(February 12, 2015)

   Pain.

   Pain is not a feeling. It is a disease. A disease that one is born with.

   It is in your toes, it grows from root to shoot and I believe, it belongs to itself.

   It is an overwhelming feeling. It is like a drug. It eats you up, but when you feel it, you cannot deny it. The pain that one feels is the pain that one denies and one denies something that they cannot handle.

   It starts from the day you learn how to walk, you are born with this disease and you carry it with you all along. It spreads through your legs once you've learned how to walk and you always complain about the pain, or you always deny it.

   You have learned how to walk after you were born and you will learn how to walk before you die. The disease will not stop you from doing so, but it will make sure you feel it.

   You do not feel pain because you are hurt, but you feel it because it is in you.

   Pain is cruel, demanding and deniable, but it is never non-existent. It is horrifying, but beautiful. It is a drug, but it cannot stop one from taking it. It cannot be cured, but it can be embraced into for a long while. It can kill, but one can learn to live with it, by carrying it on your shoulders like your own soul.

   You carry the pain with you everyday, everywhere.

   For the screams that were never heard and the silence that shattered windows, I raise this glass of wine, vodka or whatever the hell it is, be it pain I am chugging. I raise this glass for the life that I will never have, for I will live it after this earth collapses.

   I was in the kitchen. There was simply no excuse I could give Jeremy of why I am drunk when he comes to the door. I only believe if he asks, I could tell him it was because the airplanes could fly and I have no idea how they do.

   They probably weigh a ton and I don't, I still cannot fly. Why cannot I fly?

   I don't even know why a guy called Jeremy would come to my house, I just know that he should. Is he even nice? What am I saying?

(Jeremy's Point Of View)

   "Patty cake patty cake wiiiiiith no hands. Got me in this club making wedding plansss, yeah. If I take pictures while you do your daaance. I can make you famous on Instagram. Hot damnnnn it, ooh!" I heard Cassidys voice, booming out the house's door.

   Her horrible voice echoed down the neighborhood and I was worried someone would start calling the police. She was a pathetic singer, but I loved her anyway and if that made her happy then so be it.

   What I wasn't expecting is that when I enter my very own home, I would find Cass standing on the kitchen counter singing Jason Derulo's Wiggle whilst stripping.

   She was reaching for the clasp at the back of her navy blue bra that covered her full breasts and it took everything in me to pull her off that desk and make her stop whatever she was planning.

   I walked over to her and her bright blue eyes widened, her small lips parting. I grabbed her by her thighs and placed her down on the floor.

   "You must be Jeremy!" she exclaimed happily, her voice too slow and her eyes red, brimming with happy tears as she shook me hand and it took me a moment to compromise.

   She was drunk.

   A drunk Cassidy was never good in any situation.

    "You know?" she asked, "You look exactly like my husband!" she winked.

   "Oh yeah?" I asked, my tone sarcastic, but I do not believe she even noticed it.

   "Yeah!" she exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air.

   I've never had a drunk Cassidy. I've had a mad, happy, silly, foolish, angry and everything, but drunk Cassidy and I didnt know what to do with her.

   Yesterday when she left her dinner table, I wanted to run after her so bad but her parents wouldn't let me go. They insisted she must learn, I disagreed with them, but stayed for no further distruction.

   When I left their home, my car wasn't outside and neither was Cassidy and so the only thing that passed through my mind was that she left in it, to cruise back towards our sanctury and I wasn't upset about it because I understood how she must have felt and how it must have looked like when I didn't run after her last night and I get the fact that she was super upset.

   However, did not know that when I will be coming home. I will be meeting a drunk version of my wife and certainly not to the version and condition where she was stripping on the bed and screaming chickens. It was so like her, but it was pulled into my mind that the playful Cassidy was now gone.

   "Jeremy!"

   "Yes?"

   "Why are you so stupid?" she asked, her eyes blinking in a very inoccent way and it drove me insane.

   Her peircing blue eyes were staring right through me and I wondered what was she thinking about in that little head of hers and I wanted to ask her, but I decided against it. She wouldn't tell me. She never does.

