(December 16th, 2016)

     Life, it's such a funny thing.

     In one room at a hospital, one is born and the room right next to it, one is taking their last breath.

     You never know what's going to happen next. You never know what your next step is going to be all about, but you do know one thing, that every step you will be taking is already written, is already known by the one who created you.

     I find it funny and ridiculous how people enjoy birthdays, I never did. Many thought that I was just being paranoid, but there was nothing really to be happy about, and celebrate when you're a year closer to your own end.

     And I find it funny that the same people who fear death, celebrate it every time they get closer to it.

     One would be a fool to think I ever feared death.

     Death is not a design. It does not chase anyone. If one is supposed to die, they will and if they aren't then they won't. Death ends. It is quick, and sometimes, it is slow and painful. But it ends. 

     Life? Well, life goes on.

     There was nothing to fear, death gives the people what they deserve and I think, one is a coward to fear something that will give you what you deserve.

     Getting what you deserve must be your biggest fear because one wants to leave this planet being grand, known among the living. They want to know that everything they have ever known is vast and useful.

     And maybe what they know is vast, it might be vast to you and me. It might be vast to everyone you know or they know, but it will never be vast enough for the whole world and that is what they fear of , lack of knowledge before getting what they deserve. Before reaching their finish line. They fear leaving this planet, this life without being known for something that they have done.

    There's a coward in every one of us, there is something that we fear that makes us all cowards. Maybe being afraid confinement and self-destruction does not make me a coward, maybe it is the fear of finding that coward in me.

     And you will be okay, I will be okay if we just overcome this fear.

     You either choose to make progress or you choose to make excuses.

     When I look at Jeremy's face, with his eyes fluttering whilst sleeping and breathing deeply, I know that his choice is to make excuses. 

     But who am I to speak when I haven't made any progress? I thought.

     The door bell rang, interrupting my thoughts and I skipped out off bed, running to the door, making sure my steps are light and fast, so that I won't wake Jeremy up.

     I looked through the peep hole and saw one of my clients standing there, hand in their jean pockets, "Give me a moment," I yelled through the door, running back to my room to get dressed.

     I pulled on my dark blue leggings and Jeremy's cream colored sweater that reached mid-thigh. It was warm, soft and comfy. It smelled just like him, smoke and mint.

     I started to think about the times I tried to get him to stop smoking, but he always waved me off. I remembered that my client was waiting for me out the door and rushed to it, opening it up and smiling brightly.

     "Welcome, please come in." I ushered her in and then closed the door behind her.

     "Thank You, Mrs. Carvalho." The young girl nodded, her hands still stuffed in her pockets as she stood there awkwardly waiting for something to happen or for something to be said.

     "Call me Cassidy, sweetheart."

     She stood in the middle of the living room. She was too beautiful to be coming to see someone like me, it was sad, that everybody had to pay a price. That people got what they got, it had nothing to do with what they deserved.

     She had dark grey eyes that lost all light one could ever had and the lightest of brown hair that I had ever seen. She was too thin and her skin was pale, indicating that she didn't eat much or left the house very often either.

     "Please feel free to sit wherever you want to, love," I said, still smiling at her. My cheeks stretched out, beginning to hurt from all the smiling that I was doing.

     She, unlike any other patients I have had, chose to sit on a stool that was next to the kitchen counter instead on the red bean bag that was in my living room and I immediately knew, that she was of a different interest, a different kind, a one with a beautiful mind.

  "I spoke to your mother," I started, "and I think you know that I know what has happened," she just nodded and so I took this as my chance to continue, "I want you to tell me, what has damaged you so bad that you've decided to end your life."

  She looked at me, blinking a few times, as if checking if I were still there or maybe thinking of something that I would never know and wouldn't be able to understand.

  She shook her head.

  "Do you want to know why I started doing this? Why I started helping people?" I mumbled, knowing that she didn't want to hear my answer, but to my surprise, she nodded. She wanted to know. I wasn't the only one who's cat was killed because of curiosity.

