(January 29th, 2015)

  It was hot. Too hot. 

  I tried turning around, but my body was under another. I slowly opened my eyes and looked at the hand wrapped around my waist and then to the owner of that huge arm.. Hand, or should I say paw?

  At first, I started panicking. Why would Jeremy's hand be wrapped around me and why was he in my bed in the first place. After racking my mind for what seemed so long, I couldn't find a proper explanation for myself.

  "Morning, wife," he mumbled, sleepily. As soon as he called me a 'wife', the realization hit me and I started laughing. He pulled me closer to his body and asked,"What's so funny?"

  "Nothing,"

  "Cassidy, you better tell me or I will.."

  "You will what?" I asked, raising an eyebrow at him. I tried to wiggle out of his grasp, but it didn't seem to work and so I settled for patience. I waited for him to let go of me so that I could shower. I was sweating like a... Never mind.

  He lifted my shirt up, exposing my bare stomach. I looked at him sternly and asked, "Jeremy," I purposely dragged his name, "What are you doing?"

  "Nothing," he remarked innocently and started moving his finger around my stomach, tickling me. 

  "S-stop!" I screamed between fits of laughter. He smiled at me, the smile I adored so much, and then brought his face closer to mine, his mouth on my ear, "Tell me that you love me and I'll let you go," he said, his eyes glistening in amusement.

  For me, it was different. It didn't make me laugh or smile and his finger on my stomach had no reaction out of me at all now. It's like everything stood frozen. Do I still love him? Do I really? I wanted to be with Zachary so much and I mentioned that to Jeremy right after we married. It all sounds so messed up. One thing I am sure of, it will be against my vows to tell him that, even if I do and I will not, I will not say a word of it or even speak of it.

  He must have noticed the change of mood and the frown on my face because he stopped tickling me and for that I was thankful. His hands dropped to his sides and he moved off me. I hopped out of the bed and looked back at him and said, "I'm going to shower, try making some sandwiches and don't burn the kitchen. I'm not making breakfast today,"

  "I'll join you in the shower,"

  "No, thank you. You're up for breakfast, go make something," I said, not looking him in the eye.

  I don't know why things keep getting awkward and coming to think of it, this is how it will be for the rest of my life. Me married to Jeremy because I had to save my dad's company that was at risk and I'm here like an idiot. The only thing I know is that God wouldn't give me anything that I cannot handle and I do not even know what I can or cannot handle right now. It's all so confusing.

  Everything, about three weeks ago I was whining and vowing of never seeing Jeremy again and now I am stuck with him in a marriage and the worst thing, is that this marriage seems so real. This time, he's the one who has to put the effort if he wants this to work. I was tired after all he did, I was trying. Forgive is forgiven, but there is no chance of forgetting. I can't forget. It's all that has been running in circles around me and I can't just forget it.

  I walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind me, stripping my clothes of I hoped into the shower, the hot water massaging my back, calming my nerves and melting my worries away.

  I thought abck to the days where me and Jeremy would talk about our future. I was too stupid to believe it all. I was too yound and naive. I would think that every word he ever said was true.

  I was a woman who was thought to live in her own way and not by her imagination. I was never given the choice of freedom, but I always had what I wanted and it never occurred to me, or the people who have given me everything I have ever had that I only wanted freedom. They believe that to me, it wasn't that important after all.

  And so, that is how I ended up being the precious kid all this time until lately I decided to crash my parents' dreams. Really, I'm not the on who crashed their, they crashed mines. I never thought I would end up in an arranged marriage, considering both my parents were in love from different ends of the world. How do you think that makes me feel?

  Parents kill the most of dreams and I think we all know it.

  I grabbed my shampoo bottle and squeezed some out onto my palm, gently applying it to my hair and massaging my scalp. After repeating the action a few more time, I rinsed the shampoo off.

  I heard the bathroom door open and close.

  "You forgot to get yourself a towel," Jeremy said and I sighed.

  I stuck my hand out of the curtain and he handed it to me, I wrapped it around my body and stepped out.

  "Hey," he breathed.

  "Umm.. Hi?" I asked, not sure what was this all about and then it hit me, I was in only a towel, in the bathroom and Jeremy was here. 

  His eyes trailed down my body and I just looked away.

  "Do you think you could leave so that I can umm.. put something on?" I asked him.

  "Its not like I-" I cut him off before he could say anything else.

