"Eggs and then room," Dad ordered as soon as the front door shut behind me.

Unwinding the scarf from around my neck, air kissed my skin and yet still my chest rose and fell in quick succession. The white shells shook as I slipped them from my coat pocket, handing over our most prized possessions. "I can help Momma-"

"You can help your mom by going upstairs and staying there until dinner is ready."

Lexie and Amanda avoided eye contact as if my punishment was contagious. It was only Maxie who stared back, his expression appearing as if he wanted to cry for me. If only I could comfort him, hug away his sadness, but apparently, I couldn't even be trusted to do that.

"Dad, I know I messed up but I can help-"

"Room, now," he said. I winced at his hushed tone; its sound more intimidating than when he yelled.

Dad's yelling would have been a relief; a sign that this would be over soon. But no, this would be a slow burn. A small smile stretched across my lips for Maxie's benefit then I climbed the stairs.

And even though I knew that I was wrong, there was still this knot in my chest.

Breathe. Just breathe.

Behind me, the door's slam was loud, but that hammering sound in my chest was louder. In a daze, I barely noticed that the light from the window seemed to dim; yet, I made no move to light a candle or a lantern.

I couldn't be trusted.

Kicking the door, my limbs went limp until the floorboard's coldness seeped into the seat of my jeans.

Everyone was lying but I couldn't be trusted.

Pulling at my curls, anger burned a path beneath my skin.

"He lied," I said. A tightness grew across my cheeks as streaks dried before new wayward paths coated my face, salt lingering on my tongue. "He lied and I'm the one who can't be trusted?"

Rising, my jacket went flying across the room before I even registered that I threw it. Something fell behind me but I was beyond caring.

I hated this world.

I hated my world.

Slumping on my bed, the beauty of the sunset appeared as if melting through my watery view.

"No, I just hate that he was right," I said.

Hugging my knees, gloved fingers rubbed at the goosebumps along my arms.

Why was it so cold?

Then smoke, a white, translucent haze, spilled from my lips out into the air. Wooden floor boards altered from caramel to chocolate. Cream colored walls dimmed to a dirty beige as light seemed to retract unnaturally, shadows growing in its place. The darkness that multiplied moved swiftly as if determined to smother the light, its appearance almost like long tentacles wrapping around me.

Short, white puffs continued to spill from between chattering teeth and still my lungs couldn't quite catch up with my heartbeat.

It's fine, Cassie. It's just another episode. It's not real.

The wind, its touch like an unwanted advance blew through stray tendrils, but no window was open.

Everything is fine. Just turn around.

And yet I couldn't move.

I flinched, rocking back in forth as stationary tumbled from the holder on my desk.

It's not real, Cassie.

"Nothing is there," I whispered. "You're going to turn around and nothing is going to be there."

Shifting towards that sound, towards the growing darkness, the bookcase blurred. Posters blended into the shadows until that space near my desk gained my focus.

Why was it so dark?

I peered closer trying to make sense of why that corner appeared so devoid of any color...

And then, it moved. Whatever it was shifted.

Blankets and clothes tumbled to the ground, wood scrapping the palms of my hands as I crawled backwards as far as the wall would allow me.

What is that?

I opened my mouth but there was only silence.

Why can't I scream? Why isn't anything coming out?

Eyes widening, my mouth remained agape and yet I could do nothing as it drew closer. Smoke continued to spill from my lips, tears leaking over my chin as long, thin, white fingers reached out towards me.

Something inside told me that I didn't want this thing to touch me, and yet my body stayed paralyzed.

An object fell as it crept closer, its body rippling over items as if he rode the shadows in waves.

"Please," I begged.

Its fingers stretched mere inches from my cheek as Derrick opened the door causing the sight of it to dissipate entirely.

"Hey, what are you-" Derrick started to ask before he saw the look on my face. He rushed forward, his body kneeling at my side. "Cassie, what's wrong?"