  "When I was young, I loved this guy and I thought, that he loved me back too, you know? Typical young girls being fooled. It's the same story over and over again. You hear it everywhere. We were together for three years and then he left and I was okay, or at least, I thought so.  Five years later he ends up in the same college as I do. Can you imagine how hard I worked to avoid him? But of course, both him and fate weren't on my side."

  "I don't know how and I don't think I did ever forgive him for what he did, for cheating on me with another person, but somehow, somehow, we ended up together again and I made an effort to forget, I loved him. We got together and we settled down, living together and crap. I had his baby, he didn't know that and he still doesn't. I lost it too, I lost our baby because I wasn't healthy and I am still not."

  "Apparently, the whole thing, living and settling down with me was all a game to him, a game he liked to play with his friends. This one got me bad. The pain was demanding and sometimes even non-existent. I was too weak. Every hour was worse than the other, every minute was unbearable and every second could be felt."

  "Now, of course everyone would think that would be it, right? I mean what could be worse and what more could add up to this mess, right? Well, a few more years later, again. My father seems to be having business with his and that is where the contract falls in. The reason I married him. Jeremy Fernandes. I guess you've figured out that I am still here, with him, with his last name and guess what? I still love him."

  "I don't know whether things like that in life are meant to be, meant to be lived with or for, or moved on from, but that was none of what has happened to me and I do not know why I couldn't help myself back then.The man who broke my heart, a million times, the man who shattered me and left me without a future which I managed to get back, is next room, sleeping right now and that man was never forgiven, but he is my partner and I have learned how to live with it."

  She didn't look at me differently, she didn't look at me with pity or sadness in her eyes, she still held that blank expression on her face and that was something that I would always thank her for. 

  "I don't know what to say," she mumbled.

  "Tell me your story."

  "Why? It's not like you can do anything about it,"she said, looking right through me this time.

  One of the things I've known from all my past experiences, when your patient avoids eye contact, that is when you have to start going up to a totally different level and make sure they don't notice it.

  "I'm not trying to do anything about it. I'm trying to let you know that you're not the only one and you musn't think of yourself in bad situations like these. There are other people you are dragging down with you, you should know that. You should keep that in mind,"

  "I was reading the Qu'ran that say," she said, looking down as if she was ashamed of it.

  "Why were you reading the Qu'ran?" I asked her, placing my hand on top of hers. I wanted her to know that I am not one to judge. I never believed in a particular religion anyway, I just knew that there was one god.

  "For the same reason I read the Bible. Curiosity. Does that make me a bad person?" she looked up at me, her grey eyes almost empty, as if all the sorrow was drowned and there was no tomorrow.

  "No, I don't think so. Do you?"

  "No."

  "Then, you're not. A person is what they think and know they are. So if you know that doesn't make you a bad person, you shouldn't worry about it, especially when it doesn't harm anybody else. Religion is harmless, especially Islam. But really, why were you reading the Qu'ran?"

  "I wanted to know somethings. I wanted to know the difference between Christianity and Islam. I wanted to know why the guy I loved so much wanted me to convert into Islam," she mumbled.

  There's always a man behind every woman's story and a woman behind every man's story.

  "You're only sixteen though..." I dragged out, trying to reason. She didn't seem like my patient anymore. She looked more like a normal girl craving for something that she would never had and I was confused, for the first, I did not know, I did not know what to say.

  "I know, it was complicated. I'll try to leave that detail out for now. Anyway, it was beautiful, you know? What I've read. I've never seen any religion value women so much and I agreed to it, he was happy and I was happy because he was happy and because I loved my decision, but then he jumped. He killed himself the next day, I do not know why. I don't know why. I wanted to.. to jump with him. I love him," she sobbed.

  Her head on my chest now and her hands clasping my arms.

  I wanted to correct her, to tell her that she loved him and not loves him, not because she now doesn't, but because that's what death does to people. Everything becomes past tense. From is to was, from the present to past and the future, the future just gets deleted.

