(May 11th, 2017)

   You suddenly realize that all the love songs, in desperate need, suddenly become about that person that you crave for so much, that you're not supposed to crave for.

   Throughout all these years, I have learned that people love when they are alone, not when they are ready and with that, they destroy.

   Looking at Jeremy I realized that we were both pieces of forever. We were. We don't know what it's like, or what it would be like until we are both equally damaged.

   He was typing away furiously on his Mac until I called out to him and asked him what he wanted to have for breakfast.

   "What is it that the baby is craving today," was his reply, given by a lop-sided smile. I couldn't help but smile back.

   You see, no matter what you go through, or what people do to you. We are all human in the end, and what humans do is make mistakes, and what they also do very often is forgive. They forgive and trust again, after being broke, after being shattered and they will do it another million times, they will go through it again and they will still make the same decisions because what matters is the now and the rest might never happen, who knows.

   Bad things happen to good people. They happen now and don't last forever. We do not know how long now lasts, all we know is that it doesn't.

   "Cass, baby. Did you hear me?"

   "I'm sorry," I said, shaking my head. Raising my hands and gathering my hair up into a high tail, I tied it up and headed over to the kitchen to start preparing breakfast.

   I felt his hands wrap around my waist as I prepared the batter for our pancakes, I turned to look at Jeremy.

   Raising my eyebrow quizzically, I mumbled "What?"

   "Nothing, need help with anything?"

   I snorted.

   "Hey!" I raised my hands up in mock surrender. "I am not that bad!"

   "Sure you aren't."

   "Whatever, you're just jealous you can't cook as good as I do."

   Raising another eyebrow at that, I turned back around to continue mixing the batter. 

   Fifteen minutes of hell with Jeremy bothering me in the kitchen and I was done with the breakfast that almost burnt, obviously because of him.

   Life didn't seem like an easy task when it came to Jeremy, but it was never meant to be easy so why not start of with the hardest and follow the mind.

   I never understood how people could love with their heart. I never wanted to love anybody with a blood pumping machine. I want to love with my entire being. I want to love one with my knees and fingertips. I want to love with my back and mind. I want to love with my wrinkles and scars. I want to love one with all the spaces in between.

   What one could think is beautiful, every mind was and there was no doubt about it. The only darkness in this world is the space between one being and another and that is what bothered us all, what effected us the most.

   Swallowing my last mouthful, I chugged down my freshly squeezed orange juice and looked up at Jeremy, watching him do the same. 

   He was beautiful and it never stopped to amaze me. The way his bronze skin looked so smooth under the sun and under the light of the moon. He was a perfect physical object, but that's all the perfect he could manage.

   We all are perfect physical objects that many of us do not see, what we are not are perfect characters because we don't create ourselves. We are what we surround ourselves with.

   "Cass?"

   "Hmm?" I mumbled, shaking my head. I need to stop spacing out. 

   "Do you think we need to go to the doctor again?"

   "What? You think I am crazy now?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. I was slightly offended and I was trying as much as I can not to show it.

   "That's not what I meant and you know it."

   "I know."

   "You just started spacing out lately, again. I am worried about you." He said, coming to sit by my side and place me on his lap. I grabbed onto the bar table, afraid to fall.

   "I won't drop you, Cassidy. Not again." I know he wasn't referring to dropping me literally, but I pretended to be oblivious.

    ***

   "Your brain is the control center of your body. It is a part of the neurological system, a complex system that includes the spinal cord and a vast network of nerves and neurons that control and implement the functions you do every day. Brain disorders occur when your brain is damaged by injury, disease, or health conditions. The symptoms of brain disorders typically depend on the cause of the condition. Brain disorders may affect the main areas of your brain that control how you move, think, and behave. Some tumors can constrict the blood vessels in your brain. I am also happy to inform you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, or your way of thinking. It's just the pregnancy hormone and I suggest you take more rest and as of your past status with the syndrome. There is absolutely nothing to worry about, that is all, dear. Have a nice day," she smiled at me, handing me my results and I smiled back. Thanking her, I walked out of the doctor's office and stood in front of Jeremy who was waiting on the chair outside.

