Sunday, October 28th

     Jesse woke up to an empty bed, with the shower running in the background. It caused him to sigh, then smile and roll his eyes. Loek was a morning person, and Jesse wasn't sure if he was ever going to get used to that while he lived with him.

He decided on staying in bed until Loek reappeared fresh and awake with just a towel around his waist. He was humming a song, and because Jesse stayed still in bed, he didn't notice the boy was awake and observing him.

He followed Loek while he walked over to his closet, retrieved clothes, and dropped them on the empty side of the bed. It was then that Jesse turned around, enabling him to follow Loek, who smiled as soon as he noticed Jesse was awake.

"Morning," he greeted him cheerfully. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah, why are you always up so early?" Jesse asked, rolling over so that he was on top of Loek's clothes. "You don't like cuddling, do you?"

"Oh..." Loek replied sheepishly. "I do, I just didn't take you for a cuddler."

"I wouldn't mind waking up in bed with you still in it for once."

"Is that so?" Loek raised one eyebrow, and the corner of his lips curled up, making him look cheeky again.

Jesse nodded, threw the clothes on the floor and pulled Loek onto the bed by his towel. "Get back in bed, it's way too early."

"Actually, it's nearly noon, but okay," Loek answered, pulling the covers up to get back in bed with Jesse. They snuggled up together, Jesse being the little spoon. He didn't mind, at all.

If he was being honest, he felt great in Loek's arms. He was still glowing after their nightly activities. Which made him wonder, was he actually falling in love with Loek? Nobody had ever made him feel as good as Loek did. Not even Calix, who couldn't return his feelings and automatically hurt him whenever they were together. Not that Calix wanted it, but it was the truth.

"I've been thinking," Loek said, kissing Jesse's shoulder shortly. "And I might cross a line here. If I do, please tell me it's none of my business..." he drawled, sounding hesitant.

"What were you thinking about?"

"Well, more... wondering than thinking," Loek whispered with his lips close to Jesse's ear. "Last night, when I..."

Jesse felt Loek taking in a deep breath, and he bit his lip, wondering what Loek wanted to talk about, and why he was as hesitant as he seemed.

"You wanted to switch."

"Yes..." Jesse mumbled, not liking where the conversation was going.

"Why... I mean... Did I do something wrong?"

"What?" Jesse exclaimed surprised. He had expected Loek to ask why, not if he had done something wrong. "No." He shook his head, though most of his movements were weakened by the pillow. "It wasn't you."

"Okay," Loek answered, breathing out in relief. "So, why..."

There was the question Jesse dreaded.

"No," was his firm reply. "Can we not talk about this, seriously?"

"Oh, okay," Loek's reply screamed worry, and Jesse hated that he sounded disappointed as well. But Jesse wasn't going to tell him his first and only experience as a bottom had been one hell of an amateuristic and embarrassing attempt at sex.

He couldn't even call it sex.

And he really didn't want to be reminded of the fact that he had to go home in the middle of the night, barely able to sit down on his bike—he walked most of the way—and hide from his family for a few days.

He had pretended to be sick, didn't go to school and rather wanted to rinse his memory with chloride and never think back to that one idiot of a good-looking guy.

Loek, however, proved to be just as curious by nature as Jesse was—maybe even worse—by trying to pry out an answer after an awkward silence that dragged on for minutes. Though it felt like hours.

Loek spoke quick, probably because he didn't want Jesse to cut him off again. "Can you just assure me that nothing bad happened to you?"

Jesse rolled over until he was on his back and able to look Loek in the eyes. "I said I didn't want to talk about it."

Loek bit his lip, and he looked away while his face flushed. He knew he was indeed crossing a line with his questions, and Jesse appreciated how he was visibly trying not to ask again.

"Define bad," Jesse eventually gave in when Loek opened his mouth again.

Loek's mouth snapped shut again, and for a few good seconds he kept his eyes closed. He was probably searching for the right words, and Jesse wondered what he would come up with. What did he think that happened?

"You know... like... someone forcing you," Loek eventually explained his question, and Jesse huffed in response, but then smiled.

"Nobody forced me, Loek. But I can't say it wasn't a bad experience. I just don't want to think about it."

Loek nodded in reply, and when he smiled, Jesse knew he had reassured him that he was telling the truth. After that, Loek respected his wish not to discuss the matter any further, and after they silently lay in each other's arms for a while, Jesse fell asleep again.

