(March 18th, 2010)

  Life is round.

  You're stuck between living and dying (energy). So in a way, we're dead. We're all dead souls. We're not alive, just breathing and what makes you think that breathing proves you're not dead? Can't you see it? Our soul is being killed by our mind and our mind is affected by our thoughts and our thoughts treat us the same way we allow the people to treat us.

  It never really dawned me how thoughts like these passed through my mind.

  I opened my eyes, groaning. Slowly, reality hit me. It's been two to three days since Jeremy sent me that text. I don't know how I feel and I don't know why, was it because of (a) what he did to me or (b) because they both betrayed me at a single second difference. I don't know. I slowly got out off bed and dragged myself to the bathroom.

  A small gasp escaped my lips when I saw the reflected image of me in the mirror. My skin was so pale, I could pass the snow. My hair stuck out in different directions stubbornly and my eyes carried big, black, and heavy bags under them.

  I looked exactly how I felt from the inside... devastated.

  My vision was blurred by the tears that had the urge to escape but I refused to let them down. I refused to cry over such a thing again. I refuse to cry and hide. What was done is already done and I can't do anything about it.

  My hair refused to listen to me in anyway and so I decided to just clip the bangs up which also didn't work and I gave up on it, leaving it open, sticking into different directions.

  I pulled on my school uniform and shoes, leaving my glasses behind, seeing no point in getting them anyway. What was there to look at? How cruel the world can be? Ha. I think all of us know that now.

  When I reached school the usual scene and environment welcomed me, but this time it wasn't something pleasant or something that would make me smile like it always did. There wasn't that someone who would greet me with a hug and a peck on my lips.

  It was something that broke me even more of what was left. It shattered me to the pieces that I thought could never be shattered. It shattered me into the pieces that were left, left by him for me.

  It's like the air was knocked out of me and I just had to sit and watch the others breathe. It was like drowning and watching or even feeling everyone around you just laughing.

  It's like my heart was being squeezed and drained out in his hands, Jeremy's hands.

  He was with Hana. Her head lay on his shoulder as they sat, reading something together and then laughing about it. His hand was around his shoulder. The thumb pointing out, holding her like he used to hold onto me.

  He then turned around and said;

  "Hey"

  "I never really understood you. It's like you never really knew me. I feel like you're some random stranger these days," I don't know why I said that, I just knew that I had to get everything that I have felt for the past three day out of my system.

  He just stared at me with a blank expression, eyes cold and dark and so I took it as a sign to continue my little.. whatever it is that I wanted to say.

  "Are you pretending to be so careless and forgetful and know nothing at all or did you actually become like this?" I questioned.

  "Option number three. I have no clue. All right, crap why are you sad?" he mumbled, his eyes flashing with an emotion I couldn't quiet place my finger on.

  I haven't even given him a third option, but I decided to let it slip by because he really did lack a few brain cells and it really wasn't my job to explain things to him right now, but I thought of telling him anyway. 

  "You were never like this. I don't know what happened to you. I honestly don't know," I offered him no hints in my words. He was an arse and that would be the world's number one understatement. He must have underestimated who he was dealing with. 

  No matter how hurt I was, I wouldn't hide it. I will carry it with me, on my shoulders and I will get rid of it, of all the memories whenever I will be able to let go and I am sure, that maybe even if it years from now. I will do it. I am strong enough to do it.

  "Neither do I, Cassidy. Wait. So, how was I like before?" Oh he had the actual nerve to ask me that. It's funny how a part of me still loves him after everything he has done and the other, cannot stand his living existence.

  "Do you really want to know?" I asked, eyeing him suspiciously. He might just as well eb wasting my time of extra studying for my exam which I was never prepared for. Curse the person who made sure math exists.

  "Yeah," he mumbled, looking away and every where else but me.

  "Knowing that someone changes doesn't hurt, what hurts is remembering what they were, friends or not. When I met you, which was a year ago. You were this random guy online who I never really saw in real life. You just sat there behind a computer demanding random information from a girl like me.

  "The first thing that passed my mind was that you're a creep. You messaged me almost everyday, asking me if I skip meals or don't, or if I self harm, which was never any of your business anyway. You never praised yourself or wanted someone else's body. You were just happy with what you had. Now look at you and your body, your muscles and guns whatever the hell you call them. It's pathetic,' he was about to say something but I just waved him off and continued speaking.

  "Then you 'creep' asked me for my number because apparently you liked collecting people's numbers, really haven't ever heard a guy ask for a girl's number in a way like that. Anyway, you then suddenly call me asking me different questions about my personal life and everything else you could ever think of. Again, I never saw you and your batman FaceBook profile picture wasn't helping either

  "You were always insecure of yourself and your looks. You would never go to anybody and challenge them saying Oh hey, have you seen my body? Beat that!. You were just normal and it was always fine. You never needed anyone to make you smile. Just a normal guy messing with himself here and there like everybody else likes messing around.

