[banner at the top is the cover made by curlingwands. dedicated to her cause she's an amazing person]

(March 16th, 2010)

When we reach home, I quickly change into my pajama shorts and tank top and lie in bed, opening the book I was assigned by our English professor for the year end exam ; Persuasion by Jane Austen.  

I take breaks in between texting Jeremy and reading because I'm getting bored of the book.. Classics aren't my thing.

Cassidy : Hey! I'm going to sleep for a little while, tired after all the Math I had to do for the exam. I'll wait for you to call once you're done tonight. Have fun at your farewell party x

Just as I place my phone on the charger, I notice my screen flashing with a missed call from Jeremy, which I must have missed because my phone was on silent.

Jeremy : I just called you, you didn't pick up? And I will have fun ;) I'll miss you so much :(

I smile at the sweet text and type another one out for him.

Cassidy : I'm sorry. I'm too tired to talk. Go and prepare for your party and again, have fun! I promise I'll pick up as soon as you get back.  

I click on the home button and then place my phone back to charge on my nightstand.

A notification pops up from facebook.

Hana Fredrick liked your profile picture.

I look through my news feed, then the ask.fm application to answer a few questions before I notice Jeremy's answer on my news feed.

Jeremy2344
Hana or Cassidy?
Gotta stick with my wife ;)  

He used to call me 'wife' before, until he started calling Hana that. His answer hurt my feelings and I made a note to talk to him about it later. I finally switch my phone off to stop it from distracting me and place it to charge for the umpteenth time now.

I wake up to the sound of my phone beeping again. I move my hand around the nightstand to find my phone and as soon as I do, I switch the flash on.

Darn.

I've overslept. I've slept for thirteen hours straight.  

I find the glass of water on my work desk and start drinking as I type in the password and open Whatsapp to view the messages that I've received.

Class 10 [2009-2010] – 156 messages
Acacia – 3 messages
Denis – 6 messages
Jeremy – 1 message

I quickly reply to all the messages, well as fast as I could, having to type with one thumb only.

As soon as I read Jeremy's message, the glass of water slips out of my hands.  

Jeremy : Hey Cassidy. I don't know how to tell you this... but, I'm dating Hana.

A small sob escapes my lips, then it turns into loud cries rocking my body. I slowly slide down to the floor and start picking up the shards of glass

Even the pain the glass caused cutting through my skin felt numb after the betrayal Jeremy just put me through.

My heart is sinking. I feel devastated. How could he do this to me? I really thought we were starting to work things out and no matter what, we'd always tell each other what's wrong. It's how we always did things.

I have this gut wrenching feeling inside of me. I've been used. I've been betrayed and used over and over like a damn plastic bag that no one actually needs but still keeps in one place just in case.

All I want to do now is stop the pain in my heart. It feels like someone is holding onto it and squeezing it so very slowly, drenching it in pain instead of the blood that flows through.

I can't stop crying. I'm crying when I throw the glass away and I am still crying when I wash the blood off of my foot. I am still crying when I wrapped it with some gauze and pull a fuzzy sock over it.

I didn't think Hana would do something like this. I wouldn't have thought for a second that she would take away someone who was already seeing someone else.  

Yes, I assumed she was constantly flirting with and always very touchy when it came to guys, but I never saw this coming.

I slowly sink back to my bed and cover myself up in all the blankets that I could find, to stop me from feeling the cold that the pain has brought me.

I feel destroyed, ruined, wrecked, ravaged, ransacked, demolished, flattened, annihilated, shocked, stunned... I just. I feel every single disgusting feeling a person could feel in this world.

I'm desperate at this point. I need to know if this is the truth. If this isn't some sort of prank that Jeremy or one of his friends is pulling on me.

Quickly throwing all the blankets off of me, I grab a tissue box and wipe my face. I pick up my phone from where I left it on the floor earlier and dial his number.

He picks up immediately.

He doesn't even seem fazed about it.

He talks to me animatedly about how amazing his night went and how Hana asked him out, from the dance to the programme. Everything. He rubs every single detail onto my face.  

It hurts me so much. It makes me feel that a person who causes one so much pain should be put in jail for such a crime. It should be illegal.

I hit the end call button as soon as I got tired of hearing him talk about his night like he wasn't hurting me. Is he really that oblivious? Or doesn't he really not care? After 11 months of being together, does he really not care?

This time, I don't even try to stop myself from crying. I cry nonstop, drifting to sleep every once in a while, before waking up every hour with realization hitting me on the face like a bucket of ice cold water.

After finally sulking it all up and dragging myself to the bathroom, I wrap my hair up into a quick bun and wash the tear stains off my face. My eyes are swollen and red. They are burning so much that it hurts to keep them open.

I have a good, long shower, small sobs escaping my mouth a couple of times, but I have a little pep talk with myself to try and hold it together, for myself. I'm doing all of this for myself.

I notice my mom standing by the door as soon as I am done changing. "What's wrong?" She asks, still standing where she is.

My mother isn't very good at expressing emotion. The last time we hugged was about eight years ago, when I was seven and I was crying about something I can't really remember now.  

"Nothing. I stayed up all night again, reading this book on my phone so my eyes really hurt and when I was washing my face, the face wash went into my eye and well..." I explain.

"Oh, all right. Did you get that face wash well?" She asks, her eyebrows furrowing. I don't think she bought it, or maybe she does. I can't quite tell as she searches my face while I am busy buttoning up my summer dress, trying to avoid eye contact.

"Yeah. Mom?" I call out to her when she turns around to walk out.  

"Yes, Cassidy?"

"Do you mind if I head down to the beach for a while? I could use some fresh air with all the exam stress and, well, yeah." I try to explain but I'm sure I fail miserably. However, I don't think she notices that because she simply nods. "Sure."

I don't take anything with me but a pair of sunglasses to cover my awfully swollen eyes. I mentally pat myself for being able to keep moving to the beach without shedding a tear.

That, however, doesn't mean that Jeremy ever leaves my mind.

And as I stand there, with my sandals in my hand and my feet in the water, by the shore of the ocean. I thought about the waves.  

They were just like people; they come, cover you in dirt and leave you slowly sinking into it, and then leave back to where they came from.

It amazed me how deep I fell for him; not as deep as the ocean, but as deep as a knife could pierce through your heart.