The room-

The room's walls had transformed back into its dull appearance, the dying sun touching every surface.

But I saw-

"Did you see him?" I asked.

"See who? Was someone here?" Derrick quickly scanned around us but we were alone.

"I-," I stuttered.

I'm not crazy. I know that I'm not crazy, but...

"The pencils, the pencils fell," I stated lamely because what else could I say?

Looking at me strangely, Derrick he walked over to my desk. "Well, you did throw your jacket over here."

"No." Shaking my head in disbelief, I rose to my feet before taking tentative steps towards him. "No, I threw it but it didn't-"

That thing was real, right?

It reached out for me.

"Cassie, it's been a long day. You scared me earlier and I'm sure you scared yourself."

"No, Derrick-"

He grabbed my shoulders until I looked at him. "I know you're freaked out about the guards, about Travis and Natasha. We all are, but it's going to be okay. Let's just take a deep breath and go down to dinner."

My brother's hazel eyes looked so gentle, so sweet, so... patronizing.

He was never going to believe me. Hell, I wasn't even sure that I believed me.

"Right," I whispered, my smile small, taut. Taking a deep breath, I stepped forward to follow my brother only to hear glass crunching beneath my shoe.

Kneeling, I was careful as I picked up the frame, the photo of my family that imitated happiness looking back at me.

"Cassie?"

The frame-

"Cassie?" Derrick repeated from the hall.

"Coming," I managed before quickly placing the frame back on the desk. Hurrying toward the staircase, my nails dug into my palms once more.

Forget it, Cassie, and just act normal.

Forget the shadowed figure, ignore the tenuous grip my mind seemed to have on reality, and let go of the sight of fractured glass broken solely on Maxie's figure...

-----------------------------------------------------

"Let us say grace before we begin," Dad said, his blue eyes on me.

My spoon and fork lowered to rest next to my plate, my eyes on its contents rather than Dad's condemnation. A small portion of eggs, a cup of rice, a spoonful of beans, and a slice of jerky waited to be consumed. It was a small feast in today's time.

What did dad have to trade to make this meal happen?

"My turn?" Maxie asked in such a small voice that my lips automatically twitched upward. Then my mind flooded with a flash of that bear-

Don't think about it, Cassie. It was just a terror.

Dad smiled patiently, then nodded. "Go on."

Squaring his small shoulders, Maxie grinned, those chubby cheeks expanding before he said, "Bless us oh Lord for these thy gifts that we're about to receive." He paused to look for approval from Dad, waiting for his nod before he continued, "from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

"Amen," was said in unison before the sound of cutlery against porcelain commenced.

Such peace lay on the faces around me, such enjoyment in what they had.

Had prayer brought them so much relief? Had prayer brought them so much gratitude?

What was wrong with me?

"Let's go around the table," Dad began, as usual.

Instinctively, I sighed. "Again?"

Everyone froze.

Shit. Did I say that out loud?

Different degrees of shock, disappointment, and anger glowed within the lantern's light making expressions appear more intense.

"At this table we are thankful for what the Lord provides. Thankful for what he has given us today," Dad said. "You of all people should be grateful that God saw it fit to look pass your stupid decisions and make sure that you all made it home today."

"If it was that unsafe, why let us leave the house at all?" I muttered; my fork digging a hole into my rice.

My younger siblings gasped and the sudden pain in my leg could have only come from my eldest brother.

"No, Derrick. She's right," Dad countered. "For Cassie, for now, it's safer inside. No foolishness can occur within these walls."

Teeth bit into my quivering lip at the reminder of being locked inside.

All I need is a strait jacket.

Clearing her throat, Mom said, "Well, I appreciate that the lord brought ALL my babies home today."

And although her smile was brief, it managed to extinguish some of my internal pain.

"I'm grateful that we have eggs," Lexie said.

Something light landed in my lap, and I eyed Derrick before looking down. Wiping a wayward tear from my cheek, I flashed him a quick smile for the granola bar.