  I used to think that when people die, you grieve because you think that you cannot handle that person not being there with you anymore. I used to think that one understands that it is for the best. But then, I realized that people grieve because they regret the things they could have said, they could have done with that person. They grieve because they are selfish, because they think of themselves and they do not understand that it is for the best.

  I realized that nobody in this world knows why the actually grieve and I guess, neither do I.

  When a member of your family dies, you think you're depressed and when your mate dies, you think you;re dying with them. Depression and dying with someone else is not a side effect of watching someone else die, or having someone else die, it is a side effect of dying. Being damaged, upset, sick, messed up, and dark about it is a side effect of watching someone else die.

  And I guess, that's what we were all doing, we were being damaged.

  "He wouldn't want you to be here, he wouldn't want you to do the same thing that he did. He wouldn't want that for you," I said.

  "Th-then.. then why did he want this for me? Why did he do this to me?" she yelled, throwing her hands up and letting them fall back to her lap, straightening her head and looking me in the eye. Her grey eyes piercing through mine, making me shudder.

  I didn't know why. 

  "Some people just don't think about the decisions they make, they just can't afford to think of it like that."

  There are many of my patients who have gone through worse than I could have ever imagined, some suffer from other people's death and some from cancer. They say everything has a side effect, but I think, everything, it all is a side effect of living.

  She stayed for another three hours or so, it was the longest I would ever keep a patient for, but I couldn't send her home without a) making any progress, and b) in the condition she was in.

  It was two in the afternoon by the time we were done, Jeremy was still asleep and I was still hungry. I didn't know what I wanted to have right now, the lunch that I am supposed to be having in an hour or my breakfast that I missed.

  I decided to get dressed in something simple, but pretty and take Jeremy out for breakfast, need to learn how to be nice to the man. 

  I pulled on my light blue, faded jeans that were a tad bit too long and rolled them up just a little bit to above my ankle, followed by a red and black checkered shirt and topped off with black vans and a side bag, with my wallet and other necessities. I pulled out Jeremy's checkered shirt that was all to similar to mine and the same faded, light blue jeans.

  "Jem, baby, wake up!"

  "Mmm," he mumbled, stirring side ways and placing a pillow on top of his head to cover up, that didn't stop me though.

  Pulling the pillow off his face, I placed a full kiss on his mouth. His eyes widened and I smiled innocently.

  "Oh dear god, please tell me what put you into such a good mood. This is the best thing to wake up to," he groaned, pulling me next to him.

   "I'm hungry," I giggled, slapping my hand to my mouth, annoyed with the voice that just came out.

  "Ah, that sound," 

  "Jeremy, it's two in the afternoon. I am hungry and you skipped work, get up,"

  "Shit,"

  "What?"

  "It's the sixteenth of the last month."

  "Yeah, so?"

  He looked at me weirdly and then jumped out off bed, looking at the clothes I put a side for him, he smirked.

  "We're going to match," he said, stating the obvious.

  "I didn't know that!" I fake gasped, rolling my eyes at his silly enthusiastic mood. What's gotten his arse this morning?

  "You," he winked.

  "Huh?"

  "You thought out loud,"

  I have got to stop doing that.

  I grabbed my purse, placing my keys and wallet it. I pushed my phone in the butt pocket of my jeans and called on for Jeremy to join me by the door.

  We stood in the elevator, I pressed the ground floor button. I looked at him and his casual position, sometimes I would like to pretend like we were in paradise. 

  No matter how much books I've read, how many movies I've watched. All of it would never be compared to what I felt. Maybe he didn't love me as much as I loved him, or maybe he didn't love me at all.

  I realized that you don't love those who light you and make you happy, but you love those who are a part of you. Who played a huge role, even the villain. It never mattered who stole your heart, because it is the dark side in a person that you fall in love with.

