring down at his trembling hands. Tears were threatening to spill, and talking surely wouldn't help remaining calm.

"Come on, Jes." Calix nudged him. "You're... not here, mentally. You haven't been present the whole morning. And now Loek quit? Something happened, and you really need to tell me what, because I'm getting worried."

"It's just Loek, he's not special," Jesse mumbled, swallowing in an attempt to get rid of the lump that was forming in his throat.

"Yeah, right," Calix huffed. "You like him—more than you want to admit. And what he did was shitty, but maybe you should just talk and resolve your issues, because you are obviously upset about something and my bet is that you miss him."

"I do not miss him."

"You do, we can tell. Because lately, the only times we saw you smile, really smile, was when you were with Loek," Axel joined in, sitting down in front of him. "Just go over to his place and talk to him."

"I smile more often," Jesse defended himself, but then sighed, allowing his head to lean on his knees. "He made me happy, yes. But he broke my trust and I just want to forget about it. I wasn't even in love with him, so it's not a big deal."

"But you admitted before that he was on your mind. So maybe you like him a little?" Calix offered, audibly not sure if he was right. "Did you like him before he broke your trust?"

Jesse bit his lip, still unwilling to make eye-contact. But eventually he took a deep breath, blinking rapidly to try and push back the tears while he looked up towards the sky. "Yeah... I did."

"In that case you really should put aside your pride, and the fact that he broke your trust, and go over to talk," Axel repeated Calix' words, putting a hand on his shoulder. "I bet he can explain what happened."

"Something tells me you already know his explanation." Jesse turned his head to face Axel. "Do you?"

"No, but I know that if I'd be in his shoes, I would want a chance to explain myself." Axel shrugged, squeezing Jesse's shoulder. "And if it was the other way around, you would want to explain things too."

"Maybe you guys are right. But with everything that is going on, I just don't have any space left to worry about liking someone, or trusting him. It's not my priority. Quite honestly, getting a roof over my head has been the main priority."

"And you have one over your head now, Jesse. So maybe move on to the next thing—or person—on your priority list."

"That would be making sure Felipe will be punished for what he did to me." Jesse showed a small smile. He damn well knew it wasn't what Calix meant. "And yes, I know I can't do anything about that right now."

"So... how about Loek? Where is he on your list of priorities?"

Jesse bit his lip again, and allowed himself to think back of the short time he spent with Loek and Mees, and all the things he and Loek had done together. The laughs they had shared, and the fact that Loek had actually managed to cheer him up a bit. More than anyone else had done in a long time.

Not even Calix.

"Maybe... he's next on my list," Jesse admitted timidly. "I mean, I want to know why he left me, most of all."

"Then why are you still here? Why are you not at his place, asking him why?" Calix suddenly stood up and gestured for him to do the same. "Let's go and ask him, right now."

"I'm not sure he wants to see me right now..." Jesse muttered, sighing in defeat. "I kind of fucked up last night."

"What did you do?"

"I eh... left with someone else..." Jesse felt his face heating up. Despite them knowing he was gay, admitting he was having sex with guys still wasn't easy. He was still scared they would think it was gross and leave him.

"So that's what's on your mind!" Calix slapped the back of his head. "You regret it, don't you? Because Loek knows and..."

"Yes!" Jesse cried out, angry at himself for making a mess. "Yes, I regret every bit of it because I like Loek, but he hurt me and I wanted to make him feel just as miserable as I feel and I just fucked up, okay? And he probably doesn't want to see me right now."

"Well, the least you can do is try," Axel shrugged. "And listen to his side of the story, if you want him to listen to why you made the mistake you made last night."

"Yeah, so get your sulking ass in my car, and let's go and talk. Because really, this will only get worse if neither of you will start talking."

"Fine, we'll go and I'll try and talk to him. But if he has no good explanation for screwing me over, I want to leave without you two bitching that I should give it a chance," Jesse grumbled, following Calix towards the car.

"Deal. If his explanation is shitty, or just a weak excuse, we leave, and we'll help you forget about him." Axel patted his shoulder with a smirk. "We'll be your wingman."

"Really?" Jesse snorted, feeling amused. "Are you going to go into Unity with me to find me a hot guy?"

"What, no!" Axel huffed. "Sorry bro, but I'm not going to Unity. I have a reputation to keep up."

Jesse and Calix both laughed in response. While Jesse was trying to catch his breath, Calix smiled his charming smile and asked Axel, "What reputation?"

"Oh, shut up," Axel mumbled right before pulling the car door closed behind him.

Jesse shook his head, still chuckling, sitting down in the passenger seat. "Guys, you are the best friends a guy could ask for, really," he said when all three of them were seated in the car. "I don't know what I would do without you."

"Sulking in self-pity, definitely."

"Says he who sulked over Donna for weeks, and only stopped because of his friends," Calix backfired, quickly sending Axel a look. "We would all be sulking in self-pity if we wouldn't have each other, so I guess our friendship is just perfectly balanced."

Jesse nodding in response. "Agreed, it really is. We all need each other."