  "What happened to that boy who called me up that night crying over his mom and dad's divorce?

  "Finally you had the guts to tell me hi, you were very careful and slow. You never called me an arse or a faggot. You annoyed me, yes. I'll give you that, but you never had it in you to make me cry. Now? now you do. You used to make me and the others laugh and now you make them cry and leave them empty, like the semabtayors, sucking life out of the world and pulling the biggest trick of them not existing," he was still stunned, his lips forming a line. I knew that he had nothing to say and so, I shoved a few words up his cell-less brain.

  "You were a very bad liar, I still remember you making fun of me because I was a virgin and you weren't. Seriously, fourteen year old and not a virgin? Which idiot would believe you? Bad liar. Very bad.

  "Now you got all this body, muscles and crap with your stupid abs and you brag of it all the time, passing some crappy comments. You lie smoothly, you insult me and many others a lot. You make everything around you feel and seem pathetic. You look like a guy who wants the world at his feet... And the worst? The worst you have ever done is me. That's the worst choice you've ever made. You asked me if I was okay? You don't break a person's heart and then ask them if they're okay, Jeremy. But that's besides the point. What happened to you? Who are you? Where are you?" I frowned, poking my finger at his chest hard, and each time I do he flinched.

  "It's still in me, you know? A part of it. The liar thing? I'm not sure about that anymore. My body? I kind of got bored of it so I stopped bragging about it, it's just normal talking now. I hope," he offered, thinking it calmed me down, but it only made my blood boil.

  "Again, every word I just said is garbage to you. I don't know what to say anymore to make you think straight," I mumbled slowly, trying to stay as calm as possible.

  "No, it's not. I do care. That part of me will never leave, I know, I insult them now and take the worl at my feet, I guess I need to change that," he admitted, smiling a little. Oh, how I wanted to wipe that thing off his face.

  "It already left, Jeremy. That part of you, it did," I stated the obvious.

  I know that I wasn't the only one who hated it when people acted dumb, but sometimes, just sometimes, both you and I know, that deep inside. They are actually really dumb, it's in their genes, in their human nature, don't blame them.

  "What left? That part of me? I'll prove you wrong someday. You have my word," he said and he had the nerve to make fake promises right now after all this. God.

  "I blame myself because I am the person who paid most of my attention to you knowing that back then that you needed it the most from me and I pretended not to care because I was scared, I was scared of everything we had and I can't believe I just let you slip by like that, just like that. You changed right in front of my eyes and I couldn't do anything about it," I spat at him, my anger boiling in my veins making my heart rate increase with no support whatsoever. I tried my best to calm down, knowing it's not good for my health, for my heart.

  He just gave me a nod and wanted to leave but I decided to continue. Stopping him in his tracks, I grabbed him by the wrist pulling him back to where he stood earlier.

  "You never went around telling every girl that she's the Nutella to your life. You never told two girls you wanted to marry them. You never dated one girl, calling yourself another one's husband. You never told two women you wanted to marry them. What are you? Barney Stinson?'" I sneered, clearly disgusted.

  "No. Just a guy, madly falling, deeply in love. Hoping to find the right one."

  "You are not in love, Jeremy. You're damaged, for heaven sake's understand the difference between the two!" I yelled, pointing my finger at him.

  He was like a sixth grade child who did not know the difference between probability and possibilty.

  "That's what I said, I'm searching for it," he mumbled quietly.

  "Because you're letting it slip, that's why. This way you'll never find the one you will only drive it away," I said, my voice softening, begging for him to understand, but I knew that my eyes looked stern.

  "Some day, I won't. I'll never drive it away until I now she's the one I need, the one I want," he said, his voice growing louder and angrier.

  "She's not here and you haven't met her yet. Don't hurt the others," I pleaded, giving him a look that I thought would be hopeful because only god know hows I pulled this off or still am pulling it off speaking to him.

  "I won't anymore"

  "I hope so," I mumbled.

  "Aren't you supposed to be in class preparing for your final paper which will be up in a few minutes?" he asked.

  "Aren't you supposed to be doing the same?" I snapped.

  "Touche," he smirked.

  The arse had the guts to do that. I swear to god, just one punch and I will feel so much better, but I knew better then getting myself into trouble before my finals.

  And for a second it seemed like things were back to normal and we weren't fighting. It seemed like we were still together and he actually loved me. It didn't feel like I was showered with lies and fake promises, but I knew better than that, I knew better than to believe what his eyes held, what his mouth spits.

  "Oh and one more thing. You never used to tell a girl you loved her without meaning it. Don't argue with what I just said, we both know it's true."

  "No comment."

  "And you must drop the no comment thing you have because you know it's true and both you and I know that you say no comment when you know it's the truth but deny it."

