(March 20th, 2010)

It's been four or maybe even five, I lost track of time, days since Jeremy sent me that text a little over midnight. It's been four to five days of crying myself to sleep and I think I can officially tell people that I'm over him, even though I'm not.

I was hoping that it would convince myself eventually that I am over him, that I deserved better than this and that I was too good to be treated like crap by him. But that's not how I felt and that's not the way I was going to feel anytime soon.

All I had to do was tell people that I am so over him, like 'A Harry Potter series and a tub of ice cream later' kind of over him. If that even makes any sense? I don't know about you, but to me. It does.

Maybe that wasn't the best way to describe everything around me, but c'est la vie and well, I don't think I'll be able to do anything about it anytime soon. I mean, that's just how things are.

You see? I just realized that there wasn't much sense in being with him anyway, I guess. It was a Thursday and just like any other day, I was stuck at home.

It's been quite a while since I have played my guitar and wrote some lyrics, and let me say I am surprised I haven't lost my skills. Well, how do you expect me to work on my things when the only thing that's on my mind is a big huge bowl of chocolate chip cookies or maybe a good subway sandwich or even better, somebody dead. Well, maybe you can disregard the last option.

I pulled the guitar closer to my chest and started playing;

I can see it from the spark in your eyes,
You believe in all the things you deny.
You wanna fly,
And leave your worries behind...
Don' you?
Don' you?'

And I stopped for a while to write those lyrics down. Sometimes I found making music kind of tiring, sometimes, like now. I don't know why, but times like today I make myself do it to get my mind of things and that's what bothers me.

Self-destruction.

I fear being left alone with my thoughts, my negative thoughts that have the biggest impact on my life because mostly, everywhere I go is where my thoughts take me and if I am always as negative as I am it leads to self-destruction, self-destruction and confinement and those were my two biggest fears, my only fears.

I put my guitar back into it's case and placed it next to my nightstand and sat cross-legged on my bed, picking on my grey sweatpants and thinking about how I will be spending my weekend.

Hmmm. Sleep. Eat. Watch Lost. Sleep. Watch The Walking Dead. Eat. Sleep.

The problem was that whatever it was that I tried to think about my mind always ended up on Jeremy. I seemed to be in a very good mood today, maybe he must have died?

Oops. I'm not supposed to think of people in such a way. Although, I think I had a right when it came to Jeremy Fernandes because (a) you don't really break a person's heart and then ask them if they're okay and to top it all off with a cherry on top, you ask them if they're okay (b) cheat on people for absolutely no reason and (c) Well, I don't think I really need a third reason for him to be dead, honestly.

It's his arrogant words and attitude that makes you feel like you want to kill him, I mean you don't just walk around saying 'Oh my god, look at me! I work out. I am so hot I can burn the sun. My six pack is completely out of this world and my voice is so damn good. I'm a very perverted dude who shags girls. Wait a minute... Is that my mate I smell? Hmmm.' Okay, he's not exactly like that, but he likes to brag and sometimes, no. It just gets tiring listening to someone brag about their body all the time. There's so much there things to talk about to people.

I was in a flower shop with my mom right now, she needed my 'opinion' on the flowers she'll be choosing for my sister's birthday party. Honestly, I don't know why she just couldn't ask her what she wants since this is not a surprise party anyway and I don't see why couldn't she go with her or my mother alone.

She had to drag me out of bed and make me change out of my sweatpants and dad's t-shirt, which I, being the person I was these day, changed into a new pair of sweatpants and this time, my own shirt.

"Cass, baby how are you?" My aunt, Marilyn asked. Her hands on my shoulders, pulling me into a bone crashing hug.

"I'm doing all right, and yourse-" she cut me off right before I could finish asking her how she herself was doing. Her bubbly personality always got in the way and at first it never bothered me, I was all cool, but now a days, I just can't stand it and I don't know if I became a bad person or she became annoying-er.

"Look at you, you've grown so tall. Oh you're chest seems really flat, but don't you worry about it, I had the same problem when I was your age, trust me It'll all grow and you wouldn't have anything to worry about, love." she said, smiling sweetly, to sweetly whilst patting me on the shoulder and narrowing her eyes at my mom as if it were her fault.

I don't know how my size could even be considered a flat, but I tried to ignore her comments as much as I could and sent her the same sweet smile she did, but only sweeter hoping it would annoy her. She didn't even notice.

"Aunt Marilyn, my chest isn't flat-" and she decided to cut me off all over again.

"Oh sweet heart! There's nothing to worry about, trust me! Don't be shy, show off that body," she said, winking at me. I sighed. This was going to be a long, long two hours.

This is usually how our conversation works. She asks me something and she answers it herself and as long as she is satisfied no one really gives a darn.

She's fancies my sister way to much to notice me, but I don't mind. I was never one to like attention. I must admit though, I loved gifts, but now, I wasn't expecting much from Aunt Marilyn when it came to that.

On Olivia's (my sister's) seventh birthday she got a pretty, and big doll house and I got gloves. On her thirteenth birthday she got a laptop from aunt Marilyn and I got gloves. On her sixteenth birthday she got a brand new phone from her and guess what did I get? Of course.

I. Got. Gloves.

I even had a little red box at the back of my shelves which held all of the gloves she's given me over the years. I had each one of them labeled on which year she's given them to me, just to add the humor to it.

We spent the whole day looking for the right flowers that Olivia would like. Finally, we found the right ones, which sadly were white roses. I never liked flowers, but I hated roses the most. They just all have this sweet smell and I hated it when things smelled sweet. I loved something wild, new and interesting and roses were definitely not it.

It was different for my mother and my sister, it was all about elegance. I didn't say anything about it because a) It's not my birthday so it's not exactly my problem, all I had to do was stand there with a caked face and smile all day, b) I, like always, never really cared what was happening as long as everyone around me is happy.

We ordered a dozen of those roses and went back home to make sure that everything was ready for the party. My mother made sure that all the people we hired to cook, knew what to do and I made sure the staff took care of the first floor and the outside garden, including the pool.

It was not a pool party, as I said, it's all about elegance and I think, that was the only reason we had a pool in the first place.

My mother made sure all of our dresses were ready. I would be wearing a black dress that reached just two inches above my knees and was strapless. It hugged my upper body perfectly and flared from my waste making me look skinnier and up to the mark, just like my mother and Olivia would want me to look.

Mother's dress was a long, sleeveless, scarlet dress that hugged her small waist and Olivia would be wearing a red, body hugging dress that reached her mid-thigh and had a big bow at the side of her waist.

And with that, everything was ready for tomorrow's party.

What I did not know was that Jeremy was coming, thanks to Olivia of course. She must have invited him over, thinking I would be happy about it. What she didn't know was that me and Jeremy didn't even speak anymore.

I did not mind having him here at all, though.

But I would definitely not be the one to keep him company if he had no one else to be with, but I am sure, a guy like him will never end up alone by the end of the night.
__________

Picture of Aunt Marilyn at the side :)

Today's song is Sarcastic Singing by Lucy Hale!

I just wanted you to know that this chapter is dedicated to Khadija Petladi and also, could you guys do me a small little favor and click on the external link and vote on the entry? I have entered this competition and I really want to win this. Thank You and I love you all for reading Divorce, comment below and let me know what you think of it, also don't forget to vote<3

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