  "Please?" I asked, once again.

  He frowned but did as he was told to anyway. As soon as he left the bathroom I clipped my bra that was followed by a white tank and a light pink, fuzzy sweater with big white flowers on them. I pulled on my underwear and black skirt with little white polka dots surrounding it. 

  Jeremy would always complain about how bad I was with mixing patterns, but I never cared. It's my choice anyway, I will wear what I want to wear.

  I stepped out of the bathroom and walked down the hall, into my.. our living room. I spotted his laptop open and thought of maybe, maybe we could go on a trip somewhere? It was really boring here, sitting in a house which was located in the city I was born in, New York, Malone. 

  I sat on the couch, dragging the coffee table closer to me and looking up at his laptop. I sound escaped it's loudness and I looked up at the sign to see that he received a message on Facebook, I clicked on a few bars here and there and saw that it was from Hana.

  Why would she message him? Doesn't she know? All different types of questions settled on my mind and I couldn't seem to find an answer to any of them.

  Before I could read the message, Jeremy took the laptop away from me. I looked up at him to see his eyes cornered with red and he was mad. Really, really mad.

  "How many times to I have to tell you not to touch my stuff?" He yelled, crashing the lamp that was on table at the side of the couch. 

  I cringed, it was one of my favorites.

  "I-" I tried to explain but I was long time cut off by him throwing his laptop across the room.

  "Do you have to drill it into your freaking head? How many times do I have to tell you over the years? Don't you get it?" He continued yelling.

  I stood up and slapped him.

  "Don't you dare," I said, "yell at me"

  I stood my ground, grabbed my phone and placed it into my purse along with my wallet and pulled on my black heels.

  "Where are you going?" He asked, his voice much more calm than before.

  "That is," I said pointing at him, "none of your business"

  I grabbed my car keys off the kitchen counter and left the house. 

  I knew that one of the things I had to do is survive. I don't want to survive with him. I want to live. There is a difference between living and surviving. Loving and being addicted. Now I understood, that all this time. I didn't love him. I was addicted to him. 

  People say that love is a drug, or maybe love is like a drug. But it is not. People who say that never loved, they have been addicted to a person, but they didn't love them and it all seems so wrong.

  The next thing I know, I'm walking down the block not sure where I'm going. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish Jeremy would run out of that door and tell me that his sorry and take me back inside and tell me that everything will be okay and we could work things out for the sake of the contract I signed.

  But I knew better than that, I knew that Jeremy would never come running after me or apologize for something he does, even so much as yelling. I didn't even do anything, plus, I'm his wife. Doesn't that like count or something? I thought he agreed to..

  Who am I kidding? It is Jeremy after all.

  My phone was buzzing in my purse and I took it out tp check who is calling.

  What a coincidence. I thought. It was Hana.

  "Hello?"

  "Hey, Hana," I was pretty angry at her right now. Why would she text Jeremy right now after everything? Does she need anything? 

  "Cassidy! Oh my god, it's been so long. How are you doing?"

  "I'm all right," I said, kicking the pebble on the ground.

  I think she could sense that I was far beyond fine, but I am glad she decided to switch topics.

  "I was wondering if I could meet you up somewhere? I'm in New York now. I have a lot to tell you, just let me know when we can meet up, all right?"

  "That's great. You could come by my place tomorrow in the morning?" I asked, "Jeremy would be at work," I added.

  "Who cares about Jeremy?" She giggled and I joined her.

  "All right then, it's settled then," I said.

  "See you," and I cut the phone. 

  Suddenly a thought passed through my mind and I only knew one person who would support me through it. 

  I swiped my finger through the phone screen to unlock it and dialed his number.

  "Good afternoon, this is Anderson's-" I cut him off before he would give it a full on introduction.

  "Zachary! It's me, Cass," I squealed into the phone.

  "Wow, I never knew you were so excited about me. Why are you calling?" He asked, sweetly, knowing me all to well when I need him and how I need him.

  "I was wondering if you could help me," I mumbled shyly, playing with the hem of my flowery, pink shirt.

  "Yes, of course. Where should we meet?" He asked.

  "I told her where I was walking and why and he said he'll be there in five and so I waited.

  Just like he said, he was here in five minutes and I hopped into his car, smiling widely at him and he leaned in for a hug, which I gladly returned.

  "It's been so long," He sighed.

