Caleb

I was screwed.

Real screwed.

I’d crossed too many lines, said a lot of things I shouldn’t have, and basically kicked myself in the ass, you get the picture. The sun hadn’t even hit the sheets yet and I’d already—

Geezus.

Stupid clock.

Scared the hell outta of me. Didn’t matter how many times I’d fixed it, the piece of junk always ran late. Chimed whenever it wanted to. Worst part was, every hour or so that ratty old cuckoo wailed like a loon—screeched it sanity away.

Truth is, I didn't feel too far off from the old bird. Since this morning, I’ve kinda had this feeling that I was going out of my mind—there were hints all over the place. Like whenever I did something real bad, I didn’t really feel like it was me doing it. Sounds like whack-job talk, but sometimes my body just up and switched into autopilot and that was that. Blackout. Those times scared me worse than anything.

I guess, in my head, I saw myself as someone different—someone trying to figure out which way was up. Maybe if I tried being less stupid, I could flip things around, even turn out semi-decent. Problem with lying to yourself is, you only ever half-believe anything you say.

Twenty minutes back, Cillian stepped outside to find Marcus. He hadn’t said much, just left me alone in the house. I don’t mind being by myself or anything, but whenever it’s just me, I get to thinking about things. Things I probably shouldn’t be. So, I stopped myself, limped right over into the kitchen and stuck my head in the sink. I didn’t pick up on how dark the water was at first, but when I opened my eyes it was bloody—too bloody to be only mine. I jerked my head out and threw up all over my chucks. Blood, water, and spit spattered down onto my only good pair of shoes—and I loved the hell outta those shoes.

Marcus caught me off guard.

“You alright, Caleb?”

The guy could walk into a room without anyone hearing his feet hit the floor. I felt like crap, so you can guess how I must’ve looked. He couldn’t have picked a crummier time to sneak in on me.

“Fine, just washing up.”

I straightened out and wiped the spit off the corners of my mouth. If he’d been paying attention, he would have caught me in an easy lie. He couldn’t be bothered.

“Give us a hand then.” Marcus asked.

I don’t know what it was about what he’d said, but I couldn’t really bring myself to bounce across the room and help him like I usually did. I just, didn’t move. Maybe it was nerves, maybe I was sick of Marcus slaving me around. Either way, his God complex was gonna push me over the edge if he didn’t keep it in check.

When I didn’t move, Cillian whistled me over, three or four times. I hated that. What am I? A fucking terrier? I’d cut his lips off if it meant I’d never have to hear it again. But of course, when I stayed put, he kept at it.

Him and Marcus were carrying something covered in burlap into the house. Must’ve been heavy ‘cause Cillian stopped whistling when he ran out of breath. Neither of my brothers were making much progress, so I started in their direction, feeling a little guilty about being rebellious.

Before I was halfway across the room, Marcus caught his foot on the edge of the carpet, and nearly dropped whatever it was he was holding.

Rusty’s hand slipped out from under the crosshatched cloth. His wedding ring caught the sunlight.

That was the first time in my life I felt my pulse slow to a near stop.

Seeing somebody who means anything to you like that is enough to do you in. I wish it had. Would’ve saved me from feeling like I did. Took me a minute to take my eyes off Rusty, but when I finally got around to it, my Adam’s apple swelled up about as big as a grapefruit. I didn’t dare cry, though.

“Are you just gonna stand there, Caleb? Get over here the old man’s heavy!”

I should’ve hit Cillian for complaining like he was. Matter of fact, I was thinking about clearing the table in front of me, just to knock his jaw backwards. It would’ve been enough for me just to see him bleed, but I didn’t make a move. Damn I wanted to, but two against one would’ve been suicide. I just stood where I was, soaked through the wife beater, staring at Rusty’s ring.

My brothers shuffled past me, both turning purple in the face under Rusty’s weight. They stumbled through the kitchen, both covered in so much sweat, I could smell the stink from where I was standing.

Marcus nodded me in the direction of the cold store. He must’ve had it in his head that I was gonna go along with whatever he said. He didn’t even look at me when he asked. He didn’t have any plans to either, cause’ if he did, he’d have to read the resentment scrawled all over my face.

“Get the door, Caleb!”

Marcus was shouting this time around and I didn’t have an inch worth of patience for that kind of crap.

“Figure out a free hand and open it yourself," I shouted.

Marcus tensed up the second he heard me, clamped down on his teeth so hard his jaw line jutted right out of his face. He stepped towards me, forgetting what he held in his hands, and Rusty’s head rolled right across his t-shirt. Stained the cheap cotton sticky red. He paled a little, his inner obsessive compulsive freaking out at the sight of blood all over his clothes. Murder wasn’t something Tide was gonna fix.

“Caleb, get over here!"

