(May 27th, 2010)

  They call it depression. I call it war.

  Depression is not a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person's thoughts, behaviour, feelings, and sense of well being.

  Depression is not anything they tell you over the internet, or anything that makes you feel low, or anything that people talk about. Depression is not a choice of conversation between a person and another, there is no cure to it, but there is a way out.

  Depression doesn't mean feeling sad, or mad, or upset or being in a messed up mood. Depression is feeling nothing and when you feel nothing, it feels great. That is depression.

  Not feeling great, no. Feeling nothing that leads to feeling great is depression.

  Depression blocks any sorts of conversation and interactions with another person, it blocks your mind and thoughts, your feelings and behaviour. It is not a wall, but a river, a river that flows inside of you carrying that disease in your veins.

  Depression isolates you from humanity and makes you seem worthless to the human eyes. It makes you feel vurnable and is a suicidal tendency. It makes you feel alone, scared and helpless. Depression leads you to turn to drugs or pills to make you forget the pain for a while or maybe even forever.

  It makes you feel gross from all you ate and all you do is throw up. It turns your body against food and fills you up in bones, disgusts you from food.

  It is like a constant whisper that is inside of your head making you hurt yourself in order to feel or disrpt the pain that you fail.

  Depression is destruction.

  I know that it wasn't normal to think of depression whilst sitting in a biology class, but that is the only thing that could pass by my mind right now, I know that everything in my life wasn't as simple as I had expected it to be, but I wasn't expecting it to be that hard either.

  "Miss Valentines, were you listening?" my biology teacher asked.

  "I am sorry, I got slightly distracted," I mumbled, looking down shamefully.

  "All right, so I was saying, the small intestine is the site of the complete digestion of carbohydrates, proteins and fats. It receives the secretions of the liver and pancreas for this purpose. The food coming from the stomach is acidic and has to be made alkaline for the pancreatic enzymes to act. Bile juice from the liver accomplishes this in addition to acting on fats. Fats are present in the intestine in the form of large-"

  Our teacher was interrupted with our school leaders barging into the classroom, grinning like idiots for an announcement.

  "All students are to pack their bags and to be sent downstairs into the hall in ten minutes for the annual program," the tall one announced. I really couldn't remember their names.

  The annual program was performed every year before the summer vacation would start. People would be practicing for this show for about a month, every day on weekdays, we would stay an hour after school and practice, I was never really interested in those things but I went for choreography anyway. On Saturdays I had to wake up early to practice with the kids for three to four hours. It was exhausting, but I loved the kids I worked with and found myself warming up to them.

  I remember when I was little and burned my hands, my mom run to get some cold water instead of pulling me with her to the tap and I took that as a chance to upset my sister. I placed my hands slightly on her chest, left side just where her heart laid and said 'Ah, so nice and cold,' she only frowned but never said anything. I was about seven. I do not know why I did that, maybe it was the fact that I thought she never liked me because she always yelled at me whenever I tried to play dolls with her, or maybe it was something else. 

  There were many things in life that I never knew why I had done to hurt people and maybe that is why people hurt me without me doing anything wrong to them. Perhaps, it is Karma? I never really believed in it, but I did believe that what you do onto other, does onto you and it is true. 

  The whole class suddenly starts laughing at the teacher because of her fail to teach us the most important thing we needed for our final, are my classmates really that stupid or is it just me? I pushed the thought to the back of my mind and stood in the line of the girl chattering about how hot guys looked in their school uniforms. Don't they have anything else to talk about? I rolled my eyes at them and stood out the last, having no further intention in listening to what they had to say about guys wearing tight pants. Eww.

  "Hello Cassidy, it's been quite long," Acacia said from behind me, pushing her dyed brown hair behind her shoulder and smiling widely at me with her green braces showing, I smiled back and gave her a nod.

  I suddenly remembered all the days we have spent together. I remembered teh amount of tim we spent busy talking on the phone not caring about the world around as at all and never getting bored of each other. The way she wanted to find a job just like I did. I remembered the problems we used to discuss together and how we did almost everything together. We were stuck together, different poles, just like magnets. I never realized that Jeremy changed me so much and ruined out friendship together, but I tried to stay civil with her as much as I could. She's been always there and all I can do is avoid throwing my temper at her.

  "How have you been doing?" she asked, just as soon as we reached the staircase, taking slow steps since weren't allowed to run anywhere in school because it was apparently dangerous.