  "Yeah, it's been like what.. a year?" I ask, smiling widely. I was so happy to see him.

  "I guess it has been, you're the one who married someone crazy that has something against me being your friend," He laughed uncomfortably. 

  "You know that me and knew were never just friends," I frowned slightly, wishing we would work out. If it weren't for the contract. We would have.

  "We have natural chemistry," He said, winking at me and I found my self giggling.

  "Just drive already," I said, hitting him on the shoulder playfully.

  "Where to?" He asked. 

  Yeah, I forgot to tell him.

  "I don't know how you're going to feel about this, but I want some change," I told him, satisfied with my strong stand.

  "I guess I know right where I want to take you," he said, smirking at me.

  The drive wasn't as silent and awkward as I thought it would be. Zach filled me in what was happening lately and that he's still single after me, that part lead to a bit discomfort but I blocked it off by telling him my latest plans and what happened this morning.

  He tried to comfort me and tell me that it would be all right, but I knew better than that.

  We pulled into a small mall, that neither I nor Zach would ever think of shopping at, but I changed my mind as soon as we entered and he assured me that it will bring the best out of me and so I decided to listen to him and he lead the way.

  We entered a little shop called La Pouche, it was really small and there wasn't much choice in it. When I told Zach I wanted a change, I never really knew what kind of change I wanted for myself but I went along with it anyway.

  "Come here," he said, pulling me by my hand and placing a beige button up and some blue jeans that were faded here and there, they looked quite good, the shirt looked small though. I made him know that it wouldn't button up but he assured me to it and so I went and tried it on.

   "See, I told you the shirt is small," I said, looking at my chest that is about to jump out of it and my waist that was exposed didn't feel quite right under my tank top.

   "Wait," he said and walked in with me into the dressing room. I looked at him wide eyes as he pulled my white tank top that was under the button up, and tucked it inside the button up, exposing my belly button. He unbuttoned the first three buttons on my shirt and pulled my tank up, covering my chest fully. He grabbed my by my shoulder and turned me around.

 "What are you doing?" I asked, too shocked to even bother about what everything is all about.

 "Look at yourself, you look just like the Cassidy I met a year ago," he said smiling.

 I did, I really did. My low waist jeans and my careless buttoned up, cream shirt, My hair was out, messy and wild, I looked just like I remember my happy self and I didn't know I ever remembered a girl like this. The girl I used to me, I thought she died a long time ago.

 "I want to dye my hair," I said, looking back at him.

 "Sure,"

 I pulled my old clothes back on and purchased the new ones that Zach chose for me. There was a little parlor that I wasn't sure about either, I would rather pay more than get my hair destroyed, but Zach said that if it's expensive it doesn't mean it is better and so I decided to go and risk my hair.

 I was seated at one of the chairs at the parlor and my head was leaned back for the woman to wash it, she applied a lot of different shampoos, conditioners and hair sprays. It kind of freaked my out, but I tried to stay as calm as possible. 

 Later, she dried my hair and applied some green mouse into it, I not knowing what it was, freaked out a bit and she told me it was just the hair dye. I've never really dyed my hair and so I didn't know how or what color it was, was she dying my hair green?

 I had to trust Zachary's choice.

  After what seemed like forever, my hair was washed off of that green mouse and blow dried. She worked on my eyebrows and left me without the make up that I have applied back at home and I felt a little bit not myself, I felt exposed. It's like painting my face became a part of me. it became a part of my closure to darkness and now, I felt exposed.

  "Look at yourself," Zach said, standing right behind me and smiling, he turned my chair which I was still sitting on, to the mirror that was covering the wall from roof to floor and I gasped.

  My long, blonde locks were now brown and my eyes were covered with so much of amazement that I couldn't believe that the person in the mirror, was the person standing in front of it, the person that was me.

  Do you ever wonder, how anything can make you cry? Have yourself discovered? That the pain you feel is the pain that you deny? 

 It was the pain that I was denying for all those years just jumped right into my chest and it was ready to explode. I was ready to ball my eyes out right now. I couldn't believe it. I looked so free, so happy, I wanted to cry. I fought for years to look and feel this way and I didn't know that this moment would actually come.

  I turned to Zach with a huge grin on my face and hugged him tight. 

  "Wow, I wasn't expecting you to get all sensitive and all," he chucked, hugging me back. I brought my head back up from his chest and looked back up. Our lips were so close.