  Everyone shows their bright side and you know that side of them like you know the back of your hand, but when you look into their deepest secrets and live in the fear that is hidden in the deepest part of their mind that you realize there is more to that person than what they are.

  His eyes flickered to me and I looked away, flushing slightly.

  He wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me closer to his body. I took my time to look at his facial features that I've dared to adore. His lips were formed into the slightest pout I've seen and his eyes looked slightly sleepy.

  "So where do you want to go eat?" He asked as soon as we were seated in the car.

  "I was thinking about Stacey's? But if you want something else, we could go for something else," I said, looking out the window and pulling on the earphones that were in my hand.

  "Stacey's it is," he grinned.

  I don't how long we've been driving for, all I know is that when I saw the Stacey's sign flashing on the little restaurant, I jumped off my seat and ran to the entry with Jeremy yelling for me to wait up, but my mind refused to listen.

  I need food.

  "A table for two please," I stated politely, looking at the waitress and smiling.

  "Follow me, please," she said, just as Jeremy entered the little place.

  Following her, I took my time to look through the place. The last time I've been here felt like years ago. It used to be my favorite back in class days.

  The place was small, hence I always refered to it as little. The furniture was wooden, the tables, the chair, the bar stools, everything was wooden. The windows were little, and each table by the wall had one. They were covered with red curtains that brightened up the room, the walls were painted a deep, sunny yellow and every corner had a country being represented. 

  It was as simple as it looked like and that's what I loved about the place. The owner's wife name was Stacey and hence the name, I am guessing.

  "Here is your menu, I'll come in a bit to take in your orders," our waitress, who went by the name Bianca per her name tag, said.

  Both Jeremy and I scanned through the menu, I already knew what I wanted and so it didn't take me too long. Jeremy on the other hand, by the look on his face, was in a totally different situation.

  His nose was scrunched up, and his lips were set into the deepest scowl. He looked like he was about to blow up.

  "What is it?" I asked.

  "There's so much to choose from," he grumbled.

  "Well, what do you really want?" I asked, looking at my watch that read 3:45pm. My stomach was calling for the whales.

  "There's this New York strip steak and the four cheese pasta that I really want to try, but can't choose between,"

  "How about we take both and share?" I was going to take the four cheese pasta anyway, it's a huge meal, we could share," I offered.

  He smiled and nodded, satisfied.

  "Are you gusy ready to order?" Our waitress asked, her red covered lips forming  pleasant smile. 

  When people described waitresses in books, or showed them off in movies. They always showed the fact that they were twitchy and maybe slutty. Her top buttons always opened and her skirt too short for anyone's good. Her face all dolled up and she would always ogle your brother, date, or even hit on your husband.

  That was never the case here or with me, and I was thankful for that.

  I smiled thankfully at her and said, "We'll have the New York Strip Steak, the four cheese Pasta, Chicken Salad and two bowls of the French Onion Soup, along side the bread. Thank You,"

  She wrote everything down and repeated our orders, we've added our drink to the list and she retreated to the back of the place.

  "So, it's someone's birthday today. What do you want to do?" Jeremy asked, wiggling his eyebrows. I just narrowed my eyes at him and said, "You know I hate birthdays. So, I think I'm planning to read a book in peace and go to sleep later, how's that sound?"

  I smiled bitterly, whilst he groaned.

  "Stop groaning! People would think something else," I mumbled.

  "Like what?" He winked.

  "Oh, shut up!"

  "Here you go," the waitress interrupted our bickering, placing the food on the table and said, "If you guys need anything else, just let me know."

  "Sure, thanks," Jeremy mumbled, eyeing the food, his eyes glistening. I could here his stomach growl. I guess I wasn't the only one hungry here.

  "We can't just do nothing on your birthday, you know?" He said, looking at me weirdly.

  "Jeremy, we've been through this before. I've been living with you for so many years now and you're still bugging me about my birthday. Just get over it, I despise them," I said, my voice spiteful. I was getting angrier.

