Usually TWS as alwayssssss you know the drill, it's nothing new

Yeah not feeling so great right now

Why am I making this a whole book instead of an announcement on my mb?

Well, basic answer, I feel lonely asf right now

And nobody in my house is wanting to listen to me

My mom (currently) is in her room on her audio book, even when hanging out with me, always saying it's a "good part" and that she'll talk to me/do stuff without it later (she almost never does)

My grandma, who is too up in politics to care about anything else, is out of town

And my sister is hanging out with my uncle

... for the past 4 hours. I've tried to tell them that i wanna do something with him/them, yet my sister just always says "oh but it's my turn" or "you are always on call so it's your fault"

Really? I'm on call to cope with living with your ass, and you say it's my fault?

She always do this. She always hogs him.

The only person in my family that gives a shit, is being taken from me

That might sound selfish, but idc.

My mom is too cooped up in her books to care, she's been avoiding us more recently, probably cause she's overwhelmed

She was really bad when school ended, and avoiding her own family has made her feel better

Just today she was making food for my sister and my sis literally said multiple times what she wanted for dinner and my mom still messed it up cause she couldn't hear her due to her headphones. And she didn't even wanna take them off or apologize.

I can't say I necessarily hate her for it, but it just makes me feel kinda unwanted, yknow?

And every time I try to hang out with my mom, i just get belittled or interrupted by my sister/brother, and she immediately goes to them

I feel like I don't even know my own family anymore.

It's probably childish to want so much attention anyways, so I'm in the wrong here if that's the case.

But still, i just can't help but feel severely unloved.

Although my sister has been (mostly) calm since i came back from my trip to see my bf, even if it stays that way, it wont last. It'll end when school starts. She always gets so much worse around that time.

Yknow how she is. She can change on a dime, it doesn't matter what's happening/how she feels.

And I know for a fucking fact that she is gonna absolutely hate on me when school starts.

Especially since I only get 4 hours a day due to my school, shes gonna be even worse.

She's gonna say this shit all over again, and I'm gonna have to deal with it.

I can't. I physically, mentally, emotionally can't.

I just can't. Idc how strong or brave I might be, it's hell. Being told you're not worth it. Being told you're selfish. Being told to kill yourself. Being told you're sensitive for cutting yourself. Being told you're a wimp for 'running away' to a different school after being sexually assaulted.

It hurts. It really does. And it's been a tad bit better this past month, but she's always horrible around school time.

She was a torture by the time school ended, so she's probably gonna be even worse this year.

And she's gonna have even more distractions and ways to avoids her problems, so she's just gonna take them out on others MORE.

But she's gonna be here for at least one more year. A year? Of this? I don't think I can manage.

Something has got to change, like I keep saying. But nobody irl gives two shits.

She's the loved and favorite, so nobody will send her off to a mental hospital, even if she was on the brink of madness.

They will just continue to coddle her and punish me for my feelings.

She will just continue to make me feel insignificant to the point of nothingness.

I'm just so tired.

I don't know what to do anymore, I feel trapped.

More than trapped. I feel like I can't even fucking breathe.

I can't escape. I can never escape.

The other day, I sorta attempted? At least in my head I did. The blade was dull and I had no shot, but still.

I wanted to die.

I haven't felt suicidal to that point in months.

Is it coming back? Am I getting worse again?

Am I gonna become how I did a year ago?

I can't. I can't go back. I've worked so fucking hard to get better, and for it all to go to shit again?

I don't want that.

I would rather die then have that.

I just wanna be normal.

I just wanna have a normal life.

A normal family.

A normal fucking sister.