  "Okay..."

  "You were so honest before, loyal and faithful. I don't know what happened,"

  "I am still the same, honest and loyal. Faithful, I doubt that myself."

  "You're not, if you were you wouldn't do what you did," I accused.

  "Do what exactly?" he asked, confusion clear in his tone and facial expressions.

  "Everything you've been doing since November," I pointed out, accusingly.

  "Then came March, the time I stopped being dishonest. My traits will gain back, I know," he mumbled, trying to defend himself in every way possible by covering up the truth. It amazed me how looking me straight in the eye, he could just lie to my face with the both of us knowing the truth.

  "You haven't stopped, especially in March. In March you were the worst. You don't just kiss a girl and tell her you love her, hold her hand and hug her and then you text her at the middle of the night telling her that you're dating her friend. How loyal and honest, Jeremy. Very loyal,' I hoped he noticed the sarcastic tone I have used and gets to the point already.

  "That changed that day, I swear. That's when I became honest, that's when I became loyal!" he argued back, still trying to prove a point that he didn't even have.

  "No, that's when you became an arsehole. That was the day you made the biggest mistake of your life. You destroyed, shattered one person and gave fake hope to another," I spoke through gritted teeth. He really was getting on my nerves.

  "No, that was the day I gained the biggest blessing of my life," he continued to argue.

  "You always say that," I hissed.

  "I never said blessing before, I did say I love you to many people but I didn't say blessing. Although that's like almost the same thing."

  "You did, I can dig it up from the grave yard for you, I'd bet you did. Nothingness, Heartless. Can't you just face it? Admit it? You do not love," I said, growing more confident with every word that slipped out of my mouth.

  "Face what? Admit what? Tell me. Okay... I do not love, I just fake it. Happy? Got what you want now, right?" Now that made me really mad, I was ready to rip him apart.

  "Why do you lie to yourself? Got what I want? Damn you, that's all," I yelled.

  "That's what you wanted me to admit," he said, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion.

  Fudge Cakin' idiot.

  "You didn't admit it! Plus, I'm not the one you must admit it to in the first place, it's yourself and you never will because you're scared. You loved, you were scared. You were broken and you won't love again until later. So much later that it might not even happen in this world. Stop being desperate and think about what you're doing to the people."

 "Okay, will do that." he mumbled, his voice filled with sarcasm.

  "Sure you will, sure. Anyway, I'm sorry for this, for doing this to you, for changing you and for breaking your heart or taking it away and not giving it back to you. Maybe that's why you're heartless or whatever and sorry for ruining your future with your many more next girlfriends. I am sorry for that too and I am fudging sorry for loving you, because hell you're worth nothing but a mistake."

  "Okay," he said. His face showing no emotion, which seemed to anger me even more.

  "I just freaking realized what an arsehole you are. I realized what I'm worth and you know? November, when we broke up. I've been with no-one since then and trust me, I'm only fifteen years old and to hell with it because I will wait for another fifteen years and be with no-one. I will find love and only god knows if I will be able to love in the first place because my heart has yet to come back to normal after being pulled out of the shadows that it was hidden behind in your huge, rough, careless hands and torn into thin papers of faults. It will wait, unlike you, I will not break hearts because hell my life is already as bad as it could be and I have no intention in ruining anyone else's. And you? You were just some mistake. A big mistake, but a good lesson."

  "I will take what you said into consideration," he offered. I shook my head, laughing at his words that never carried any meaning, just full of lies.

  "You won't, but you will realize your crap soon enough. Not after weeks or months but soon enough. You'll realize it and it will be bad. Later when you will be completely shattered and locking away something you need, it will be too late. Trust me, you do not know what shattering is like. Not. One. Bit. It's nothing like what you have ever felt, Carvalho."

  "You can't shatter what's already shattered. There's nothing more to shatter. I've experienced it. For example, the day your mother found out. That was the day I was completely shattered."

  Experience? Idiot.

  I raised my palm which connected with his left cheek leaving a loud sound behind the action and a few fingerprints all over his cheek, leaving it bruised and marked. My hand was stinging but ignored the sensation and smirked.

  I, Cassidy Valentines slapped Jeremy Fernandes.

  I turned around on my heels, the smirk still playing on my lips whilst storming off the hallways and into my examination hall. I was supposed to feel better for slapping him, giving him what he deserved, but I knew that no matter what I would do, it would never be as bad as what he did to me. It was all hopeless.

_________________

Jeremy's facebook profile picture is at the side :)

Today's song is Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri and and , does anybody hear LOVE Pirates of the Caribbean? I just love Johnny Depp and his role as Captain Jack Sparrow...

Who do you think you are? Collecting your Jar of Hearts...
Sparrow... Captain Jack Sparrow 

^ I just thought this was really funny and hey, why not share it with you :3

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