'I'm grateful that we got to play outside. It was fun," Amanda said.

"Well, I'm grateful that Cassie took us to the fountain today. We never get to go there anymore," Maxie said.

Everyone froze. Then as if Maxie had never spoken, we continued eating.

"I'm grateful that we are just able to have dinner together like this tonight. Not everyone can," Derrick said quickly.

Dad's eyes burned into my skull. I didn't even have to look up to know that he watched me closely. "Do you see how the Lord still teaches us obedience?" His hand rested on the good book. "He teaches us even when we try to do the opposite. Rules are in place for a reason."

Dinner lost its taste, its texture suddenly rough like swallowing glass.

Then he asked, "How about you Cassie? What are you thankful for?"

I met his eyes, swallowing my inner fear, and with a dead voice said, "Freedom."

Dad's jaw clenched. "No freedom comes without responsibilities."

Don't say it. Just swallow down his shit.

"Does that mean that since I can't leave the house anymore, I don't have to do any chores?"

I said it.

The sudden thump against wood caused us all to jump, the porcelain rattling upon the table.

"No, it means if you keep acting like a child, we will continue to treat you like one!"

Pain exploded in my leg again and for once I heeded Derrick's warning.

"Wes, Nate, Jim, and Carmen took over patrol when I was leaving, Dad," Derrick said, his deflection obvious. "The only one that didn't show up was Mr. Lansky."

Dad grunted. "I'll take care of it."

"It won't work," I muttered absentmindedly over a mouthful of beans.

"Excuse me?" Dad asked. "And how would you know?"

"I just meant. He's not going to do it. Someone broke into his house last night. He said one of 'our friends' was responsible, so I highly doubt guarding the neighborhood is one of his priorities."

Dad and Derrick shared a look.

"I'll take care of it," Dad repeated.

I snorted before mumbling, "Didn't think shit like that happened within the wall."

The crash of a fork against the plate had never been so loud; Derrick's groan and mom's sigh becoming secondary.

"Go to your room," Dad said.

"It was a joke."

"Cassie, do you see me laughing? I've had enough of your attitude. Go!" He yelled.

Pausing to look at my family in turn, their eyes remained downcast like perfect little soldiers. Then I twisted away before sprinting up the stairs.

Pausing outside my bedroom door, all I could hear was the sound of my own breathing and the chatter coming from downstairs.

The episode is over. Just light the candles and you'll be fine.

The moonlight shone prominently into the room, its beam not quite reaching every corner.

Fuck.

Hurrying, the flame from the lighter shook as I lit the wick before repeating the process with the next candle. I didn't stop until every candle and lantern that I owned was set ablaze around me.

"Starting a seance or a house fire?" Derrick asked as he pushed open my bedroom door again.

But instead of answering I simply held up the granola bar. "Was this a bribe or a treat?"

"Why must everything be so dark with you?"

I smirked before sinking onto my bed. "With everything going on in my head, how could it not be?"

The comment was meant to be light; yet, it created a sense of heaviness in the air.

"Do you always have to challenge him?" he asked, the weight of the bed dipping as he took a seat beside me.

"He's not always right, you know."

He gave me a 'no shit' look. "Neither are you."

"Derrick, Dad lied, he said there were guards-"

A hand went up instantly. "Let it go, Cassie."

I couldn't. For some reason, I just couldn't.

"But he said-"

He sighed wearily. "What does it matter? The guards are gone and we are dealing with the situation."

I just looked at him. It really didn't bother him the chances Dad took with our lives. "Aren't you worried?"

"Who isn't?"

"Dad acts like-"

"Dad is making do with the cards we were dealt," he interrupted. "You need to stop blaming him for everything."

"I don't," came my mutter, my eyes on that stray string on my glove rather than his gaze.

"You do. Uncle Travis chose to leave, Cassie. Dad didn't drive him away."

My eyes met his again. "That's not the problem."