   As soon as he saw me walk out, he stood up and pulled me in for a quick hug.

   "How'd it go?"

   "It's just the pregnancy hormones she said," I mumbled, my voice muffled because of his chest being pressed against my face.

   "Thank the god. I was so worried," he said, kissing me once, and then again and again. I placed my hands on his shoulders and leaned into his soft touch. It was addicting, very and there was nothing I could do to stop.

   His hands moved to my waist and pulled me closer to him, my papers and bag slipping from my hands on the floor with a loud thud but I didn't bother.

   Groaning, I tucked him closer by his shirt and smiled into the kiss.

   "I am sorry to interrupt, but this is a public hospital. I hope you understand," she said. She was a petite woman who I disliked immediately. Blonde hair, red painted lips and too tight nurse clothes if that was even possible. Her smile was so fake, I thought the hospital would make more profit selling barbies than hiring nurses like that to take care of patients.

   "Yes," Jeremy growled, grabbing hold of my hand and with the other, bending down to pick up the things that I've dropped earlier.

   "I'm hungry," I said, shoving my hands into the pocket of my black coat, peering at Jeremy through my hat. His lips were now swollen and too red, and I haven't seen a sight better. It never dawned me how one could get bored of loving only one person.

   "You just ate an hour ago," he mock gasped. Throwing his hand over my shoulder, he grinned.

   "The baby did, I didn't. Now take me somewhere, I'm hungry," I repeated and he glared. Smiling innocently I walk a little bit faster and pull the door of his black convertible open.

   "Where are we going to go?" I asked, thinking of all the amazing things that I could swallow right now. 

   "I don't know. What do you want?"

   "Chinese. Italian. Ice cream. Pizza. Indian. I don't know. Everything." I listed everything that cam straight out through my mind.

   My stomach was calling for the whales and I was clutching it terribly.

   "Hungryyyy," I whined.

   "Damn it woman, control." he chuckled, taking a left.

   The wind was singing through my hair, the sound was pleasant. I closed my eyes, trying to enjoy every moment of it. 

   Snuggling further into the position that I was in, I turned my head to look at our surroundings as we drove by. It was simple in our city, it was always simple. But somehow that simplicity made it beautiful. The highways were plain and somehow always freshly painted and fixed. The streets were covered with bushed and trees and other greenery one can never think of. 

   "I invited our parents for dinner tonight."

   I spluttered all the food I had in my mouth, bursting into fits of coughing. Jeremy stood up and patted my back whilst I looked up at him, wide-eyed. Is he mad? That he was. He was more than just mad.

   "You did what?" I asked as soon as he was seated.

   "I invited our pare-"

   "Yeah, I got that part. But why would you do that?"

   Flushing slightly, he said, "I wanted to tell them that were having a baby."

   "And you couldn't do that over the phone because?" I asked, raising my eyebrows and crossing my arms over my chest.

   "It's not something people discuss over the phone, Cassidy."

   I sighed. "I know."

   The rest of the meal went by fast and silent. He looked at me and I looked at him. He would look at me again and I would do the same. I enjoyed looking at him, but not for too long. It was something I could never do.

   "Are you done with that?" I asked.

   He gave me a short nod and smiled, I smiled back and said "Well, let's go then."

   Leading me out of the little food producing goodness as he would like to call it, I begged him to give me his car keys.

   "But I want to drive."

   "No, I will not let you. You're pregnant."

   Leave it to Jeremy to say the most obvious thing in the world.

   "Yes, pregnant not disabled."

   He let out a loud sigh that sounded more like a growl or was it a growl that could be excused for a sigh? Never mind that. He finally handed me the keys. Yaay, pregnancy hormones! 

   What a woman enjoyed was power. What she enjoyed more than that is power over a man and what a pregnant woman enjoyed more (me, right here) was getting what she wanted and even Jeremy wouldn't prevent me from getting what I wanted right now.

   When we were parked, I turned to Jeremy and said, "You're cleaning the house and getting dinner."