  "I'm all right, I guess. Yourself?" I asked, looking back at her and still found her smiling. I loved she was always happy and cheerful, it brought life to people. Sometimes, I never really thought that your ex-best friend's (now just friend) laugh or smile could cure you, it is indeed a medicine. 

  Laughter would always be the best medicine, silence will always be the best revenge and love will maybe, just maybe be always what you need and one day, when you finally have it and slips away, your left with nothing, because it sucks everything out of your well being.

  There are times when you realize that you cannot hug yourself and yourself, and cry on your own shoulder. It's all about living for one another and when you try to live with those who you think love you the most, they go on and betray you.

  "I am doing okay, I just really wanted to talk to you lately about something, but I didn't know if I could call you just like that," she said, frowning slightly. 

  I placed my hand on her shoulder and said, "If you need me, call me. Do not think twice about it. I don't care if I am sleeping, if I am having my own problems or if I am angry at you. If you really need me and you want to talk to me, I'll always be there for you. No matter how big or small your problem is, I will be there. I am not a therapist or anything, but I will be there and I will listen to you,"

  "Thank you so much, Cassidy. You have no idea how much this means to me," she mumbled, hugging me as we reached the last step and walked into the hall. 

  A few people spared us weird glances, but I simply shrugged them off.

  We stood at the end of the crowd, not wanting to fight where we sit. Honestly, it wouldn't be a problem if we were sitting on chairs, but that is the problem. We always sit on floors, no matter the program and so, that's why everyone grumbled and complained.

  Our principal would always complain on how noisy we were, well let him try and sit in a crowd full of teenagers trying to fight for space, or more like share it equally. Smaller people take more space and the larger people seemed to be squeezed together. It wasn't comfortable and it wasn't a nice sight either, but the teachers didn't seem to pay attention or maybe they acted like they didn't. That was beyond my concern.

  And so, that is why me and Acacia settled for the back seat, floor.. Yeah floor. As soon as we were seated, Hana and her friends joined us for some reason and many of them, started hanging with Hana. It was quite odd to me at first, but it was perhaps because her friend left this year and she had no one to hang out with. 

  Acacia has got to have someone with her and for some reason, this year, I just couldn't hang around with her and so she found someone else. I'm kind of glad that she was easy to make friends with, it made things much more easier and as long as she wasn't alone. I didn't feel guilty as much as I did, although I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I have. 

  By the time everyone was seated, our principal was pretty angry. I don't know what made him though, he was the one who made as sit on the floor along with the rest of the teachers. He would talk about our health all morning and make us sit on the floor now. He acted like he would know all about it, but if he would I don't think he would make us sit on the floor.

  Sitting on the floor would damages our kidneys years from now. everyone knows that the blood that flows through our lower body isn't as high in temperature as in the upper top of our body and sitting on the floor doesn't help it. Not one bit. 

  Thirty five minutes into everyone trying to settle down, thirty five minutes into a whole school of groaning teenagers and I see Jeremy coming down. He was asking Hana what song she wanted to be playing before the show and I suddenly remembered the song he dedicated to me, exactly a year ago at the same day, same time. 

  I looked down at my red dress that reached my mid thigh, followed by white slacks covering my legs. It was forced by our teach to wear such a hideous outfit for the school play. I was a part of the choir group and seemed very much interesting than anything else at that moment. 

  Jeremy was seated right across the hall, preparing the lights and sound effects for the program when he looked at me and I blushed. I don't know how long we were looking at each other, but on of my favorite teachers passed by, who knew about the both of us and said, "Don't look at each other like that. It's getting kind of very obvious," and I blushed for what seemed like the umpteenth time today and she gave me a knowing smile, before stomping of on her heels towards the staircase.

  He came up to me and smiled, "Hello," he said.

  "Hi," I mumbled, looking down, covering my face with my long blonde locks to hide the color of my cheeks.

  He took my hands in his and pulled me to his chest, I was so close to him, too close for my liking. I've never stood this close to a guy, but then again, Jeremy was always my first to everything. 

  "You look so beautiful today," he said, bring my hand to his lips and kissing it lightly. I blushed and then said, "Are you trying to tell me that I looked ugly yesterday?", tucking my hair behind my ear, I grin at his sudden loss of words and intertwine my fingers with his. We walk towards the staircase and into the Biology lab.

  "I will be here whilst you perform with your group. Do let me know if you need anything, Cassidy," he told me, his eyes shining with something that I couldn't quite place my finger on. 

  "I will," I mumbled quietly, still looking down.