   She was all cute, sitting there on our bed and rambling on how stupid I was. I think she was talking on about how in tenth grade I thought that chickens needed a rooster to lay eggs and then she went on explaining on how a healthy chicken lays one egg every hour, per day and it used to annoy me and I think that it still does but I cannot help but find it slightly adorable.

   Two hours of her rambling on about chickens, roosters, unicorns, crocodiles and officers. She started sating all the illegal actions that can be caused by a human being on this soceity and I think I would have gone mad if she hadn't fallen asleep.

   I lay next to her now, listening to her slight snores and beer breath that didn't bother me at all. Her hands were wrapped around my torso and her hair stuck to sides. I hated it how she thought she had to dye her hair into a brown shade, I loved her long blonde locks that cascaded down her back.

   When I was in ninth grade, it was when I met her and to be honest, what caught my attenion were her looks and that was it. She wasn't my type and I just knew it. I haven't been speaking to her back then, but I have been watching her. She was always quiet and alone, but had a lot of friends. I do not know how she managed that at all.

   She would always walk around holding a book in her hands, a new one in about every three days and only smile when someone says hello to her. When someone would ask her how she was doing, she would only give them a thumbs up with a squishy smile that would make her electric blue eyes pop out, it would look like they were popping out directly out of her jet black, framed glasses. Yet, she pulled off the ridiculous expression perfectly.

   In a way, whenever she decided or did something stupid it still seemed like the smartest thing to me. She was smart, very and she was also very observing which was slightly annoying, but I didn't mind. Whenever I would ask her a question she would just raise her eyebrow and laugh at my curiosity. It wasn't simple. She wasn't simple.

   The first time I saw her was at the school lunch area and I was being a jerk about it. I told my best friend that I find her hot and asked him to go and spank her arse, I didn't actually think he would do it, but he did. I thought he spanked her ass, but then I realized he spanked Acacia's and my eyes widened. Cassidy would be mad about it and I knew it.

   She was always mad when guys mistreated Acacia. I once watched a video she posted on ask.fm when she was about sixteen or something, with Acacia and she mention how she would knock someone's teeth out and hammer them to their forhead if they mistreated Acacia and so I was slightly frightened. Of course, not because she was going to hammer my teeth to my very own forhead, but because she's ust slightly frightening when she is angry, even with the humor dancing in her eyes.

   I know asking my friend to spank her was a douche move, but I couldn't think of something else back then and that's just what slipped out of my mouth. I admit though, I wasn't expecting my best friend, Zachary to be that bold. Cassidy never knew Zachary back then and it made me wonder what she sees in him now, but I tried pushing the thought to the back of my mind. I already sound like a woman, but I guess being married is what this all leads to and as long as I am with Cass, I do not even think I mind sounding like a seven year old princess.

   I knew that spanking her wasn't a way to get to talk to her, she didn't even notice anything, she must have thought it was a mistake or something because I still remember how she continued reading her book with an eyebrow raised and I still remember the name of the book. It was Persuasion by Jane Austin and I remember all the lines she quoted when we started speaking on the phone from the novel.

   She would quote 'You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope...I have loved none but you.' and I would ask her, "What does that even mean?" She would say, "It depends on the person's understanding and how they take it,"

   "What do you understad, Cassidy?" I remembered asking curiously and the best think I loved about her is that she loved answering all sorts of questions and she was strict, but kind. She was beautiful, but cold. She was light, but very dark from the inside.

   On her eighteenth birthday when I asked her to smile so that the camera could see through her darkness and see the beauty in her, she said, "And so darkness I became," I remember it as the most beautiful picture I have ever seen.

   She didn't smile, no. Her lips were formed into a thin, straight line that I thought was never possible. Her eyes showed no emotion, but I believed and saw that little light in her electric blue eyes, I saw that little electricity in them that the camera gave out. She was darkness, she did not become darkness and she did not embrace darkness. She is darkness. She was always darkness and I fell in love with her, I fell in love with her darkness.