  "I don't know," he mumbled. 

  "Mhmm," I hummed, shoving the leaves from the salad onto my mouth, still glaring at Jeremy.

  "Dinner at least? With Hana?" He asked hopefully.

  I found it suspicious that he offered Hana to come over for Dinner, since he didn't exactly like it when I was around her much these days, but I shrugged it off anyway.

  "Sure,"

  "Really?"

  "Yeah," I said, starting to pick on my cheesy pasta.

  "Hey, Cassidy?" 

  "Hmmm?" I looked at him, my mouth full. I could see that he wanted to laugh, but seemed to think over it twice. Good boy.

  "Do you have a camera?"

  Swallowing my last mouthful, I asked, "No, why?"

  "Because every time I look at you, I smile."

  I pushed the rest of the pasta towards Jeremy, "Just shut up and eat."

  "Okay,"

***

  "I didn't even get to taste that Strip Steak!" I argued, throwing my hands up, exasperated.

  "I was hungry," 

  I just glared at him and sat on the couch, folding my hands. 

  "So, where do you want to order food from for Dinner?" Jeremy asked.

  "I thought I was going to cook?"

  "You can make the dessert."

  "Okay," I mumbled, raising and eyebrow at him.

  "So, where are we going to order from?"

  "Chinese?"

  "Cassidy, you know I hate Chinese."

  "I know," I grinned sheepishly, and you know I hate birthdays. I added to my thought list.

  "How about Stacy's again? Everyone loves that place!" I offered, thinking of the four cheese pasta all over again.

  "But there are like, so many people over there right now! The food will never get to us," he complained, plopping on the couch next to me.

  "Go get dressed up then, lazy butt and get the food. In the mean time, I'll call everyone over. It'll be up at eight, okay? Don't be late."

  I pushed him through the doors of our house, twenty minutes later after he dressed up, complaining my ears off about how much he didn't want to drive. 

  Looking at the time, which read 6:49pm, I've decided that I have enough time to take a shower, make dessert and get dressed up.

  I stripped off my clothes whilst the water was warming up and hopped into the shower, quickly rinsing my hair with the shampoo and then with the conditioner. I swiftly ran the razor through my legs, trying to think of the dress I'll put on.

  I wasn't usually the one to dress up, but for the occasion. I think it would be a need. I knew how much Hana loved dressing up and having a new hairstyle every month, I wouldn't want both, Jeremy and Hana eating my ears off for it.

  Closing the water, I stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my body.

  I pulled on my black undergarments and walked into the kitchen to prepare the dessert. Looking through the fridge, I grabbed all the ingredients needed and closed it, placing everything on the kitchen table. 

  I put two cartons of strawberries in a bowl and sprinkled some sugar, the juice and zest of the orange, and the vanilla pod. Mixing it all together gently, I put it to side of teh table and left the kitchen to put on the rest of my clothes on.

  Pulling out the navy blue, knee length dress with a big white bow up the front from my wardrobe, I made sure it had no oil prints from the last time I've had it on and then put it on, zipping it up and matching them with a pair of black pump heels and a black blazer, that I put to the side to wear it after I am done with the dessert.

  Mixing the mascarpone and yogurt with the remaining tablespoon of sugar and vanilla pod, I stirred it together well, leaving no crumbs floating on top.

  I used the back of the spoon to make a well in the center of the macarpone that I've spooned onto a plate and put the fruits on top, crumbling a biscuit on each plate.

  my phone rang and I washed my hands to pick it up, sliding my thumb through the screen.

  "Hello?"

  "Jeremy?"

  "Eh, Yeah. What do you want me to order?"

  Narrowing my eyes, I huffed. I knew he couldn't see me, but I did it anyway, "A little bit of the most of it?"

  "What does that even mean?"

  "You figure it out, I need to go. Bye," I said, pressing the end button and putting my black blazer on. I placed all the desserts in the fridge and sent a text to Hana and Zachary to come over later tonight.