  "Hey, don't put baby, it;'s not cute,"

  I turn around and get ready to leave, the program would be starting any minute now. As I reach the handle, I feel his arms wrapping around my waist, pulling me back to him. I tried to wiggle out of his grasp, but he only pulled me closer.

  It felt like life just got dead serious.

  "Jeremy,not now," I mumbled, still trying to get out of his embrace.

 "Why not?"

  "We are in school, no playing games here," I scold lightly.

  "Oh come, it's like monopoly, but physical," he whispered into my ear and my eyes widened, I hit him on his shoulder playfully and he scowled.

  "I don't spin the bottle, I tip in it," I whispered back, pulling him by the collar of his white shirt and winked at him.

  "I maybe will be your worst nightmare," He said, his eyes growing dark.

  "Maybe's don't always come true," I shrugged and walked out. I could hear him sigh in defeat and follow me.

  He held my hand throughout the entire time until I reached my group of friends and that made me frown. I remember my mother always telling me,'Darling, don't open your heart, it's a trap.'

  "There will be a song playing for you, right in front of everyone for all of them to know you're mine," I ignored the fact that he made me sound like a thing is was very possessed off and tried to focus on the excitement of him dedicating a song to me.

  It felt like it was a long time ago and kind of really was, it's been almost a year. I don't know how exactly i feel about it, but good isn't the word for it yet. I was really over him, it's the memories that I can't seem to delete and it hurts even more because they don't leave and maybe that's the whole point about pain, that's the thing about pain.

  Even though he couldn't find her the song, I think. He played mine, but it didn't mean anything right now. Nothing meant a thing right now. It's actually funny, how at the moment you think everything that means the world to you right now will remain the same way because your partner promised that.

  People always think of it when they talk about love.

  It's like bringing to life everything that once killed you and left you empty.It is remembering what the people have done to you. When people talk about love, they talk about  butterflies and fireworks, cuddles, love making and much more. They never tell you what happens when it is gone. It is like it never existed in the first place.

  They never tell you that with it comes pain, it burns in you like fire. It burns with you, in you, around you, and it is with you wherever. It doesn't bother you as much, but it is the worst of the painful, the most painful, because when you are alone and when you start thinking about just absolutely anything, it all just comes back to you. It's like a shot of glass being poured, or maybe even spilled onto you and it shocks you, just like it comes back, everything they ever did to you once come back, again. You never get out. There is no way out.

  Jeremy was the first person who broke my heart, for the rest of my life, he will be the one would hurt me the most, it will remain that way and I do not think I will ever forget that.

  Times when he spoke to me, which wasn't as often because I was always rude. Don't blame me, I just don't have a reason to be nice to him. He would ask me why I hated him and I would laugh. I would laugh my heart out and tell him that I don't hate him, I am just not exactly as excited as everyone else about his existence, really.

  When he was my only hope, I held to him like my life depended on him because it kind of did and it wasn't like I could change anything. I was desperate. I was desperate to find peace within myself, in my body, in my mind. 

  At the same time, it was like he sat on my shoulders, pulling back all the weight on. It was difficult to understand. I thought it was Redamancy. I was wrong.

  Redamancy is the act of loving the one who loves you, a love that is fully returned. This love was never returned and so it wasn't what I had always wanted it to be. 

  I was still young to think of things like that and it bothered me. It was like I were Juliet and there was no Romeo to begin with and without Romeo there is no story and there wouldn't be a death to me at the time that came for it to be. What was worse than suicide because of a love is being a prisoner of your won body and you never know how long you are trapped and Juliet wasn't trapped, she was gone, death came knocking at her door, but it not come to me. I refuse to give away my life, I'd rather be a prisoner of my own body, my own soul.

  I just hoped that one day I had the chance, the courage to run away from everything that once made me miserable, but every time I grab the time, the chance that I need all this time, I just happen to fail it. I never had the courage and I do not know if I ever will. 

  I was tired, not physically but mental and I wished I could sleep forever, but that will be done after death and so no amount of sleep could ever fix the kind of tired I felt. 

  As Hana and her friend sat in the same line as me and Acacia did, Acacia decided to take this as her cue to leave and seat next to them, I pushed all my questions away and decided to keep it off my mind for a while. I already have a lot on my plate.

  "Cassidy?" one of Hana's friends, named Alice, called out. They were all as friendly as Hana and they were dear to me, but I never found myself hanging out with them simply because I don't like to mix up batches. I would walk up to them at times and have a chit chat and would be nice to talk to them, their all cheerful and always happy. 