   It's funny how people say when you keep looking forward to thing, nothing ever changes, but when you look back everything is different. I believe that when we look back, we are different and not the world around us.

   A human eye sees what a human eye wants to see and not what the world want it to see.

   What I saw in her was brimming with beauty. She was the fairy of happiness. She carried people's happiness in her hands and she sprinkled it on every person, making sure everyone around her was happy. She was the kind of person who would do that and she would also be the kind of person who would say, "I sprinkled happy dust on you and now you have to smile because your life depends on it, this crap is expensive," I would be the kind of person who would laugh at her and that was just how we were.

   I know what I did to her was beyond bad and I had nothing to explain to her because I was simply afraid and it is true when people say that fear gets in your wa becasue it truly does and it ruins everything.

   Fear is a simple, four letter word, but it is the word that makes you question your existence and everything around you.

(Cassidy's Point Of View)

   I opened my eyes to find them staring back at my room's plain white ceiling and wondered how I got to bed in the first place.

   My head was pounding and I groaned when I heard my phone ring. I grabbed the phone from the nightstand and slid my finger across the screen, answering it.

   "Hello?"

   "Cassidy! It's Hana," she squeeled.

   "Ugh, don't scream!" I mumbled.

   "Wow, woman, chill. No one's screaming. Guess you had a great night," I could picture her wiggling her eyebrows and I would laugh if my mind wasn't sending a million messages through it right now.

   I groaned and she chuckled in response. She just told me that she needed to come over and so I told her to go ahead and be here andI shut the phone after that. I took a quick shower and pulled on some dark, washed jeans that were followed by a maroon tank. I applied a thick layer of mascara, eyeliner and coated my lips with a deep shade of red rouge, curling my hair and pulling on a black blazer, I smiled at my own reflection and grabbed two pills for my headache that was followed by a glass of water.

   As soon as I was done, someone knocked on the door and I was sure that that someone would be Hana and so I let her in.

   "Getting all pretty just to see me?" she asked, winking and then embracing me into a hug which I pleasantly returned.

   "I don't know why, but I had this feeling that you wanted to go somehwere and so I got my lazy arse off bed and dressed up. Be a little quiet though, Jeremy is still asleep," I said, smiling warmly at her.

   As if on my luck, I am not being serious, Jeremy appeared in the living room and gaped at the both of us.

   "What?"

   "Do you want some coffee?" I asked at the same time as Hana decided to say, "Hello."

   He just glared at m, but I ignored it and gestured for Hana to follow me and sit at the bar table whilst I worked my way around the kitchen, preparing some strawberry flavored coffee for my husband.

   Jeremy wasn't the type of man I would die for, he was the type of a boy that I would make a sandwich for and I think that's how I dealt with it all. He is my friend, my partner in life and not in crime.

   I stole another glance at him only to find the killing thing dangling in between his teeth, his lips apart and the smoke sloly filliing up the room. Air felt like a drug now and I felt like the dealer because I didn't stop it and right then and there, I realized whilst looking at him that he wasn't ,my partner in crime and neither in life. He was the partner and I was his crime. He stole me from the life I was supposed to live and a criminal never ends well, but neither does a normal man smoking and so it never really mattered. Nothing ever really did.

   When I was done with his coffee I placed it on a small tray along with a saucer, I caught him pushing another cigarette into his mouth and I grabbed it from him, placing a kiss on his mouth instead and smiled, saying, "A crimal always gets caught, but not always by a cop. You're just lucky,"

   "I have no freaking idea what you're talking abou, but I love you anyway," he mumbled, embracing me and then I suddenly remembered that Hana was there. I looked up at her and she grinned sheepishly.

   I grabbed Jeremy good bye and soon, me and Hana were in the car singing along to How to save a life by The Fray let me tell you, she was horrible at singing and all I could do was laugh.

   Her voice cracked every time the pitch changed and I couldn't help, but enjoy the moment of truth... that would probably be followed by the moment of the dead and deaf.