     Jesse was watching Calix mess around on his skateboard while Axel was trying to give him some tips. Out of the three of them, Axel was the most talented skater. Jesse was a decent skater who knew a few tricks. But Axel was the one that taught him everything he could.

They agreed on skating on a Sunday afternoon because that's what they usually did on Sunday's. But Jesse felt as if his two best friends were currently forcing a casual attitude.

Their conversations felt forced and it made Jesse feel uncomfortable. When he just arrived in the skatepark he had joined them in practising new tricks, but Jesse wasn't concentrating enough to learn new things.

He was distracted by the graffiti on a nearby wall that made him think about Loek.

And what they had done a few hours before.

Usually, the skatepark reminded him of Calix, no matter if he was present or not. Usually, anything reminded him of Calix.

The clear blue sky reminded him of his eyes, the sun reminded him of his tanned skin. Grass reminded him of Calix in his soccer outfit—in which he looked hot. Every part of town held memories of Jesse hanging out with Calix. The playground he passed almost daily on his way to school held memories of their childhood, the park reminded him of playing soccer in their free time. Many places in town held memories of Calix and his obsession with taking pictures. Which was why Jesse had started taking pictures too.

But that very day, things reminded Jesse of Loek. Not just the graffiti art that stood out against its surroundings. Whenever he stared up towards the sky, he'd see Loek's blue eyes; not Calix' eyes.

The sun reminded him of Loek's light blond hair. The park he had passed on his way here reminded him of the day he was kicked out by Felipe, and Loek had offered him a place to stay.

The smoothies they had bought about an hour ago reminded Jesse of his first ever meeting with Loek, when he had been mixing cocktails.

Jesse let out a deep sigh, leaning his chin on a hand. He was an overthinker, with everything. First and foremost, because of his ever-growing curiosity. Even when he was a kid he always wanted to know more, learn more, know why things happened and how they happened.

Second of all, he had kept secrets for so long, that he needed to overthink his words to prevent from blurting out the wrong things.

And now he couldn't stop overthinking Loek and Calix, and his shifting interest in both boys.

If he thought about it, he had to admit that he still cared about Calix' opinion, but not because he was obsessed with getting his attention. No, he cared about it because Calix was his best friend, and his support meant the world to him. But it no longer mattered more to him than Axel's approval.

Loek's opinion, however, seemed to become more important each day. Jesse thought before he acted, because he didn't want to hurt Loek by doing stupid things.

And not hurting Loek wasn't about yes or no getting kicked out of their apartment. No, it was about Loek's feelings, and the fact that Jesse cared about him—a lot.

Jesse wanted nothing more than to forget about Calix, move on, and fall in love with someone else. But now that it was happening, Jesse felt nervous. This was unknown territory to him. He had been in love with Calix for so long, that it was familiar, safe, easy. He had known Calix long enough to never wonder what he was thinking; he knew the other boy's thought process.

But Loek? Loek was different. He was adventurous, he was mischievous, he was new. Jesse didn't know what to expect. He couldn't predict Loek's behaviour like he could with Calix.

Besides, with Calix it had been safe because he was straight, and Jesse knew nothing would ever happen. They wouldn't get together. But whatever there was between Loek and him, it could happen. He could fall in love with Loek, and Loek could return the feelings. And that meant Jesse could decide to open up to the boy, and possibly end up getting hurt. Because with love, there was always a risk of getting hurt.

Intentionally, or unintentionally, it could happen.

And Jesse wasn't sure if he was ready to dive into a new romantic adventure. He wasn't even sure if Loek wanted more than just sleeping together. He had no idea what Loek's vision on relationships was, and if he liked Jesse more than just physical attraction.

"What are you thinking about?" Calix voice sounded like music in his ears, but while Jesse usually felt like melting whenever he heard his voice, he didn't have the same feeling then. He felt giddy, yes. Calix affected him still. Jesse didn't expect that to change anytime soon.

But things were changing nonetheless, and it was in the little things, not the obvious things about Calix that were still enchanting Jesse. It wasn't his voice, it wasn't his smile, it wasn't his eyes.

It was in the details, like the butterflies in Jesse's stomach that fluttered their wings weakly, instead of creating a storm.

He turned to look Calix' in his eyes, sighed and shrugged a shoulder.

"Hey, no more secrets, remember?" Calix nudged him with an elbow. "I'm here for you, remember?"

"We are," Axel joined, sitting down on his other side.

"So, what's occupying your mind today?"

Jesse rolled his eyes before he cast them down, staring at the concrete beneath his feet. Then he shyly admitted, "Loek Lindenberg."