Marcus was so jittery, even his stutter came out from its hiding place. He was tripping over his C’s and G’s so badly I thought he’d choke on his tongue. Wouldn't have been a tragedy if he did.

Cillian scrambled to keep Rusty’s feet at chest-level. He looked ridiculous trying to prop up a guy twice his weight. Marcus was white enough to pass for paper. From the looks of it, he was gonna get his way whether I agreed or not.

He didn’t wait for me to make a decision. He hauled Rusty’s body over, dropped him into my lap, and just like that, he bailed. Waltzed right into the kitchen and sat down in the nearest chair with his feet up.

Can’t say I expected him to act any different. I’d been pissed at Marcus before, but this was something else. This was something that would eat me alive if I didn’t keep an eye on it. To be honest, I didn’t know how much longer my conscience was going to babysit a bad temper.

When Marcus’s color had come back, he fell right into his habit of throwing orders around.

“The two of you can leave him in the freezer, we can’t have Russ bleeding all over the welcome mat.”

I barely heard a word of what he’d said. The second Rusty’s head fell into my hands, I started shaking so badly I was scared I’d drop him.

I couldn’t do this. I wasn’t even gonna try. Maybe Marcus and Cillian were cut out for covering up a murder, but I didn’t have whatever it was they did. Maybe I was messed up. Maybe I was the milkman’s kid, cause’ I was the only one who couldn’t follow through on all of this.

“Are you out of your mind Marcus?! I’m not doing anything like that. Get off your ars and grab a shovel from out back so we can bury him properly. ”

Before he could answer, Cillian decided to grace us with his two cents.

“What’s wrong Caleb? Worried your girlfriend won’t take nicely to a corpse? Don’t fret too much Cal, she’s not far off—”

Cillian stopped himself a few seconds too late. I couldn’t tell if he was running his mouth like he always did or spilling bits and pieces of the truth. Either way, he had me on edge. I wished he’d stop bringing her up.

“ What’s he talking about, Marcus?”

“Nothing that concerns you.”

“All of this concerns me! Who got you Anderson’s kid? Who are the cops gunning for? None of you. So don’t give me any crap about what concerns me and what doesn’t Marcus.”

He’d pissed me off to the point where my pulse started beating through my eyelids. Marcus didn’t say anything for a while. Not a damn word, just stood there, looking down from the hard ridge of his nose, making the couple inches he had on me feel like miles.

"Caleb, if you’re angry about Rusty, I understand, but I hope you realize what kind of situation you put us in when you brought him here. "

"Blame me until you believe it, Marcus, but the cuffs were your call.”

When Marcus stood up from his chair all of sudden, I knew what he was planning on doing. The second he got close enough, I let one of my hands loose and got a couple of hard right hooks in, but he wrestled Rusty out of my grip the second he saw an opportunity. There were plenty, I didn’t really have it in me to keep Marcus away. So I backed off and swallowed the hurt. I lost that fight, for Russ more than anyone else.

Cillian and Marcus dragged Rusty into the cold store despite me. I heard Hailey sobbing from where I was, and immediately tuned her out. I couldn’t deal with her right now. I couldn’t deal with any of this. There was blood all over the floor, all over my hands, all over me.

That’s when I felt it, the start of another blackout.

I looked over at the back door. It was right there, close enough to hear the cicadas hissing right outside. Three steps and I could be outta here. Maybe I’d walk fifteen miles into town, turn myself in, and let the legal system screw with me for a while. Or maybe I’d just run around the fields till I got lost enough to forget my way back to this hellhole.

I blinked once and was out the door. Twice. Running. The third time, I tripped over my shoelaces.

I hit the dirt face first and sucked in a mouthful of dust before pulling myself up. Thirty-seconds out into the fields and I’d already landed flat on my face. God wanted me to stay right where I was. Dust to dust, I guess.

I looked down to see what in the hell had caught hold of me and saw a hand hanging on to the bottom of my jeans.

It moved. I nearly stopped breathing.

The fingers gripped around my ankle and pulled hard enough to tear my foot clean off. I kicked my leg out to try and shake it off, screaming like a fourteen-year old girl.

“Shut up Caleb! Keep up that hollering and you’ll have the army out for us!”

Liam was looking up at me from the ground, his hand still clamped around my ankle. His eyes were glazed over like he’d been crying.

I’d only seen him cry once in my life. That was a day I didn’t like to think about much.

I don’t know how I’d managed to find him after he’d been gone for as long as he had. Now that I was face to face with him, I didn’t know how I felt about it. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to find him still breathing when Rusty wasn’t.

I guess the good people go first. They die sooner than the rest of us, cause Heaven can’t wait to have them back. Nothing was waiting for my brothers and me. We were the cockroaches. We’d be the lonely ones.