  I shook my head from all these thoughts. Jeremy. I am married to Jeremy. No more Zach.

  "Told you we had natural chemistry," he said, winking at me and I swatted his arm.

  "Zach, I just need one more little thing," I said looking up at him with hopeful eyes.

  "Don't give me that look, Cassidy," he scolded playfully and I smiled. I have been thinking about it since I have been in that dressing room and I know it is not that long but I have made my decision.

 "I want to get a tattoo," I said, looking at him, waiting for his reaction. He stopped walking and the coffee he was drinking was spat back to his cup withing seconds, his head was turned to my direction, looking at me with wide eyes.

 "Are you crazy?" he asked, whispering. Why was he whispering? It is not like I care what the people around us think of my sudden need, or more like desire.

  "You could say that, please? Please? I really want one, like really, really want one, so bad, like right now," I pleaded. His eyes softened slightly and he nodded. I could see that he wasn't happy about it, not one bit but he was good at keeping quiet. If it were Jeremy, he would yell at me and never stop.

  "Thank You," I said, meaning it. 

  "You know I would do anything for you, Cassidy," he mumbled, probably thinking I never heard what he said, but I did and that warmed up my heart, knowing that there will always be that someone who cares. I wish I could give him everything, just like he gives everything to me.

  I looked out of the one, not saying anything back just because simply I had nothing to say, just like I had nothing to give him. The streets turned dark and the sun was setting. The roads got dirtier and the houses turned into dirty, destroyed buildings.

  He parked at a lot, that seemed just like a deserted area. It looked like no body lived here anymore or everyone was simply attacked by some weird Zombie or something, I tried to push the thought away and focus on where he was taking me. I was slightly frightened.

  "Where are you taking me? Have you planned the murder already?" I asked, shivering. It was cold and I wasn't planning on walking for that long at this time of the day, one and two, I wasn't planning to stay out that late with Zach walking around a dead end street.

  "We are here," he sighed.

  I looked up at the sign board and it said The Tattooist, well I don't think this sounds like a bad idea. I haven't thought of what type of tattoo I wanted. I just wanted on on my lower back. It was easier for Jeremy. His chest was completely covered with ink. He had a wolf on his chest and strip design starting from his shoulder ending at his wrist. He had a rose on top of his belly button and well he had a few words and pictures scribbled with ink all over his chest.

  When we entered, there was a guy, probably aged nineteen or something. He looked quite at ease doing it, but the sound and the actions I see in front of me says otherwise.

  As soon as he was done, he looked at me and then Zach and asked, "What do you guys want?" 

  Zach looked pretty uncomfortable talking to him, but he knew that I wouldn't speak up anytime soon because the man looks a little bit scary and so he did for me.

  "She wants a tattoo," he said, his head turning to me. Well, that was short and umm... sweet.

  "I am Mark and I will be the one inking your skin for today, where and what kind of tattoo would you like?" he asked, smiling at me. 

  Okay, he doesn't seem that bad after all.

  "I don't know yet, actually. Do you have a catalog or something where i can look through those stuff?" I ask, slightly worried. Will it hurt? What if it gets infected? I'm scared.

  "Yeah we do," Mark said, I think he noticed the fact that I was scared and didn't push into me about it all and bombard me with questions. I cannot believe I am saying this, but he is kind of polite, very polite.

  He handed me a book full of different designs, words and pictures, even portraits could be tattooed. I was amazed, some were so beautiful, I couldn't even believe that a man like him could actually master something like that.

  There were so many choices, by the time I looked through the whole book thrice an hour has passed and I still chose nothing. It was getting darker and the man didn't seem to mind, Zachary was also being patient, but I on the other hand, was loosing my mind. Two men were standing in the middle of a tattoo shop waiting for me to choose something. 

  I stood up and said, "I want the word Faith inked into my lower back, left side. I want the word falling slightly to the right," I explained, writing it down on the paper, and showing him where and how I exactly wanted it.

  "Lay down here," he instructed me, pointing exactly where I should lay down and so I did as I was told to. I lifted the hem of my shirt up to my chest so that my back would be exposed and he could ink it. Zachary sat down on a chair next to me and held my hand, smiling. I gave him a nod, assuring him that I was all right.

