(8th of April, 2017)

The air surrounding you seems to become colder. Everything you've ever worked and wished for seems to be slipping out of your hands when something you never wanted to happen to you, actually happens. All the air inside of your body's system seems to be knocked out and your grabbing onto something to keep yourself on your feet, begging your system to co-operate with you, just too stand a little bit longer for the sake of it but that doesn't work out.

Wide, red and puffed, swollen eyes stared back at me at the mirror. I don't know how long I stood there, looking at myself, dreading my reflected expression. I stood in the middle of my plain, white and navy blue patterned bathroom, holding the stick that I never thought I would hold in my hand. 

Because nothing happening as of now, was ever a part of my plan.

Positive.

This word will remain looking back at me at the deepest parts of my mind. I let out a dry cry as the memories of this very similar situation hit me.

I felt like a high school girl who got knocked up and found out about her pregnancy three months later. The difference here was that, I wasn't in high school anymore, I was a married woman and I found out about my pregnancy after only god knows how long which made me embarrassed of myself because this wasn't the first time.

I roughly wiped of the tears that were streaming down my cheeks and lowered myself on the toilet seat and repeatedly ran a hand through my hair. 

You got this.

I wasn't ready to be a mother, not after what's happened the last time. My eyes traveled down to the bottle of birth control pills that stood on the shelve by the sink.

.

  How could something so small slip my mind? What happens to time? What happens to my job? What happens to my life after having a baby? None of the questions, I could answer. I realized then and there, that the more answers I get, the more I would have to ask and there are just something that I would like to leave unanswered.

  One thing that I knew was that I couldn't go through this once again. I won't be able to handle something like that again.

     Looking at my reflection, I realized that I was losing sight of who I was. I was loosing sight of who I used to be.

   It didn't feel like there was something growing inside of me, more like a part of me, combined with a part of Jeremy that can lead to no good and as much as I didn't want to think of it the way I did. I just couldn't form anything positive about it anymore. It's like that part of my mind, that produces all the positive thoughts, was blocked.

   I didn't know what I was doing, but the only thing that seemed right was to call Acacia.

   As I picked up my phone, that was on the shelf above the sink and dialed her number.

   "Cass? Are you okay?"

   "I'm.. I don't know. C-can you come over?" I asked, sobbing.

   "If it's Jeremy again, I swear to god, Cassidy. I will kick him where the sun doesn't shine whether you like it or not. I will do it."

   "No, it's more like. What he did, again and again. Just come over."

   It didn't take her long to reach. She came in stumbling through my door a wreck. Her hair was sticking out into different directions. Her usually black lined eyes were red and puffy, it made me wonder if she spent the night crying and killed my insides to know the reason, to help her. It didn't help my situation that she was still in her Hello Kitty pajamas.

   "What's wrong?" She asked. I looked at her once, twice, and there was no thrice for I snapped out of my daze and spoke up, "The award winning question right now is, what in the world is wrong with you?"

   "You don't exactly wake up in the morning looking perfect, especially at five in the morning," she said, grumbling and exasperating. Her hands were thrown at her sides and her long legs were sprawled on my fluffy carpet as she sat on one of the bean bags in the middle of my living room.

   "Let me play your game now," she muttered, smiling slightly.

   "Huh?" I asked, raising an eyebrow and plopping on the bean bag that was right in front of the one she sat on. Crossing my legs, I faced her. 

   "Today, I will be the therapist. I will be playing your role. Now tell me, what's got your butt at five in the morning that you had me crossing streets to reach here?"

   Instead of replying to her question that got chills running down my spine. I stood up and got my test that I've left on the bathroom sink. Walking back into the living room, I faced Acacia and tried my best not to burst into another fit of useless tears that would get me no where.

   The thing one must understand about me by now, is that I am a deeply emotional person. I do not take any situation lightly, and it is a miracle I don't burst into hysterics as often as I think I should have in situations like these. On the other hand, it was always easier to handle my patients when I know what it feels like. 

   When I know that it is okay to feel like that.

   I threw the white stick into the air and it flopped right into Acacia's hands. 

   "What's up with that? Up for football?" She laughed. That was until she looked down at the test and her eyes widened, like the ones of a fish. I knew if I didn't say anything right then and there, then I knew her eyes might pop out of their sockets, leaving nothing behind.

   Dreading the silence that was overlapping our usual chaos, I started chewing on my lip and fumbling with my fingers. There was nothing that I had to say. I didn't know what to say and certainly, it looked like she didn't as well.