I didn’t say anything for a long while, just stared at Liam until my eyes stung. He looked like he was injured. I should’ve been worried about how bad it was. I should’ve asked him what happened, but I didn’t do either of those things. The only thing that I could do was think about how much blood I’d seen, and how much of it he was responsible for.

“What are you looking at?” he asked, trying his hardest to intimidate me, but it took more energy and effort than he had left in him. He looked like hell. Paler than I’d ever seen him and struggling just to sit up straight. Could’ve been worse though, he could’ve been dead and half frozen in a meat locker.

“What’s wrong Caleb? Too angry about your dead pig friend to give me a hand?”

The first punch was easiest. You don’t feel the sting on the first few. Before I knew it, I was going after him like he had me earlier, pounding his head in like it was a pillow. Didn’t matter if I would pay for it later, I wanted him to feel at least a fraction of what he’d done to me. I would’ve killed him if I didn’t care about him enough to want him to hear what I was saying. This is how we understood each other. Maybe we were crazy for that—I don’t know.

Took me a little bit, but I stopped hitting him when I started to feel bad about it. Liam latched onto my arm and pulled himself up. I couldn’t really see how much he was bleeding at dusk, but judging from how much trouble he was having straightening himself out, it must’ve been a lot. He spat out a mouthful of the red sticky stuff, and smiled at me through bloody teeth. I didn’t know what that was supposed to mean, but it made my skin crawl.

“I’m sorry about the old man, Cal.”

He sounded like he meant it. Maybe he was screwing with me, but he seemed too tired to lie.

“You alright?”

“Do I look alright, Caleb?

Liam wasn’t putting any weight on his left side. Looked like his arm was dead. He couldn’t even use it to lean on.

“Not too terrible,” I nearly choked on that lie, cause I didn’t have the heart to tell him he looked like shit.

Liam was sensitive about that kind of stuff. Rusty had blown a hole about the size of a quarter straight through his shoulder. God, it was gross. I’d never seen an injury that bad, and I sure as hell was glad he couldn’t either.

Liam was the type to spook every time he caught a cold. Strangely enough, now that he’d really hurt himself, he was calmer than he should’ve been. Luckily, there weren’t any mirrors around.

“Your officer friend put up quite a tiff. He had me worried back there for a minute.”

He reached over to cover up his gunshot wound. The dust in the air was starting to stick to it and if he didn’t wash it out soon, he’d end up with an infection we didn’t have the money to fix.

“Don’t start that conversation, Liam.”

He laughed to himself. Not too sure what he found so funny, but I wasn’t in a laughing kind of mood.

“You know, you’re as fussy as Mum used to be. Should’ve named you Carlie with those mood swings of yours. Man up a little, Caleb. You’re making this harder on yourself than you need to.”

He was right but I’d be damned before I admitted it.

“You know, every time we have to make a hard decision you’re up in arms, Cal.”

“I’m not! I just don’t know if I’m okay with everything we’re doing, and I’m not too sure why you are.”

Liam turned away from me.

“We’re doing what we have to, Cal.”

I wished he knew how crazy he sounded. It scared me that he didn’t.

“This family is mine Caleb. I’ll bleed for it and I’ll murder for it, and that’s exactly what I did. That redneck pig threatened me, so I put a bullet in his brain. I eliminated the problem. Took responsibility. So, get it through your head that until Anderson is here in the flesh, begging for that tramp back, I’m gonna do whatever I need to. Are we clear?”

That was Liam’s version of an ultimatum. I’d go with it for now, as long as it got him off my back.

“What do we do about Hailey? I beat her up pretty bad earlier. We should put it online or something, maybe let her Dad see it, that’ll get him out here faster.”

Liam looked close to being proud of me for what I’d said. I didn’t mean a word of it.

“Attaboy, Cal! I like your basic concept but I’ve got a few other ideas for the girl. More creative. She’ll make a pretty spectacle. Under normal circumstances, Mum would’ve loved her, you know. I’d marry a girl like that.”

“Let’s get back to the house. It’s getting dark.”

Mum wasn’t something I was gonna talk about with Liam or anyone else. This conversation would’ve made her sick. I mean, I hated Anderson as much as Liam—but I wasn’t angry enough to do the things to Hailey that Liam was talking about. Sure, I’d die for my family, but I wouldn’t kill for them.

I helped Liam to his feet so we could get back to the house before he bled himself dry. Walking back through those fields, I had a feeling about how things were gonna go down once we got there. So, I made a decision. The kind you have to own, the kind you regret if you don’t stick to it.

I wasn’t gonna hurt anybody anymore. My brothers could beat me till my kidneys burst, but I wasn’t gonna touch Hailey or anyone else even if they hated me for it.

Problem with lying to yourself is, you only ever half believe it.