  I plopped onto the couch and lay lazily around for two hours to rest my weary bones until I heard the door bell ring. Standing up, I straightened my skirt and checked myself in the mirror on last time, making sure my hair is still perfectly curled and my make up isn't smudged, I opened the door.

  "Heyyyy!" Hana screeched, pulling me into a bear crushing hug. 

  I tried to push her off but she kept squeezing me harder and I was gasping for air, trying to smile at a worried Acacia who stood by the door. I motioned her to come in and get the inhalator from my room.

  "Hana... I.. can't... br-reathe," I gasped, trying to push her off.

  "Someone's grow old," she winked, finally letting me go.

  I grabbed the door handle, crouching down slightly to try and catch my breath.

  "Here," Acacia said, placing the inhalator in my palm.

  "Thanks-s," I breathed out, pushing the tube into my mouth and pressing the button twice, breathing in the air given out by it.

  "We need to keep the girl into a cage when she is this excited," Acacia whispered into my ear.

  "Definitely."

  "Where do I put this?" Hana yelled through the kitchen door, holding up a transparent box with what seemed like a cake inside it.

  "You didn't have to get that," I whined.

  "Well, I already did so get over it. Where do I put it?" She scowled. The girl sure did switch mood swings often.

  "On the kitchen counter please," I said, going into the kitchen and grabbing the plates off the top shelve and walking into the dining room to place all the plates onto the table.

  The door bell rang and I heard Acacia yell, "I'll open the door." whilst I placed the spoons, forks,and knives on the dining table that was set in front of our aquarium. I don't know why, but it was always so calming to just sit and eat in this room. Looking at the fish, swimming so peacefully, not needing anything in life, but damned leaves, water and air.

  Jeremy entered the room with a scowl on his face, placing all the bags on the table and with a robotic voice greeting me, "Hey, babe."

  "Jeremy," I scowled.

  "What's wrong with you?" I hissed, making sure no one else could here us.

  "I can't believe you invited Zach!"

  "He is my friend, what do you expect me to do? Leave him out," I asked, growing angry.

  "Well, yes actually. That is exactly what I expected you to do."

  "Stop being such an arse and set the food on the table, I am going to call everyone in."

  I heard him curse under his breath, but pushed the thoughts of that part pooper to the back of my mind. 

  Everyone was seated on the couch, Zach on the bean bag, watching a movie. I walked up to them and snatched the remote control, pausing the movie. A couple of groans and 'oh come on's' echoed throughout the room, but I only smiled sweetly back and said, "Dinner time." 

  And just like children on Christmas, running to tree to open their presents, so did they. With all the grins and gleam in their eyes, the happiness of something that I will never know.

  Looking at them, I realized that, things happen in life, very bad things, terrible things, scarry things, but that doesn't stop them from loving, caring, laughing and moving on. It doesn't stop them to love something or tell someone something they would never. It doesn't stop them from loving each other and making new friends. 

  Whatever happens and for whatever reason, has to happen and one must know that they cannot do anything about it. They must know that they can live with it because they have no other choice. They have only one, they may choose to carry all the bad with them and make good on their way forward, or they may choose to stay backward and watch everybody else make the good happen.

______________

I know, I know it took me so long, but I have been trying to prepare for my exams that are starting this sunday. Key word : Trying to. I am a total fool and math and I definitely need help with it, having holidays now, totally sucks, I am so not in the mood for studying, anyway, my first exam is all of with Geography, Economics, Politics and History. How exciting.

I really hope you liked this chapter, I have actually beaten my head out so many times to get through with this. Only three more chapter and done, I can't believe I am actually finishing my second book. I definitely so excited. 

A picture of Cassidy's Dress on the side, let me know what you think of it in the comments below!!!!

Please let me know what you think of this chapter in the comments below, vote for it maybe? Fan me if you love my work and follow me on twitter and instagram @Miss_Popular_97

I love you all and thank you for everything!
-Linda x