   "What? Why?" he gasped, mocking horror.

   Does he ever grow up? Perhaps, Peter Pan never really did. Mentally at least.

   "I am pregnant," I stated, smiling innocently.

   "Yes, pregnant! Not disabled!" he whisper-yelled, throwing his hands up like a mad man.

   "Won't work. You invited them. You didn't tell me about it. I am tired and so is my baby. What happened for and during dinner is your responsibility and I am not doing anything."

   "Okay."

   "Affirmative."

   With that I handed him the keys and made my way into the house, the heaven waiting for me which was my bedroom. It felt like it was calling for me and for some reason that sounded very appealing right now.

   "You gonna take a nap?" Jeremy asked, throwing the keys into the basket that lay on the black, smooth kitchen counter.

   "Yes, I'm tired." I mumbled, rubbing my hands against my dark washed jeans.

   "Okay," he said, placing a small kiss on my forehead. His hand at the back of my neck.

   "I love you," he whispered.

   I gave him a weak nod and walked into my room. 

   I don't think I would ever learn to say that word back. People throw this word the way they want it and I refused to do the same. The words 'I love you,' are like a flower and I hate flowers. I think, I think they die too fast and so do those words. Everything dies out eventually even the strongest of love.

   Slipping into my pink pajamas that had little bunnies printed on them, I made myself comfortable in bed. Placing a pillow next to my stomach and the other under my feet. I never slept with a pillow under my head so I didn't bother to change that.

   "Cassidy, baby, they are here."

   I mumbled a 'leave me alone' but he kept his hold on my shoulder. Opening my eyes, I grabbed my phone from the nightstand and looked at the time. 7pm. Just two hours of sleep, fantastic.

   "Our parents are here."

   My eyes widened. I thought they would pop out of their sockets. "What?" I screeched.

   "Come on, get dressed up."

   But, I was too lazy and so, I did it the way my parents always hated me do things. But it wasn't under them anymore and so it was my choice, always will be from the day I left.

   I pulled on a pair of grey sweatpants, pink toms and a black and white - thick striped sweater. Applying some mascara and tying my hair up into a slick ponytail, I disregarded washing my face.

   "Hello, mother," I nodded as I entered the kitchen, passing by Jeremy.

   "Father," I said, giving him a nod as well.

    The truth was that, after all these years I still didn't know how to address my parents. They were too reserved, too closed up for me to reach. I didn't know them and I don't think I ever will and I don't know what was worse. Me not caring, or them.

   "You've put on some weight, darling. How many times do I have to tell you? It is not nice of a woman to be like that. I raised you better than that," she smiled sweetly, too sweetly. It was fake.

   "You didn't raise me, mother." I forced out.

   I smiled at Mr. and Mrs. Carvalho. Jeremy's parents were great, I hoped this dinner wouldn't make them think any less of me because of my parents.

"Don't talk to me like that, young lady," she scolded. I just narrowed my eyes at her and picked on my chicken salad.

Shaking her head, she looked down at her plate and frowned.

Oh no, not again.

"I think this chicken is under cooked, have you tried it before you served it honey? Perhaps you shouldn't sleep when you know you've invited guests. That's very inappropriate, Cassidy."

"Ekatirina, stop it."

"What? I am trying to teach this woman something. Clearly, she hasn't learned anything."

"Ekatirina, not now."

"Come on, don't tell me you don't see it. Look at her, she's grown big, fat."

I sighed, looking at Jeremy whose face was red now. Placing my hand on his thigh, I gave him a reassuring smile as he turned to look at me.

Jeremy's parents were looking around, trying to pretend like this wasn't effecting them, but I knew better than that.

"Ekatirina please!" He yelled.

I think I heard a pin drop, but I wasn't quite sure. I turned to look at my dad, my fork dropping, eyes widening. He never yelled at my mother. She must have really, royally pissed him off.

"You look sick, sweet heart. Are you okay?" Jeremy's mother, Fernanda, asked.

"Oh I'm fine, just pregnant."

And this time, I swear, it wasn't me who dropped a fork.