  As soon as the gun touched my back, I clasped my mouth shut, but the pain did not help and I felt like screaming. I tightened my grip on Zach's hand and he looked much more worried than I have seen him ever before. I wanted to smile and tell him that I was okay but I couldn't. The sound wasn't helping, it all bothered me, but I stayed shut. I wanted this and I am going to get this.

  He was done after what felt like forever and since this was my first time he gave me some cleaner and told me how to use and when to remove the cloth covering the new tattoo. I listened carefully and thanked the man, paying him and leaving the shop.

  "You should come over for dinner," I said, getting in Jeremy's car as he closed the door. He walked around and sat inside, starting his car and pulling out of the parking lot. 

  "I don't know," he mumbled.

  "Why not? I would cook something nice and we would eat together and if Jeremy does not like me having one of my old friend's over then he can leave," I said, very serious with my words.

  "I am not old," he joked and I chuckled.

  "All right, I will come over," he said after a while. I think we were still far enough from my place, but it didn't matter. The drive was silent and pleasant.

  "How much more until we reach my place?" I asked, taking my phone out of my purse and scrolling through my Facebook news feed.

  "I think thirty minutes or so, is the pain gone?" he asked, referring tot he tattoo. Honestly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, or felt. It didn't hurt any more. It was just a little bit itchy.

  "Yes, it is," I mumbled, looking at my phone, a picture of my friend that I fought with a long time ago appeared and I looked at it with so much question and maybe, just maybe a little bit of disgust.

  "What is it?" Zach suddenly asked.

  "Huh? Whatever do you mean by that," I said, slightly confused at his question.

  "Your nose is scrunching up in disgust and you're looking at your phone weirdly," he said.

  "Oh, it's nothing, just an old friend of mine," I dismissed.

  "I hope you don't look at my pictures like that," he joked.

  "She's just, well I don't like her," I couldn't find anything sensible to say and so I blurted out what I had in mind of her for years and so, that is why we fought in the first place, because her attitude and the way she just was bothered me and it bothered her the fact, that I was being bothered by her and so happened the misunderstanding.

  "What is about her that you do not like?" he asked, more understanding than I could ever ask for.

  "I don't know, she just bothers me. Her eyes covered with lenses, making her eyes pop out in a scary way, her hair always dyed and fix to such perfection that it is dead. Her eye lids covered with disgusting whale fat, her exposing clothing and fake smile, a dimple that has been extracted, why do people do that?" I complained.

  "So basically she is fake," he suggested, putting it all into one word. well, that was simple. Why couldn't I say that in the first place?

  "Yeah, that's wht I meant," I huffed and he chuckled.

  He parked his car right next to Jeremy's and looked at me with a worried look, I smiled reassuringly and lead him inside. We walked up the stairs in silence and I opened the door, first thing, taking of my heels that hurt my leg so bad that I would probably be having blisters, and I pulled on my fluffy socks, gesturing Zach to sit at the table in the kitchen.

  I started chopping vegetables and Zachary offered me to help, I declined and made small conversation with him here and there whilst preparing the meal. I was making meat which first would be steamed with peach choose to give it sweetness and then added to water, followed by mashed potatoes and sweet pepper sauce. 

  For desert, I taught Zach how to close the Arabic sweet called Atari, he followed my instructions carefully and the table was set, including a plate for Jeremy as we were seated. Jeremy stormed out of that room and growled, "What is he doing here?"

  "He is my friend and I invited him over to dinner. This is my house too and I live here as well, if you do not like it you can leave," I knew that he will never leave me alone with a guy that he despises in our apartment and so he joined as on the table and ate his meal quietly.

  We had desert and I said my good byes to Zach, giving him a hug and making small conversation as he left the apartment.

  Jeremy stood behind me, fuming. His face was red and his fist was clenched together. I ignored the fact that he was staring at me like I did something wrong and told him that we would talk about it in the morning because I was too tired to sleep.

________

This chapter is dedicated to my wattpad bestie for the support and lovely comments and of course the votes<3 A shout out to her, she's working on this amazing story called 'Mrs.Fortune' she updates everyday in the evening or night and it is super interesting. If you guys want to read it, click on the external link or look for the link in the comments. The cover of her book is at the side > Also, go follow her because she is amazing! 

Go ahead, read, vote and comment on her story and here is chapter Eleven. Many of you tell me that you love my long notes at the beginning and want more at the ending, but I think it is a bit too long! 

Cassidy's tattoo is on the banner at the side, I hope you liked this chapter. It is longer than what I usually write!