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(January 27th, 2025)

C'est la vie.

This is life. The only three to four words that I can think of now that could describe everything.

Honestly, I really don't know how I ended up here, sipping my black coffee from the most expensive china in the world, as I watched my husband put the killing thing between his teeth in the balcony.

He's handsome, very handsome. He stood there; tall and confident, his front facing me as he leans on the bars with his elbows holding his weight. He was rather skinny, but muscular. He used to brag about his perfect body for years and, he always made sure that no one else was ever confident about theirs. His black hair was cut short and it suited his bronze skin perfectly. His big brown eyes, were of a very dark shade, slightly popping out of his sockets. It was like watching molten chocolate in every flavor. His lips were dark, full, and inviting. His nose; small and pointy while his hands were large and rough, but felt soft under my skin. He was such a tease.

Looking into his eyes, all I could see was the love that was once mine. That love was now incomplete as we struggled to be civil with each other. Jeremy was a very good liar, but his facial expressions always betrayed his intentions.

I could see it in his eyes. He didnt love me anymore but he forced himself to for reasons no one but him would ever know. He's no longer alive with me. The fire in his eyes, that he once had, had been put out. It was like a part of him needed to be somewhere else, with somebody else.

Remembering how he used to look at me, with so much love and care, the likes of which no one could compare to, was so difficult. He used to spend every waking moment with me. But now, that love was fading to non-existence. He needed something more, something that I didn't have or can't give him.

We had two kids, two kids of profound character, and of magnificent beauty; Dave and Lisa. They had my eyes and facial features. Lisa had my blonde hair, while Daves was black, matching his father's, both with the same beautiful bronze skin.

A lot of people criticized our relationship over the years because Jeremy was Brazilian and I was American. It wasn't something my family accepted, but we worked to not give it any thought.

My father would always tell me not to trust anybody. He would tell me; a girl is like a shard of glass, if it breaks into smaller fragments, you can't piece her together again.

I was shattered and Jeremy could no longer piece me together.

When I looked at Jeremy, I saw so much of my past and the way I loved him and made everything possible for us to be happy. I remembered our school days and thought about how happy we were, but, even then, I knew it would never last.

I still remember the day he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was the 26th of May. He called me at three in the morning.

"Hey, are we ever going to get married?", he had asked me, a hint of laughter in his voice.

It was an easy joke that the students in his 'clique' used to crack, making fun of us and how we always acted like a married couple.

"Jeremy, go back to sleep", I had told him, too tired to comprehend his idiocy.

Then he called me back at five in the morning.

"If you won't marry me, would you be my girlfriend?", he had asked me.

To say that I was shocked was an understatement. It was the last thing in this world that I had expected him to ask me. I didn't even like him then.

But leaving that thought behind, I told him that I'd love to be his girl. He then let out a loud "Yes", the type of 'yes' a guy lets out when his favorite football team scores.

We talked a bit more about random things until I fell asleep. I woke up in the morning with my cell phone stuck to my cheek.

Then by the time I made breakfast and ate he called me back again and was trying to figure out which nickname would suit me better.

"Which one? Honey or babe?", he had asked me.

Honestly, I never really cared about the nicknames or him, so I told him that he couldn't expect too much from me because I had never been in a relationship before.

We were together for a month and three weeks before we broke up for the first time. My mother had found out and decided that I was too young to date. She made me break up with him. At that time, he was so focused on me leaving him that he didn't hear me tell him that we could work things out later.

He spent that whole summer away; I hadn't seen nor heard from him. When things finally settled down with my mom, I sent him a text.

School started the following fall and we went back to our normal couple status . What I didn't know was that he was getting closer to my best friend, Acacia and also Hana; some new girl from his group.

We would sneak out during classes and our time spent together seemed to be infinite. I started falling for him; he never knew that of course. Not until later.

I dropped hints sometimes; shameless flirting, cute texting and even some innocent physical contact, like the brushing of our legs or placing my hand on his chest.

We dated for another three months, but it was different the second time around. He was always distracted with other girls, especially Acacia and Hana. Most of the time he would ignore me and speak to the rest of the school's female population. I didn't know how long I could endure the feelings that I felt.

At first it would just sting but then it turned into something worse. It turned into tears, yelling and a broken heart. At the time, I didn't know what was worse, the fact that I was damaged or that he was.