   It felt like it were hours until she spoke up, "Okay."

   "Okay?"

   "Yeah, okay," she replied. I looked at her from every angle possible, trying  to figure out what was going on in that head of her. But unfortunately, I failed. I always failed to know what Acacia was like inside.

   Her long dark hair, that was dyed in different shades of brown I never knew names of. Her big dark eyes, stood out, never carrying any emotion but sadness and happiness. It was the type of sadness where you knew she was upset, but it dropped of as nothing. It was that type of happiness where you could see it in her eyes, in her smile, and in her life. But it was never that type of happiness that lasted forever and I think right now, right now she was in the middle of this sadness and happiness. She was on the line, on her way to one of them and the fact that I didn't know where she was headed to, was destroying me.

   "You're a married woman, did you really think you won't have kids eventually?" She asked, covering her mouth with her hand, trying to stifle a yawn.

   "I just, I didn't want any. This is all so messed up. I can bring another member to this family and its mess. Think about the child's life! What would it be like?"

   "I can see where you're coming from. But it happened, it's not like you can do anything about it now," she stated, like it was the most obvious thing in the world and trust me, it was.

   "Open adoption?"

   "What? Are you serious? What are you? Sixteen?"

   "No, just being stupid. I don't know what do to," I mumbled, looking down.

   "Nothing. You don't have to do anything. Just be yourself, take care of yourself. Don't stress over anything, it's not good for the baby and finally, of course. You have to tell Jeremy and start making plans in that extra guest room of yours after you know who the baby is," she grinned, throwing her hands up.

   "Tell Jeremy? No way."

***

   The sensation was pleasant, but bothering at the same time. It wasn't something a sleeping mind could describe. Something soft was going through my next, I let out a moan and fluttered my eyes open.

   "Morning beautiful," Jeremy said, nibbling my ear.

   "Go to hell," I grunted, trying to turn around, but his weight on me made it difficult.

   "Is it a girl or a boy?" 

   At that, my eyes snapped open and I sat up straight, making Jeremy fall off bed. I blinked once, twice, thrice. I wanted to pretend like he didn't just ask me that. I wanted to pretend this all was just a nightmare like the rest of my life is, but I knew luck wasn't on my side. 

   That's just how it was for humans.

   What makes us humans?

   It's what makes us human, that differentiates us from machines. It is the beat of our heart to the battery of their cell. It is the beauty between a living and a non living. It is that line that draws the space between us and that space between us was air.

   The air being knocked out of my lungs, I grabbed onto the nightstand and desperately started gasping and clenching onto everything I saw.

  My vision was blocking black at the sides and all I could see was Jeremy rushing out of the room to get something, I tried to get the air out, tried to inhale more, it was more than just drowning. It was worse. 

   Nothing was what I could see, I only felt a thick opening being placed into my mouth and suddenly the air filled me back in, I inhaled everything I could, scared for it to leave. Inhaling as much as I can, I burst out coughing.

   I looked up at Jeremy who was on the verge of crying and my eyes darted to the inhalator that was in his hands.

   "Thank You," I said, my voice hoarse and rough.

   "I was scared I would..."

   "Don't."

   "Okay, I love you."

   Maybe numbness will always be the worst feeling that would ever pass through a human being, because it was the final nail in the coffin. But I think, that the scariest feeling would be love. You know when you're sad and you can't control yourself when you are mad. You're bouncy, you're as happy as a flat English pancake on a Friday morning when you are happy and excited. But when you are in love, you are always scared. It's scary how you can fall any minute and then nothing.

   Love is scary. It has no security. It self destructs.

   "How did you find out?" I asked, trying to calm all the nerves that were clamping my throat, refusing to let me breathe.

   "I saw the test in the trash this morning, you have no idea how happy I am."

   "Aha," was all I could manage to bring out of my numb condition.

   This wasn't going exactly the way I planned it to, nothing was.

   The whole point in all of this, and everything that happened in my life since Jeremy, is keeping everything away from him. Because everywhere he went he just... just happened. It was like when you see someone fall, so unexpected, just happens. When you scream in shock, pain, or pleasure, it just happens. There is no theoretical reason to it. Jeremy happens. He happens. He always will happen.

   He was a designer to my own catastrophe.

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I am so sorry for the late update, I've gotten pretty busy and actually failed in math, don't know what to do anymore :/

I hope you've liked this chapter and be prepared for the ending, there isn't much of Jeremy and Cassidy left.

Please leave a vote and a comment, tell me what you think about this and possibly fan me? Thank You x