"Then, what is?"

"Dad just keeps saying-" I tried again.

"Saying what he must to keep the twins and Maxie from freaking out, to keep Mom from crumbling. That was her brother, you know," he finished for me.

My eyes fell back to the gray sheets. "I know that."

"Sometimes, I think you focus on everything like you're the only one affected by what's happened. Why do you see everything that we do as a punishment, Cassie?"

"I don't. I just don't understand why everyone treats me like I don't have a mind of my own," I whispered.

Derrick's jaw hardened, his eyes on the moon as the silence stretched. "Look, we just want to keep everyone safe. Horrible things can happen out there, but it's worse... for those who can't take care of themselves."

"Oh, so because I'm a girl-," I began but stopped at the serious look on his face.

"If something happened, Cassie and your terrors were triggered... what could you do? I've seen you have an episode. You're completely disabled. How can you stop anybody from doing anything?"

It always came back to my weaknesses.

"So, you agree with Dad's plan to lock me away forever?"

"Cassie-"

"No, I get that going out too far from the house without a weapon was stupid, but you can't protect me forever. If the walls fall-"

There was so much unreleased frustration in his sigh. "Here you go again with that doom and gloom bullshit."

But I needed him to understand, not fight me.

Instead of arguing with him, I touched his shoulder.

"Derrick, you guard the wall and learned how to use a gun because you know that there's real danger out there. So, why is it so wrong for me to point out what could happen if everything fails?"

"Because it's one thing to focus on a solution and quite another to obsess over something out of your control. And Cassie, that's all you do. We don't know how to help you push through what's going on inside your head."

I snorted without amusement. "You could stop making me feel crazy when I ask a question. You could make sure that I had a weapon to protect us here. But then again, Dad wouldn't go for that, right? Who would give a crazy person a gun?"

Derrick's fingers covered mine. "You know that we don't see you like that."

But he looked at me like that earlier, and mom had done the same this morning.

Thoughts of Maxie, of what I saw, of the dark figure that had appeared returned. And I voiced something I had never said before, "And what if what I see is a warning?"

He sighed. "Okay, Cassie, let's say it was. Have you seen the wall fall?"

My brows furrowed. My visions don't work that way. Mostly, I see final moments through the eyes and thoughts of that person.

"I- I don't know. Normally, I'm trying too hard not to see anything."

We both looked down at my hands. Never had anyone entertained this idea. In the past, I was simply diagnosed and medicated.

"I don't know, Cassie. I think we need to focus on what we know is real. We need to focus on protecting what we have here, and we can only do that if we make the safest decisions for our family. I need you to listen to me, to Dad. No more shit like earlier, okay?"

With downcast eyes, I said, "I hear you."

Then Derrick gently shoved his arm into mine before he grinned. "And stay away from Wes."

It was so out of left field that I actually snorted. "What? Don't like a little competition?"

He rose, walking back to door. "I'm just tired of hearing him always take your side."

So, I've heard.

My smile dimmed, my eyes automatically going to the tower, its roof barely detectable from my window at night.

"Wes will be fine. He's a better shot than I am," Derrick reassured before he disappeared down the hall.

And although I tried to hold on to that small moment of contentment it slowly slipped away, my eyes going back to that spot near my desk. My focus zeroing in on that crack right over Maxie's face.

Removing my gloves, I tried, once again, to see what difference lied within my palms.

Were my hands cursed or was my mind simply flawed?

Climbing into bed, I didn't know whether to pray that the craziness in my head disappeared or that I'd finally see something that I could use, something to make them see the truth.

Or maybe prayer was futile.

I thought of Natasha and Travis wandering beyond the wall, hoping they weren't as lost as I felt. Forming my body into a tight ball, a puddle soon formed on my pillowcase beneath my cheek. Because even in the warmth of my bed, surrounded by light, I didn't feel any safer.

And as I looked back at that spot, I sure as hell didn't feel any saner.