It was almost as if he had said, "Cassidy, I'm going to shoot you right now and the bullet will go straight through your heart, but it won't hurt for long."

And it felt like I had agreed to it.

There was a moment where I made him choose between me and one of his friends. A friend that I had a past with and someone that I didn't want to be a part of my life anymore. His friend didn't even consider Jeremy to be his friend, or a "bro" as the boys would refer to each other.

Now, I've spent ten years of my life with Jeremy and my happiness is still doubtful. It's not that I didnt love him or anything. It's just not the same anymore. I just didnt feel the same about him anymore.

I can say one thing for sure when it comes to experience with Jeremy; when boys/guys date, they have three different dating styles and those styles aren't very satisfying to the female population.

One, would be when he would love you once, forever and never let you go. Marry you and stay with you through thick and thin.

Two, he would be faithful to you but only to treat you like a trophy. A man won't back down if he has a trophy in his hands, even if that trophy is a woman. It's the material things, ladies. It's always the material things when it comes to men.

Three, is the most dreaded category of all. This is when he is dating six girls, breaking up with two and in the process of it all, asking you out. He's not monogamous, nor does he intend to ever be.

When I learned of Jeremy's surname and the type of family he came from, I immediately figured how this was all going to end. He fit perfectly into the second category of dating styles. But I refused to back down, I wanted him and I was going to get him.

"Cassidy, I love you, but I don't want to hurt you." That's what he would tell me. Now, I'm sure it wasn't to console me, but to hurt me even more. And I let him do it.

Jeremy's not a woman so he wouldn't understand how I felt or still feel. It was nice of him to make me fall head over heels for him, but the problem was that my eyes were closed and he played me.

Soon enough he realized that he screwed up and he came back like a little child, crying for his Christmas gift. But crying didn't really fix the damage he had done. It wasn't days or weeks, but it was soon enough. The irony of the situation got the best of him and, he wasn't able to apologize. I didn't blame him though. He basically tore my heart open and then comes back with some excuse about needing me. Leaving without a reason didn't give him the right to come back with an excuse.

After spending my whole ninth grade year with him, I finally realized the kind of a person he really was on the night of his farewell party...

The night he broke my heart.

The pang in my heart felt like I was shot. It was funny because, for some people it was one of the best nights of their lives and for some, it was the worst.

People ask me why I let him back in? Why did I forgive him after all that he'd done? How could I live with him? The truth, I couldn't live without him.

Every time I looked at him, I realized that I'll never forget all the bad nor will I forget the good. Sadly, in my mind, the bad always weighs more than the good. So I answer with; I don't. I don't live with it, I just breathe.

People think it's hard to be around him after all that he's done. But they don't understand that what's even more unbearable is not having him around at all. He wasn't someone that I needed. He was just someone I got used to and refuse to try something new or rather, someone new.

"Cassidy, love. Go make me some coffee. The usual please," he whispered in my ear, making me jump off of the armchair in our living room that I was resting on for a while. Placing my hand on my chest, I break off all my thoughts and try to calm my racing heart.

"Sure, honey," I mumbled. He chuckled a little bit and wrapped his arms around me. I pulled away slowly and turn around, facing him. He wore a seductive smile on his face and his eyes had a glimpse of mischief. I pecked him on the lips and walked off to the kitchen to make his coffee.

Sometimes, like right now, it isn't that hard being around him.

Everything he's ever done just comes back to me in flashbacks and I just sit there or lie on my bed thinking about it all. I tell myself it's time that I'm wasting, but it seems like I, myself, just don't get it.

I open the cupboard, grab a saucer and a coffee cup and place it on a small glass tray. To Jeremy, life without coffee is not worth living. He thinks that coffee is humanity's most important source of caffeine, which is basically necessary to get out of bed. He says , "Fresh coffee is preferable of course, however an instant could also do, as long as you know you can do it right."

It was that important to him.

I place the world's top ranked antioxidant; coffee, in a cup and boil some water in an electric kettle and wait for the water to stop simmering. Waiting for the coffee to start dissolving, I stir until the instant coffee is dissolved and place his favorite strawberry flavor on the coffee table next to him.

Life truly is easy and unpredictable, it's sad that we are the ones who make it complicated.