  "Yes?" I asked, returning her warm smile.

  "I was wondering which one would be right, or what's the difference between grey," she said stretching the E  and then continued, "and gray?" she asked, making the A sound.

  The girls behind her giggled and she turned back to them, sending them a death glare and said, "What I was really wondering!" which really made them laugh even more.

  I smiled slightly and explained, "It's grey, with and E, for English and gray, with and A, for American as far as I know"

  "Are you serious? I've been struggling with this since first grade and it is literally that easy? How about Canada?" she asked, her eyes popping in surprise and excitement, humor dancing in her irises.

  "Probably grehy," I joked and she laughed lightly, carefully so that the principal wouldn't hear us. That was one of the worst things about sitting in the back, okay maybe not one of the worse. It was the only worst thing about sitting at the back, all the authorities sat there and wasn't as great of a deal. Trust me, they noticed absolutely everyone's movement and heard everyone's whispers and so, it was not safe at all.

  The program was on about for so long, people from all the grades acting their hearts out and singing their lungs out. I must say the program is pretty interesting, but when you're sitting on the floor, you can't seem to manage to pay much attention because your butt starts hurting bad and when your butt hurts, everything hurts.

  When the whole show was over, I was more than just relieved. People were pushing like crazy and I had the urge to scream, Relax everyone! We are all mad here, it's not a competition.

  As soon as I reached my class, I sat next to one of my favorite people in class and not to mention, she's been my partner since the year started. She was one of the smartest people in class, but also she was one of the most interesting ones I'e ever met. She was quiet mostly all the time and how she was really concentrated on her work made me giggle sometimes. She could be serious and scold me playfully, but I loved her anyway. She was that type of friend that you would cherish and remember, even if you know that you're not going to meet her five years from now.

  Her name was Amelia, she had a small voice and long black hair which cascaded down her back in big waves. Her big, light brown eyes stood out more than anything. She was of medium height and her skin was a shade of lighter bronze, carrying an Indian nationality.

  I was studying in an International school, which explains the different nationalities surrounding this huge building known as our school. A lot were from India and they are the nicest people I have met. However the American here (including me) were sometimes very aggressive and violent of messed with, not all of us were, but mostly. The English were quiet and never interfered with anything, except Hana of course, she wasn't your typical kind. 

  I sat next to her, reading a novel I have been trying to finish all week but couldn't due to the crappy homework they kept on giving us that didn't even make sense. I come to school to study for seven hours or even more and you give me more work to do at home? Come on, the teachers are seriously wasting our time and those people who actually think that they are going to fail or are going to be less better than the ones who don't do it are seriously mistaken. A big no, no. 

  I was reading Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin after watching the movie. I found Mr. Darcy absolutely gorgeous and the words he spoke were fine. I fancied Elizabeth's reaction to everything whih lead to where they are, I just hoped there was more to such a fine story. Who wouldn't want a little bit more of Darcy?

  I was too concentrated in reading that I did not even notice my physics teacher entering class. Physics was one of my favorite classes and it wasn't because I liked the subject, actually it was quite the opposite, I hated it. The teacher however was always nice and kind, one problem though, she was too focused on teaching that she never notices me doing other work in her class and so I choose to read and do my extra homework in her class whilst she teaches and during our lunch break I borrow someone else's notebook and copy my physics notes, simple as that.

  I was reading the twelfth chapter where Elizabeth was writing to her mother, begging her to send the carriage for them to which Mrs. Bennet refused, when I was called out of class by some other student into my vice principal's office. That's really what I needed right now, please note my sarcasm.

  He wasn't a very friendly man, especially to us, the students, but it was a different case when it came to the teachers. No one really bothered in trying to be nice to him or follow the respect rule, including me and it seems like neither did he and so all the problems would become bigger problems instead of being solved. Going to the counsellor and being called to her office is so much more preferred, but the vice principal would do. 

  When I entered his office he had that smug smile on his face knowing that I would get in trouble. Unfortunately, whenever he tried it never really worked to get me into trouble because he didn't make much sense to anything and so my parents don't even bother to listen much. 

  "Miss Valentines, have a seat if you please," he said, still smiling smugly. I would pay anything to do something about that annoying smug smile, but I kept a neutral expression knowing he is doing that on purpose and gave him a short nod before sitting on the chair in front of his huge, light wooded desk. Made in China perhaps.

  "I have seen you walking to the side shop at the end of the street this morning, does you mother know you went there?" he asked. I couldn't understand how this could have to do with my education, but he never made sense anyway and so it was nothing new.

  "Yes, she does.." I trailed off, still trying to figure where he was going with this.

  "It is against the rules, to step your foot out of the school ground without my permission," he said and then continued, "I will have to call you father."

  "So what you're basically telling me that it is not allowed to go and buy yourself a bottle of water before school hours without your permission and you will be calling me father because of that?" I asked, looking at him stupidly. Is he really serious? That's just plain stupid.

  "Yes, that's exactly what I just said," he confirmed and I had to blink twice before I composed myself and then I stood up, placing my palms flat on his desk and said, "According to the ministry of education a school has no reason or excuse, whatsoever, to have control over a student before or after school hours outside the campus and as long as that land does not belong to you, I believe you are mistaken and about my father, you're going to call him and tell him that I went and bought a bottle of water before school started because I was thirsty and he is supposed to tell you what exactly?" I asked, raising my eyebrows expectantly at him.

  He was shut and I knew that he wouldn't be saying much anymore and so I pointed at the door, asking for permission to leave and he nodded letting me go off and I moved back to class in a much slower pace than when I left. 

  We had lunch break in about a minute and I wouldn't waste my time walking back to class and so I went down the stairs, making my way to the school cafeteria making sure to reach before anyone else. One good thing we had in this school were the fries. 

  This school made or ordered, I didn't really care one of the best fries and so, they were never left any. A lot of people in the crowd would squeeze through each other trying to grab the same thing and I would give up on it. I would rather stay hungry then get raped in a school crowd fighting for french fries.

  How unoriginal.

  I mean, would you really prefer dying in a school crowd like that? I would always prefer something more interesting like maybe jumping after a stranger into the ocean to save them from drowning whilst knowing that you do not know how to swim because you suddenly decide that it is either the both of you who have to survive or the both of you who have to die. 

  Or maybe even dying in a Tsunami or an earthquake, natural disasters  are always original and maybe it's a little bit scary, okay so scary, but at least you while dying in something sensible and not because of french fries.

  Anyway, skip that point. Just when I reached the cafeteria that covered half of the school's biggest room, the bell rang and every one just ran into the poor man standing behind the counter. His eyes widened, he never gets used to the fact that people attack him for food. He wouldn't really know how hungry students get since he is always sitting behind a counter full of food to the left and to the right.

  I was third in line and it didn't seem that bad, I bought my fries and munched on them whilst walking back upstairs and into the class room. I grabbed my book and continued reading chapter twelve just right where I stopped after my little interruption of non sense. 

  I continued reading and munching on my fries until the bell rang and that would be usually how I spend my days at school. It wasn't anything fun or interesting, just plain and boring right the way school should be. I used to hang out with Jeremy during lunch break before and ditch my friends for him and I don't blame them and so I don't try to interfere in their new groups, because I destroyed my own.

  The rest of the day passed on like any other day. I made small talk with Amelia here and there and completed all the notes I hadn't, including my homework and I gave away the work I had to submit. Finishing off with the rest of things, I packed my bag silently after the school bell rang and started walking home.

  When I reached home, I greeted everyone, my mom and sister. Dad was at work and he would be late as usual. I stripped off my annoying and itchy school uniform and pulled on my blue shorts and a black tank. 

  "Cassidy!" my mother called from across four rooms. She is lucky I heard her. She would always do that, she would call me from across the room and then get angry that I wouldn't here her.

  "Coming!" I called out and walked out of my room and into the kitchen. She pushed a plate into me with so much force that it broke right in my hand, the glass entering three of my fingers and I winced in pain, looking at whole situation not knowing exactly what to do.

  "Go wash you hands of properly and come back to set the table," she said.

  I was kind of expecting an apology but brushed her rudeness off and went to the bathroom pulling out the box full of different colored bandages. 

  I wrapped all my three fingers after they stopped bleeding in red, blue and yellow. I looked like a drug addict with wrapped fingers in colors, but I pushed teh silly thought away and helped my mother set teh table. 

________

I am going to make this short and sweet :) For those who are still reading this book, I would really like to thank you for giving it a chance and a huge thank you to BeYOUtiful333 for the amazing cover she made that I have updated a while ago and also thank you to IbrahimMohammed795 for the amazing banner at the side. 

I also wanted to ask you people for your instagram IDs, I would love to know what my readers are up to :3 I really hoped you liked this chapter, again, thank you for giving this book a chance and please comment, vote, and fan. Have a nice day/night <3 :)Xx